Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
Hellebore, happy belated birthday. I hope the weather didn’t spoil things, although it sounds like the real spoilers are your NM and aunt. When you wrote about your NM: “I can’t get her to leave me alone”, you took the words right out of my mouth. This has been my mantra since my teenage years ( so for over 40 years now). All I ever wanted was a quiet life but with an NM, a sneering, mocking stepfather, and a controlling and verbally abusive stepmother it was never going to happen. Now the NM is out of my house, the stepfather dead and having gone no contact with the stepmother, I am finally starting to get some of that simple peace I’ve been longing for all my life. If I were you I wouldn’t comment on those hurtful Facebook photos. Don’t give your NM the satisfaction. I like the idea of your vacation cabin in the woods. That sounds like your “ safe space” where you can get that peace you are craving. Enjoy!
NeedHelp, I think you are making progress. Small steps are all you need at this stage.
Today is a UK holiday day. We have heavy rain and gales forecast, pretty typical for holidays at this time of year. It’s going to be a Netflix day I think, but I’m also going to have some creative time, sketching and painting with my new art materials. I was never able to express myself in this way in the past, with the various destructive people in my life who considered this to be self indulgent behaviour, rubbishing it by mocking my feelings so much that I never even got to the stage of putting paint to paper. It’s very liberating to be free to be me now, and I hope that others can find this freedom whatever their current circumstances.
I am giggling because my husband’s grandmother was the same. She took the rolls too! She brought a HUGE purse with her to dump things in. She also was dripping in diamonds and furs. Her home was adorned in crystal chandeliers, silver and gold.
She kept EVERYTHING! Ridiculous stuff! It has to be associated with mental illness.
The funny thing is 'NO ONE' knew that my NM had sticking fingers. As I was cleaning out her room (not that I'm done) I found two of my coasters that I used at a house I was living in from the 90's. My NM stole two of my drink coasters and I never knew it!
She has paper where she did math on from 10 yrs ago. Who keeps a piece of paper that they calculate to see how much money they have left after paying their bills from 10 yrs?! It's maddening!
I knew my NM stole rolls from restaurants, but this is crazy! My dad made a good living. She didn't go without anything! So, think about this...here is a woman that is wearing a 2ct one of a kind diamond ring stealing rolls! I hope you are giggling because I am!
She had Birthday cards to myself & my brother that she never gave us! LOL!
My NM is not a packrat, she was a hoarder and I am stuck cleaning it up! She filled every space in this house! I already had one dumpster here two summers ago & I have one coming this Wednesday & I'll need another one after that! But I guess, I can't complain to much because in a few yrs I can sell the house and move away!
My dad was a small packrat, but it was in his office and his workshop and nothing more!
But people do keep the silliest things! I am just so tired of cleaning up after her. I have been doing it since I was 9 yrs old! At least, this time will be the last! Thank God for small favors!😲
My NM'S family (the one's who have money) are cheap and the others have no money! I haven't seen most of them in decades and now they want to be a family...now they care about their sister!
Your right! Sometimes it is just to much to deal with their emotional junk!! And I hate to say it, but your NM will take that letter and turn it around on you, but you know this! I'm sorry that your family have that ONENESS THINKING!! Ugh for you! And as far as them acting like children well, I always say, "if you acted like a child then I'll treat you like a child!" No wonder you stay away...it is for the best! You have to protect & take care of you!
I agree, one day at the time to get us through. I do know that our moms are finally at peace with no more suffering. I am very grateful for hospice caring for her towards the end.
I think people get into the trap of keeping items because they think that they will need it one day. It’s silly though. If something has been stashed away forever, you don’t need it.
My grandma and mom did not hoard things, nor did grandpa or daddy.
Some people do become packrats. My husband’s grandmother was somewhat of a hoarder. She had sticky fingers like your mom. It was so embarrassing to take her out. She stole the sugar packets, crackers, basically any condiments on the restaurant table.
My parents had bridges...all I can say is I am so sorry that you are in pain. Sending you lots of hugs!!!
I don't like the dentist, but I go!😬 Just think how much better you will feel!!
Just did a quick Google and this really describes it... narcissism is a family syndrome also of course: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202003/the-12-dysfunctional-rules-the-narcissistic-family
Probably the best thing to do, as always, is try to stay away. Luckily the bad weather will probably cancel the birthday luncheon on Tuesday so hopefully it'll all be no drama.
