Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
I have not noticed food sets off my headaches but stress and tension does. When I had my last full time job running a babysitting agency with 1000 clients and 200 sitters, all females, I had a headache every day by 10:30am. Best thing I ever did was quit that job.....it was the definition of a crazy house! 🤣
Yes, I have seen the Quit Deed and the will. I actually have all the paperwork in my safe. Not the house safe, but my safe. A safe that only my SO and I can get into. The house was Quit Deed to me in 2014.
My NB is mentally unstable and my NM cannot be trusted, which is why I have the paperwork and why I also made sure by looking up the deed to this house online using my city's public records! My ducks are all nicely set up. The Quit Deed is set up that the moment my mother passes the house is mine, which means, if my NB walks in the house and takes something I can call the cops and get my NB for unlawful entry and theft. My NM lawyer told me this and I read it in the QD!!! I would not have stayed here as long as I have if I wasn't covered.
Please Lea give me a little credit...I have NEVER Trusted that woman when it came to money or assets!!! Sorry to say, I learned as a teenager that she couldn't be trusted with those things!!
If I am here and my NM passes I plan on selling the house and buy a new one. Before I moved back here I didn't talk to my NB for 9 yrs. Now, he is not allowed here & hasn't been here in the past 2 to 2.5 yrs!
Also I agree with your decision not to tell your NM about any of your plans. What kind of time table do you have for yourself, if any?
And when you are ready to move and tell her I hope she makes the right choice to let you get her placed and then sell the property. She may since she knows YB is a mess and deep down she's probably doesn't want his type of "care".
I ended up going to my mom's yesterday for a fairly short visit- about an hour. Of course she complained -- "Oh I thought we could eat together".... we eat together 85% of the time!! I brushed it off with "I have to be home later for a call about a new job I might be getting" and proceeded to lay the groundwork on that ;) I think she was kind of shocked, but couldn't get pi$$y about it because DH was there and also acknowledging my excitement "I really hope I get it".....
I will definitely be getting the job ;)
Lea I hope your headache is gone now! Listen to your body, if you are stressing out take a few days off from the calls, at least. I know sometimes your DH will do it, but your mom will live if she has to wait a few days. She is in MC thankfully so it's okay for you to leave her be while you take care of yourself. BTW isn't that memory care where you worked bringing workers back? I think they need you full time now ;)
I still work at the Memory Care..............I just changed my hours to part time, but thinking about going back full time now........wink wink.
FWIW, there has not been ONE single time I've visited my mother where she didn't complain that I wasn't staying longer, or that we weren't eating together, or SOMETHING. Makes each visit that much more unbearable
My headache is better today, thanks. It's lurking in the background, I can feel it wanting to burst out, but it's not.
My mother wound up calling & leaving a message last night on my voice mail after I turned the phone off! She was 'sorry about her bad mood' the night before! I was surprised to hear her say that........but she will apologize (half heartedly) from time to time. She also felt the need to mention that a new shipment of Depends arrived when she already had WAY TOO MANY and now she has EIGHT BOXES she doesn't know WHAT she'll do with.
Truth is, she gets 100 Depends per month which computes to roughly 3.5 briefs per day. Each shipment comes in TWO boxes. Before I put her BACK on the monthly program, she would run out b/c she'd insist she had a big BOX of them in her closet, which was empty. So she'd be wearing men's Depends and all sorts of other things they'd give her at the MC, which was a problem. Now she's back on the monthly Amazon program I'm ordering for her and there is STILL a problem. Next time I speak to her I'm telling her THE SUBJECT IS CLOSED. I don't want to hear about how many millions of Depends you have until they're piled up to the CEILING in your room and you can't move & are suffocating from being smothered by Depends.
I'm sorry. I think I might be a little touchy because my NM has been looking and talking down to me! I just keep do whatever I'm doing at the time. Not making eye contact and keeping my answers very short! But it is really like they have an endless bag of tricks!! I know you are just making sure that I won't end up homeless because I took my NM word for giving me the house! Her word doesn't mean a darn thing.
