Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
Lea-My mother tried the same tricks to leave hospital/hospice facility (mind you, she is completely bedridden, totally incontinent, can do nothing for herself; I think the only thing left working on her body is her mouth and its' abusive vocabulary. BTW- it is not dementia; she has always been verbally abusive), but still thinks we should take her home and provide ourselves for care. And I applaud you for standing up to her. I wish I could that with mine, but I don't even have the tolerance left for even one word of her vitriol.
Piper: I believe your mother sticks to you like a barnacle because she knows her other children won't be so accommodating of her behaviors. Perhaps she is afraid if she leaves you alone for even a bit, you will realize how much better your life is without her constant pressure, and seek more normal time for yourself (without her). I personally don't think telling your mother you need time away from her will work; this is exactly what she fears and she will never leave your side! Just try and get that time any way you can, and feel the heal! Those good feelings (even if brief) will help you become stronger, and help you create more distance (psychologically and physically) for yourself.
Thanks all, for sharing your experiences here.
EP: AWESOME NEWS about your brother! God is good! Say nothing to NM till she's in Texas then ask her to stay. Otherwise, she may play dirty, like you said. Don't trust her as far as you can throw her.
NM called here last night in a FOUL mood saying she's trying to get a hold of "the family" to come get her, but nobody wants her. Her siblings are all deceased. The family consists of me, my daughter 28 and my son 36 who just had a baby. I explained to her, again, that none of us are capable of caring for her in home with so many issues which I listed. She was furious and hung up. DH and I are going over on Sun for a visit and will explain things again, and also that we are not going to tolerate this foul behavior from her anymore. Enough is enough. I can move her into the SNF in June since she's so miserable in MC but that's all I can do, I'm not a magician. Ten years of this and I'm tired.
So my sister tells me my mom is backing out on going to PA now. She almost backed out of going to Texas but my sister convinced her to come. I still don't know her return date. My sister has flight privileges so she doesn't need to plan in advance (or pay).
My sister knows FULL WELL I do NOT want my NM here next week and certainly not Thursday! I left it up in the air, and now I just have to see how it plays out.
WHY does my mom have to stick to me like a barnacle?? I'm furious she won't give me this space! Visit your other kids for a change! How about a friend for a couple days?? Yesterday she was over here eating and told me she was "Going to Texas and coming RIGHT back".... I did not respond but I could feel my blood pressure going up!
I'm thinking of straight up asking my mom to stay away until DH has his surgery. She'll act all offended and ask why, but I think I'm going to start telling her I need a break from her. I've never said anything like that to her even though I have felt it countless times. Has anyone else ever said "I need a break from you! A long one!".... if so what kind of response did you get?
My sister understands why I don't want her here next week. How hard she tries to keep my mom in Texas (or PA?) remains to be seen. The thing is, my sister could do it. It's going to be about my mom and how much my sister is willing to push back. I'm thinking of waiting until my mom is in Texas and then tell her on the phone I don't want her coming back until after surgery. Otherwise she might not leave at all just out of spite.
Hellebore, you sound quite fragile at the moment, but taking the positives I would say you are quite self aware, and able to think about the kinds of boundaries that might be workable with your mother. Once a week contact is a good start, and is manageable.
Since my mother moved into supported living, I’ve spoken to her weekly on the phone, and might call round to drop a few things off, again once a week. I’m careful for this not to be the same time and day each week, or we shall soon be going down the “you didn’t call!...” route, which I am not prepared to get sucked into.
On the odd occasion she has phoned me (which is only when she wants something) I’m working really hard to count to ten before jumping in to sort out her latest imagined crisis. My first response is then to throw the ball back to her, giving her advice and solutions for her to manage the situation herself. The bottom line is that she can ask her House Manager for help, rather than me, so I can steer her that way too.
Remember, most, if not all, of this is about CONTROL.
