Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

Need: I am so sorry to read late that your mom passed away. Oh, I send you big hugs quite late tonight as I am not doing well at all.

Shell,

I understand what you mean. Yes, sometimes feelings do intentionally or unintentionally come forth.

Sometimes, we don’t care what we say if we have reached our limit. You surpassed your limits with your mom and brother. I have been in that spot too and lost my temper.

Ha! I remember telling my therapist that I lost my temper at times. Do you know what he said? “I am a therapist and I have lost my temper.” That’s why I loved him. He was real!

Actually, there isn’t a right or a wrong way to feel.

For me, it was the way my mom made differences at times between my brothers and me. I hated feeling ‘less than’ at times with all of them.

I honestly don’t know if if my mom realized her past behavior or not.

I do know that she did apologize and I accepted her apology. I forgave her and did appreciate that she was sincere.

I don’t even know if mom behaved a certain way due to her upbringing. They weren’t accustomed to discussing their past issues.

You are correct in saying that families do have secrets.

Sometimes it helps to disclose secrets. Other times, perhaps it is best to let it die with the person.

I suppose that we all have our own feelings on which is best for us.

If it’s cathartic for us to purge the past, I support that.

If purging past hurts will bring on backlash or hurt others or ourselves, then it’s fine to leave it alone.

The most important thing is to do what brings us peace.

I don’t see you as a spiteful person. I see you as a person that it was important for the truth to be known.

You knew your relationship with your mom the best. Who knows what your mom said to others?

As Lea once said on the forum, people lie. Her mom lied and sometimes they are in denial about the cold, hard truth.

I always found it interesting that my brothers always took mom’s words as the absolute truth and were not interested in hearing my side.

There are always two sides to a story. Sometimes there are three sides. Sometimes, the truth lies somewhere in between the two.

I often think about people saying that our lives flash before us at the time of death. What will we see?

Or when we read in near death experiences, people state that we see a ‘life review’ of our lives!

The people in denial will be in for a shock, right?

As far as a memorial goes, that is your decision. Other relatives don’t have a right to say that you should hold one. They can have one of their own if they wish to.

I had an uncle (one of my dad’s brothers) who rejected all religion.

I found it a bit odd that my parents had a service for him.

It was my dad’s choice to have a service and I didn’t interfere but any clergy that entered his hospital room he told them to leave.

He donated his body to science. He was a lifelong bachelor and felt that was the best choice for him.

NHWM,
Of course, we have "all sorts of feelings." We were abused by the one who should have loved us the most. Perhaps you are grieving what should have been or over hope of something changing and coming to terms with that whatever could have been. I know I cried for two days. In part of relief that it was all over and in part of what I hoped for. It's funny how we can be so angry & resentful and still have a tiny bit of hope that our relationships with our NMs will change. But deep down we know it won't!

You are probably on guard because death changes us sometimes for the good and sometimes for the worst, but no matter which way it goes we will never be the same.

I think most of us are taught how to behave when things like this happen. We are taught at a very early age that when people ask us how we are. We are to tell them, we are fine or good even if, that is not true! If you really think about it. We are taught to lie...to hold on to the family secrets!

My NM side of the family wants me to have some memorial service and I told them that my NM use to beat the crap out of me and I'm not having one. I really didn't mean to say it, but in my dispare I just blurred it out. I was shocked what came out of my mouth, but I have to say, it felt good! I am tired of all the lies & secrets! Her family didn't know her. They don't really know me. Now, they hate me. I don't know if it is because I won't do a memorial or because I called my NM out! Not sure and really I could care less!

I know what you mean by this forum. I have learned so much. I have learned a lot about myself as well. Everyone on here has something to offer. Different ideas...Different way at looking at a situation. This forum has saved me in more ways than I can count. It is nice to have people who understand what you are going through or what you went through as a child. Knowing you are not alone!

Thank you NHWH for your kind words!💖

By the way, I know you would love to believe that I don't hold grudges, but sometime I have Irish Alzheimers. I forget everything but my grudges! In my NM case I had to forgive her for myself!!

Piper,

Thanks for your warm thoughts. I appreciate them.

I feel a bit numb at times, you know like it isn’t real.

Other times, I am sad about various things, relieved that mom is no longer suffering and even thinking about my own mortality too.

Witnessing a death tends to bring forth all sorts of feelings.

I am grateful for this forum. I can be myself with all of you because I know that you all understand different situations.

