Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
I'm a little newish and I looked all over to reply directly to Hellebore7 about the Facebook post that was a 1 way ticket 🎫🎟️ for an extended stay in beautiful, downtown 'Land O' Guilt" where all the streets are lined with gaslights; there is but one person who matters in all the world (who could ever want for anyone else?) and the theatre needs only one actress because "there can be only one"!
But I don't see the way to reply directly. Maybe someone will point me in the right direction so I'm not such a newb next time.
Anyway, in response:
Great Monkees of fiery doom!
That FB post really bites gobs of tacky donkey butt.
If it were me and oh buddy! It has been-- a few times--Facebook is full of memes that don't make healthy sense and they get passed around like they're some sort of whimsical Epiphany-- If I had to call her on it, I'd mention (in passing) that you thought she had more class than posting a tacky, worn out meme. Surely, it was a mistake, right? It was just a thing caught in her memory buffer that got posted by accident, right? Because the Mother you know would never, ever post such a tacky, no-class bid for attention!
You don't have to believe she'd never post anything like that, we both know better.
To a narcissist, this response hits directly on the nerve where no one has more character than they do. No one in this entire world, except the 1 or 2 folks they admire from afar can be any better at being a quality human being. Tacky, is common and we all know that Narcissists can't possibly be common.
Now, that might seem cruel.
So, yes maybe it is. But you kept calm, (butter would not melt in your mouth!) And you said it coming from a place where you're concerned what other people might think of her (how could she possibly broadcast that her children don't appreciate her? What kind of common skank does that? Is what people think) Don't actually call her common or a skank. That's just the conclusion you want her to draw.
The other way you might deal with it is the gasp of horror. Nothing says " I can't believe you'd sink to this level!" Like the gasp, followed by the hanging jaw.
Make no mistake. You didn't post this crap. She did. What kind of person does that? We both know the answer but the point here is that you're horrified although you will be brutally calm, (stay that way) that your mother of all people, would post trash like that.
She set a standard for you to live up to. Pointing out that this is a standard for common trash, ( don't actually say 'common or trash') and counterintuitive to the way she raised you🙄 and you are ( very, very calmly) horrified.
It might just have a marked effect.
😌Keep it calm! Keep the words without edginess, picture yourself in a room full of kindergarteners and you just stepped on a piece of broken glass... barefooted.
OR, you could say nothing at all. If she draws your attention to it, you could say you meant to ask her about that because you thought someone had hijacked her account.
Whatever you do, whatever you choose to say or not to say, don't let her know it affected you in a personal, self defense kind of way. Narcissists do things like this so that you feel bad about yourself. You don't feel bad about yourself. You feel bad for HER because she's not acting like herself ( the self she'll soon realize isn't the grand pooh-bah of all mankind)
Bringing it to her attention as though it is beneath HER, puts the focus on her. Which is what she wants but in this case it backfired and now she looks bad...to other people...to people she knows...people who now think she's tacky. Wheather she's truly tacky or not, this is a poor reflection on HER. Leave right then. Right after you said or didn't say. Don't hang around and give her time to turn it around on you.
Stay calm. Don't let her push your buttons. If she starts in on you before you have time to get away, Go to your happy place. If you don't have a happy place, let's make you one ToDaY!
I just don't understand why it's got to be ME who takes care of everything. For years she's made this big show of how many friends she has (see: Narc need for praise and flattery.... she's done tons of volunteer work despite her advanced degree for 20 years so half of the town we live in owes her favors.) Why doesn't she call THEM and whine about loneliness or health problems or whatever else? I think I just answered my own questions as I wrote that: Because they won't listen and she thinks she has a captive audience in me. Geeeez I don't know how I'm going to survive this for another 20 years if it comes to that. I really need to get off my duff and get a counselor - I've been putting it off because I don't know who to call and it seems like a lot of work to try to get a good fit, but I just have to.
Piper, it's good to hear you've learned what NOT to do with your own son. I learned what not to do in marriage from my parents - DH and I are super tight, like nmom knows she better never bad mouth one of us to the other one. There's no way in a million years DH would ever side with her in an argument which has to drive her crazy. (She threatened to disown me when I married him - luckily I stood my ground b/c I knew if I let her poleaxe my engagement she'd feel free to try to sabotage my relationship with any other guy with whom I got into a relationship. She'd only have been happy if I'd married a filthy rich guy, like one of my cousins did.) Hope the son lives nearby so y'all can have time together when it isn't all taken up by your nmom.
