Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
Part 1
Lea,
This isn't easy for me to say but I feel like I need to get it out there.
I don't know if meds might help mom or not at this point. I can't think of any pharms that change a lifetime of toxic negativity and turn it into something that's manageable. Therapy is a freshly realized pipe dream and whatever else there is, I don't know about. Here's the honest and the hard part. The DX is predominantly for MY benefit. I'm so dam tired of flying monkeys and people who might mean well but are missing the obvious. There was an event I keep going back to in my head when Dad was alive and had aides coming to the house. These women had a job but would invariably chat on the phone most of the time and gossip with mom instead of doing anything but the most basic things. I called supervisors to try to get it fixed. Time after time I was told that I just didn't appreciate the service like I should. In the meantime, I was doing all the heavy lifting. Laundry, dishes, housework dad's needs, medications and mom's stuff too. in addition to all the other things that had to be done to make the house, at minimum, safe: repairs remodeling painting. The time came when I thought we'd gotten a good aide. I was wrong.
One day, out the clear blue sky the aide lit into me like I was a raw piece of meat and she was a starving lion. The accusations she threw at me were from somewhere in outer space and I had no idea what she was ranting about. Mom was there and said nothing. The aide ended her tirade saying "...and she disrespects her father" The statement was made directly to my mother. Well, that cut it. "EXCUSE ME?" I asked. "I ain't talk'n to you" She said then. "Now, see, you're disrespecting your mom." That cut it even further. Mom said nothing, I chose my response carefully and told her I was going for a walk to calm down and when I got back, we could talk like civil adults about what just happened and more importantly, what brought it on. The aide continued ranting as I walked away. When I got back she'd left early. My son was visiting at the time and was dumbfounded. He was even more dumbfounded as after I walked away, my mother attempted to comfort the aide. From what my son gleaned from the conversation,was that while I was working on the house, during aide visits, mom was trashing me and feeding the aide BS. Which, of course, the aide believed, even while my son was there contradicting his grandmother in real time. And it's not like the aide couldn't see the results of what I was doing. It's just that mom is just THAT gifted. Over the next, few weeks or so, mom saw this as a convenient opportunity to create a "rivalry" in which she announced repeatedly that she did not want to be in the middle of. The announcement was for me, not the aide. Triangulation stinks. The time came when I needed to repair the floor in most of the main areas in the house. I moved a t.v. into dad's room so that his favorite occupation would be taken care of while I tackled the floors BY HAND. For the most part, dad would be in his room during the day to keep him out of the dust and chemicals. On the second day it rained and ruined my ability to get a coat of finish on the floors. On day 3 there was a knock at the door. It was DCF. I was glad to see her because I thought she was there to talk about dad's medicaid. No. She was there because someone reported me for 'confining' dad to his room. I'm sure I turned a horrid shade of deep purple. I've never, in my life, felt like that. I wanted to hurl my cookies. I can't, to this day tell you what that feeling was, exactly. I talked to the DCF lady at length. We went over everything and she could see the work I was doing. She talked to mom privately and then dismissed the case with a warning: She could not be called again. That would force her to have to call the police and have me removed from the home. The aide denied calling DCF.
EOF part 1 see next, Part 2
Gabapentin; at one point my NM was rushed off to the hospital and taken OFF of it entirely b/c her vertigo was HORRENDOUS. The gab was blamed for it, but meanwhile, she had bad vision, bad hearing AND no feeling in her feet from the neuropathy meaning she had no idea where she was in space. THAT is why she was having chronic vertigo to the degree she was having it, and off we'd go to the ENT doc for Epley maneuver treatments left & right. I should mention she was walking with a walker in those days and should NOT have been. About 2 years later is when she was again hospitalized and went into a wheelchair full time as the neuropathy warranted it. No more vertigo, as if by magic. Of course, the pain did NOT diminish one bit but continued to INCREASE, so here we are now, with NO medications to help her pain (or so she claims) and only worsening pain with passing time. I've read that end stage neuropathy = no feeling AT ALL in the legs/feet yet here she is, 15 years in, and only increasing pain? Her doc said that 'sometimes happens'. I say, the only thing that happens with her is the worst case scenarios. Sad but true.