When making phone calls or receiving phone calls during these times, we are cordial and we should be. We can’t speak of things that have hurt us or share our most innermost feelings.

Am I making sense? I guess that I am saying that I find myself on guard at times.

Maybe because I wish to be private with certain people, maybe because I was taught to behave a certain way.

It is helpful to have an outlet, a group of people that I can let my hair down with if I need to, or simply learn from others by reading the posts.

Anyway, thanks to you and others for understanding and caring.

Lea,

I thank you for the hug and warm wishes. It means so much to me how you and others on the forum got me through the dark days and rejoiced with me in times of joy.

We are having a simple graveside service. It’s what she wanted.

We had the big wake and funeral for daddy and other relatives but so many of the older relatives have died off. Mom was 95!

I am having Mass said for her with the vigil candle burning for three days.

I know that her pain and suffering is over. I am relieved.

I keep thinking about Mother’s Day and feeling like that’s when it’s going to hit me like a ton of bricks.

I remember the first Father’s Day after daddy died was really hard for me.

It’s weird, I keep feeling like I should be driving to see her in the hospice house.

I want to do something special for her nurses and caregivers at hospice. They were incredibly compassionate.

Maybe after we pick up her ashes and she is buried in the family plot it will fully sink in.

I was extremely close to my maternal grandmother.

After grandma died, I remember picking up the phone to call her as I always did.

Half way through dialing my grandmother’s number, which to this day I still know, I remembered that she was dead and hung up the phone.

You are right when you say that it takes time to adjust to new circumstances. It truly does.

Shell,

You are entitled to your feelings, whatever they may be.

As far as your brother goes. He will NEVER understand how you feel because he didn’t experience what YOU went through ALONE!

He wasn’t around to help you. He caused you so much grief. You don’t owe him anything.

You have a right to decide what is best for you to move forward.

Your feelings are justified regarding your mom and brother.

I understand why you forgave your mom. You aren’t a person to hold bitterness in your heart.

Some people can forgive easily, others may need a bit of time to heal and process their emotions. It’s a personal matter.

I wish you all the very best as you embrace your future.

Thanks Ladies, I appreciate you all.

EP, good idea going to speak to an elder care atty. The fear of the unknown, for me, is always worse than anything. Get all your info lined up and at least you'll know what options you have. It's unnerving her not knowing how to water a plant which is something she's known her whole life; that's the nature of dementia, though. One day they know something, then poof, it's gone. I agree it's good news that if DH needs the liver transplant, it seems to be an option. One day at a time, right?

Shell, don't beat yourself up for not 'missing' your NM! It's like expecting yourself to miss a boil on your butt that's been hurting you for years! It's okay to feel relieved that she's at PEACE now and so are YOU.

NHWM, are you holding a memorial service for your mother? Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.

We went to see the condo my step son & his wife bought this afternoon. Phew........the place is a giant MONEY PIT to say the least and I'm very uncomfortable with the whole arrangement. They've bit off WAY more than they can chew; the sunroom alone is at least $40K and the 2 bathrooms haven't been touched since the place was built in 1961! Pink toilets that sit practically on the floor and laminate countertops you have to bend way over to wash your hands at! 2 GIANT bathrooms to renovate, a fireplace that doesn't meet code, NO GROUNDING for the electrical, and the list goes on and on. I'm certain those spots all over the ceiling in the sunroom are MOLD too, even though the 'inspector' made no mention of it. Anyway, NM calls while we're there to tell me 'she and her friend went to someone else's house to play games today' and a lot of other nonsense! So she's back to saying things she was saying while at the height of her Cymbalta confusion!!! She just goes up and down on a daily basis which totally throws me for a loop! The odd thing is is that when she's super confused, she's HAPPY and in a good mood! No complaining about pain or the 'stupid morons' in the MC! It's the most peculiar thing I've ever witnessed. I almost wish for her to stay in a heightened state of confusion all the time so she's a happier person in general; sounds crazy, I know.

Piper,
I am doing good. I picked up my NM'S ashes today and I hate to say this, but I had no feelings. It felt like I was picking up a package from the post office. Isn't that just sad...my NM died and I feel relieved & worse yet, I don't even miss her. I haven't even told my narcissistic brother because he is like her but much meaner and aggressive. I am afraid that he will hurt me and destroy my peace. I have forgiven her, but I am still processing somethings. Later, I hope to share what I have learned over the past yr and more importantly, what I am learning about myself after her death.

Thank you for asking!💚
I hope things are going good for you. Remember to take care of yourself!!

