Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
If you listen to this when your stress level is about to blow up your cranium, and it doesn't give you instant relief, let me know.
I was typing a journal entry just a little while ago and was about as mad as a wet hen gets. When this played on my playlist. I was struggling to finish the entry. All I could do was get sucked into the angelic voices. So, I just gave into it and after, I thought I really, really needed to share it.
Wear headphones/earbuds or full volume on the boom box to get the most out of it.
🌄🌅☀️🌞😇👐😇☀️🌅🌄
https://youtu.be/byebx3vQFD4
🌄🌅☀️🌞😇👐😇☀️🌅🌄
Note: this is a YouTube version, if you have a music service, it'll sound much better
My DH has a different approach to me - it can be so frustrating at times! I am the future planner, marking out my boundaries with precision. No bathroom help, no driving, no at call no more is my line. He, however never fell down the slippery slope as far & being a more spontaneous person just decides yes or no on the spot. But I now make sure his yeses don't involve me. If he gets a call to do something he will need to go alone. (If I was there I may look too helpful).
Would that work for you? Even separate visits? You do *visit only* cuppa & cake etc. "I already saw Mom earlier this week, not going this weekend" kind of thing. He could do whatever in his visit time - you won't have to watch. Wonder if Mom's sport of husband-snatching would then lose some appeal.. or maybe DH suddenly finds excuses not to visit 🤔
Does the AL offer escorted doctor appointments & assistance to mail letters? If so, are you willing to delegate these tasks?
I yelled at him as we left the building and the staff heard! Now my husband (the enabler) is upset with me. I've had a year of counselling and thought I was on top of this resentment of her monopolisation of MY husband and my anger at him for giving in to her all the time, but it appears not...
My brother just says 'Oh dear, what a shame, and it will only get worse,' secure in the knowledge that we live closer than he does and have to bear the daily brunt of it.
I shouldn't be reading murder mysteries - putting ideas in my head!!
Yes they do!! And always at the most inopportune times!! Lol
Hang in there!
Praying for your speedy recovery!!
Take care of yourself!😘
Psalms,
I Love my flowers!
You're so right! Gardening is very therapeutic!
There's just something about getting your hands dirty to make something grow that heals the soul!🌻🌼🌺
So glad you found us!
This has become a safe place for us to vent, ask and give advice!!
You are most definitely not alone 🤗
NHWM,
I'm doing well!! Gearing up for gigs with the band, looking forward to planting (I went to the nursery today!!) and our summer on slot of guests starts next week!
Aoi,
Love everything you post!!😊
Hellebore,
Happy birthday!!🎈🎉🎈
I have to laugh!
My DH and I went to visit NM this afternoon.
She was so welcoming when we came in!
I forgot something in the car and as soon as DH left the room, she started in with a nonstop barrage of complaints and negativity.
The moment he returned, she was on her best behavior!
Ugh!!!
(((Hugs))) to you all!!
Llama...........glad you were able to make a dentist appointment. Why do you go to sleep at 4 am? Do you guys work late or something? I'm a night owl myself but I can't stay up later than 2 am. LOL
I used to watch Antiques Roadshow religiously years ago, but no more these days. I watch American Pickers though. I'm like Mike & Frank; I never saw a pile of junk I didn't want to root through!
You must be exhausted. So glad that you have an appointment scheduled.
What was your best find at an estate sale?
Do you watch Antique’s Road Show? I do. I love it.
Chris.....I agree. The vicar should tell your pushy SIL that NOBODY but HIM is to make any speeches, tributes or eulogies to your MIL except for him and that's that. If she pushes the matter, it's at the request of the children that nobody but the vicar speak. It always amazes me that anyone would want to "steal the spotlight" at a FUNERAL for petesake. She can stay home if she can't bear to keep her mouth shut.
Joy, too bad we kids couldn't avoid our unfriendly NMs when we were little, huh? My DDs middle name is Joy btw! 😁 I know that's just your username here, but I love the name Joy. Winifred means peace......is that your real name? 😂
Hellebore, happy early birthday! To celebrate I think you should buy yourself a Louis Vuitton purse and gorge on chocolate cake! Who cares if you need to second-mortgage the house for the purse? I'm sure DH will understand the necessity of owning a Louis by the time we're 70. Funny thing, but one of the doofus boys I went to high school with wound up becoming a Louis Vuitton salesman in NYC right after graduation and is now making a FORTUNE selling rich ladies stupidly expensive leather goods!
