Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

Chriscat, I'm with YOU. These articles help ME as well. What I discovered this week is 'cognitive dissonance' which explains how I feel so torn between what my mother SAYS and what she DOES. The two don't jive. She says "I love you" and acts like she hates me. My whole life has been like this; I'm sure others here can relate. It's the disconnect between what's said and what's done; the keeping us off kilter. Making us think WE are crazy & questioning ourselves. Well she SAYS she loves me, maybe she DOES and I'm in the wrong!!!! Similar to Gaslighting but on a different level.

Know what I mean?

"By definition, cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort a person feels when he or she holds conflicting beliefs about something simultaneously. When we’re involved with a narcissist, cognitive dissonance is a psychological state that keeps us clinging to a narcissist even when we know he/she is completely incapable of ever loving us.  In other words, we are torn between believing what we want to believe about someone and accepting what we know to be the truth (as horrible as that might be). Moments of cognitive dissonance can – and do – occur with everyone numerous times in a lifetime and every so often will actually result in our making important decisions that ultimately work in our best interest. Cognitive dissonance is not always a bad thing because it does, every so often, help us to weigh both sides of a situation so that we make the best choice based on the truth and on the facts."

Anyway, here is another useful article I found helpful:

https://narcissistfamilyfiles.com/2017/08/18/brain-influence-narcissist-parents/

We so often read about suffering from anxiety and panic attacks as adults, nightmares, addictions etc............I suffer from a slew of these things myself! And mostly, from Compassion Fatigue which lumps so many of these symptoms into that category (in my opinion). It's like I have NO strength or ability left in me to deal with my mother's chronic, endless BS anymore. I feel DONE. Here I am, at 63, wanting peace & serenity in my life for ONCE, yet still having to deal with the mind games being played by my NM.

One day at a time, right Ladies?

NHWM, so your mom is on hospice now? Sending prayers for all concerned.

I know for myself, I could NEVER care for my mother in home. Never in a million years. I have no idea how you did it for so long.

My DH said to me the other day that if he gets Alzheimer's, he will NOT have me caring for him and that he will 'do what he needs to do' if that's the case. I feel the way he does, if I were to develop AD myself.

Nobody wants to lose independence or have others care for them, I don't think. I remember when I had cervical spine fusion surgery (neck) back in 2008; I could not shower alone. DD put on a bathing suit and came into the shower with me to help!! LOL. Momma didn't love that, let me tell you, but I accepted her help graciously, especially since I knew it was going to be short lived!!!!

Lea,

I mean in a general sense. She hates not being able to care for herself.

She was used to doing for herself before the Parkinson’s disease progressed to a higher level.

I suspect that she is like many other elderly people and has a fear of the unknown.

It’s an adjustment to move into a facility, especially with Covid cases in facilities.

Initially she was uncomfortable asking for help, even with me.

I would cringe if I saw her trying to reach for something because she started to fall on occasion due to mobility issues.

She said over and over, “I don’t want to have to bother you.”

She knew towards the end that I was becoming overwhelmed. She would say to me that it was too much for me to handle on my own. She did feel badly about it.

I know that I would hate to lose all of my independence. I fear growing old after watching my mom suffer terribly.

Some people are willing to receive help more graciously than others.

I told mom that me getting something from the closet for her was easier than an ER trip!

Is it pride? Is it embarrassing for them to have to ask for help? Who knows?

Gradually she started to lean on me for help but she was never truly comfortable doing so. She’s a perfectionist and likes things done her way.

I compromised when it was possible but I did things my way too.

Clashes are bound to occur. Too much togetherness causes friction too.

Her pain and frustration caused her to become irritable and impatient at times.

Her disease made it impossible to cope on her own.

I believe some who go through caregiving for a long time develops a codependent relationship on each other.

It becomes a vicious cycle and cycles aren’t broken overnight.

I doubt that anyone knows beforehand how tough caregiving can become. I certainly didn’t.

I don’t want my children or my husband caring for me if I need extensive care.

I know that Covid is in our facilities and it’s frightening to think about.

So many seniors have died painful deaths alone.

I doubt if my brother will place her. He has hospice helping. I am glad for that.

