Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

I just joined and saw this post. I feel less alone now.

I got up at 7 AM to call my dentist - pretty hard to do since we go to bed at 4 AM, but told DH I would go in the daybed, second bedroom. Was able to schedule a Monday at 9 AM appointment.

Llama,

You must be exhausted. So glad that you have an appointment scheduled.

Welcome to the forum, Whenitrains.

NHWM: What was my best find EVER at an estate sale, you mean? Probably a Chalupova painting that I paid $15 for that fetched $550 or a set of rare colored glassware that I paid $30 for that fetched $950! I also find quite a bit of 14 and 18K gold (unbeknownst to the sellers) that I make a lot of $$$ on. Oh, the Marco Bicego gemstone and 18K earrings I paid $5 for and have been valued at $975! That's probably the best find of all! I have them at a local consignment shop right now b/c selling hi $$ gold on eBay is a giant HASSLE. If they don't sell soon I'll go pick em up and wear them myself, they are gorgeous. What was funny about those earrings is that the estate sale company called themselves 'appraisers'......yet they missed those earrings!! Ha! I just brought some gold odds & ends I found at a yard sale over to the gold broker and he paid me $185 for one earring, one tie tack and one tiny 18K gold wedding band that I found inside of a silk pouch (along with another one) I paid .25 for! Ha!

I used to watch Antiques Roadshow religiously years ago, but no more these days. I watch American Pickers though. I'm like Mike & Frank; I never saw a pile of junk I didn't want to root through!

WhenitRains: WELCOME to the thread! Glad you found us & don't feel alone anymore! Yay!

Llama...........glad you were able to make a dentist appointment. Why do you go to sleep at 4 am? Do you guys work late or something? I'm a night owl myself but I can't stay up later than 2 am. LOL

Lea: I sure do. Thank you. 💖 Yes, DH and I used to work nights so we kept the same sleep schedule.

Need: You're welcome. It certainly did seem that way and I got discouraged. Thanks. Yes, pretty tired, but pushed through the day.

Whenitrains,

So glad you found us!
This has become a safe place for us to vent, ask and give advice!!
You are most definitely not alone 🤗

NHWM,

I'm doing well!! Gearing up for gigs with the band, looking forward to planting (I went to the nursery today!!) and our summer on slot of guests starts next week!

Aoi,

Love everything you post!!😊

Hellebore,

Happy birthday!!🎈🎉🎈

I have to laugh!
My DH and I went to visit NM this afternoon.
She was so welcoming when we came in!
I forgot something in the car and as soon as DH left the room, she started in with a nonstop barrage of complaints and negativity.
The moment he returned, she was on her best behavior!
Ugh!!!

(((Hugs))) to you all!!

Aoi: Thank you so much.

Llama,

Praying for your speedy recovery!!
Take care of yourself!😘

Psalms,

I Love my flowers!
You're so right! Gardening is very therapeutic!
There's just something about getting your hands dirty to make something grow that heals the soul!🌻🌼🌺

WhenItRains: Welcome to the thread!💜

Jodi: Thank you very much! I am proactive about my health. Still, these things happened.

Llama,

Yes they do!! And always at the most inopportune times!! Lol

Hang in there!

Llama, good thoughts to you! Better health and healing in the coming days.

Update: spent most of yesterday taking my mother to the doctor's (where she denied having the pain she moans about constantly to us), getting her lunch and tea, cancelling her lost bank card, posting mail for her, offering her pain relief (bought by us) for the pain she hid at the doctor's and having it thrown back at me because she 'can't be bothered to use it', only to be told straight out that I'm *reasonably* helpful but my husband is just wonderful and she couldn't do without him.

I yelled at him as we left the building and the staff heard! Now my husband (the enabler) is upset with me. I've had a year of counselling and thought I was on top of this resentment of her monopolisation of MY husband and my anger at him for giving in to her all the time, but it appears not...

My brother just says 'Oh dear, what a shame, and it will only get worse,' secure in the knowledge that we live closer than he does and have to bear the daily brunt of it.

I shouldn't be reading murder mysteries - putting ideas in my head!!

