Caring for parents who didn't care for you.

Golden,

I am glad that you didn’t change your mind and agreed with her suggestion.

It’s terribly difficult to be with family members around the clock. Too much togetherness is never a good thing.

I don’t even think husbands and wives should spend every waking moment together.

I remember when daddy first retired he kind of drove mom nuts. LOL 😆 She wasn’t used to him being under foot all day long!

Need it wasn't smart so much as the only thing I could do and survive. I could not have lived in the same house or apartment as she did. I simply couldn't. Not even the same apartment building which was one of her suggestions.

Golden,

You were so smart to care for your mom from a distance. She wasn’t neglected and you retained your sanity!

Exactly Golden,
My DH has already said this was a mistake . He should have left FIL in Florida and managed this from a distance . You were smart.

I think there is a continuum from out and out narcissism to self centred and entitled. They are all difficult to relate to. On the other hand, my father and his sister and others I have known remain kind and considerate as they aged, even into dementia.

Some adapt better to the limitations of old age and some don't. Personally I don't think that the vicissitudes of aging give anyone the right to behave badly to their children or other people. I don't accept it as an excuse.

Caring for someone who hurt you when you were s child and as an adult is very stressful as it brings up the old painful experiences and also adds new ones. That's my experience and I had to do it at a distance and keep minimal contact.

Beatty, Exactly .Age did this to him . He doesn’t think he is like the others in AL either . He says they look old He bases it on that his hair is gray not white. He has a very high opinion of himself and acts entitled .

Way, your FIL sounds self-centered 😕.

"He says his independence is taken away from him".

Well old age did that. He can choose to adapt or moan about I suppose.

@Way
I see what you mean.
I would put it this way: A sweet parent isn't absent for 40 years. A sweet parent doesn't want you to sacrifice your life.

He was probably not a very sweet parent.

@ Venting .

My mother was a diagnosed true narcissist. So I’m very familiar with those characteristics . My FIL is not like her . He’s just self centered which I get . He lost his wife and was placed in AL soon after . But it does seem to be common to be self centered in many elderly , I understand that as well , the loneliness , loss , facing mortality etc .
I can’t understand though how FIL can ask these things of us knowing he paid No attention to us . Unless he doesn’t think he was ignoring us all those years. Or he doesn’t care . He just very lonely so he thinks we have to entertain him . FIL is spoiled. He had a very nice long retirement in Florida at a resort type community and he traveled a lot . He didn’t want it to end , and feels entitled to having his lifestyle that he is used to . I’ll never get to do all the traveling he did. We travel infrequently and I’m certainly not taking him along with me. FIL did his travels with his wife and he wasn’t pushing anyone in a wheelchair or helping them off a toilet on his vacations . Neither will I unless I choose to . We don’t choose to do that for him .
I told DH , his father refuses to socialize in his AL , that’s on him . He’s been there nearly a year.

@Way
"Why do some of these elderly think we have to stop and have our lives revolve around what they want for someone who we hardly ever saw for 40 years?"

Because that's all part of the same narcissistic, toxic attitude. A sweet parent isn't absent for 40 years. A sweet parent doesn't want you to sacrifice your life.

I understand how I got sucked in. First I took care of Dad who was mostly a nice person . Then I took care of narcissist mother , who I tried to make happy my whole life and then even after I realized how wrong that was , it was too late , I felt I had to take care of Mom because I took care of Dad. I saw my parents frequently my entire life. Was it dysfunctional , yes, did my parents think so , No. Dad on some level knew things were wrong at times but if he tried to do anything about it he suffered the wrath of my mother . So nothing ever changed . Mom would brainwash him into thinking she’s the victim most of the time or he just gave up because he had to live with her .