Estate Sales were a total bust today. All huge houses (one sold for 3.2 million) with nothing good in them at all. Oh well. It was sunny and 85 today and glorious so it was good to be outside.
Thanks. I hear ya!
We all have skeletons in our closet.
Psalms: it's a pleasure to meet another gardener. There's just something special about getting all dirty and watching things grow. It's like having green children.
Xrayjodib: I have to thank you once again for making the post that brings us all here day after day. I also have to thank you for putting the question from that post in my head. I thought I had the answer. Turns out I might have been a bit hasty. I have a post to share another day, about just that. I'm so fortunate to have run into you when I did and as a result, discover all of these wonderful people (Are we all women?) And start asking myself some hard questions that have complicated answers. This group has inspired and uplifted me and I feel like we are at some point going to disagree on stuff but it won't matter because we all care about each other that much. I hope to see your numbers grow and flourish. It's great to be here.
I'm glad you brought up UTIs. It IS a possibility. Mom just did wee-in-a-cup last week and we'll find out soon and she does the test pretty regularly. When she had her episode last year, a visiting physician was recommend and they send out people regularly for blood and tinkle. Dad was on low-dose macrobid all the time due to frequent UTIs. In his case, a UTI would send him into orbit around an as yet undiscovered planet. I'm glad you brought it up because it's not a well known fact that a UTI can give an elderly person a dreadful trip. Good thinking. And thank you.
E.P.: Thank you for the podcast idea. I listen to binaural beats at night and I love TED talks during the day but I never thought to look for a podcast for sleep issues. I made a note of the title, "Sleep With Me" so I can look it up. There are earphones for sleep? I'm on it! Thanx!
Howdy, Bundleofjoy🤗💐. Nice to meet you.
Chriscat: I think your idea of having the Vicar speak to your SIL is likely for the best. Sounds like SIL is going to be enough to handle without giving her center stage and Vicars are trained for delicate matters like this and is not a member of the family so no accusation of power-plays can be bandied about. It's a hard enough time without attention seeking opportunism.
💐🧁🥳🍰🎁🎂🎈🎉🌟 Happy Birthday Hellebore!!🎉🐔🎂🎁🌜🥳🌺🌹💐
I appreciate your kind words.
Happy Birthday 🎂!
Chris, exactly! It doesn’t seem real yet.
NeedHelp and Shell, reading through the latest posts, you are both doing really well given the early stages of your bereavements. There are so many mixed emotions, and these can change from one day to the next, sometimes triggered by certain things. Even now, nearly 2 years on, I sometimes think I’ll phone my dad to tell him about something that would interest him, and then I remember he’s gone. This used to devastate me, but now I feel a sad sense of disappointment when the realisation hits me. A similar thing happened about my MIL this week. My DH would always phone her every Wednesday on his way home from work. This week I saw him pull up outside, and thought, “I wonder how she is” before remembering she was gone. I told him about this, and he said he’d been about to phone her before realising the same thing. It’s the habitual actions and rituals that can catch you out, as well as the anniversaries, birthdays and other events you’ve spent years going through together. To both of you, just take each day at a time, do as much or as little as you feel capable of doing, and let yourselves feel whatever you feel, it’s all ok.
Piper, interesting you’ve found some soothing exercises to listen to in the night. I found some short meditation sessions, between 3 and 25 minutes long, that I can listen to online if I wake up with, as you describe, thoughts running into overdrive and anxiety. They really worked for me when things were bad a few months ago. I’ve been having a few sleepless nights again recently, but have managed to rationalise that as not being at all surprising, having lost my father, two uncles, an aunt, a cousin and now my MIL in less than two years, with the backdrop of the pandemic too! I think we need to give ourselves some credit for keeping going despite everything that has been thrown at us!
Lea, I get you about those nightmares. It’s the same for me, and yes, I do believe it’s to do with abandonment issues.
To counteract the insomnia and nightmares, I also have a diffuser in the bedroom and use lavender and clary sage to create a soothing environment to help me sleep. This works for me.
