Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
I appreciate your support. I hope that you and your husband feel better very soon.
It seems like things fall apart all at once.
Aoi and EP: IDK about "short in the circuitry of your NMama's brain that allows more endorphins to pass through the neurons or maybe even you're seeing new damage to the brain in real time. Damage to tissues does release endorphins-- nature's pain killer-also gives a sense of euphoria." In fact, IDK about ANY of this dementia/ALZ stuff. All I DO know is there's no cure or medication that my NM can take to make it all go away for a while, which would be nice. She did call again last night and was 100% confused with EVERYTHING and it was exhausting to get thru the call with her asking the same question over and over again. I doubt I got thru to her at ALL; and it was 8 pm, so she was particularly confused.
EP: the headphones & podcasts are a wonderful idea!
DH & I are off to estate sales today. It's been a long week & we need some shopping therapy to unwind :)
Wishing you all a GREAT day with NO mama drama!
As always, your in my prayers!😘
Shell,
It's good to here from you!😘
Aoi,
It took a Geriatrician to properly diagnose my Aunt with Alzheimer's (I already knew).
Another thought. Has Mom been checked for UTI?
That can cause very strange behavior and can cause sepsis if left untreated.
Hang in there!!😘
Aoi- you said to Lea "Lealonnie1, is it possible when you're witnessing confusion that there's a short in the circuitry of your NMama's brain that allows more endorphins to pass through the neurons or maybe even you're seeing new damage to the brain in real time. Damage to tissues does release endorphins-- nature's pain killer-also gives a sense of euphoria."
This is interesting, I have never read about this do you have a link by any chance? The timing is interesting to me because I talked to my mom on the phone early eve last night and she had this odd sense of euphoria, because she was "watching my shows!" So much so that I mentioned it to DH. He thought maybe she had taken an extra opiate pill, but this just sounded different to me. Then I see what you posted. Interesting.
Lea, your mom does seem to be progressing lately, so I can see why you feel on edge. This Vascular dementia is truly a crazy mixed bag. I'm there with you, waiting for the looming crisis. Let's face it, how can we NOT have chronic anxiety constantly waiting on the next issue that needs to be dealt with, and we know it's NEVER going to be easy.
Here is some practical advice that I just tried for myself last night with surprisingly good results. A couple months ago my DH started listening to podcasts at night if he woke up and it would help him get back to sleep. He doesn't tend to have sleep issues, but I DO. Waking up with racing thoughts and anxiety ALL the time. I don't know why it took me so long to try his podcast idea but I finally did last night. I subscribed to one called "Sleep With Me" which is designed for the anxious insomniac. It was amazing! The guy who hosts it has this calm soothing voice, and he talks about various subjects in such a way that you can focus on what he is saying (instead of your own racing thoughts) yet, you start to lose focus and fall asleep. In fact a couple times I did wake up and the worries started creeping and I just put the earphones back in and focused on the guys voice. I went back to sleep both times instead of laying there an anxious mess. Last night I had my earphones in pretty much the whole night. In fact I already ordered a new pair from Amazon meant for sleep, because I plan to continue this practice.
Hugs to all
Yes, I believe that our circumstances can bring on nightmares.
I could try to do the sage. My husband would go into the room with me.
Or you’re right. I could look into assistance.
Shell, Idk know enough about sage and ridding a house of negative energy......maybe NHWM can hire someone to do it?
Lots of things can bring on nightmares.
Yes, it does make a significant difference how we were treated in life, especially by a mom.
Some of my nightmares were because of my brother too. I saw and heard things that no young child should have been exposed to.
Yes, it was a ‘hush hush’ era. My parents didn’t know how to explain anything because they were struggling to understand the situation too.
They didn’t think to speak to a therapist or take us. It wasn’t commonly done back then.
They felt that only ‘crazy’ people went to therapy. There was a stigma attached to seeing a therapist.
You are absolutely correct about becoming drained!