So Aoi, even if you find the right dx for your NM, do you think there will be a medication to help her? I only ask this b/c as of now, there have been NO MEDS to help my NM with ANY of her issues; neuropathy, memory loss, dementia, vertigo, nothing. Nada. Zip. The Cymbalta surely did help her hostility and mood issues greatly, she was actually civil and said things to me like "I miss you" which prompted a phone call to my DD who was shocked to hear my NM said that to me! LOL. Anyway, she had to be taken off of it b/c it made her dementia SO BAD that she was falling and unaware of it! Can't make this sh*t up. Now she's back to being mean and miserable 24/7. I'd pay $10K for someone to put her on SOMETHING to make her happy. Anyway, imo, nobody gives much of a rats backside about the old folks and their diagnoses and scans, etc. It's pretty awful and you're in FL, right, where it's even WORSE! My folks lived there (and I did too for a while) for 17 years so they ran into bad healthcare situations quite often. I hope you can find an answer for your mother and get her stabilized SOON. I don't even know how I remembered WKS myself........I just forget SO MUCH STUFF lately I feel like I'm going down the dementia highway some days. UGH. But I remembered the lady at the MC and her issues, so I mentioned it.
*Don’t take a covert narcissist to therapy
It’s also the worst idea to take a covert narcissist to therapy because that’s a training ground for them, and they will learn from the therapist where the cracks are showing in their mask, and what to change that about their behavior. And a lot of therapists will be really impressed with covert narcissists because they’ll do all their homework, they’ll be really attentive, because now they’re becoming the therapist.
So going to therapy, does not help with these people.
You read my mind, Wernicke Korsakoff Syndrome was exactly what I was thinking. I couldn't remember the names right off hand and was doing 20 things at the same time which just means I was too lazy to go look it up. That condition is supposed to show up on a CT scan. Meh, these things are an art form and over at that particular imaging center the artist most likely had a certificate from "Granny's Yellow Bus University". Now, don't go think'n I've got issues with people who are little slow. I don't. I just don't think it's the best idea to give them radioactive materials to paint with. Mom can't do MRI anymore. She's got a device implanted that prevents that. She'd had a few MRI's before that. Something might have shown but nobody was forthcoming with it.
It's hard to wrap my head around the idea that folks who aren't good with kids still want to have them enough to adopt. In your case, you put the experience to good use and I'm delighted that you found your family and that it's been a life changing experience for you. Thank you for sharing that with us. I think we can all benefit from your experience and perspective.
Gabapentin. Well, turns out the PRN had questions about mom being on it from the beginning. Mom took it for neuropathy. One minute she'd swear by the stuff and often in the same breath she'd swear it did nothing for her. I spent a few years as a pharmacy tech and thought very seriously about becoming a pharmacist and that experience sort of gave me a nudge but pretty much anyone can open research files on pharmaceuticals ( if you know where to look) and see that over time gabapentin has some questionable side effects especially when interacting with everything else she's taking. Mom takes 2 psychs. There were some doughnut holes we went through when she ran out...I want to be civil about the description of what that was like. I can't find the words. Since then, there were changes made to plans and running out of stuff won't happen again.
So, I got the pfizer jabs. I have an underlying issue that might have caused a problem or 2. I had some soreness and that that awful feeling you get before the flu eats you. It lasted a couple of days and that was the end of it. Mom had no reactions at all on the first, the second she had a slightly sore arm. Looks like we're going for a booster 'round September.