Shell, how are you doing?💜

Lea,
You & DH will be in my prayers and thoughts.🙏💜


Xray,
I used to stay up late for the same reasons. There is something comforting at night with silence in the air. Enjoy your alone time. In the morning splash ice cold water on your face this will help with the bags under your eyes & wake you right up! LOL

Lea, thinking of you and your DH. I hope the ongoing scans will be clear. He is strong, as you said, he got through major heart surgery and did great! The news about getting him on the transplant list in case he needs it is good!

My mom is getting worse too. I hate this dysfunctional relationship we have, or I think I would deal with her much better. I planted some basil seeds and made her a pot, it was mature enough today that I gave it to her, and she asked me how to water it. My mom has grown countless basil, and other things. I still get so unsettled by these things. DH and I decided to look for an elder care atty in the coming weeks. I'm so tired of being terrified of the future. I need to get some control and put on the big girl pants.

Hugs to all. NHWM, how are you holding up? Been thinking of you, I hope you are doing okay.

Lea,

You and your DH are always in my prayers. The two of you have been through so much.

Please keep us posted as to what is going on.

Wishing everyone on this thread all the best.

Aoi, sounds like the same doc my mom has. It’s ridiculous.

Praying for both you and I that our Moms get in front of a competent neuro.

Aoi: Getting the appt date wrong, getting oxygen for the DOG, acting goofy esp at bedtime (Sundowning), not finding the right words, unable to finish sentences, calling things by the wrong names all = dementia and I'm not even an Expert Neurologist! How about that? What on earth even led the fool to make such a statement like, "well, one thing I can say for sure is that you don't have Alzheimer's or any kind of dimentia." ???? What provoked it?

Time for a new doc, you are right. But I'm sure your NM LOVES this one b/c he blows smoke up her butt, just the way she likes it.

Speaking of PT, I heard from the OT yesterday who said my NM is in much worse shape than she'd originally thought, and needs 2 CGs to get her in/out of bed despite the fact that I bought her an adjustable BED to lift her up! Plus, NM says NO PT I WON'T DO IT so with 32 recent falls under her belt, things are sliding downhill fast. I speak with the ED of the MC tomorrow, so I wonder if she will say it's time mom move OUT of there? Maybe, although they do want the RENT she pays monthly. We'll see. NM was again talking about 'getting dressed to go see her sister' last night on the phone........all her sibs are deceased. So she's up and down with the severity of the dementia.

Hi Ladies,
I'm posting without having caught up first. I apologise. Also for having been scarce lately.
I got awfully busy, that's a really good thing, girls. I'd been in a place where inertia was about to eat me. You ladies have helped me get over that hump. Also, Mom got her neurologist appt date wrong. It is today instead of Thursday.
Mom fell last night and has been kinda goofy all this week especially at bedtime. So, she was going to get her oxygen concentrator at 1:33am didn't call me, and she wasn't getting oxygen for herself, she was getting it FOR THE DOG. She's had this oxygen prescribed for years for COPD. She's used it 5 times. It sits at the end of her hospital bed so it wasn't even a full stride to turn on the machine but she couldn't get the tubes untangled. She didn't lose her balance, her fitness level is kaput from being in bed constantly ( I know you hear me, Lealonne) so she gave out. Her landing spot was in a galvanized bucket we keep magazines in 🙄😆🙄. No injuries besides some minor bruising mostly to the ego. I brought her the walker to help her stand but that didn't work and while she was trying to pull up (arrogance and Dunning–Kruger prevented me from properly assisting. That won't happen again. Mom won't be in a position to dictate next time) she toppled over into the floor.
Today she had her Appt. So, despite her forgetting the appt date, not finding the right words, trouble finishing sentences, calling different things by the wrong names and forgetting to say anything about the fall and why the oxygen was needed. (I waited to see if she would say anything, she didn't so I 'reminded' her to) the neurologist says to her "well, one thing I can say for sure is that you don't have Alzheimer's or any kind of dimentia."
Okay. We're done here with this guy. He upped one of her meds and ordered PT for her. I might be able to get the ear of the PTists. So far, I haven't had very good luck with that in the last few years of experiences with outside help but I'll try. I've also got to somehow, find and get mom to agree to another doc who's got better sense and observation skills. This one is about as sharp as a salted garden slug and mom didn't even bother to show-time today.
Ladies, whatever prayer you said for me concerning the show-timing worked. So thank you. I wish this doc would do his job but that's OBVIOUSLY not going to happen. So, I don't have any cheeks left to turn. All 4 have been flipped. Time to change strategies. Can I ask for more positive thoughts/prayers?