Lea: "Mine does the same thing; even though I have no siblings she can pit me against, she loves to tell me how she 'thinks' things 'should be' with my children and how 'awful' she thinks it is they don't call me continuously or whatever, as if we should have a dysfunctional relationship she feels is 'normal'. She wants me to 'feel badly' that my children 'don't love me enough' or some such thing, which is absurd."
You know, one reason I never had kids was I knew my mom would just ignore them (also I had an awful childhood which I would not wish on anyone else, among other reasons.) Sounds like I may be glad I didn't have them for some other reasons - nmom would probably have definitely thought she knew better on how to raise them when she wasn't ignoring them!
Thanks for the moral support NHWM! You're right, special occasions are always loaded and one always seems to come up RIGHT after I've had some blowup with nmom which makes navigating them that much harder. Luckily at this point I know it'll be harder so I've quit putting unrealistic expectations on myself but it's still never easy, especially with people around who don't know what having narc or personality disordered family members is like. My only half sibling has what's likely full blown borderline, so holidays have never really been what you'd call easy at our house.
I do think I'll go over to aunt's on nmom's birthday but I'd really like not to stay that long. I just don't know what I'm going to do about the fact that they want me to call and come see them 24/7, I'm just not going to do that especially with all the self absorption and complaining. Just going to have to get used to being told no matter what I do it's never enough, I suppose.
Special occasions like birthdays, holidays, etc. always seem to add more pressure, don’t you think?
Do whatever is most comfortable for you.
Your feelings are equally important.
The reason that I felt like there was more pressure on special days was because some people feel like we can just instantly flip a switch and it’s going to be, ‘Oh, happy day.’
It just doesn’t work that way. Working through our emotions takes time.
We process, we grow. We learn what works best and what doesn’t work.
I am so glad that you are getting your second shot!
I bet we are all going to need booster shots down the line.
At least for now though, we have some protection.
Can you bring yourself to try blunt honesty? Like first ask WHY she is posting that crap? Say- Mom, what's the big pity party you are posting on FB, are you trying to shame me? Because it won't work. Then if she gets angry you can remind her of YOUR memories of your own childhood!
One thing about narcs, they rewrite history. Mine is doing that more and more. Some is dementia, but a lot of it is the narcissism too. Resist and tell your mom you don't appreciate the subtle suggestions on Facebook (of all places) that you aren't living up to her selfish expectations.
Or beat her at her own game and respond to her post with your own memory recall. Would that scare her into not pulling that crap again? Narcs expect and train us to keep their secrets. She might be shocked if she sees you can and will defend yourself.
I'm sure I will have more to say but I too need to log off. Talk to you ladies soon.
My NM has no idea how I have consciously tried to NEVER be like her when raising and dealing with my own son. Like his entire life! We have a very good relationship, and it's genuine. Funny how that works isn't it? My son doesn't even know about my struggles with NM. My problems aren't his problems and never will be.
Well, at least we can say they taught us what NOT to be!
I can't believe your mom fell again, that is unreal. Is there a version of an adult crib, so she couldn't get out? Locked sides rails? Something so she would have to call for assistance? A padded cage? Lol... oh my the visual. I think I need one for mine 😂
Seriously tho, something so she would have to call for assistance. These falls are out of hand.
Glad your getting your 2nd jab. I got a fever for a day after my 2nd and so did DH. Just a day though and not a big deal. However, in your case it is going to be a big deal and you will have to restrict visits until next week. ;)
I dunno. She is just exhausting. I mean, yeah! Admittedly I DON'T have a lot of energy to deal with her because I'm depressed generally, but a lot of it is her antics and self pity which never seem to stop.
Caveat: I didn't get much sleep last night and some other things are going wrong which is probably why this is bothering me more than it should... I really probably shouldn't say/do anything until I can get caught up.