Battle scars. Yup. I have feeling that's why my brain seizes up occasionally. It's trying to read over a lump of flesh that's unreadable like a scratch on a DVD. Brain says to me: " Oh Really? You wanted to remember Wernicke Korsakoff Syndrome? Sheeyeah, you're gonna need to sand that area down then refill it with information. Meantime, that's 404."
Oh heavens! Tommorow's Monday. Who's idea was that?😆
🐰🌺🌷🌹
I also work for the post office and on more than one occasion I have told the lead clerk who is a man ,”it’s a mans world in here!”
" in the recommendations area it said therapy was NOT recommended for my mom. "Based on the severity of her cognitive deficits NM would not benefit from participating in individual psychotherapy at this time". Hmm."
My first reaction was Whaaaaaat? But then it dawned on me that psychotherapy relies on problem solving skills, redirecting toxic behavior, self awareness, awareness of others and the ability to remind oneself about all of that. And crimenedly, now it, UNFORTUNATELY, makes sense. Dangit.
Your mom and the wedding...I hear ya. My son is doing the same at the end of ,July. Is there a possibility of giving her THE most important job in the world that only she has the grace, talent and superior ability to perform during the times you need her not to be present?
I hear you loud and clear! I am a southern woman too. I live in New Orleans. We have come a long way but the ‘good old boy’ network is alive and well.
This is why I feel that some of our moms are somewhat jealous of their daughters, whereas our generation are supportive of our daughters.
It’s another area where we broke cycles. We want our daughters to achieve as much as possible.
It took my mom awhile before she accepted that it was fine to have a job while being married and raising kids. Most of the the women in her time stayed home.
I told mom that she worked hard but didn’t get a paycheck for it!
I hear you when you said:
"I will always support my kids but I want them to know the joy that comes from being independent."
AMEN!.
"I bet a large portion of women had unfulfilled dreams and I wonder how many of them took out their frustrations on others, especially daughters who worked during their lifetimes."
It's only been in recent history that women have finally become considered 'human'. Before that we were considered vessels for child bearing. Even more recently, granted the ability to vote -- Grrr. Just Grrr. We still live, for the most part, in a Patriarchal society. We've made a lot of strides but we have a Long, long way to go. As recently as 10 years ago ( mind you, I'm in the South) sitting here in clear view of the street, wearing my tool belt and having a coffee would earn me the title of " sad, lonely, frustrated, big-headed lesbian". The audacity to be a crazy woman who thinks she can live in a man's world and do manly things! Good Gawd! I don't really have a problem with having the lesbian label, as far as labels go, but it just doesn't fit and it was a dig at both me and lesbians.
Today, a lot of the elderly in my neighborhood are saying just that as I type this.
Each generation builds within itself a greater understanding of ourselves, our world and the universe around us. There will come a day, if we survive those who would destroy all the hard work that we've done so far, when the people of that day will look back on our generation as we see those who established civilization and think it was a miracle that we survived any of it.
We have a long way to go. And our generation has a lot of positive things to say about humanity. Just don't forget that our harshest judgements come from the generation behind and the generation in front of us. That's just human nature.
In light of that and perhaps, in spite of it, we're all human and it might not serve us best to define human beings by the doings of a generation.
The fact that you're thinking about it means to me that you think on a level that is larger than just yourself and how you're perceived. You get ♥️💖❤️💗❣️💝💓 for that.
You came to the right place!
You've got a bad case of the guilt, honey. Notify everyone you need some "you time", get a cup of tea or whatever it is you you like best and just breathe.
I know you're going crazy right now and that's totally understandable.
There's not a single one of us who will pass judgement on you when you make your decision on what to do.
What we're going to try to do is help you see what's best for you, your family and your mom. In the end, it's going to be your decision and we'll stand by you and that decision.
It sounds, to me, like you might already know what to do but you're having a difficult time getting past the guilt.
I can't tell you that the guilt goes away but it does get easier. The important issue right now is that your mom gets the care she needs and it sounds to me like you're not in a good place to take that on yourself. There's NO shame in that.