Hopefully you have something special planned for Mothers Day NWHM. Maybe it'll be nice weather and you can go for a walk in the park or something.
After reading your post...and people wonder why I say, "Sometimes family will screw you over faster than a stranger." I know you're hurt and why wouldn't you be?! You've helped them and thought you all was close...close enough to at least tell you that they were moving. I'm sorry that you can't get a little bit of compassion & understanding! You vent all you need to. My NM side of the family is mad at me because I told them the truth about their sister and more so because I refuse to have a funeral or a memorial service. They know I don't have the money and besides I really don't want to hear about how wonderful she was & their sad stories about how they grew up! I have enough problems without hearing theirs!! By the way, knowing that its a mental illness doesn't make it any easier!! Hugs!!!💙
NHWM,
I pray that you get closer and peace after your mom's funeral service. I'm not sure what is worst being on an emotional roller coaster or feeling guilty because you feel nothing but relief!! Maybe they both are bad just in different ways! You'll get through this...one day at a time...if that is to much then one hour at a time...You do what you need too. But you know that your mom would not want you to continue to be on a emotional roller coaster! She really is in a better place and you know this!
My NM was a hoarder. She kept EVERYTHING! Every little piece of paper from 30 to 40 yrs ago! Magazines that were from the 80's & 90's. Really how many note pads does one person need...I guess, 10 is the answer & most of them she stolen from Drs offices & pt rehabs. Here I thought she was only stealing from me...she stole things where ever she went! Heavy sigh!!
I hope you feel better! Hugs!!💜
I have a mixture of emotions. At times, it still doesn’t seem real. I know that it will seem real when we have our graveside service for mom. Also, I have a feeling Mother’s Day will be difficult for me. Father’s Day was really hard for me the first year after my dad died.
Your situation has been stressful. Vent anytime you need to. It’s healthy to process our emotions. Suppression causes anxiety and depression. I felt like I would explode when I kept things bottled up.
jodi I wish we could post pics in here. Would love to see your band photos! I used red and black for a party I did a few years ago, luckily I hit right between 4th of July and Halloween so there were lots of decoration options in those colors in stores. I got most of it at the Dollar Tree, they have more-cute options than you'd think sometimes.
This afternoon nmom sent me a couple of photos, without even any warning subject line, of my formerly favorite cousin & baby who broke my heart into a million pieces when he acted completely indifferent to moving 2000 miles away earlier this year - no email, no phone call, no nothing, apparently he didn't care that I found out about it on Facebook. Tho he did call nmom and suck up to her so of course she thinks everything he does is just woooonderful. I'm really bummed their kid born a year or two ago will grow up not knowing us or anything about this area which our family came to 200+ years ago. Also the cousin's mom went with them, which really stinks because WE all helped HER when her mom (another one of my aunts) was old and in assisted living but apparently she feels no need to reciprocate any of that of course.
nmom KNOWS I am hurt by this. I've mentioned it repeatedly. But by sending the pictures she's saying (again) essentially that my feelings don't matter, "we" meaning the larger family have all decided this is OK and nobody gives a rat's a** how I feel. She knows I'll take it like this because I've taken similar things like this in the past. She just doesn't care.
And she *knows* I'm having a tough week because my birthday is about to be spoiled for the second year in a row by strong thunderstorms (not just a little rain, so there's no question of being able to do anything outside.) Last year the power was out all day after we had to cancel an international trip I had really looked forward to, to celebrate my 50th bday... DH had to take our food to a relative's so it wouldn't spoil and I spent the day home alone in the dark. I don't feel comfortable eating in restaurants or going to movies, so there won't be anything to do at all other than sit home (just praying the lights don't go out again) or go over to my aunt's and it'll be all about how sick she and nmom are and how sorry they feel for themselves, not about me really at all. I doubt they'll get me a cake or much more than a card or something from Dollar Tree.
I don't think I can get out of it but after having these photos thrown in my face I think I might invent "not feeling well" that day and ask to postpone, then keep the postponed date as short as possible. DH and I can put the cats in the car and come back up to our vacation house (formerly my dad's old house which he left to us in his will, it's no mansion but it's a cabin in the woods with a wraparound porch near a big lake.)