(Sorry, my phone is blowing up just as i'm getting to comments about y'all posts - Piper, I'm glad you have backup from your brother!! More when I get back from picking up the cat from the vet <3)
But I have to say *some*thing about why I've taken such a big step back, right? Here's where I made a mistake: telling the truth, which is that I've been pretty bummed out by the pandemic dragging on and on and taking away fun things like movies, concerts, travel, etc. Stupidly I used that as an excuse as to why I don't want to do anything with her on my own birthday in about ten days - the real reason is that a "celebration" for me wouldn't be about me at all, it'd just be entertainment for her and my aunt who is essentially a shut in at this point. (I don't mind going to see her but I don't want to do it on my birthday, so probably I should just ask for another date which I don't care about as much.)
So now nmom is pestering me to death with unwanted advice on how I can feel better, i.e. buying books she recommends, listening to her own "spiritual advisors" which I generally find to be quacks, etc.
News flash: If I feel better? We're still not going back to me doing way too much for you, calling you every day to sit on the phone, and listening to a long assortment of your complaints about situations that YOU caused, and which YOU still have plenty of capacity to do something about.
I swear, I have no idea why she has decided that we've switched places and now I'm *her* mother with total responsibility for her well being. Some of it is that's how things have been in our extended family, in which children have moved in elderly parents but a.) those people had siblings to help out and b.) that certainly isn't what I saw nmom model: She didn't lift a finger for either of her parents, let her siblings do the work, and left my dad after he developed a terminal illness (which of course dumped his care right in my lap, but that's a rant for a different day.)
Y'all should SEE the crap she's posting on Facebook, let me cut and paste a little:
"WHEN PARENTS GET OLD ...
Let them grow old with the same love that they let you grow ... let them speak and tell repeated stories with the same patience and interest that they heard yours as a child ... let them overcome, like so many times when they let you win ... let them enjoy their friends just as they let you … let them enjoy the talks with their grandchildren, because they see you in them ... let them enjoy living among the objects that have accompanied them for a long time, because they suffer when they feel that you tear pieces of this life away ... let them be wrong, like so many times you have been wrong and they didn’t embarrass you by correcting you ... LET THEM LIVE and try to make them happy the last stretch of the path they have left to go; give them your hand, just like they gave you their hand when you started your path!
(“Honor your mother and father and your days shall be long upon the earth”.) - God"
OK, I'm seriously LOLing reading this. My mother completely ignored me for weeks at a time in favor of her career when I was a kid. "let them enjoy their friends?"! I was an artistic kid who was constantly unfairly accused of doing drugs, because my friends dyed their hair and listened to rock bands. I could go on but it's seriously hacking me off just thinking about this.
I'm wondering what she's trying to achieve by publicly shaming me for not being good enough? Because she's passive aggressive enough that's 100% the goal, is my guess.
I had committed to going over to my aunt's for an hour or so on nmom's birthday but now maybe I won't. I'll just go drop off the plant and gift card I got for her and call it a day.
As far as telling you how much FUN she had at your sister's, it's like my NM telling me how wonnnnnnnnnnnderful all the other resident's children are, how THEY come to visit ALLLLLLLLLLLL the time and blah blah, which is a bald faced lie! Drawing comparisons..............another thing these women LOVE to do! And we always come up SHORT, don't we? Amazing how that works. Meanwhile, I'll be running off to the store to pick up 100 'necessities' NM has, but can't remember what they are, as usual, for the bathroom! Can't make a list, God forbid, so I have to guess what she needs. SSDD (same sh*t different day) but I'm going for jab #2 today so guess what? I will be out of commission for a few days, I'm sure, so NM will just have to WAIT for her blessed toiletries and snacks. Hey, maybe one of the other wonnnnnnnnnderful resident's children can pick the crap up FOR her? Ha!
Oh, got The Call yet again from the MC last night: NM fell out of the bed AGAIN while 'looking for her phone book under the bed.' Whhhhaaaaaaat? This makes fall #72 with no injury. And the band played on.
Sometimes, the smallest thing can have a significant impact. That happened to me this morning & I wanted to share with you guys.
NM never came over on Sunday for Misery Hour, and instead of lunch out yesterday she ended up coming here for dinner. Change of plans were due to her being a PIA which I'll spare the details on that, but when she got here yesterday I was mentally prepared to make the best of it.