I may have missed it if you posted more details on your situation so forgive me for that and if you haven't posted before, please do let us in on your situation.
We've got your back. In the meantime, decompress. The stress on this journey can literally injure you if you don't make time for that. It's job#1. Build a Happy Place Job#2: Go to your Happy Place, decompress.
Happy places are not merely an escape, they are safe places that allow you time for yourself, meditation and restoration of a healthy mental status. Happy Places don't, in any way, require a physical location. Some of the best Happy Places are located between your ears. Over the years, I've really enjoyed building real and virtual Happy Places. Just the planning and execution has been therapeutic for me. Whatever material you choose to use whether it's mental, virtual or actual, the time and effort is well worth the investment and recently, I've found that taking this group with me to my Happy Place has made a Happy Place within a Happy Place -- a kind of "meta" Happy Place.
You've got one shot at this life. Whenever you can, make it your best life.
🤗🌼😊🌻🥦💖💐
You're absolutely correct about the stigma associated with mental health. You're also right about the generation that broke the silence. Keen observation skill, you have. ( I don't actually try to sound like Yoda, it just happens. I WISH I had Yoda's skills). Mental health care has come a long way in just a generation and I hope, soon, that the remaining stigma disintegrates. I also hope that more insurance plans include mental health. There are way too many folks who could benefit from help but aren't getting it because too many plans don't see mental health as part of medicine. Last time I checked, my brain was attached to my body and is pretty much in charge of the rest of what goes on inside that body.
I totally get how confusing it was when you were a kid. Wouldn't it be great if finally knowing what is actually going on came exclusively with the sigh of relief feeling? We aren't simple creatures though, and "getting it" comes with all the other feelings too. Maya Angelou is kicking around in my head saying "When you know better, you do better." And it's true. You're the evidence of that.
Thank you for sharing your insight, truth and revelations with us. 🤗🌼😊💖🌹
I'm as pleased as a lizard on a warm rock that I could inspire you. I'm hoping you have that photo blown up and hung on your wall. That's lovely.
The fog, Yup. I've had them from time to time in life but I'd gone for many years without until last October. I'm finding my way out pretty quickly now that you ladies have become a torch.
Who invented this NMama condition/disorder? I want someone to hold accountable and write a scathing letter to. 😋
The show-timing is, indeed, a phenomenon. Dad would do it too. His narcissism was entirely due to dimentia/Alzheimer's. He was really good at show-timing too. He had a V.A. doctor completely convinced that his diagnosis might need re-evaluation and doc had more than 30 years of geriatric experience. Daddy loved all the attention he got from pretty ladies at the V.A facility. Everyone thought he was just "adorable" and until he did his sun-downing, for the most part, he was. On that visit, he got himself a shiney, new scooter. He drove the test scooter through and around the obsticle course like a pro. At home, he did exactly what we were concerned about, ran over furniture, into walls, ran it at full speed downhill. Heavens! After a while, and a few mended chairs and a very Frighted T.V., I parked it in the garage. Daddy didn't miss it. His memory, by that time, was like a crashed computer without a boot disc.
Mom is a different story. She's not ever been mentality stable. Her narcissism has always been there and has always done the charming thing until she's tired of you or needs/wants something you won't give her. Always angry. She's always expected everything to be handed to her. Her pattern is really easy to follow if anyone payed attention. No one ever does until it's too late and they end up trying to repair their crushed, liquified, self esteem usually asking me, "what happened to your mom?" When I remind them that I warned them, I suppose they feel like a statistic. Already beaten and crushed, they have little to say. Where show-timing is concerned, I think, with some advance thought and some planning, I might be able to coax a tantrum, Mom's gotten near tantrum before in a doc's office. I don't much look forward to the fallout but it would be worth it if the outcome was positive. I thank you for the idea and sharing your truth with me, E.P.