Isn't it funny, how a narc will give us an apology every 5 to 10 yrs and we are suppose to be so grateful for a half hearted apology every 5 yrs!! Yeah right!! Sorry, but I had to giggle about your NM having Depends to the ceiling. They're not happy unless they are complaining!
I hope your headache gets even better as the day goes by!!💞
Piper,
The number was a Burner number because I did look it up and I went to call it and it was disconnected! So I couldn't trace the number, nor who did it!! The number didn't look like a real number!
My NB is 6 yrs older. I think my NM knows that he won't take care of her and spend all her money on drugs! Can you imagine two narcissistic people living under one roof?! Each of them thinking they are so much more prefect and special and both wanting control...that would be a disaster waiting to happening!
Glad to hear that you might be getting a job!😉
Chris: Glad I made you laugh! We all need it these days. There is a lot of backstory on the Depends fiasco........that's why I appear worked up. I am. LOL. She & I have gone back & forth like hamsters on a wheel about the auto delivery of said briefs from Amazon. She wants them/doesn't want them. I order them, cancel the auto ship, re order, cancel.........on and on I go like a lunatic! THIS time I was like WE ARE DONE! Unless you can't move in your room from the hoard of Depends, they ARE being delivered once a month now. Period. She is THAT much of a control freak and this is one of the last things she feels she HAS control over, that she wants to manage the arrival of the Depends. But it doesn't work.
She is also LIVID that the MC is now limiting her snacks! Yep. I bring them and she overeats them to the point where she's puking (near as the doctor and I can determine). She refuses to eat dinner b/c she hates the food, then gorges on snacks instead. So the MC is giving her ONE packet of a snack each evening & she's furious! I had to tell her that her doctor ORDERED the restriction due to her claims of 'throwing up & throwing up & throwing up'. Sigh. One thing after another, to say the least. God forbid she could eat a sandwich at dinner (their main meal/large meal is lunch) and then relax with ONE snack afterward. But no, an NM MUST HAVE HER WAY 100% of the time, isn't THAT the main thing???
I am ashamed of feeling like this and grateful for this site, where we can be honest about our troubled relationships with our narcissistic parents.
helenb: The most 'relaxing' (HA!) time I've had with my mother over the past 6+ years she's been in managed care is now, with Covid, and the visits being short and limited to window visits once a week (at most, b/c weather is a factor now with the winter in Colorado). I don't feel guilty about saying that, either, b/c my mother is a PITA. She does everything she possibly can to irritate me and make me feel badly, so I dread our conversations and visits. It's HER fault, not MINE.
So.....The Vaccines are being given late this month into early March. That's the FIRST round. God knows if the second round will ever be rolled out, based on adverse reactions from the first round. So........if round 2 does come out, which they're now saying will be 'delayed', whatever that means, we're looking at summer before my mother is 'safe' from Covid, IF that ever even happens. So I have nothing to worry about till then! And, if and when the time comes that we can go back inside the Memory Care to visit her, I am imposing some STRICT RULES on those visits. They will mimic the window visits in that they will be short and weekly. PERIOD. Don't fix what isn't broken, is my advice.
The only way to deal with these women is to create very strict and very firm boundaries, as you know, and for YOU to NOT go back on your word with those boundaries!! No matter what. BTW, my husband is sort of the golden child with my mother, too..........she puts on the Happy Mask for him all the time. The reason is, he's the Outsider. And Outsiders never bear the brunt of the NMs hatefulness. He's my buffer and I LOVE that! I never go see my NM alone, she'd tear me limb from limb!
You seem worried that you and hubby will not be able to stick to you boundaries plan! Here is good news for you, if you & hubby break down and find yourselves letting mom slide or jump over your boundaries that is ok! Why? Because you will get another chance to try it again! It took me several times to keep my boundaries in check. If you find that you have been seeing mom more times then your original plan then review what you did and tell yourself "ok, I have seen mom three times this week. Now, I'll have to reset my boundaries again!" I have found that having a NM who knows no boundaries that I had to learn how to set boundaries and I had to practice it! If we make a mistake that's ok because we can try again! Hugs!!