Y'all... this is just exhausting. I know she legit has a personality disorder and in so many ways the behavior isn't personal but I can't get her to leave me alone. She wants A LOT more contact than I do in terms of phone calls visits and what have you and every time I let my guard down she does something like this. I haven't forgotten the hundreds of dollars of my property she gave away back in January (had stored it at her house like an idiot.) It *hurts* to be told over and over your feelings don't matter even though you know the other person is all screwed up inside.
No advice really needed I guess, just wanted to vent. So glad I have my community here who knows *exactly* how it is!!
Isn’t it amazing what is collected over a lifetime? I detest clutter! It usually ends up being an unorganized mess.
I bet that you are completely exhausted. You will be glad when you get finished.
Happy belated Birthday!🥳🎉🥂 🎂 🎈 🎈 🎁
Bundeofjoy,
Your property right. The stress being abused and living with uncertainty everyday is to much for a child! Even now, I have nightmares when I am overly stressed.
Piper,
Thank you! It really was a punch in the gut. Who would do that to their child? I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around all the things I know she did to me, but to find out more crap she did. Just today, I found a recipe that I use to make all the time as a kid and once again I found it with her stuff and here I thought I lost it!! Nope!!
Llama,
Thank you for your support & kind words! I am glad you were able to get into the dentist. I know when my teeth hurt I feel like crap & don't feel like doing much. Plus, you always have to think about what you can & cannot eat...Ugh!! Get feeling better my friend!💞
Xray,
You are not wrong for wanting to hit DH. I probably would have punch my SO in the arm...don't worry he has big arms & he can take a hit from me! LOL! Well, your decorations sound lovely. Their lost!!
Lea,
My parents have a great deal of pictures & art work. Some of the artist's name on them & some don't. My dad always told me to not sell the pictures & art work to just anyone for any amount because some are worth money & some aren't! Of course, he never said which was which! LOL! So I'll be holding on to them for awhile! I have had 'family members' & others asking for some of those things and I told them all "nope!" Of course, a few I will keep because I like them!!
Ok, this is all I have been doing in the last 4 days...packed 17 boxes of nik naks and still not done...did 11 loads (which included ours, my NM's clothes & pajamas & towels & blankets) of laundry, which I am still not done. My NM had 22 pairs of pajamas & still counting. I have thrown out the ones with stains & very used ones & the rest will be donated into a 'clothing drop box.' This woman had more towels then anyone could ever need, so, I am washing them and keeping the ones I want and donating the rest to my local animal shelter. (Already have 2 big garbage bags to donate.) However, I still keep finding more towels! Heavy sigh!! Took out of my NM'S room 9 bags of garbage, which are mostly papers, old magazines, and just little things that are broken and not worth anything (still have more to do). Packed 3 med size boxes of books and still counting...I really could open my own book store! Plus, my SO & I installed a hot water heater yesterday! I am exhausted! I hope my NM is looking down on me thinking "what was my HUMAN SELF thinking leaving that big mess!"
Lea,
When you said, "that my NM is finally at peace, which she never had in life." You hit the nail on the head!
I found so many self helped books, psychology, astrology, different religion, medical books all on How to love yourself, how to heal yourself from depression, how to except who you are and more. Some of these books go back to the 70's. She was looking for answers about herself & how to love herself & why she was the way she was...if that makes sense. She was even looking to the stars for answers! I also found little notes to herself stateding 'why it is important to love yourself.' "How do deal with having kids and the pressures of being a mom," How very sad!!
If you ladies never hear from me again that would mean I killed over from cleaning out this house!!! Ugh!!!
You're so right!
I have learned that I can't EVER share my frustrations with my hubby to my NM. She'll use it in the future!
And If I share the wonderful plans I made, she'll tell me what she would have done to make it better!!😝
And Chris, our band is playing at this event. I already bought a cool vintage looking dress and a vintage hat too!😎
I have to wait till Monday to talk to Kristin. DH doesn't have an employee contract list.
I don't want to cancel my order until I talk with her.
I'm sure I can send everything back if she's already gotten supplies. I can only hope that I haven't stepped on her toes!
UGH!!!
The Clinic that my DH works at is having a spring party to make up for the Christmas party cancelation due to Covid.
He told me he was in charge!
He secured a venue and a caterer.
I asked him at dinner last night if he had thought about a theme and decorations? (Let's face it ladies, guys don't think about party details!) He said he had not, but was thinking of asking his Nurse to help us set up. I told him I will take care of it. Only 2 weeks!!