Good for you for backing off on the phone calls to every 3 days!!! I got to the point with my mother that I visited her once a week and my son went twice a week and I let her call me. She stopped answering the phone so I stopped calling. She had an amplifier on the phone so she couldn’t say she couldn’t HEAR it!!!
I laughed at your comment about the toilet paper. I have to change it every time too. My DH would put the roll on wrong. He put it on going OVER. I always put it on UNDER, lol.
Everything was always someone else’s fault. ALWAYS. She blamed my father for EVERYTHING. She never said she was sorry to him because she was never wrong.
There were times my father would admit he was wrong and say I’m sorry to either me or my mother, but my mother never said she was sorry to HIM, EVER!!!
There were times she said she was sorry to me but they were few and far between. She never said it to me once my father passed away and she was 73. She never apologized to me for anything after that.
Thank you to Aoi and Lealonnie for all of your wise words. They help me so much!!
Welcome!
We're so glad you're here!!
This is a safe place to vent, ask or give advice!!
Elaine,
I do worry about the next generation!
I have repeatedly explained to my wonderful children that I feel as though I have done a 180 from my NM. I think they get it!!
I have intentionally stayed out of their business unless they ask for my advice!
My daughter is constantly asking for my advice (I love it), my boys, not so much. That's OK!
Aoi,
Thank you for your kind words!
I am loving your posts!!
You make me smile!
I had an epiphany tonight!
I have been pushing my calls to NM from every 2 days to every 3 days.
Of course as ya'll know it comes with a certain amount of guilt.
Typically this would make me edgy and short with my hubby.
For the hundredth time tonight, I again had to replace the empty toilet paper roll. The new rolls are within arms reach.
As I was replacing the cardboard roll for the fresh pillowy new roll, it occurred to me that if this is the worst thing I have to deal with, I am blessed!
My point being, choose your battles VERY carefully!
Only spend your energy on the things that TRULY affect your life!
Take care of those who take care of you! Tolerate those who don't .
Above all, take care of yourself!
You are of NO use to anyone, especially yourself, if you're miserable!
Forgive my ramblings!!
It's late, I am tired, but I kinda feel like it's poignant!
(((Hugs)))
They will live and die with that armor intact and the meteorite I talk about won't even blast thru the walls of it. We are the ones who have to realize it and step back, for our own health and sanity. I am just now finally feeling the truth of that statement after stepping back from all the hurtful messages my NM has been slinging at me, and now my DH, for at least the past month. WE are the ones who have to say ENOUGH.
I read somewhere that the ability to "showtime" will eventually fade away as dimentia/Alzheimer's progresses. (Might have been here where I read that.) Is it too much to hope that it'll fade by Thursday when mom has her neurology appt?
Thank you so much for sharing your insight and. Knowledge.😊🌻🤗🌼
Lol. Nope. You're not being selfish. If you have enough introspection to ask yourself if you are being selfish, then, you're probably not ever going to "catch" the dreaded
"N"-ism.
I don't know if your Southern, but I am (Lord, help me) and the phrase that I learned early on that was a huge flag was the "I'll *let* you do ( fill in the blank here)". It's a pattern That I recognize as occuring in women over 70 and from the South who have a certain skill set our mothers share. Not always, there are exceptions to every rule.
I really don't think you have any reason to be concerned about setting that boundary unless, say, you're sitting in a lounge chair, enjoying the sun while 'someone's' waiting on you. Somehow, I just don't see that happening.
My heart goes with you.
The help and tools your mom needed were right there. Between stigma and pride, that skill set just waiting for an owner was denied.
Thank you for sharing that with us.
In mom's case, diagnosis would help put things into perspective. As you mentioned, meds and maybe therapy or at least the comfort of knowing what's going on.
I'm just an ordinary person but if I can see conditions, there are probably more than what I know about. Diagnosis would be helpful if not freeing to finally reach the acknowledgement of some serious issues that have, so far, been completely swept under a rug.