NOT HER. When I told her about the plans for the wedding I wanted to help plan, she got irritated and pivoted to making snide remarks about my plans to go visit my brother at a later date than her & my sister. "I KNEW you would do that", in the most snide tone. I said I'm going to go later and she threw me the worst look and said "Whatever". I kept going to my stove and working on the food, I was making chicken Marsala, and doing my best to ignore her but she kept throwing digs trying to make me feel guilty about not going to see my brother when she goes. I was so triggered I could barely eat my food while she woofed down two plates, and I could not get her out of here fast enough. It's a miracle I kept my cool. DH actually congratulated me on it when she left.
This morning my brother sent a group text to me, NM, and sister that his surgery date got changed to May 25th. So I texted him privately and asked him to give me a call. He did, and I told him of my plans to come visit after my mom and sister. He was 100% cool with it, and I told him- the truth is I don't want to travel with NM because when she leaves is the only time I get a break. He told me he totally understood and agreed. We talked more about when I might come and then I told him about what my NM said the night before, and that I felt like I needed to call him to make SURE he was okay with it and didn't think I wasn't concerned, etc- He actually got really angry at my mom FOR ME, and told me don't take that shit from her, and if she said another word for me to tell her that it's what HE *prefers* and that he told me that.
The back up from him almost brought tears to my eyes. Not joking.
Anyway- that mini fog I was in- NO MORE.
Oh, one more thing my brother added- was that when I visit he has a nice guest room for me, then said - he did NOT want my mother staying at his house. "I won't be able to take care of her!" I said don't worry my sister was going to be arranging a hotel, and they would probably only stay a few days at most.
Hellbore, I think I too will check out the book you mentioned. Also, to answer your question DH is fine to stay here with my mom if I want to travel for a few days or so, and I plan to go to a couple places this summer.
Speaking of travel, another thing my NM was doing yesterday to get under my skin was saying how she had SO,SO much FUN at my sisters (with the obvious implication being that she doesn't have fun here) totally exaggerating. I felt like saying - Oh I talked to her, you were TOLERATED until you muscled your way back here, but I just kept stirring the chicken. Then DH said- "You should go visit more often- 5-6 times a year, go spend time with your grandson".... I LOLed inside. NM was like- Oh yeah, I plan on it! No she isn't.
I was journaling this morning on the same subject.
Let me share with you my reasons for doing what I do.
Over a lifetime I've encountered more than my fair share of folks with narcissist traits. ( I'm not a professional, don't pretend to be one but I know when a person has no interest in any other human but themselves.) I know that I can, if I choose, walk away from this situation. For me, walking away feels like side skirting and running off. There will always be another person with the same traits to deal with. I may not yet have all the skills I need to be able to face this head on but that doesn't mean that I can't do it or that I cannot learn. And I am, learning.
There is another aspect of my dogged persuit: I do care, and it's been proven to me that very little time would pass before my person would be in very, very deep doo-doo without a caregiver. My dad had good visiting caregivers but their time and activities were limited which left a LARGE gap in the actual care/service he and my mom needed. So, I stepped in. I've thought about stepping out at least once a week since then. I keep myself here because I have still much to learn and no matter where I go, later, I will take these skills with me.
Mine is back to posting self-absorbed items on social media. Earlier today one about how we're supposed to all have bottomless sympathy for elderly people. So far I've been able not to reply to anything, I should probably unfollow her come to think of it.
Children of the Aging Self-Absorbed: A Guide to Coping with Difficult, Narcissistic Parents and Grandparents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626252041/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_glt_i_9R19784SB355NB41NM5W
It sounds very good!
I get it about wanting to do something nice for your mom when you're not being guilty into it. 100%.
"I told her that SHE is making ME quite miserable with all of her crying and refusing to make the best of things while I'm doing MY best to help her. It was a terrible call after another call from the MC where I was woken up with bad news and feeling stressed out. She's also refusing the physical therapy I've worked hard to get reinstated for her and she told the PT no 2x already. I'm in process of filling out forms NOW! I just feel defeated as usual."