I'm just not sure what to do about my mom. I'm not quite sure I'm ready for no contact - thanks lea, I may get there, because I don't think I can say anything at all about where I'm coming from - more depressed than I have ever been in my life in January/February, which is saying something considering my dad's illness/death, and some career setbacks. I don't think I realized how bad it was till it started to lift some. Definitely a "get thru 30 minutes at a time" period. I'm not out of the woods yet but like I said, some better. Just wish the terrifying dreams would go away (usually I'm lost somewhere or being chased by someone.)
She's just not going to hear it. Everything is about her bottomless pit of neediness at this point and she won't listen to anything about her negativity - defensiveness is the name of the game. So maybe once a week for me if that until I see that she's started to call some other people and work on her own problems without thinking she's going to try to call and dump everything on me every couple of days.
I have a right to maintain my marriage and my sanity, and put my SELF first for once. Honestly I was really getting at the danger zone when I went extremely LC, I should have called a therapist then and hocked something to pay for it but I just didn't have the energy - finding a good fit can be hard, especially if they don't understand my ADHD or the personality disorders that run in my family (my last therapist left town.)
To this day my NM bad mouths my Dad! They were divorced in 1976 and he passed away 3 years ago!
She's like a dog with a bone and no matter how many times I ask her not to go down that road, she persists!
Now I am very careful not to bring up any subject that will lead her to the subject of my Dad, but where there's a will, there's a way! Lol.
Hellebore,
Glad to see you back!!
After a huge blow out, I went NC with NM. 3 weeks of bliss!!
Then she called me and told me that I had made her "suffer " long enough!
I explained that I thought it would be better for both of us if we didn't talk everyday. That way we would have things to talk about and avoid disagreements.
She has spurts where she calls me days in a row!
I promised myself that once every 2 days was more than enough, so when she calls me, the two days starts all over again
It seems to be sinking in with her!
Like eating an elephant! One bite at a time!!
(((Hugs)))
Such great news for both of you! Especially about your Dad having no pain!
Sooo interesting about your Mom’s behavior with others, vs behavior with you. Sometimes I can’t even believe what my mother stores up for me, vs the staff at her place. What. The. Heck??
Sleep well, everyone!
EP: When your NM made that comment about missing your dad? Mine NEVER mentions my father at ALL, and if she does, it's to speak ill of him or to remind me of what he didn't give her! Married 68 years and the only memory she has of him is what he didn't give her or do for her! No photo of him in her room even. She made me take away the folded American flag that was presented at his military funeral too! THAT is how mean spirited she is. Your NM has to 'one up' you on how bad SHE has it vs. you, huh? I so get it. They're all the same, aren't they?
I LOVE that your NM is being whisked away on Friday with no return date in mind! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Excellent freaking news. I hope she stays away for a few months! I'm sorry she's worried about her son, but that's a mother's job..........she can't be spared that worry and it's good she's going out there for a visit. Maybe it will take her out of her OWN head space for a while and give her a new thing to focus on. I don't know.........sometimes bad news changes a person's perspective on LIFE in general. I so pray that HE gets some good news here and that God grants him that favor. Same goes for your DH on April 8th. How are YOU holding up? Managing to get some R&R in for yourself in the midst of all this worry?
Hellebore, the only thing better than low contact is no contact. Stick with it, all that negativity is soul crushing! My NM is quite the same way; filled with negativity and 'the sky is falling' predictions left & right! Meanwhile, NOTHING bad has EVER happened to her in her entire 94 years of life!!! No rape, robbery, hold up, cancer, loss of job, loss of home, bankruptcy, car accident, NOTHING. Yet she predicts gloom & doom 24/7! I hate that!