We all know about the denial narcissists live in and thier need to gaslight everyone into believing that it isn't the narcissist that has a problem, it's anybody else who isn't on board with the narcissist's version of reality.
It's Saturday night and I certainly hope that if you aren't going out to enjoy it, that your stay at home is restorative and peaceful.💖🤗🌼
Amen! I was adopted, as I said, an only child to boot, saw myself in NOBODY and wound up unhappily married to a self absorbed man with undiagnosed mental health issues. When I found my biological family in 2000 I was 43 years old. I was 1 of 7 half-siblings all with varying degrees of dysfunction. It was a LOT to process. But.....and here's the big but: they saw ME as this big hero, like the long lost sister who was beautiful and successful and charming and who would have been their saviour had our mother not given me up for adoption. All fairy tale ideas, really (they'd all had very tough lives), but THEY gave ME a whole new view of myself for the first time ever. A positive view. I wasn't such a loser after all, that my DH and my NM had made me feel like all those years. My half siblings made me feel like a queen for godsake, and I was shocked at that revelation. Less than a year later I was able to file for divorce after 22 years of marriage and strike out on my own, thanks to finding MYSELF thru that journey.
You are very right with that statement you made. Many of us don't wake up to the reality of our true value until something huge happens.
Sometimes CT scans show no damaged brain with dementia or even alcoholism. Has your NM had a brain MRI? They can be more conclusive. Oftentimes alcoholism leads to alcoholic dementia, Wernicke Korsakoff Syndrome and/or Korsakoff's Encephalopathy. We had an 83 yo very narcissistic woman who lived in the MC I worked at in 19/20 who was a product of alcoholic dementia. Her scans were ok, but her cognitive tests were terrible. She would fall down the stairs drunk at home and couldn't live alone anymore, so the DD placed her. The old lady was just like my NM, insisted she was fine, nothing wrong with her at all, it was everyone ELSE that was nuts and stupid (the other residents). I watched her go downhill dramatically for a year and refuse to bathe, repeat herself CONSTANTLY etc. I heard last week she'd had a massive stroke this past August and died.
Drugs for those with dementia sure seem to make matters WORSE, at least for my NM. Gabapentin had to be reduced a few yrs back, but now she takes about 1000mgs a day. Why does your take that med? Mine takes it for neuropathy pain, but according to her, nothing helps.
Thank you, I am feeling better but still not right. Dehydrated and it's hard to eat without getting nauseated. Lots of heavy perspiration in the morning.....very strange symptoms. DH got the Pfizer jab 2 today so I'm hoping he has no side effects. We're supposed to babysit our grandson tomorrow, God willing, so let's hope it's a go!
Nhwm, sometimes I look in the mirror and all I see is one huge scar! 😅 How are you holding up and how is mom doing in the hospice center?
I love your posting. I think all of us can relate to the comment in the end about scars.
Scars are permanent. They may fade in time, but are always in the background.
We adapt, don’t we? We learn to live with successfully with our scars. Sometimes, we learn tough lessons along the way.
Scars are a reminder of our pain. I have learned to look at my scars as my battle wounds because they also serve to remind us that we are winning the battle or possibly won the battle.
Life is a series of ongoing challenges.
Sometimes, we get downright sick of the fight.
Somehow we catch our breath and carry on, always hoping for the best.
We learn to choose what is best for ourselves.
We have no power to control others behavior.
We can set boundaries for us. That’s all we can do.
Wishing you all the best in navigating through your challenges in life.
You're so right. It's a work in progress and I can't speak for everyone, but I believe we are refusing to be victims and discover our power. I believe all of us have had to do battle with the world and that, alone, is challenging enough. Somewhere along our timelines, I believe each of us had a little nudge or something like it, that allowed us to see ourselves in a way we had not before and as a result, discovered that our voices had been stolen, one note at a time. (This makes me think of "The Little Mermaid" now😋 and how the story could be interpreted figuratively.)