I have a great book which I've mentioned here a couple of times, called Children of the Elderly Self Absorbed. It's really been helping me realize nmom's problems are not automatically my problems, as much as she would like that to be the case I suspect. Although it's still a little weird, she's not calling me night and day and pestering me to cater to her.... I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I might actually bake something to take over there on her birthday at the end of the week, I got the gift card and small plant I know she'd like. Honestly I don't really mind doing it if I'm not being guilted and told I'm obligated, if that makes any sense.
Piper, it's too bad you can't go to your brother while your mom stays home. No chance DH would look after her I know but maybe this is a chance to introduce the idea of a companion? No worries if it'd never work, just something that crossed my mind.
Chris, I can just imagine nmom's new "friend." You describe things so vividly it's like we're there. Something tells me he'll find out the truth sooner or later!!
You are right that the NMs GASLIGHT us into feeling guilty for the things they do to us. My phone is still off from last night, too. 😁
I do think she'd be miserable or more miserable with a roommate bc I've never seen her like another woman. Never. She finds fault with them almost immediately and then dwells on it constantly, adding to the list daily, pointing out their flaws and what she hates about them. DH rolls his eyes and says she will make my life unbearable when she goes to SNF with a roommate so we are putting it off as ,long as possible. Her $$$ WILL run out though, so what will be will be.
Good luck with Unhappy Hour and lunch.
Good advice Barb.
Chris, amazing how they find new flying monkeys whenever the need arises, huh?
Shell posted that her mother passed away, if you've missed it. She found her 2 mornings ago in bed. She has mixed feelings but quite a bit of relief right now. God bless her and give her peace.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/my-mother-passed-away-today-466599.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
And Piper: “Something I've noticed about the dance with a narc is they somehow gaslight you into feeling guilty for behavior that they think NOTHING of doing themselves. “ That hits the nail right on the head! I fell for this one for decades before finally seeing the light.
My NM has found herself a new flying monkey at her supported living place, presumably to replace me as I no longer dance to her tune. I recognised the signs when I took some things over recently. He’s been roped in to deal with her neuroses and assorted little daily needs. I also noticed that the way he reacted to me when I was introduced to him by my mother was exactly how many other acquaintances of hers in the past have behaved towards me when we have met for the first time. A bit cold, a bit wary, a bit bemused. My trashed reputation always seems to precede me. I can almost hear my mother saying “ This is her. This is who I’ve been telling you about. “ It’s no wonder we suffer from social anxiety if we’ve been dealing with this kind of stuff for most of our lives. For years you think there must be something glaringly and obviously wrong with you to make such a terrible first impression on someone, until you realise your NM has briefed people against you before you’ve even met them. I’m at a loss to understand this apparent hatred.
Her lifelong pattern of heaping her misery onto you continues on. I think you should turn your phone off more. I mean if your mother isn't in the mood to pick up a phone call she thinks nothing of ignoring your calls. Something I've noticed about the dance with a narc is they somehow gaslight you into feeling guilty for behavior that they think NOTHING of doing themselves.
It's dreadful that even in MC she is still such a PIA and you are still doing so much work. Somebody's mother lived to be 106? Guarantee I would be dead first. With your mom, I wonder if she really would be miserable with a roommate? Maybe it would give her someone else to unload on? Maybe they would get along and could b**** to each other?
Mines coming over today for "happy hour". HAPPY hour, no more like misery hour but it's the game I play so it's limited and doesn't include staying for dinner too. We're also taking her out to lunch tomorrow. I'm in a little mini-fog for some reason. I think because I've felt so bitter lately. My posts here have reflected that. I'm trying to work through what I need to do. As much as I can't stand the woman I want her to have decent care and isolation is a huge problem right now. Sigh. I wish my mom had 23 residents to socialize with... but then again, she could easily be like yours and stay in her room. IDK. But at least in MC you know it's THEIR choice to not socialize. In my situation my mom can't get out on her own for socializing, and it's not her choice. She IS kind of stuck.
It would be such a HUGE relief if my mom would realize on her own how much better ALF MC could be for HER, but I don't see it happening. People that have those kinds of parents are so freaking lucky!
Like Cory. For his dad, our friend, burdening his son and DIL is not even an option at all. Could you imagine having that luxury?
Anyway, sorry I am starting to ramble, enjoy your day today with DH, and keep the phone off.
Hugs to all.
I'm glad you enjoy my twisted humor. We're all very stressed out so humor is crucial to keep our heads above water. More on that later.
