Sometimes God uses events to shape and change us. I won't blame God for this, but I am profoundly changed by what occurred this morning. Our next door neighbor's Adult Foster Care Facility was completely devastated by fire this morning. Thank God all 8 people + 2 dogs got out alive. Thank God no one was seriously hurt. A firefighter's shoulder was hurt when a ceiling collapsed on him. The challenged elderly residents had been practicing fire drills recently, and each were brought out safely. Thank God.
I complain about my circumstances, at times, as you all know. But today, I think I will not complain at all. I thank God no one was hurt and lives were spared. I thank God my home and husband and son did not perish. I thank God I did not move my Mom into that situation. I think I'll think about this every time I look out my windows, walk or drive by. And when I want to complain about something, I think I'll just count my blessings, instead. I pray you'll count your blessings, today, as well. And while you're at it, please pray for those in need, including your own, thanking God for all the good he gives you each day.
Navajo and other traditional cultures understand that there's nothing more soulful than supporting people at the margins of life, those who can't walk fast or talk sense or remember how to use a toilet. They also know that this takes a village.
It really does.
Most eldercare providers in our village-less society end up jury-rigging systems of helpers. The common refrain I heard from people in the trenches? Take notes. Write down every bit of advice you get, from every person who interacts with your family member: doctors, pharmacists, neighbors, hairstylists. Write down these people's contact information. For good or evil, they're your village. Oprah: Do you have a hard time asking for help?
Jennifer has 45 people on her call list should her elderly parents encounter a crisis. Polly rallied support from her parents' church congregation. Not everyone in the village will help care for an elderly person, but a long list gives you multiple possibilities for support.
"No one can tell you what to expect," Anne said to me. "You have to live like a firefighter, ready to call other firefighters to solve whatever problem arises."
Psychological coping strategies
Once you've adopted this firefighting mentality about your parent's needs, you'll need a whole new set of strategies like the ones below to deal with the emotional wreckage that piles up along the way.
Surrender to the emotional grinder.
"The thing that galls me most about caring for my mother," one woman told me, "is that she's the only one who gets a morphine drip."
The emotional pain suffered by caregivers is intense -- and unlike the elderly, caregivers are expected to live through it. With every new issue your elderly relative develops, you'll head into the emotional grinder called the grief process: bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance, repeat.
Grieving, like physical caretaking, differs from case to case. If you had a troubled relationship with an aging parent, expect to spend lots of time in the anger stage. Use this time to clean your emotional closet. Explore the anger with a therapist. Journal it. Process it with friends. Clean the wounds. Oprah: 4 healthy ways to grieve
On the other hand, if your declining parent was your main source of emotional support, you'll find yourself spending lots of time in sadness. You'll feel as though it's killing you. It won't.
As Naomi Shihab Nye wrote, "Before you know kindness / as the deepest thing inside, / you must know sorrow / as the other deepest thing.... / Then it is only kindness / that makes sense anymore...."
As the grieving process scrapes along, you'll learn to offer kindness to everyone: your aging relative, the people of your village, yourself. When you snap under stress and begin to rail at Nana, God, yourself, and the cat, you'll learn to be kind to yourself anyway. At that point, you'll find relief and an unexpected gift: laughter.
Nourish a sick sense of humor.
A morbid sense of humor isn't listed in any official guides to eldercare, but to the caregivers I interviewed, it is like oxygen.
Take, for example, Meg Federico's memoir "Welcome to the Departure Lounge." Federico's wry portrayal of her mother's senescence is both sad and hilarious. Without belittling her mother or her stepfather, Walter, both of whom suffered dementia, Federico recounts conversations like this one:
"I can't seem to find my keys," Walter told Mom. "Say, do you have them?"
"Oh, don't worry about keys, dearest. We don't need them. We can jump out the window and fly home."
"What?" said Walter. "You can fly? I never knew."
"So can you, but you have to take your shoes off."
To Walter's credit, he was not convinced.
Just acknowledging that this is funny makes it tolerable. Cracking up can keep caregivers from, well, cracking up.
"Bill and I are training his dad to 'go toward the light,'" said my friend Anne, whose father-in-law no longer recognizes his family. "Any light we see -- lamps, flashlights, the TV -- we steer him over there. We figure he can use the practice."
Of course, Anne isn't serious. Not being serious is how she and Bill are surviving. If you can't train your elder to go toward the light, you can make light of the situation. And sometimes, that light becomes splendiferous.
Ponder the nature of existence.
There's nothing like caring for the elderly to help you face your own mortality. Many caregivers told me that their experience was dissolving, through simple drudgery, their fear of death.
Pulitzer Prize--winning psychologist Ernest Becker wrote that the denial of death underlies all evils, and that we must drop this denial to live fully. The caregivers I interviewed would agree.
"Fear of death was my biggest obstacle in life," said Polly. "To help my dad, I have to get past it. He's showing me how to die, which is really helping me live."
Other caregivers went further. They said that as they watched the door close on their loved one's physical identity, a door to the metaphysical slowly opened.
"I don't believe in an afterlife, but as my mother died, I truly understood that being dead is no more frightening than being asleep, which I love."