Lealonnie, I've just read that link you put in on your recent post on this thread. Thank you so much for that. I feel I am reading so much of my own experiences in it. I find it so helpful to read these articles about narcissistic parents. There are so many, all written by different people, but all offering the same insights and possible solutions/coping strategies. For me, they have the cumulative effect of validating my own experiences, and also explaining the various traits I have in adulthood. Perhaps most importantly of all, the advice given acts like a mantra I can keep repeating to myself when things get tough. These days, after much reading and soul searching, I can look at my mother and think "I know what you are, I know what you've done in my life, and I now know how to deal with you." Reading these articles can be a painful process as you start to realise what has happened to you, but I hope others in a similar situation find them as helpful as I have.

NHWM, I can feel your anxiety about your husband's illness, and the "what if" scenario you are worrying about, and I really sympathise with you. Can you try to focus on some small but positive milestones for the two of you over the coming weeks? In my experience, trying to break things up into manageable chunks can help a little. Life is so much more difficult right now, so a bit of self care is more important than ever. Sending best wishes for you and your husband during his treatment.

Shell, sending you a big hug today. Grief is part of the healing process; so is recognition of what's happened to you. Here is an excerpt from the link I just shared: (https://bandbacktogether.com/master-resource-links-2/mental-illness-resources/adult-children-of-narcissistic-parents/)

"One of the problems with being a child of a narcissist is that it takes years for the children to figure out that their parent isn’t quite right in the head. By this time, these children are simply doing everything they can to please the impossible-to-please parent. It takes years to understand that the parenting they got was both wrong and abusive."

Sometimes it takes DECADES to figure out the parent isn't quite right in the head. And, since we were trained & coached to believe our mothers were and are PERFECT in every way, shape & form, then having those thoughts is WRONG and we're TRAITORS. So we tend to squash them down when they DO rise up. Right?

It's not YOU it's HER.

It's okay to feel cheated; to feel angry; to feel robbed. You have that right. You've been duped into thinking it's YOU who's the bad guy when all along, it's been HER.

As far as your dad...........here's what I think on that subject: our mothers and NMs in general are VERY very secretive; they harbor A LOT of secrets. Our fathers didn't realize what all was going on; they were victims as well as us. Our NMs had THEM duped and cowed along with US. They weren't sure how to handle their wives or the scope of what was happening to US. I really do believe that. If my father knew WHAT all was going on in the house while he was working 16 hr days, he'd have put a stop to it.

I read something else the other day that blew my mind. BLEW. MY. MIND.

It said, Narcissistic mothers train US to feel THEIR emotions so they can remain detached.

Read that again.

WE are forced to feel all of their emotions so they don't have to. We're the ones put thru the rollercoaster of THEIR emotions along with OUR OWN emotions so we wind up being basket cases, wondering why? Gee, what's wrong with ME?
Uhm, nothing.............we were TRAINED to BE basket cases so our mothers could go along their merry way with a lighter load to carry.

NHWM: I have a question: If your mother 'truly hates being a burden' as you say, why hasn't she insisted on placement in Assisted Living years ago? Why does she persist on BEING a burden to her children if she truly hates it so much?

DH & myself have 7 children between us; long ago we both decided we will NEVER move in with ANY of our children simply because we will NOT be a burden to them.

I found another article which I think is quite helpful on the subject of growing up and dealing (now) with Narcissistic people:

https://bandbacktogether.com/master-resource-links-2/mental-illness-resources/adult-children-of-narcissistic-parents/

Shell,

Just like you, I feel as if so many years were wasted.

My mom was constantly stirring the pot with my brothers too.

There was a lot of confusion in my childhood.

We made the choice to care for our moms because we believed in our hearts it was the right thing to do at the time.

Not to mention that we were conditioned to be nurturing as the daughters.

Looking back we see how our caregiving lingered much longer than it should have due to conflicting emotions and difficult circumstances.

In spite of issues with my mom I truly loved my mother when I was young and as an adult. I still do.

I understand that we all have individual relationships with our families. You have a right to feel however you like.

We think we know the people in our family. Often in past generations there were mysteries.

Once my mother told me, “Well, I did as I was told without questioning?”

It was then that I wondered what unfulfilled dreams she might have had.

I got the impression that she longed for things in her life that were left unspoken. Her tone indicated sadness. I didn’t want to pry and unbury a painful memory.

She suffers horribly as it is with Parkinson’s disease and I didn’t want to add to her pain.

I hate some of the things she’s done. On occasion she did apologize to me.

I do have wonderful memories with my family amongst the chaos. I am grateful for those. Sometimes I wonder where did it all go wrong.