I agree! This group is cool beans with awesome sauce. Or a rare medium, well done. I borrow a lot of silly quotes and reuse them to deliberately be cheezy. If you didn't get a good groan all day, you can count on me.😋 I've noticed that many NM group folks have a lot of pun around here and there's some hilarious digs and snark. So I feel safe to join in. 🤗💖
lealonnie1, Dad was a doo-doo-artist. He was fully DX'ed though. Same neurologist. I read a thing recently that states men are DX'ed twice as often as women. The thing didn't offer a reason, just the statistic. I've a wee story to share concerning cognitive issues. We have a freezer jammed full 'cuz mom can't go to the grocery without spending 6 hours and two arms and a leg. So, I gave options for dinner tonight, one of 'em's chicken 🐔. She says " where'd we get chicken?". That's kinda like asking: "where'd that sky come from?"
I hear you on the drugs.I'm not a fan of too many RX'es. Mom has quite a few but she refuses to take the psychs the way they're prescribed. She has her own definition for how they work so when I got the opportunity, when she had her "episode" (falling, speech slur, black-outs, unable to tell sleep from waking, reality from delusion, extra rage, blood pressure all over the place, incontinence, severe/extreme paranoia, rarely awake, extreme fatigue, zero memory, inability to walk at all, severe depression, the list goes on and on) I took over putting her meds together. First thing I did was wean her off of gabapentin. ( I talked to mom's PRN first.) Neurologist sent her for CT (among a long list of other things) that showed no damage at all. How can that possibly be? If nothing else, 59 years of alcoholism should have been apparent. Taking her off if gabapentin helped but she's not right at all. She's had 3 appts with the neurologist since then and he's got nothing to say. She has another appt Thursday. If he still has nothing to say, I'll have to get someone else involved. To make matters worse, her GP retired last month.
Oh my heavenly stars with the racism. I never, ever told my ex about that and I will die in a fire before I'd tell my son. Sometimes, I think it would be better if mom were up-front about the racism but she saves it for private moments, and or patronizes people of different races by their "strengths". I don't think she understands that others are savvy to that particular presentation of racism. It doesn't seem to matter, though. No one's ever called her on that BS but me. It's amazing to be able to share that and know that I'm in good company. When I broke low contact to come here for dad, mom, out of seemingly nowhere became liberal about LGBTQ. I remember growing up in an environment where I wasn't allowed to listen to "Queen". And when I went to see "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" I thought she would literally have a coronary. I did both, of course. I'm stubborn and ( this is my favorite term of endearment) a "Bad Seed".
I'm right there with you when you can't think of anyone mom likes. If she's able to make a person her extension, she'll be fine with them for a while but the moment they diverge from her perspective, now they're trash. And you're 199% correct about un-saying stuff. Once the scar is there, it's permanent. And I'm so glad you're feeling better. I, too had missed that post.
To be continued. I've reached critical mass in this post.
Great suggestion! I love using my app for the portal.
It really does simplify having access to my medical records.
I can ask questions on my portal. I can make appointments. I can check my labs. The portal is extremely helpful and time saving.
I'm sure NM will try to ruin your special day, that's what these women DO. However, there will be other people present at this wedding so just ignore NM and make her responsible for her OWN behavior! That's my suggestion, what else CAN you do? I know you want to make this a 'happy fun beach vacation for all', but you can't control HER behavior, only your own reaction to it. Which s/b as much NOTHINGNESS as humanly possible, you know? Don't take whatever bait she's throwing out; act like she's NOT THERE as much as you can. Let her interact with the others and let THEM entertain HER; not YOU. You are there for them, not for her.............that's what you need to remind yourself of. If she's angry or pissy, who cares? If she's acting up, she can go home and take a nap like a toddler. The others can 'manage mommy' while YOU manage the festivities, that's your request of THEM. She will act way nicer and better behaved with them than she will with you! Honestly, I doubt she will 'forget' about the after party........these women have memories of convenience where such things are concerned. So IDK how you can tell her she's not invited..........just ask someone else to look after her, that's what I'd do, and sit as far away from her as possible. That's what I do when I had functions where NM was involved; the others were in charge of her care & feeding.