Oh Hb, I would be yelling too 😡

My DH has a different approach to me - it can be so frustrating at times! I am the future planner, marking out my boundaries with precision. No bathroom help, no driving, no at call no more is my line. He, however never fell down the slippery slope as far & being a more spontaneous person just decides yes or no on the spot. But I now make sure his yeses don't involve me. If he gets a call to do something he will need to go alone. (If I was there I may look too helpful).

Would that work for you? Even separate visits? You do *visit only* cuppa & cake etc. "I already saw Mom earlier this week, not going this weekend" kind of thing. He could do whatever in his visit time - you won't have to watch. Wonder if Mom's sport of husband-snatching would then lose some appeal.. or maybe DH suddenly finds excuses not to visit 🤔

Does the AL offer escorted doctor appointments & assistance to mail letters? If so, are you willing to delegate these tasks?

Dropping in really quick to share a thing.
If you listen to this when your stress level is about to blow up your cranium, and it doesn't give you instant relief, let me know.
I was typing a journal entry just a little while ago and was about as mad as a wet hen gets. When this played on my playlist. I was struggling to finish the entry. All I could do was get sucked into the angelic voices. So, I just gave into it and after, I thought I really, really needed to share it.
Wear headphones/earbuds or full volume on the boom box to get the most out of it.
🌄🌅☀️🌞😇👐😇☀️🌅🌄
https://youtu.be/byebx3vQFD4
🌄🌅☀️🌞😇👐😇☀️🌅🌄
Note: this is a YouTube version, if you have a music service, it'll sound much better

Oooh that's nice Aoi! Thank you. Hope the journaling is going OK, I need to work on mine.

Chris: "While I’m posting here I could just do with some advice about MIL’s funeral. My SIL is trying to take over and assume centre stage by wanting to read a tribute at the funeral, in addition to the one the vicar will give….At my FIL’s funeral she took over certain aspects of the day, without prior warning, and left my DH feeling marginalised." 

This sounds like really classic narc behavior. Unfortunately if she’s like my nmom, there’s really nothing you can say to get her to feel any shame or even to realize what an exhibitionist she’s being. Maybe you could set something up with the church staff to keep her remarks EXTREMELY short, like a minute or two. My guess is this is very much about attention and to set herself up as the most important bereaved person - my nmom does stuff like this all the time.

Speaking of, I honestly had to laugh a minute ago while writing a remark on SM in reply to a comment nmom had posted - she was making a big deal about a party one of my cousins had for my aunts on my mother’s birthday a few years ago, without running it past me. (This is the cousin all my aunts favor because she married a super rich guy, so she can afford to fete and spoil them, both because she’s rich and because she doesn’t have to have a job like we mere mortals. Honestly I’ve done a fair amount of work on myself over this- the cousin has a bunch of mental issues as one might imagine and honestly I feel sorry for her more than she probably thinks I do. When you marry for money you earn it in myriad ways. DH and I do pretty well, we’ll never be filthy rich but we are *tight* - I know he has my back 100% of the time and vice versa. I don’t think I’d trade that kind of companionship for any money in the world.) 

Anyway I was thinking about how nmom would never realize how gross it was that my cousin commandeered my mother on her birthday without mentioning it or inviting me! But that you all would get a kick out of it. Honestly narc is shot through my whole family, don’t get me started on another cousin who decided to move 2000 miles away from our hometown area without telling anyone - instead he posted on Facebook about some detail related to selling their house. No feelings matter except his and his horrid wife’s I’d imagine. 

"Hellebore, happy early birthday! To celebrate I think you should buy yourself a Louis Vuitton purse and gorge on chocolate cake! Who cares if you need to second-mortgage the house for the purse? I'm sure DH will understand the necessity of owning a Louis by the time we're 70."

Thanks Lea! Actually I’ve been in the process of downsizing and trying to do something about my shopping addiction (didn’t realize what it was until I started getting ahold of it, shoes and bags have always been my downfall.) Now that I’m turning 51 this week I’m realizing I really don’t need all this stuff and there are more productive ways to entertain myself and get the dopamine hit it seems we ADHDs are always chasing. I started crocheting this year and honestly it’s been a lifesaver - something to do to keep me busy and think about, as well as talk to others over. I also do a lot of gardening and baking, we would all probably have a lot to talk about if we could have a get together. I’m also an eBay seller trying to get rid of some of the stuff!