Mom truly hates being a burden. It isn’t an act to gain attention with her. Who wouldn’t hate being dependent on others? She was very active in her younger days.

I went through a period of sadness and anger when my husband was diagnosed with cancer.

I even went through self hatred for feeling like I cheated him out of 20 years of our marriage due to caregiving, 15 in our home.

I am married to the love of my life. Is he a saint? No, he is an ordinary man who is very special to me.

Sometimes I wish that he would’ve threatened to divorce me to shock me into being his wife and mother to our children without the responsibility of caregiving.

My husband knew how fragile I became after being a caregiver.

I think that he felt any additional pressure would have pushed me over the edge.

Instead he held me close and told me how much he missed being alone with me.

I felt trapped in the middle of my husband and my mom.

I pray every single day that he will be totally cured from his cancer.

I can’t bear the thought of being without him.

He occasionally told me that he hated seeing me stressed. He was stressed too.

All relationships take a hit even if they are loving.

I hope that you will find peace and joy in the upcoming year.

Don’t lose hope. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

Shell, I do totally understand how you feel, and why these thoughts are overwhelming you. I know from my own experience that they just keep replaying over and over again, deafening you and drowning out all rational thoughts. I've felt this way over the last week, with a perfect storm of mother, christmas, mutant covid, midwinter, bad weather, storm damage, sick cat and another lockdown almost certainly looming. Things got so bad I didn't want to get up some mornings for fear of what was going to hit me next. For my own sanity I wrote down these worries as general headings, then worked through each one, looking at what I could influence and what I would just have to accept at the moment. I have felt a little better doing this, as it's got these thoughts out of my head, given me a few ideas to fix some things, and helped me to put other things into context. I would say though that I've not really looked back with regret at the "wasted years" looking after my mother. I seem to at least have enough sense to know that this will only make things worse. Instead, I tell myself I've been a decent person, not a fool, and that the experiences I've had, bad as well as good, will have helped me develop into a better person, even if that's just about not behaving in the way my mother has behaved. I can be at peace with that, and look forward to the postives yet to come, instead of backwards at the negatives. I'm telling you this in case you can find something in what I've done which might help you. Promise me you'll do something nice for yourself today...

Shell, vent away my friend, it's good to get it out.

Did something happen that triggered the anxiety this morning, or just feeling overwhelmed in general?

Either way, please take some time for yourself today, as early as possible. Even if you have to get in your car and drive some place, get away from your mother and find a place where you can calm yourself.

Then you make a plan to get your life back.

Sometimes it helps just to visualize getting your life back! It's important to remember that this situation is fluid and will not last forever (even though it feels that way at times).

I woke up this morning and I couldn't breath. All these thoughts running through my head. The main thought was how much of my youth was wasted! Had I known that my mother hated me in my 20's, 30's and so on, I would have made different choices. I think about how I fought for her! How I was always there for her! How I cleaned up so many of her messes! How I used up so much of my time and energy on her. Just to figure out that she was the one always stealing from me. She was the one that turned my brother against me. She was the one talking crap behind my back. Telling me to my face that she loved me and then turn right around, and tell me how my dad was disappointed in me (not true). She was the main cause of my childhood pain!! And yet, SHE is the VICTIM!!! Yes, I know this is how NPD are!!! But how is it fair...it's not!!

Today, I want to scream!!! Why couldn't I have figure this out sooner? How did my dad not see it? Why didn't I tell my dad that my brother calls me names and mother does nothing about it?

I feel so cheated!!!

If I see my mother is a 1000 yrs it would be to soon!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN...EVER!!!!

Thank you for letting me vent and for reading it!!!😠

Piper, she goes to the supported living "try out" in about 10 days. As Covid is again out of control in the UK this timing might slip back if there's another full lockdown. I can live with this, as it would be due to circumstances beyond our control, not due to changing our minds. Another useful exercise can be to think back to what your mother was doing with her life when she was your age, and then to contrast this with what you are doing at this same age. In my case my mother had taken early retirement as her 2nd husband was 10 years older. They then took around 6 holidays per year, mostly cruises. At the same time, my grandfather was put into residential care as soon as my grandmother died. Compare that with mine, as it was pre Covid: dealing with sulking, rage and general "spoiling" behaviour even if I just met up with a friend, or went out with my husband. We took one, sometimes two, modest 1 week holidays a year. My mother would go and stay with a friend rather than look after herself, leaving an hour before we did and returning an hour after we did, ready for full house services to resume. You could try pointing out the differences between each of your lives at the same life stage. I did, knowing (correctly as it turned out) that it would be met with general rage, but it did allow me to make the point. It has also paved the way for me to insist I have the same freedoms she had. I don't want 6 cruises a year, but I would like to be able to leave the house occasionally without anger and recriminations.