While I’m posting here I could just do with some advice about MIL’s funeral. My SIL is trying to take over and assume centre stage by wanting to read a tribute at the funeral, in addition to the one the vicar will give. My BIL is too spineless to ask her to step back and just allow the vicar to deliver the eulogy on behalf of the family. Neither my DH or BIL feel they want to speak, and were initially happy to let the vicar do everything. My DH feels quite strongly about this as the family history is that our SIL has always tried to control what we did whenever we used to visit my MIL, organising everything so that she could be involved rather than let my DH spend time just with his mother. I think it is from a sense of insecurity. He is worried she will take over and hijack the occasion with her exhibitionism. At my FIL’s funeral she took over certain aspects of the day, without prior warning, and left my DH feeling marginalised. No one has ever told her to sit down and shut up. DH feels that this is another attempt to diminish his/our position in the family, and that if he doesn’t stand firm now, he’ll have to endure a funeral service that he doesn’t want for his mother. I suggested he speak to the vicar and ask him to speak to our SIL, pointing out that as next of kin, my DH’s wishes assume higher precedence than hers. I don’t want my DH to be upset about all of this this such a difficult time. Any advice would be most welcome.
:)
hug!!
shell, you wrote:
"I started to have nightmares at age 3. I wonder is there some connection between how our mothers treated us & the nightmares?🤔"
...that's the 1st time i see someone say this --- and i really DO think it's the case.
if you're mistreated, i think it's quite likely it'll come out in your sleep/dreams.
when things bother us, it tends to come out in our dreams. when we're doing very well, our sleep tends to be more relaxed, too.
i take it as a sign (if i sleep badly), that i must make a change.
also my body...when i see something not quite right, i must make a change.
normally that means, avoid person A, B, C...etc.
but sometimes we can't avoid unfriendly people.
courage!
hug!!
i wish us well, and to have nice/joyful/peaceful days/nights -- also for our loved ones.
my real name, by the way, means peace :).
bundle of joy :)
Shell: bless you 💐💖🌺Another 'sister' 🌜🌝🌛? So, the grudges are are inadequate mental nutrition but the turn of phrase was hilarious. I agree. Adding sugar to ship doesn't make it better it just makes it sweet ship. Sugar coating doesn't leave room for building coping skills. Do I detect a note of sarcasm regarding nightmares and the connection to abuse? ( WARNING: my previous statement was dripping with sarcasm)
NHWM: I don't know if you agree or not, I think airing out the skeletons in the closet is good for them and for us. It's painful but it helps to be able to process trauma and the skeletons are always so fresh and clean after.🌟
Lealonnie: I remember when being adopted was all very hush-hush. It never was fair or kind how it was looked at. Not being allowed to process it had to be like getting sat on by an elephant. You and I were both, only children and that's hard enough without all the other trauma thrown at you from every different direction.
Llama!🤗 So glad to see you return. I hope your health issues have let up a bit.
E.P.: Yes! I've got 2 really good articles for you. I shortened the URLs to save space and my eyeballs:
One:https://bit.ly/3xvULwW
Two: https://bit.ly/33anhpP
I'm sending this past off right now as-is. I figure the info is pretty important to E.P.
Please forgive misspelling, unfortunate choices of words, typos,etc. I didn't edit this time. Next post I'll spare everyone the goofs.
Will get back later.💖💐🤗
Welcome to the new members of the conversation! What a great group this is.
Just started to send my mom a copy of a long essay I wrote and delivered to a local nonprofit of which we're both officers, purportedly so she can edit it into a shorter version for me to deliver at an event in June. Just as I was going to hit send, it occurred to me she will also try to pass off this essay as her own work and probably transmit it to others just for praise and attention to feed the bottomless narc hole - think I'll "forget" to send it and do the editing myself.
Things have been going a bit better lately - have been able to keep to a lower ratio of contact. Mostly I remind myself that whenever I call nmom or my aunt I'm going to have to listen to a long laundry list of complaints and most of the conversation will be about death and/or illness - I'm reminded of some language in the book called "Children of the Elderly Self Absorbed" which describes "clingy" type self-absorbed as having "whining" type behavior. That definitely describes my family - I hope I don't spend so much time focused on whining and negativity when it's my turn to be elderly though I'm sure health problems are no fun.
Lea, I know this isn't funny but I got a chuckle of recognition out of your description of your mom expecting you to take her in to live with you despite all her falls and health problems. They just really are disconnected from reality sometimes, aren't they?
Continued good thoughts for everyone dealing with loved ones' health problems. Piper, I like the suggestion to give your mother a REALLY important job to do during the time you'd like her not to be on your plate during the upcoming wedding!! So sorry to hear folks are having trouble getting nmoms properly diagnosed with dementia. I can't imagine how hard that must be.
So glad that you have gardening as your therapy.
Being in nature is nurturing and peaceful.
I think I will feel better after mom’s ashes are in our family plot.
I am going through the emotions one day at the time.
Like Shell, lots of memories are surfacing in my head.
How are things with you?