Which brings me to the sick anxiety I'm feeling that my NM will somehow ruin this event for me. In the very beginning before we had any plans made I made a moron move and asked if NM could come too. They said "Sure" and I'm sure they are fine with it, but seriously what was I thinking? Now that we are in the planning phase I realize this is NOT an event I want her to be attending, at all. It's going to be a sunset wedding and after we're going out for dinner and drinks.
But my son and his step sis are going to be staying at my mom's so this is starting to mess with me.
My son is fine to stay at my mom's in fact he told me "Yes, I want to spend time with G-ma". Sigh. Why am I so nervous about this? They will all be here about six days. My goal is to make it a happy fun beach vacation for all, have some quality time together, and give them the freedom to do as they want also. AND to now make sure my mom is not included in the ceremony/after party. How do I say- Look you couldn't handle it anyway, so your not coming to that part. Also, it's not like my mom is close to any of these people. I am. You all, please pray that my mom forgot I even mentioned the ceremony. Remember several days ago when I told her they were getting married she got irritated and changed the subject to me not going to my brother's surgery with her and my sister. So- I hope she just forgot.
Well yesterday NM made it to her PCP appointment and back. She didn't check in with me at all, but I got an email from her PCP - a CC I think that my mom also got, it said: "A summary of your recent visit on 04/23/2021 is now available. These visit notes may include important information on follow-up care, medicines, diagnosis and more. We know it can be hard to remember everything your provider says during a visit. So we hope you take a few minutes to view these notes."
I used to be able to check her portal, but then one time she tried to check it and screwed up the password, and I haven't been able to resolve the issue due to her "privacy". -- "You don't need to go in there" Fine.
But this kind of email is a first. NM doesn't know but I still get all the reminders, and other info. I'm still on her HIPPA and they know she isn't very cooperative with me. So I read this and wondered if she was displaying her dementia at that appointment?
Mindee, welcome to the forum. Lea gave you some good advice, but please jump in and tell us more. Vent, ask for advice, whatever you need. You will find support and comfort here from people who get it! Burn out is real, these situations we are in are extremely difficult, and it's essential to reach out.
Chris, yet another commonality with these narcs, how they mock therapy. Well of course they do. This reminds me, when I got my mom's full neuro-psych eval in the mail, in the recommendations area it said therapy was NOT recommended for my mom. "Based on the severity of her cognitive deficits NM would not benefit from participating in individual psychotherapy at this time". Hmm.
Funny because my mother hasn't shut up since she learned how to talk.
Nhwm, I know you meant not to push our kids in a direction that they don’t want to go, or cripple them by doing everything for them. I think it's our job to guide them, not force them, and coach them to be productive members of society by doing for themselves.
I do think our generation broke cycles.
We certainly did in many ways.
So did the women in the 1920’s. We owe a lot to them. They fought for us to have the right to vote! They had spunk!
I agree that it is fine to help others (especially our children) to get over a bump in the road. Certainly, no woman should ever have to put up with abuse from any man, not ever! So sorry that you went through that.
I only meant not to push them in a direction that they don’t want to go, or cripple them by doing everything for them.
It’s sad what your mom did. She disconnected herself from you.
They really believed what they told you too. Some people of that era didn’t believe in higher education and felt that women should marry and have kids.
I remember my great aunt being called a spinster and old maid because she chose not to marry. She was engaged but he was killed in the war. She never fell in love again and didn’t deserve to be called an ‘old maid.’
You are right in saying that none of us are perfect moms. I do think we learned things from our younger days, as far as behavior not to repeat. You didn’t repeat the cycle with your children.
We take the good and discard the rest.