Oh no doubt she will be against it. I brought it up once pre-covid and she flat out told me she doesn't want to meet any new friends and that she is fine with just me, my DH and our dogs. In reality there is nothing fine about this.

Another talk will be coming, I'm just waiting on the vaccine.

Interesting that your mom wanted to pay you to stay at your place. Whew, thankfully that didn't happen! When is her move out date again?

Piper, you've set yourself a goal with that hired help idea, and that's good. If your mother is initially against it, I would reduce your contact with her in the house, reduce the help you give, and make a list of all the help you are no longer prepared/able to give. When your mother complains, show her the list and explain the solution - hired help. If your mother really is like mine, when she realises you are serious she may well see that hired help is better than no help. My mother is still trying to bully and abuse me into doing things for her, but at the same time I know she is also busy thinking of how to rope in various people at the new supported living place. The diference is that they are paid to do this, it is their job. I'm neither paid for it nor do I want to be. As an aside, my mother offered me money if she could stay in our house, missing the big point that not everything in life is transactional, and especially so in a loving family.

Hey Jodi, I hope your visit goes okay, try to stay busy and if you need to vent we are here for you!

Chris your analogy about the missing puzzle piece is so spot on.

When I gave you that hypothetical question- in a way I was asking myself the same question, because our mother's are so similar. I'm constantly fighting internally to not get triggered by her, and grey rock/professional tone are all I really have right now. I'm glad it's working somewhat for you, and I can agree with you that anything beats them flying into a rage.

I can't wait for the covid vaccine. My next "boundary" project with my mom is going to be trying to get her to accept a hired companion a couple days a week. I am SICK TO DEATH of her having NO life here outside of me and DH. I know she will resist this idea immensely, and I'm not sure what to do about it, or even how to approach her about it, but these daily visits are way more than I want.

Questforlove, good to hear you recognise your own experiences in many of ours - it does help to validate what you are going through. It sounds like you’ve developed a number of good coping strategies for dealing with the abuse. You are going Grey Rock with your mother when she starts up, and that is great. It allows you to create a barrier against the behaviour and avoids a big scene, which is what the narcissist wants. You said your son’s doctor was great, which shows that other people do listen to you and help with your concerns and problems, and that you have a right to your own feelings, needs and wants. You are not unattractive or a disappointment - but your mother’s behaviour is both of these things. I agree that trying to rise above it all through good humour can help. When I am at breaking point with the latest round of abuse, I might take myself to an empty room, look out of the window and just smile rather than cry. It’s actually quite hard to cry if you are smiling.

Xrayjodib, so sad that your daughter doesn’t want to see her nana and that you are stressed about the visit. Stay positive: your daughter understands and sympathises with your difficulties, and the visit is for 48 hours only, some of which you will spend sleeping and so not in direct contact. Try and have a plan of what you want to do each day, and have an escape route if it all gets too much: a coffee in a room on your own, away from it all, tearing into those Christmas chocolates without someone telling you you’re fat enough already, a glutton, a bad mother/daughter, hard to love, etc etc. Post on the forum and we will get you through it!!

I feel relieved to hear my thoughts and my life. This sounds just like me. I love her! I honor her despite the fact that she had reverted back to those ugly ways. Cursed out, called unattractive, or her making sure that I know I'm a disappointment. It might sound crazy but I've learned to laugh instead of cry. In the moment it isn't funny but after I go to my room I think about it and finds humor in how she said it, her facial expression, and sometimes what she says is just funny how she words it. It's never easy but its more peaceful when I don't get offended or just dismiss it. Some people in the beginning told me to just let her act out and say nothing because she didn't know better. Well they didn't have a narcassistic controlling verbally abusive mother who at CV threatened physical harm. I thought back to when my son was very young and his schools demanded me to medicate him for his OCD (he has high functioning autism). His doctor was great she said the diagnosis and the behavior are two separate things to address. If that person can choose who and when they display that's a behavior that you must deal. with. Eventhough the diagnosis can and does often affect the thinking. Well mom only singles out me. That's how she was before her illness. So when she belittles me I choose to stand in my new boldness and I don't respond to her. I don't make eye contact and look straight past her. I continue what I'm doing as if she were not there. Most of the time it works because she wants to get a hurt victimized response from me. She wants to know I'm hurting. Sometimes I say did you know that you called me out of my name and a few times she knows. She will apologize and calm down. Other times it doesn't work and I must find humor& lots is prayer .

xray - I hope it's your mother's tongue that will be stifled. Maybe you can try some earplugs so you don't have to hear her. Or try to imagine yourself as a duck and your mother's words as water falling down and bouncing off your back.