I thought about telling NHWM about burning sage; however, she would have to be the one doing it, which she said she can't even go into the room and I worry that if spirits are dormant she may awake them or if there are spirits in the house they may think she is trying to remove them and become angry with her. But burning sage is good for removing negative energy.
I plan on doing a cleansing after I clean out this house to get rid of all negative energy & entities! I just bought some sage.
Thank you AoiUsagi! I am glad that you found my Irish Alzheimers funny!🙃
NHWM,
Your not crazy! Emotions are energy. Why do you think we get so tired after a emotional explosion or emotional breakdown? Because we are using energy to express our feeling, therefore, we are sending out energy!
It is terrible to tell kids that the dead are sleeping. In my opinion!
I have nightmares as well when I am stressed out. My NM would never let me sleep with her, but I am not going there on how she handle me having nightmares...let's just say, it wasn't good!
I am just glad I could help!
It is worth a try. I don’t want to feel uneasy.
Thanks for your understanding, Aoi. It helps.
I had horrendous nightmares, mostly recurring, every night of my life too, from 5 years old to 28. They stopped on a dime when I found out I was pregnant.
NHWM, yes, you make complete, total sense. When dad passed in October I found it best to keep to myself that dad had to be so much happier where he went, no matter where that might be because there just couldn't be anything worse than what he was living through. His last few days were the most peaceful of his later years. His suffering ended and there was no more fear, agitation, waking nightmares or any of the stuff in his head that tormented him. Being a witness to the passing of that trauma is a difficult thing to communicate and is often misinterpreted as callousness. Best just to keep that to a minimum and share a few memories that you have in common with the person you're talking to so, yes, NHWM, I totally get it.
Lealonnie1, is it possible when you're witnessing confusion that there's a short in the circuitry of your NMama's brain that allows more endorphins to pass through the neurons or maybe even you're seeing new damage to the brain in real time. Damage to tissues does release endorphins-- nature's pain killer-also gives a sense of euphoria.
E.P. The connections in the brain are pretty delicate. Mom does this sort of thing, missing the obvious connections. So, the (good Lord now I've forgotten the name of the plant you gave your mom) pet plant might be a whole different thing in her mind. Yes, it's a plant but it's special and maybe elevated to another status. If you'd be okay with a suggestion, have connecting the two, pet plant with basil plant, they grow the same way? I dunno. My brain is a field flowers that smell bad right now. And good call with the atty. Big girl pants are important. I'm giving my atty source till Monday to hear back. I spent a few hours on hold this Tuesday. Next Tuesday I move on to another source. Every moment I wait is another moment that gives NMama an opportunity to sharpen her claws.
Katsmihur, heavenly stars! What in the world is going on with doctors? It's like somebody hit the neurologist with a 600 lb stupid stick. And thank you for your prayers. Right now, I need them.
Lealonnie1, The conversation with Dr Strangenerve was after she "remembered" to tell him about the fall. Okay she didn't mention the reason she fell🙄 so, this is telling to me, she loses her train of thought in the middle of telling him she fell, my guess here is that NOT telling him the reason took mental resources she didn't have, and just kinda stared up at the ceiling looking for the rest of the story I guess, so what came out was, "Oh and I fell last night (pause) AOL (she means Amazon) was on my (pause) my ( pause) was on my (pause) my (pause obvious she can't find the word, the idea, the conversation) " Dr interrupts "uh huh. You fell." Mom says " I didn't hit my head this time." Dr. Says, " Well, you're telling me about everything and you sound good to me. I can tell just by taking to you that one thing is for sure, you don't have alzheimer's or any kind of dimentia".
I mean, really?!? 🙄 Is my mom a cash cow or what?
If I find a Dr. That finds the truth I might consider suing her current neurologist. That's just nutz.
Please forgive me if I've posted the wrong name in connection with responses in this reply post. I'm speed replying and I'm terrible at it.
The nightmares that I had as a child were horrific.
It didn’t help that my brothers always laughed at me.
Once in a blue moon, mom would let me lie down next to her if I was crying hysterically. I felt safe then. When I fell asleep, daddy would carry me back to my bed.