Hi all. DH went to the liver doc today; they're thinking he may have an autoimmune disorder that's causing the cirrhosis but the biopsy was inconclusive STILL. So, if he gets another malignant tumor on his liver (which there is a 40-50% chance of), then the doc will start the approval proceedings for a liver transplant. It's a long process but he MAY be a good candidate since he got through triple bypass surgery w/o issue. The liver doc said that most cirrhosis patients die during heart surgery! Anyway, for now, they're just keeping an eye on him and he'll be doing a CT scan every 3 months to check for recurrence of the tumor, and we'll take it one day at a time.

It's quiet around here...........no NMs stirring up trouble lately? LOL

Oh by the way, I’m always up on the overnight . I work the overnight shift at the post office. I’m on my break now and then ready to leave to go home.

Lealonnie, yes we should have eaten the mushy cauliflower, lol. I did see that Needhelpwithmom’s mom died. I think my message got lost in the shuffle. My comment is about the 24th one down on the thread. She may have missed it so I will PM her right now.

Lea,

I have recently become a night owl (and an early worm)!

Even though I have "alone time " during the day, the house is bright and full of reminders of all the things I need to take care of!

I find when it's dark, the world gets much smaller! It's comforting!
My hubby is asleep and the house is quiet!
It's completely my time!!

That's when I finally feel at peace!!!

I pay for it with the bags under my eyes, but it's worth it to me!!😘

Krissy,

Welcome to our thread!

This is a safe place to ask, reply or offer advice!

I appreciate your commitment to helping your Mom.
And I understand how you feel the guilt of wanting to pack up and move away! You're not alone!!

Perhaps the best way of helping Mom is to have Grandma move into assisted living!
It's absolutely an agonizing decision, however, Grandma may actually be happier with all of the activities and new friends!

I had to choose between leaving my Aunt in her home of 43 years (alone with no means of help)
or ALF.
For what it's worth, I can't get my Aunt on the phone because she's never in her room! She busy all the time!!

Forgive me, but it seems as though your Mom is the one who needs help to push forward!

Your local Council on Aging may be able to give you advice!!

God bless!!
We're here for you!!

Welcome Krissy! Your grandmother is choosing to stay in her own home, then holding you emotionally hostage FOR her choice! Isn't that rich? As if it's your fault she is climbing on the roof. Needless to say, NOBODY should be climbing on the roof except a qualified roofer that granny is PAYING to do so. If your cousins think she's so cute & endearing, suggest to them that THEY come care for their grandmother and go do her bidding while you become the one to do nothing & let THEM know how 'cute & endearing' you think she is!

The thing is, you're making the choice to help her here, too. The next time she needs something done, tell her you can't possibly do that, but you're more than happy to help her find a SERVICE to hire. If she winds up doing it herself and getting hurt as a result, it's her own fault, not yours. Your mother needs to follow suit and both of you need to present a united front to the woman.

She can 'punish' you all she'd like by telling the family anything at all. Who cares? It's time to let grandma know neither you NOR your mother are going to be jumping through these hoops for her anymore and if she can't live independently in her home anymore, then she needs to look into senior living apartments. Or hire help and pay for it to stay 'independent' in her own home.
Enough is enough! If you keep propping her up, she'll continue the illusion she's perfectly fine on her own.

Make your mind up and then stand your ground with NO GUILT!

HI! I'm helping my mom care for my grandma! Guilt, for me, mostly because I cant stand to see my mom bear the brunt of all of this! My grandma acts like I owe her, like I'm a human sacrifice put here on earth for her to order around- fix the cement on my porch! Go on my roof and get that stick! Move those logs! This is not only unnecessary, but I'm a 118 lb woman, totally drained from this, and it's like she looks for physical labour for me to do. What if I say no? SHE will attempt it. And has broken a hip falling off a ladder, cut her head falling off her garage roof- and of course I'm blamed because I wasnt there to do it! She punished me for taking my kids on a vacation, by telling g everyone in my family that she had to rip her carpet up herself cuz I was gone. My cousins that are allowed to live their lives think its " cute" and endearing- ITS MADDENING. Thinking of making a secret out of state move. Jusr taking my kids and running away and changing my number. But the guilt! Ugh

Aoi, I'm a night owl, so if you see me responding, it's b/c I'm up and bored with what's on TV and checking out the posts here on AC. You're not keeping me up, so no worries! I'm not sure you need a lawyer who's versed with narcissism per se, but an elder care atty who's versed with elders who pull all sorts of stunts in general. And/or a lawyer who knows the mind of a sociopath/criminal which is akin to the mind of a NM. I'd def have one on speed dial b/c you can't live in fear of mommy dearest throwing you under the bus with the authorities again and ruining YOUR life while you're trying so hard to help HER. Either that or you move out, get her into AL and move on with your life. It's way too much to expect you to put up with this sh*t and devote your life to caregiving, renovating her house and all the rest of it. These NMs and their entitlement issues are beyond ridiculous!