So NM called last night while I was walking the dog.........out of the blue at around 9 pm. Ranting & raving about gibberish, making no sense, talking about 'waiting for the people upstairs' and not knowing when they were coming, but wanting to go to bed. I told her to go right to bed, that it was late and she was mistaken that people were coming over to see her. Then she started yelling that she 'wants to pack her bags & run FAR FAR AWAY' which is something I've heard for decades now; something she loves to say. I told her goodnight, sleep tight, and goodbye. She made no mention of not speaking to me/hearing from me in days, etc. I made no mention of anything either. Her PA called today about physical therapy for her constant falls. I asked her how mom was doing? She said FINE, joking around and in good spirits. I told HER that every single time I or my DD interacts with her that she is OFF THE CHARTS demented and in another world. She seemed surprised. So IDK if she's showtiming it up with the PA, or with me, or wtf is going on, and I don't really care. I just need to keep my contact with her STRICTLY limited and the interactions as short as humanly possible. Trying to figure these NMs out is literally IMPOSSIBLE, so why try?
AWESOME NEWS!!!!
God bless you both!!
Mine seems very jealous of my relationship with DH. Of course there's no way to tell Nmom, who was twice divorced, that I've been able to maintain a happy relationship for 20+ years because I don't have a crippling personality disorder that makes me put myself first.
Sometimes I wonder if I *do* have a personality disorder and just don't realize since my brother and mother both have them. Hopefully therapist I plan to hire SOON can provide input.
Honestly I can't believe how much better I feel since I don't have to listen to negativity all day long now - I hadn't realized how bad it had gotten. According to mother if I plan to drive somewhere, I'll surely have an accident and be injured. If I have a medical appointment it's cancer for sure. I can't go anywhere right now because covid, but used to be if I had anything fun planned according to mother I'd be attacked and robbed on the way back to the car. If I buy a little something fun for myself I'm a profligate spender who'll starve in retirement (a little projection on that last one I'm sure.) Oh, and I'm a bit overweight so I'm going to die of diabetes any minute.
Honestly it is exhausting. I just cannot with someone who's putting fear and negativity in the drivers seat at all times. I don't know how this low contact thing will play out but whatever happens Nmom is getting lots less detail about my life going forward.
Piper, so sorry you're dealing with two potential cancer diagnoses. You should absolutely put your DH first. Sounds like it's more than time for your sister to step up.
Also my inlaws are like what Daughterof1930 describes. It's a narcissistic family dynamic with my DH as the invisible child. It used to upset me but now it's just like, this is the way it's going to be.... they're the ones missing out on awesome DH and myself because they only care about their golden child and her kids. (We don't have kids, by choice which makes us nonentities in their eyes, I guess... but if we did have kids there's no doubt in my mind they'd be ignored in favor of golden's.) Whatever, it literally isn't even worth thinking about, but I do wish I had some sane people around since my FOO is so screwed up. I'm having "moving away" fantasies again, which is probably a nonstarter b/c of DH's job. Guess I better find some ways to stay occupied until he can retire and we can get out of here.
Sending you a huge hug!
Yay!!! So glad that it went well for your husband.
His doctor sounds very thorough and is taking all precautions.
I am also glad that he is comfortable and resting. You deserve to be lounging in bed to get some rest too.
Thanks a million for all the well wishes and messages today, it's helped a LOT. I am laying in bed with my dog and feel very relieved and grateful right now.
That's one big reason I took a big step back: She can damn well call him, she's been forcing me to deal with his BPD psychological abuse all my life until I turned about 30, nearly 20 years ago and said NO MORE. I haven't talked to him since. Yes I do need therapy, please and thank you. :)
I'm not going to say much else because I see I missed a lot. So so sorry for folks who are dealing with really serious health diagnoses of loved ones. Love what Lealonnie said, sometimes you have to make it a half hour at a time.
Have had a little bit of contact with my own mother who I mostly haven't seen since the end of January. She texts, emails, calls every day even though I don't return many. Now she's decided she has a new historic preservation project which coincidentally involves a person she knows I'm doing one with. I swear she is just exhausting. I'd tell her to back off and give me some space if I knew she wouldn't turn it around to how 'selfish' I am. Fortunately DH starts a new job soon and we'll have health insurance to cover therapy, whoopeeee!
Back soon to see how various health problems are going. Thankful for you all. H