I still have bad dreams when I am stressed out, but now I have my husband to hold onto when I wake up.
Lea, I have thought about sage. I haven’t ever done that before but I know that the practice goes back to native Americans.
I think that you did hit on the emotions that I am feeling, especially since mom’s death. The feeling of an ‘empty’ room is it.
Okay, even before her death, I couldn’t go into the room.
I do believe that everything is energy.
Now, you may think that I am crazy. I do think emotions can be triggered by certain things, memories and even colors.
Mom and dad always took us to wakes at funeral homes and I hated it. I suppose that I couldn’t understand it as a young child.
My great aunt told me that the deceased were sleeping.
I was terrified that if I went to bed at night and ‘sleep,’ I would end up in a wooden box like at the funeral home and then be dropped in a hole in the ground at the cemetery.
The walls in the funeral home were mauve. To this day, I hate the color mauve!
Do you know what color my mom picked for her room to be painted? A dusty rose! So, maybe you are correct about changing the color too.
Wow! I believe that you are intuitive.
I have always been relieved to leave funeral homes after attending a wake.
You know what is interesting? I know of funeral homes that closed and are now other businesses. I have heard of unusual things happening in those places. I believe it.
Thanks again for listening to my concerns and for telling me your thoughts on the matter.
As I am cleaning out my NM'S room I am processing her death...what she has done to me...you can say putting my past to rest.
My first thought on reading your post was/is you can't enter that room is because it is empty. I know this might seem odd or doesn't make sense, but as long as that room stays empty, you will not be able to go in there. Why? That room is an open void with the past inside it!
Follow my crazy thought...some people believe that a house or a building is alive, not alive like us where we need to eat, sleep and so on. But it is alive as long as there is people inside of it, others believe that a house or a building is alive by memories, events, or whatever it was used for in the past. In other words, the first one implies that a house is alive because it has living people in it. The second one implies that a house is alive because of past events, or the people who once lived in it & the things they did in it and no one has to live in it because the past is still alive within the house! Have I confused you yet?
Here is what I know from my own experience. I can not enter into a funeral home. I am a 'sensitive,' which means, I pick up on people's energy alive or dead doesn't matter. When I enter into a funeral home I feel EVERY NEGATIVE EMOTION. I see the negative energy sliding down the walls. I see people grieving from the past. I get headaches, dizzy, upset stomach and I have known to throw up, pass out and I am sick for 3 days. All I do is sleep! It is horrible!!
What's my point? Energy never dies...it only moves...transforms. Our energy can and does transfer into our things like rings, watches and yes into the walls of our homes. If houses are truly alive by our energy then we need to change the energy. Still following me? You need to change that room therefore, hoping to change the energy. I would get DH or DD to start with opening the windows and if you like burn white candles in that room. This will help neutralize some of the energy. Then get DH to paint the room a different color. A color that is inviting to you. Meanwhile, think of what you want that room to be. You have to make that room to be part of the house as a whole. For whatever reason that room has a negative effect on you. If none of this works then it is all psychological, however, I don't think it is! I believe although, I can't say for sure because I am not there, the energy in that room is just sitting there like a dark cloud! An open void of negative energy!
Now that you & everyone knows I'm crazy. Does this make sense to you? I hope this helps!💜
Llama.....please check in and let us know how you're doing?
I spoke with the ED of NMs memory care today. They are seeing a lot of behavioral issues with her this past month, so she's letting her slip show BIG TIME, and I'm surprised. She's on a roller coaster of emotions, she said, mostly having a pity party for herself and was hyper ventilating last week after telling DH off about not having her come live with us! The ED wasn't able to calm her down bc she didn't WANT to be calmed down, she said, and I know exactly that routine to a tee. The ED said she's very bad at night and I've noticed that myself....the Sundowning, so while she'd likely benefit from coming out of her room to join the others, they're not pushing her bc she's so difficult and creating a scene! She's going to talk to her PCP about a psych consult, but NM cannot handle medication so it's not likely to solve anything. What else is new? These sisters are insane, her oldest sister was the same way.....out of control with advanced Alzheimer's at 95. NM will probably outlive everyone and live to 100. And her toe is getting red AGAIN in spite of me getting her those big shoes and diabetic socks! Here we go again. I feel like screaming. After that call I felt drained and exhausted and came into the bedroom to lie down.