Jodi, my NM STILL thinks I'm withholding info from her about The Cure for neuropathy and making her suffer needlessly! Thanks for the vote of confidence MA! Appreciate it! She called last night, btw, to say she knows I'm 'mad at her' blah blah. I said Hey, YOU are the one who's mad at ME b/c I'm not taking you in to live with me, make no mistake! I spoke MY mind for a change and repeated that it's not a topic I'm willing to talk about again, that enough has been said on the subject already. She called again today to say how much pain she's in and how this time is the 'worst it's ever been' which is what she says every time. It's really sad that she can't tolerate ANY medication and that God keeps her alive to endure day after day of pain she can't tolerate. The Cymbalta did help but the staff couldn't deal with all of her falls and super amped up confusion, so she had to be taken off of it again. There's just no answer for her, except to take mild pain killers which take the edge off the nerve pain, but that's about it. I may suggest ice packs to them tomorrow, but I doubt she'd tolerate THAT either. Ice tends to numb the pain of sciatica for me so it may help her, but nothing seems to work. It's just sad to live to advanced old age and have to live with pain and dementia and and and.

Elaine, maybe you could've eaten that mushy cauliflower and called it mashed potatoes, huh? :) Muscle relaxers have a terrible effect on me, too.

Did you all see that NHWMs mother passed away this morning? It was peaceful and pain free and her brother was with her when she passed.

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/update-on-my-mom-465860.htm

Aoi, yes I learned my lesson!!! Thank you for your comment. It put a smile on my face. Thank you for all of your wisdom. I love reading your comments, so inspirational!!! Thank you again!!!

Aoi,

You hit the nail on the head about the narcissistic paranoia!!

My NM has accused me of colluding with with the Director of her ALF .
She calls me after I visit and wants to know what the aides and I talked about.
Just yesterday she asked me if I had called the management company she hired to find her an apartment.

It's exhausting to constantly and cautiously concentrate on filtering your words to your own Mom!

God bless you girl!! You're a Rock Star!!

And by the way, chicks who use power tools Rock and are inspirational!!😘

elaine1962,
--in a craggley, old school teacher voice---
"What did we learn today, dearie? That's right. Drugs and electronics don't mix. Well, unless you're DMT tripp'n to a kaleidescope screensaver."

Sometimes, I get a little concerned about that fictitious, ancient schoolteacher. 

You, on the other hand, are fine, well at least for now. There's a very real thing called stress, (I think you're aquatinted with it.) That'll quickly turn your brain into ( Hey! The stuff in the magic pot is a great example) mush. 
In 2007, my back was a complete, total wreck. My chiropractor ( rare, decent one) gave me 3 sample tabs of a muscle relaxer. The one that I took after work was relaxing enough. Good heavens! I felt like I was made of melting redvines candy. It also mushifies a brain. 
I really don't think you're ready for the facility just yet and hopefully, by the time you and I and the rest of us need one, we'll have gotten it all straightened out or, at least, maybe we'll all end up in the same facility, cutting up and cracking bad jokes. Picture Golden Girls in their golden years. 
That's actually making a pretty picture in my head. I have a house in Florida that's already elder/handicap enabled. When I'm done with it it will, indeed, have a "lanai".

 Y'all stop me. I've got visions of sugarplums dancing in my head😆🤣

Aoi you have helped many people on here including myself. You’re right. All of us will be elderly, sooner rather than later.

I had taken a muscle relaxant because my back was hurting and apparently it hadn’t worn off at dinner time.

I was cooking cauliflower in my instapot that I have done a million times before and I couldn’t get it set to 5 minutes. So I got it set to 3 minutes and 57 seconds. Finally after about 15 or 20 minutes my husband says to me hasn’t 5 minutes gone by yet? You better shut the instapot off. Well I shut it off. It was mush. My husband came over to see what I set it on, I set it for 3 HOURS 57 MINUTES!!!! So we started over, my husband was helping me and he set the time for 5 minutes. All of a sudden the instapot beeps and it says food burned. So my husband opens it up and he says to me I thought you said you put the water in? I said I must have forgot!! So we started all over again!!!!