I spent 2 hours purchasing my brainchild from Amazon. Red, white and black theme. I found these red balls that look like Corona virus to use in the center pieces of Mason jars with battery powered fairy lights, white table cloths with red and white gingham over the top, I could go on.
So when I told my DH that I had it covered, I got crickets! So I said, "You're welcome "!
He then proceeded to tell me that "Kristen" is in charge of decorating .WTF!!!
Never once has he mentioned anyone other than him having any part in planning the party!!!
Am I wrong to want to hit him in the head with a frying pan??
Happy Birthday!🎂
That would drive me crazy too if my DH was getting all the praise and I was doing everything to help her! Just go see her separately so you never have to deal with that from her again.
On the other hand, in my case, my mother in her later years was miserable to me when I went by myself. When I brought my DH with me my mom would be on her best behavior and not treat me like crap. She would be all pleasant when he was around.
I found this composer/pianist 1 year or so ago: Stanton Lanier. Piano does it for me...
https://youtu.be/OLUxz-m3K_4
Hellebore, break out the Beach Boys 🏄
Also welcome WhenItRains and to a few other new members. You're among friends here who know how it is - no complaint is too trivial!
Chris: "While I’m posting here I could just do with some advice about MIL’s funeral. My SIL is trying to take over and assume centre stage by wanting to read a tribute at the funeral, in addition to the one the vicar will give….At my FIL’s funeral she took over certain aspects of the day, without prior warning, and left my DH feeling marginalised."
This sounds like really classic narc behavior. Unfortunately if she’s like my nmom, there’s really nothing you can say to get her to feel any shame or even to realize what an exhibitionist she’s being. Maybe you could set something up with the church staff to keep her remarks EXTREMELY short, like a minute or two. My guess is this is very much about attention and to set herself up as the most important bereaved person - my nmom does stuff like this all the time.
Speaking of, I honestly had to laugh a minute ago while writing a remark on SM in reply to a comment nmom had posted - she was making a big deal about a party one of my cousins had for my aunts on my mother’s birthday a few years ago, without running it past me. (This is the cousin all my aunts favor because she married a super rich guy, so she can afford to fete and spoil them, both because she’s rich and because she doesn’t have to have a job like we mere mortals. Honestly I’ve done a fair amount of work on myself over this- the cousin has a bunch of mental issues as one might imagine and honestly I feel sorry for her more than she probably thinks I do. When you marry for money you earn it in myriad ways. DH and I do pretty well, we’ll never be filthy rich but we are *tight* - I know he has my back 100% of the time and vice versa. I don’t think I’d trade that kind of companionship for any money in the world.)
Anyway I was thinking about how nmom would never realize how gross it was that my cousin commandeered my mother on her birthday without mentioning it or inviting me! But that you all would get a kick out of it. Honestly narc is shot through my whole family, don’t get me started on another cousin who decided to move 2000 miles away from our hometown area without telling anyone - instead he posted on Facebook about some detail related to selling their house. No feelings matter except his and his horrid wife’s I’d imagine.
"Hellebore, happy early birthday! To celebrate I think you should buy yourself a Louis Vuitton purse and gorge on chocolate cake! Who cares if you need to second-mortgage the house for the purse? I'm sure DH will understand the necessity of owning a Louis by the time we're 70."
Thanks Lea! Actually I’ve been in the process of downsizing and trying to do something about my shopping addiction (didn’t realize what it was until I started getting ahold of it, shoes and bags have always been my downfall.) Now that I’m turning 51 this week I’m realizing I really don’t need all this stuff and there are more productive ways to entertain myself and get the dopamine hit it seems we ADHDs are always chasing. I started crocheting this year and honestly it’s been a lifesaver - something to do to keep me busy and think about, as well as talk to others over. I also do a lot of gardening and baking, we would all probably have a lot to talk about if we could have a get together. I’m also an eBay seller trying to get rid of some of the stuff!
Spouse wants to go to the antique mall sometime tomorrow or Monday since it’ll be bad weather on the day. Not sure if I can trust myself to resist buying stuff or not - guess I can always pretend I’m in a museum which sometimes works.
Soooo sorry helenB. My mom makes plays for my DH attention also. Luckily he’s usually smart enough to see it coming and step out of the way, but, soooo annoying.
Sorry also to Llama, I have bad teeth- 9 root canals!- and have been putting off a dental visit since I know it’ll be a nightmare after going a year. Thanks for the reminder to get it done.