Chriscat,
I bet you are having all kinds of mixed emotions and that is ok and normal! You do need to rest. Take some time for yourself and to sort out your emotions and how your life is changing and what you want your life to look like! It is ok to feel however you feel! Hugs!!
Thank you Lea for understanding! My NB worries me as well. I know if he could get his hands on me he would seriously hurt me! However, I know him and how he thinks, plus I am in way better shape then he is! He doesn't have the guts to shoot me so I am safe there! I always know what is going on around me...occupational hazard!!
I made a big decision today! As you know, I am planning to move out in less then a year (hopefully), however, if my mother should pass away while I am here, I am not going to tell my NB! I see no good coming from it. He hates my NM and I feel that it will just paint a bigger target on my back! My SO and I will clean out the house and sell it! Hopefully we can move without my NB ever finding out about it and put the house on the market! By time he sees the for sale sign we will be living somewhere else! I really hate that my NM made such a mess out of my NB life that it has created a nightmare for me:( Hugs! Hope you feel better today!
Never allowed to have friends, her locking me out of the house in 2nd & 3rd grades when I came home from school, and being hit hard with a switch for no reason just scratches the surface of the terrible things she did to me.
I have sympathy for her emotional problems. It doesn’t merit feeling like I want to die or dying from a stress-induced illness as she lives on and on.
My strong boundary with my dad and brother is you get inpatient hospitalization for her as needed and brother shares 50% of caregiving. I’ll do the other 50%.
They are gaslighting and guilt tripping me to do this 100%. I was called today by my dad implying my mom was dying to get me to come. It was playacting. She wasn’t.
I’d urge anyone to throw in the towel if you have a really disordered parent (mine has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder) and you are the scapegoat. They live to destroy you is not hyperbole.
How did your mom seem to take it? Did the staff give you any recommendations for visiting?
My NB is cut out of my life and has been now for almost 2.5 yrs; however, he was back into my life when I moved back home for a little over a year, but we got into a fight in the kitchen and my SO kicked him out of the house and I told NB to never come back! Before I moved back home he wasn't in my life for 9 yrs. I would love to get a PPO on him, but he has to be caught breaking the law, which is why we have the Ring on the front door and 4 other cameras around the house and we have motion lights!!
His motivation is he wants my dad's tools and whatever he can get his hands on to sell for drugs.
There was no point in calling the cops about a burner number because there is nothing they can do. They can't even trace it!!! Ugh
I am very good at disappearing! I have done it in the past, plus, my NB and his friends don't know how to use technology!! LOL Making it hard for him to track me down.
The bad part is that I tried telling my parents about my NB, but they NEVER believed me. My NM didn't care and my dad really didn't believe that his son hated his daughter!!
Trust me, if I catch my NB on tape breaking the law I will nail him as far as the law will allow me!!!!
Thank you both for your support! Hugs back💕💕
Chris- that is so good your mom has a friend at the care facility! That can make all the difference in terms of feelings of isolation. I hope things continue to go pretty well. I also hear you on this covid -- I am SO SO sick of it! My state's roll out has been a mess, so I'm likely looking at months. Sigh. But back to you, how are you feeling in these early days? I hope you are getting lots and lots of rest. I was thinking this would be a good time for you and DH to do some nesting, do you know what I mean? Do some home projects together, no matter how small, as a way of reclaiming your space. Not in a negative way, but a positive one.
My mom was here yesterday having pizza with us, and really surprised me saying that she was going to stop going to her pain doctor. She's been on opiates since 2016. I've posted about her addiction before. She's hidden her use from family & friends and lied about it, and it caused me worry, but I also knew she wasn't able to get enough to be dangerous, and I couldn't control it anyway. There was never a legit need for daily opiates, I've known for a few years now that she uses them to manage her mood.
So, her announcement yesterday was very surprising. I just said- well you have been on them for awhile, you can't just suddenly quit. Again she surprised me by saying- I know, I'm only taking a half in the morning and half at night now.