I told him the muscle relaxant must have made my brain foggy because that has never happened before!!!

I told him you’ll have to take care of me if I loose my mind. He said no, you’ll have to go into a facility. I told him well if you lose your mind first, YOUR going into a facility!!! He’s 64 and I’m 59.

I've thought about a an lawyer. I'd need one who has experience in Narcissism. It's not easy to find in armpit Florida. Still looking. Waiting is a more accurate term. I signed up for elder legal in 2018.
As far as protecting myself, I have a close confidant who's willing to testify if the need should arise. And my browser history, letters, receipts, photos and journal.
Malignant is correct.I rarely use that term. It sounds like something you stepped in that won't wash off. 
Lea, thank you for hearing me. It's awfully late and I really want you to rest. More specifics tomorrow. I hope this long story is help for someone. I'm worried about others in my position too. There have to be changes made to so many things like caregivers and the elderly in general. The statistics state that soon, the elderly population will double. That'll be us. With the state we're in now, I shudder to think.
I'll see you tomorrow. And thank you.🐰🌺🌷🌹💐💖🤗

Aoi, what a terrible position you're in! And that's a horrifying story you shared. I don't know what to say, really, except....have you consulted an elder care attorney about what your obligation to your NM is here? I understand fully why you need a diagnosis which is required at this point, but in the meantime, your mother is a malignant narc. That's obviously dangerous and an EC lawyer could steer you in the right direction I'd think regarding YOUR rights in the midst of her lies. Have you done that? It just makes me so worried to think you're over there killing yourself on her behalf while she contrives stories that could wind up ruining your life! 🤐 How do you protect YOURSELF here, is my question? Idk how you can work anything out with her like 2 mature adults when she's mentally ill, and if you'd even want POA? Is your goal to care for her yourself for the rest of her life since she has no funds and nowhere to go? Scary overwhelming stuff.

Part 2
 I lived in fear for several weeks after that. I mean literal bullet chewing, night sweats kinda fear. I packed my stuff and started a plan of self- extrication. The guilt I felt for what would have been leaving dad behind was, for lack of a better term, excruciating.
Mom "hadn't heard" the part about the police and being hauled off to the pokey, so when the aide threatened out loud to, AGAIN call DCF over an unrelated issue ( mom liked to sleep on the couch instead of her room, something I had zero control over and why would DCF care?) I had to remind mom of the police and pokey fact and that despite the aide's denial of calling DCF, she just admitted it right then and there. Mom got all panicky. She knew she'd gone too far and set herself up by complete dumb accident, made up some excuse about the aide mouthing off (the aide mouthed off all the time. Why now?) and fired her. That was the end of that chapter. 
Toxic people do toxic things like backstabing and triangulation. That's never going to change. Mom's judgement, just because she can't control those two things is evidence of mental illness. Add that she cannot take care of herself, (complete disability is, now, diagnosed by the Cardiologist's PRN) has no money for care, nowhere she can go, can no longer finish a sentence without long pauses to find missing words or losing the entire subject of conversation, now there's reason for real concern, if doctors would take notice of it. They don't. Well, the neighbors do. That doesn't help much.
A diagnosis would give me a large measure of protection. I am the only thing mom has standing between her and the neighbors calling about decay of the house, rats, vermin, hoarded garbage. All of which were huge issues before I got here. None of which exist today. If they knew all, this, doctors would have no choice but to recomend guardianship. They don't know because mom doesn't tell them anything like that. I don't want guardianship it's a nightmare that once again makes me more vulnerable to a triangulated attack. I'd prefer to work it out like two mature adults. The doctors won't talk to me...yet. I have to get mom moving on the POA. I know why she's dragging her feet. If I were her I'd be scared too because she thinks the ugly, nasty, black truth is likely to come out if I'm allowed to talk with her doctors. Truth is, I'd rather not put us both through that but I have leverage ( documentation from elder source, pictures, several years of journaling) if I choose to use it. Mom, if the situation was reversed, would not hesitate to use that leverage. And that scares her because she thinks everyone thinks as she does.
This is why most narcissists are paranoid. They're sure the world is out to get them because that's what they'd do.
And there's my truth. All of it, or at least the part that brings me here.