Your old friend who's moving to Costa Rica. Well good for HIM! His son can always go down there and visit him whenever he wants to right? He's living life on his terms and not burdening his son in any way, how admirable imo. As far as you contacting the son, I don't know. Do what you think feels right to YOU. I doubt the dad will leave without letting him know where he's going.
I don't think you're withdrawing support from your brother by not visiting him while he's going thru surgery...who wants visitors during such a thing anyway? You'll go at a later date when you can be more helpful to him. It's sad indeed that our NMs make it necessary for us to take such measures to PROTECT ourselves, but its how it is.
NM fell out of bed AGAIN at 4am this morning and was found on the floor by staff when the bed alarm went off. No injuries, of course, 71 falls she's up to. She called me a while ago crying about how miserable she is. Talking about wanting to live with her sister Jenny who's dead, or me, and I again explained how her care needs are way too great to live anywhere but where she's at or a SNF. So she starts in about dying again, and how it will be soon hopefully, and nobody will care yada yada. I told her that SHE is making ME quite miserable with all of her crying and refusing to make the best of things while I'm doing MY best to help her. It was a terrible call after another call from the MC where I was woken up with bad news and feeling stressed out. She's also refusing the physical therapy I've worked hard to get reinstated for her and she told the PT no 2x already. I'm in process of filling out forms NOW! I just feel defeated as usual. I also think she'll be MORE miserable with a roommate in the SNF which is why I'm putting it off, but 2nd guessing myself again. When I told her we weren't allowed to visit tomorrow bc of norovirus she said GOOD twice. Seems like she's turned a corner now of making her misery known all the time and staying in her room a lot vs. socializing with the others. It's a small place with 23 residents and gorgeous gardens to sit in if she wants to. She'd just rather be miserable nowadays and let me know about it.
DH and I are going out to dinner tonight and I'm turning my phone off.
casNiagara, welcome to the club nobody wants to be a member of.
Piper, that’s a sad story about your old friend. It’s hard to know whether to get involved or not. Despite his condition it’s amazing the clarity he had when seeing your situation though.
casNiagra, it’s not unusual for people to come to this forum, and to this thread particularly, and feel that it was written about their personal experiences and their feelings. Good to hear it has helped you, as it has for so many of us.
It's NOT you, it's them. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is real, and when we have them as parents it is traumatizing. I'm 58 and STILL coming to terms with it. Just always remember it's NOT you.
Lea, I love the way you are able to interject some humor into these discussions. I LOL at some of the stuff. A METEORITE Lol. I'm glad you can't go to the MC this weekend. The little things huh? Enjoy your time with DH.
On the flip side, the fact that your mom is so old still going strong and still being a major PIA scares the crap out of me for my future. My mom is only 77. I have reached a tipping point as Chris pointed out. The reason I can't up and move isn't financial, we could easily sell our place, it's because my mom can't stay here alone. So my move has to involve her moving first, I think, but I feel if I had family support and she was forced to face that I am not going to continue like this, then she'd realize she has no choice.
I picture different scenarios in my mind bringing this up. None look easy or good, but I know it will have to happen. My brother gave us word yesterday that his surgery is scheduled for May 17. My mom is planning to go with my sister. I already told my sister I'm not going because I'm NEVER going to travel with my mom, because when she travels is the only time I get a break. She understands. How sad though, that I opt out of supporting my brother during surgery because of this messed up situation. I'm thinking after surgery at some point I will go see him myself.
So, all this talking that needs to happen, with my siblings and with my mom has to wait until my brother gets through this surgery. My burn-out takes a back seat to his cancer surgery.
Wanted to share something with you guys. Yesterday DH and I got together with a man we met here in our early FL days. We hadn't seen him in about 4 years. Very smart man. He did Marine Recon in Vietnam and then worked for the NSA. Divorced. One son who lives in Alabama. I found out on FB that he sold his house & boat and was now living close to our place, so we went over. He was thrilled when I called.
I was shocked how small his place was, and kind of a mess. His old place was never like that. As we were catching up it became obvious to me quickly that he has dementia. He only had about a suitcase worth of clothes there. The refrigerator was on the empty side. As I took it all in we all continued to chat. It was very pleasant even as I was feeling sad at what I was realizing. We told him we moved my mom close to us. He's familiar with our place so he knew what we were talking about- as in proximity.