Then she said she wanted to call the medical marijuana doctor that the neurologist here recommended to her a couple years ago. So I think she is looking for a substitution. I personally don't have a problem with MM, especially since her neurologist was on board and she will be going through a legit doctor.
My concern is that getting off the opiates is not actually her choice, but she has been told she needs to come off, by the doctor. She had an MRI a couple weeks ago ordered by the pain doctor, and keeps telling me "they lost it". Well I know that's BS. I also know her other MRI's were clear. There is nothing wrong with her back. So I suspect when this recent MRI came back the same they started realizing she didn't need the opiates. Medically, they can't justify it anymore.
I hope this goes okay for her, because she's about to lose a major mood booster that she has relied on for years now. I'm feeling anxious about it. MM isn't going to give her the same effect. I don't have experience with opiates, but I really hope this pain doctor has her on a proper taper. To make things worse my mom has always lied about her use, minimizing it. She wouldn't let me near that pain clinic. If I see any distress, I'm thinking I will have to take her to the ER.
Hopefully I'm worrying for nothing and this goes okay -- but with my mom, you never know!
Of course she will complain when she calls, but that will be a whole lot different than complaining to your face in person and huffing around in your home. Hold the phone away from your ear and just throw in a few - Oh, well hopefully that gets better, and after you've heard enough "Oh, gotta go, my tubs about to overflow" or whatever you think of- you have so much more control now over your life, thankfully. And, you have the reassurance that she is safe and cared for where she is, she was not abandoned into the street, so it's fine for you to hang up, and visit on your terms.
If she still tries to be overbearing then there are jobs open where Lea and I work LOL.
At the suggestion of my hubby and my therapist, I started taking Cymbalta 4 days ago.
It wasn't so much for depression, more for stress and anxiety.
I've never been one to take meds, but I agree that I needed a little help dealing with everything.
It's nothing to be ashamed of!!
We all need a little help every now and then. I take .25mg of Xanax to help with my anxiety and to sleep!
In truth, I am surprise we all are not alcoholics and dope heads by the damage of our NM.
You just take care of yourself in whatever why you need to.😊❤💜
Isn't that the truth!!
(((Hugs)))
EP........ugh to your mother getting off of opiates............there is more to THIS story than she is alluding to, as you said. Very few people make that decision voluntarily.........and your NM being a liar on a good day just makes this whole story highly suspect, esp with the probability of a clean MRI!!!!!!!!!! Just what you need.......a nasty NM with WITHDRAWAL who's even nastier and harder to deal with than ever. Substituting pot for pills is questionable.........esp for the elderly. Pot is legal here in Colo. so quite a while ago, I bought my NM some chocolate edibles to calm her chronic 'nerves' down. Well, the first couple of chocolates were good..........she seemed stoned but calm........confused (this was pre Memory Care) and slurring her words, more drunk than anything.........and she slept like a log which is unusual for her *chronic sleep problems*. Well, after the 2nd dose, the edibles were making her SO SO SO DIZZZZZZZZZZZZY and she was SO SO SO SICK to her stomach and wanting to throw up and yada yada. Pot and the elderly don't always get along. There's always the 'falling' hazard too, b/c it can make them a bit unsteady on their feet! Just wanted to give you a heads' up on my mother's less-than-fabulous experience with pot. But then again, she has less-than-fabulous experiences with EVERYTHING she puts into her mouth that is designed to help with pain/anxiety/sleep, etc.
Chris, practice using the non-committal phrases for when the NMs complain: Oh that's unfortunate. I'm sorry to hear it. I sure hope you feel better soon. I'm sorry to hear the food tastes like dog food *or pieces of sh*t on a plate, as my NM calls it* There's nothing you can do to FIX whatever the complaints are, unless they're legitimate complaints (which is another subject entirely) so just commiserate with her, which is what I do.
Shell, I have some .50 Xanax here myself that I cut in 1/2 when I'm extra anxious or can't sleep.
I did get a Tempur-Pedic Mattress Topper for my bed and WOW, what a huge difference it makes!!! I'm sleeping MUCH better and w/o most of the pain I was having, and waking up much more refreshed and not hunched over in agony!