But it boggles my mind why a parent , in this case my FIL , who paid next to No attention to his adult children and their family for most of their adult life would expect to be frequently visited , entertained , taken out to restaurants, away with us on vacation etc. As far as I’m concerned , he’s lucky DH and I even do as much as we do. He has dementia in AL . I wonder if he didn’t have dementia, would he still expect all this from us. I think yes , his dementia wasn’t as bad when this started . I think he just thinks he is owed this from his child . Why ? Why do some of these elderly think we have to stop and have our lives revolve around what they want for someone who we hardly ever saw for 40 years ? He says his independence is taken away from him . It’s not our job to give him back his lifestyle of wining and dining and frequent vacations . That’s not being independent . That’s being demanding . My friend was very helpful and told me , “You only have to give him what he needs , not what he wants”. My grandparents did not act like this. Even my parents realized their limitations were from aging and did not expect to be taken along with us every-time we would go somewhere . It’s not enjoyable . He barely walks with a walker . He does not want to use the wheelchair . He smells from either infrequent showering or not changing his incontinence briefs often enough . Which we have multiple conversations about . He refuses to use the bathroom before we leave and put on a clean brief. So we rarely take him out . DH is wishing for the day when it’s impossible for us to get him in and out of the car, so there is no way to take him out .

No definitely no one size fits all! There cannot be a 'rule'. I just feel for those that feel powerless.

Maybe some people experience healing by offering their time & care? Making new connections that are improvements on their past ones. I can see how that could be.

Everyone has their own individual circumstances. No one can speak for anyone else. People have a right to make decisions based on their personal experiences in life.

There isn’t any ‘tried and true’ formula that is one size fits all. Don’t allow anyone to judge what is correct for your individual circumstances.

Chevalier,

Great movie but you have to read the book! So good.

There seems be quite a few new posts from people reporting they feel trapped. Frustrated, desparate, powerless.

While I feel for them, it really puzzles me to why they have gotten into their position? Why they volunteered?

Some declare their history includes a parent being abusive, alcoholic, absent etc yet they but have decided to move in & provide hands-on care to them. Causing financial, emotional & health damages to themselves. Why?

Is it wanting to please to gain good feelings of giving? An attempt to re-write their childhood? Wishful thinking the parent will now change?

What drives these people to become servants?

I suppose the folk who simply stay away from their past abuser & refuse to become their caregivers are not here reading a caregiver forum!

Personally, I went looking for advice when I stepped in to help but had conflicting ideas about it. When I saw that message I was taught 'to put others before you' only works if others are fair & decent humans. Otherwise they take advantage & enslave you.

the movie "The Help" ending line says "love your enemy" starts by "telling the truth" which is healing in itself. tell your story. truth heals.

Forgiving does not mean you continue to be involved. You can forgive and walk away. Its for u, not them.

Like you Dolly I believe my husband will never be truly free until his father dies.

He does not speak to his father either anymore and like you tried to forgive but eventually realized having a relationship with his dad wasn't worth it. And his dad wasnt still physically or mentally abusing him as an adult but other issues came up with his dad and he decided he was done.

I am glad you chose yourself over your abusive mother. You deserve to be happy.

I read the article and most of the responses. Much turmoil and hurt expressed, many still trying to carve out a sane life while dealing with the abuser.

For my part it is not doable. I do not speak to my 98 yo mother, an abuser of the highest magnitude. Alcoholic, physical & verbal abuser, when I was a child, still drinking and verbal as an adult.

I did not speak to her for 9 years, then 4 now 12. I forgave over and over again then I realized that it was her or me. I chose me.

My brother is the last of the family to speak to her, I help him behind the scenes in regard to her but I will never speak to or see her again. From an emotional standpoint, she died 12 years ago.

Yes, I had therapy, the result was that it was her, not me, when I accepted the truth of the matter I moved forward, can somewhat deal with my past.

My brother is going through hell with her, he used to be the "Golden Child" however, since she doesn't have me to use as a punching bag he is now the recipient of her abuse.

All this forgive and figure out a way to deal with this type of hateful, toxic person does not work for me, I tried it many times. The years that I have gone no contact have been the happiest years of my adult life.

Another thing, honestly, I feel I will never be totally free until she "really" dies, I don't think that will ever happen, with my luck I will die before her, the ultimate slap in the face.

I do not like my mother, nor does anyone else, no friends, no family, except my brother who is trying to hold on, yet right this minute is not talking to her, she has burned every bridge.