I hope you will enjoy your time with your daughter and grandkids.

I've been catching up on all your posts.

I think it's validation for so many of us!! You're all AMAZING!!

Tomorrow is the day I have been dreading for weeks!!

I am bringing Mom from ALF to stay for 2 days so she can see my daughter and her 2 daughters.
Although my daughter is not happy about seeing her Nana while she's here visiting, she understands.

Praying that God will put a lock on my tongue and a hedge of protection around my heart!

Well said Chriscat about "not having the love of a mom is like not having all the pieces of the puzzle" it is so true!! And your right...it is better to just put that puzzle away!

Good for you, Chris. Keep up the boundaries!

I totally agree on adopting the tone that professional caregivers use.

You are no longer a 12 year old arguing with mommy. You are the adult in the room.

That's interesting Barb. I think my mother is full of astonishment that her kind of behaviour isn't working any more, as I start to set boundaries and thus break the habits of a lifetime. I've always been the villain and scapegoat even when trying to appease, so I've finally realised that I should push back and claim my own space - she can't think any less of me than she already does.

When my grandmother would dissolve into those self-pitying tears of "so sorry I'm such a burden, I'm a poor old woman" my mother would turn her back and walk away.

I learned early on how not to get manipulated. Fortunately, my mother never resorted to that sort of behavior.

I would also add that a life without love from your mother is like a permanently missing piece of jigsaw puzzle. You can spend (and waste) a lot of time searching for it but it will never be found. Life is lacking a dimension, just like the puzzle never being finished. The best you can hope for is to set aside that puzzle and start on new ones (ie more fulfilling relationships with others) where you know you have all the pieces to make something complete.

Piper, interesting that you should ask that. Had I said what you've suggested, the reply would have been along the lines of " well I'm sorry I'm such a burden to you", self pityingly, and could have been the start of another argument. As it was, I explained firmly that no, I wasn't doing that today, and that we would do it when next at the shops on Wednesday. I've been trying to adopt the tone taken by professional caregivers, as they have clearly been trained in this way, so it must be a suitable way to respond, and also it avoids any decent into rage and argument. But yes, some appreciation of one's efforts would be nice....

Chris, I feel for you. I'm glad she is almost out of your home! Let me ask you something, when your mom barked out her request for meds she doesn't need what would have happened if you said- "What do you mean OR WHAT? I'm relaxing today, did you not notice all the work *I* did over Christmas??"

Would do you think her comeback would have been?

So Christmas is just about over, and after a 3 day ceasefire while she silently took all the festive foods and drinks on offer, Mother is back to her abusive self, marching into the kitchen this morning, before we'd had breakfast or even a drink. "Are you taking my prescription in to the chemists today then, or what?" "What?". It is Christmas weekend, Sunday, a bank holiday tomorrow and she already has 2 months' supply of her meds. And no one will process the prescription until Tuseday anyway, when the shops all open again. Not to mention the fact that I would actually like to get up and satisfy my own basic needs before being hit with demands and manipulation. Sorry to vent, but this kind of behaviour just ruins the day before it's even started. A small thank you for my efforts over Christmas would be nice...

Helpseeker and Nyc,

You're truly not alone!!!

There are many of us here caring for narcissistic parents!!

I recommend the book "Will I Ever be Good Enough ", by Karyl McBride! You can find it on Amazon.

Since I have discovered the truth about why my mother is the way she is, and how it's affected who I am, it's kinda led me down a rabbit hole! It's very painful at times, but it's the path to healing!

I want to believe that we can still care for someone who treats us badly. I have been doing tons of research!! Reading, YouTube and therapy.

Learn all you can! Set boundaries and work hard (and it is hard) to stick to it!!

We're all here for you!

Merry Christmas!!