Then he proceeds to tell us he had his lawyer draw up "everything Cory (his son) needs" and he is moving to Costa Rica. This guy has traveled the world extensively so this wasn't a delusion, but seeing his condition I asked why not Alabama? His response: "No, because I'm never putting Cory in the position you guys are in". I had no come back. I just said well I hope you aren't leaving soon, and he said not quite yet, but that was the plan.
Anyway- he's going to come over to our place for dinner soon. Part of me wondered if I should call Cory. I know him. Money is of no object here, this guy could live in a top notch ALF MC. Maybe Cory doesn't know how his dad has gotten? Or maybe I should just stay out of it?
And here is another twist. My mom met this guy about 6 years ago when she was visiting here, at his house. He invited us all over for a cook-out. After we left my mom made a comment how she liked him and thought he was good looking. She meant it. I had to inform her he likes the younger women, which was entirely true.
Story developing.....
Hey Hellebore so glad your day went well. Making ANY progress with a narc is cause for celebration and you did great. It's very fortunate that your mom has others to call. No one person can fill all the voids these elders have. Some, like mine, will outright expect it, unreal the entitlement of narcs.
You know how I have told y’all about my husband’s deceased grandmother and what a self centered, crazy person that she was.
Your ‘nostril’ story reminded me of her.
She actually told us that her hair hurt, so we said, “Do you mean your scalp?” She says, “No, I said my hair!”
So we tell her, “That’s impossible! Hair is dead and doesn’t have any feelings.” She insisted that her ‘hair’ hurt! Go figure!
Oh, but the craziest was when I took her to a fancy uptown restaurant after shopping.
I made the foolish mistake of asking her how she felt before lunch!
She had a very loud voice! This was an intimate place, very quaint, not a large noisy place. She says, “I feel awful! I have been having ‘tightness of the stool!’ Have you ever heard of such a CRAZY thing? 😂 LOL
I wanted to crawl under the table! The poor guy at the table next to us put his fork down! She ruined his appetite!
She never listened to a word that we said. One day, during the dreaded Sunday dinner at her house my brother in law said, “MaMa, the house is on fire.” She says, “That’s nice dear.” We giggled.
So, he says a little louder, “MaMa, didn’t you hear me? I said that the house is on fire.” Once again, she says, “Oh, that’s so nice dear.”
Then she started talking about some silly nonsense as usual.
Well, he didn’t give up and said very emphatically, “MAMA, I SAID THAT THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!”
By this time we were all cracking up! She says in a very angry tone, “What are all of you laughing at?”
She didn’t believe us when we told her. Oh, if only we had a tape recorder, we could have played it back for her!
Just think, Lea. I bet the crap that you would catch on tape would be priceless if you recorded your mom! 😆
I am telling you that all of us have the material to be great stand up comics, right?
I'm dancing around like Snoopy doing that happy dance he does. Got a call from the MC earlier. All visits are CANCELLED the next 7 days because there's a case of the norovirus over there! I'm certain NM won't get it though.......I told DH it's going to take a METEORITE crashing into the MC to take the woman out 😅. So now we have a whole blessed weekend to ourselves and hey, she can't blame me for not visiting.....she will, naturally, but its not my doing! Piper.....maybe you and DH can "contract" the norovirus this weekend, what do you think? 😁
Hellebore.......so your NM is showing some blood in them there veins instead of ice water...? Whaaaaaat??? Shocking when they show a bit of humanity isn't it? I vote for you going to a hotel for your bday. What good is getting the jabs if we can't relax a bit and go do things? I haven't heard of anyone getting the virus from a hotel. My DD and DH went to play bingo a few weeks ago and there were about 100 people there. I won $75! I even sat in my hairdressers chair for 2 hrs and she had Covid and didn't know it, and I didn't get it....we both were masked. DH and I have spent more time in Ers, hospitals and doctors offices this past year than EVER before, too, and never caught the virus. Plus we have been going out to dinner and to estate sales every weekend for ages now, too. Indoor dining the past month or so. We wear masks when required, and all has been well. I get jab 2 on Tues and DH a few days later.