Or anyone who wishes to express their thoughts, please chime in.
Shell,
I know that I have told you in the past how brave that I felt you were. certainly braver than I have been at times.
I want to know how you feel about this.
You know that mom left my home after being here for 15 years.
Okay, there is NOTHING in that room. Yet, I have never been able to go into it since she left.
I don’t know why I have felt so hesitant.
My daughter told me to turn it into a craft room. I did think about it and I couldn’t even enter the room.
Kind of weird, huh?
Here you are! Able to go through a room full of her things and I can’t enter an empty room. I feel like such a wuss!
That room holds so many memories, good and bad.
You also know that I forgave my mom.
She did make a sincere apology to me and said that she knew that I did everything for her. She meant it. I could tell.
Oh, I am fully aware that she was guilty of sometimes babying my younger brother and made excuses for the older ones most of the time. She stirred the pot when I set boundaries and so on.
I have those negative memories but I don’t dwell on them.
I don’t allow memories to own me anymore. They are now just passing thoughts, especially if something triggers them.
I can’t figure out why I am so uncomfortable entering an empty room. It’s kind of foolish.
I should probably make an appointment with my therapist soon.
Thanks for listening.
Absolutely! You were dealing with a situation that was impossible to make sense of.
It is similar to people who have dealt with people with extreme schizophrenia.
No one knows when the other shoe will drop.
One way one minute and when the wind blows in a certain direction, their behavior is totally different.
Anyone who deals with extremes have the most difficult time. Just managing meds is a challenge.
My NM had vascular dementia (VaD) as well. I too would rather deal with the confusion and nicer then lucid and mean. I know with my NM she could be nice one minute then mean the next minute. It really is a mixes bag of nuts! She too would sometimes seem to be child liked! Thank you both for reassuring me & your support!
Llama,
I am sorry to hear you are not doing well. We care! Hugs!!💞
Then I found a Library book from 1977 that she checked out and never returned. This is going to be a roller coaster ride. God only knows what else I am going to find. Oh and I found all my cat toys that she said she didn't know where they were! This game of "What we'll find" is not a game I really want to play!!! It's weird enough to go through someone's things, little long find your things in theirs!!! Ugh!!!
Lea, as much as I get frightened when I see my mom displaying that she can no longer think, she too is nicer in those states of confusion, almost child-like. I was literally explaining how to water a plant. Then she goes- Oh, okay until it gets big? I was taken aback but just said- you'll need to keep watering it then too. Ans she goes- Ooooh, gotcha. It's the same Ooooh, got it, that she sometimes throws out when she has no clue as part of showtiming, at that point I changed the subject. She was happy with the plant. And here's the thing, last year for Mother's Day I gave her a Peace Lily plant. Fairly large and she keeps it on the floor. She takes care of it like a pet practically, and the thing has thrived. She cleans the leaves, trims the flowers. She even cleans the ceramic pot and tray! So that's why I planted some basil for her, and her acting clueless about what to do with it was strange.
But at least she wasn't hurling insults. I too prefer confused and nicer over more lucid and mean. I think part of why we see this mixed bag with our mothers is because they both have vascular dementia which I'm learning presents differently than Alz. I don't know which is worse. They both suck, but with vascular you never know what you are going to get. That's why she throws you for a loop. There is not much predictability. I don't know how my mom is still paying her own bills and using Uber, but she is. I'm constantly second guessing myself if I should be trying to intervene on what she can still do or not?
Llama, what's going on? Can you vent? Maybe we can help? Safe space here to vent so let us know and let us know if you are okay.
I am so sorry that you aren’t doing well.
I know that you haven’t been well. I hope you feel better soon.
Have you contacted your doctor?