Spouse wants to go to the antique mall sometime tomorrow or Monday since it’ll be bad weather on the day. Not sure if I can trust myself to resist buying stuff or not - guess I can always pretend I’m in a museum which sometimes works. 

Soooo sorry helenB. My mom makes plays for my DH attention also. Luckily he’s usually smart enough to see it coming and step out of the way, but, soooo annoying.

Sorry also to Llama, I have bad teeth- 9 root canals!- and have been putting off a dental visit since I know it’ll be a nightmare after going a year. Thanks for the reminder to get it done.

Thanks to *everyone* for the bday wishes! Shooting for a beach trip end of month, did buy myself a couple of new pairs of swim shorts. I don't strictly need them but after being cooped up for over a year I figure if that's the worst crazy I go, I'm probably doing pretty well :D

Also welcome WhenItRains and to a few other new members. You're among friends here who know how it is - no complaint is too trivial!

Aoi, that music is beautiful 😇. Truly angelic! Thankyou.

I found this composer/pianist 1 year or so ago: Stanton Lanier. Piano does it for me...
https://youtu.be/OLUxz-m3K_4

Hellebore, break out the Beach Boys 🏄

Helenb, I agree with Beatty on this one. Don’t have your husband go with you when you have to see your mom. Or if your mom needs DH help, let him go by himself.

That would drive me crazy too if my DH was getting all the praise and I was doing everything to help her! Just go see her separately so you never have to deal with that from her again.

On the other hand, in my case, my mother in her later years was miserable to me when I went by myself. When I brought my DH with me my mom would be on her best behavior and not treat me like crap. She would be all pleasant when he was around.

Jodi: I thank you very much!💖

Barb: Thank you so much for your healing wishes.💜

Hellebore: Thank you very much.💙 And good luck at your dentist.
Happy Birthday!🎂

Ok, I will start by telling you that this really has nothing to do with NM other than the fact I was already torqued after our visit yesterday. And because ALL of you are now my closest confidants, I wanted some input!

The Clinic that my DH works at is having a spring party to make up for the Christmas party cancelation due to Covid.
He told me he was in charge!
He secured a venue and a caterer.
I asked him at dinner last night if he had thought about a theme and decorations? (Let's face it ladies, guys don't think about party details!) He said he had not, but was thinking of asking his Nurse to help us set up. I told him I will take care of it. Only 2 weeks!!
I spent 2 hours purchasing my brainchild from Amazon. Red, white and black theme. I found these red balls that look like Corona virus to use in the center pieces of Mason jars with battery powered fairy lights, white table cloths with red and white gingham over the top, I could go on.
So when I told my DH that I had it covered, I got crickets! So I said, "You're welcome "!
He then proceeded to tell me that "Kristen" is in charge of decorating .WTF!!!
Never once has he mentioned anyone other than him having any part in planning the party!!!

Am I wrong to want to hit him in the head with a frying pan??

Oh, Jodi! Can you cancel your brainchild? Or call Kristen and see if she can make use of your stuff?

Oh Jodi, yes that sounds typical to me! In my experience, men are just not masters of communication! You could hit him with the pan, or shove the corona balls somewhere painful, or just bow out gracefully and let “Kristen” get on with it. Assuming partners are invited to the party, I favour the latter option. Why not focus your excellent creative and organisational skills on getting yourself a great outfit to wear, with a bit of you-time/ pre-party pampering before the event? And finally, don’t involve NM in any of this. She will crush you.

Barb,

I have to wait till Monday to talk to Kristin. DH doesn't have an employee contract list.
I don't want to cancel my order until I talk with her.
I'm sure I can send everything back if she's already gotten supplies. I can only hope that I haven't stepped on her toes!
UGH!!!

Chris,

You're so right!

I have learned that I can't EVER share my frustrations with my hubby to my NM. She'll use it in the future!
And If I share the wonderful plans I made, she'll tell me what she would have done to make it better!!😝

And Chris, our band is playing at this event. I already bought a cool vintage looking dress and a vintage hat too!😎