"As my husband's body was failing, he became almost translucent. I went right through my own pain and felt the most intense peace. I can still find that."
"Just before my grandmother died in surgery, I heard her voice saying, 'I'm leaving now, but you'll be fine.' I've been less anxious about everything ever since."
This is why traditional cultures value even the most fragile, disoriented elder, why the Navajo carry "Grandmother's bones" with such reverent attention. Even as you grapple with the logistical and psychological stress of eldercare, there will be moments when you find yourself on the "blessing path."
Rather than a long day's journey into night, you'll feel yourself making a long night's journey into day: through fear and confusion to courage and wisdom. Receive this gift, the final one your parents can offer before they take off their shoes, jump out the window, and fly home
Don't you realize hon you are worth more than wherever you can get it? You don't deserve to be treated as you have. Start choosing now to make changes. Let me give you some pro-active options to help yourself start a bit. They don't go without struggles, but it will help you gain some freedom emotionally as well.
You can be who you are!!! You can! Others will NOT like it because they have been used to you one way for so long. That's okay!! Take baby steps. Your children learned to crawl before they could walk and they learned to walk before they can run.
Taking care of yourself emotionally and physically is no different. Find one thing in your day that you are tired of. Make a determination of what you will or will not do. Then consciously say it out loud of what you won't do. Make that your one goal for the week (if its reoccurring). Watch what happens.
We don't have to go before God cowering and feeling unworthy. There is no way. Do you like it when your children come before you cowering or feeling unworthy? You love them regardless. It's no different for any of us here as caregivers.
Neon, its not about pride, its not about guilt, its not about being ashamed to take care of yourself. It's that we've believed a lie for so long we do not know any other reality. I know for my own life for the first time I can honestly say my life to this point has been a blessing. If not for all the verbal abuse, narcissistic behavior from mom, and everything else, I never would have realized what was lost. I wouldn't be where I am now. Now it is a time for healing. Now it is a time for restoring, and enjoying my life. The same can be said for you hon..... (((((Neon)))))
Thanks Austin, glad you got all that stuff out of the way there is only so much even you can do He sounds like he and my mother would get along really really good they could start a new soap opera as the stomach turns or who can pass out the fastest win XXX $ good game show or a reality tv show who will survive? I am being sarcastic and sick but hey that's who I am.
Jerome
Isn't this just a blessing in itself? It is finding healing where hearts are hurting. It is looking beyond all the muck and mire and finding a glimpse of sparking beauty. Like after cleaning all the dirt and arguments, suddenly in a bright moment we can find thankfulness in finding the laughter of a parent dancing suddenly without cause. Perhaps after a harrowing day we can find an ounce of gratitude for when a parent let's us tuck them in and says "I love you".
These are the blessings that get lost in all the garbage that goes on. Maybe we found a social worker who went out of their way to help any one of us accomplish a task.... these are the daily blessings.
When I look among all the tears, struggles, and anger.... I see a heart for a people who love unconditionally. Thank you all for being my blessings. Thank you for helping me realize situations in my life I have to be grateful for.
Did I count enough? :)
So I have lots of interest, I am almost finished a painting of cape Hatteras for a special friend who wants to give it to his wife for their anniversary He likes really bright colors and its a little bright for me especially the sky he wanted a orange sunset but whew its too orange so need to work on that put the shadows and highlights in work on the sand a little, put some grasses in and a few little details than that will be done, going to clean out the utility room this week end, and find time to enjoy my front porch, checked on my vegetable garden last night and there are lots of tomato and pepper buds cukes and squash are a little behind but its been really cool here lots of strange weather. but when it gets hot it will be hot. LOL Well my husband will be home tomorrow morning haven't heard from him all week so that tells you alot I asked him three weeks ago to give me a call when he got the chance so guess he has no chances. I think thats kinda pitiful myself but thats my opinion and I am entitled to my opinion. and he's entitled to his just lets me know how much he really does care. Actions speak much louder than words. and my words from now on at least to him I keep to myself. Well I guess I've rambled on long enough time to get something accomplished. Thank you all for caring and have a good day you sure help me alot.
So glad things went well for you and your Dad Micheleangel that makes all the difference in the world.
Mitzi your are the greatest, it is good when you are in the same pathway as others to look at their distress and garner as much info as you can to help see your own situation. My mother there is not going to be any changing she's been this way all her life and I can't expect her to change its just a wait it out game, she was always good at mind games playing me against my sister, and I do believe she has finally gotten it after all these years she has no control over me and can not hurt me anymore I just need to get that thru my thick head about my husband. But there is change in the air and Nanny McFee is about to appear LOL
This girl is fortunate enough to have you to be a blessing in her life. This is a gift from God to be a blessing when you know what it is like to be without and still extend it. Wow! You go girl!!
As far as the Nanny McFee.... lol well, no comment. I do m own fair share to get out of the bondages that have held me for far too long. :)
Glad to hear you are painting and expressing and sharing in the lives of other youth. Keep being an inspiration! You are to us that's for sure.
I think my mother is slipping very fast, I just went home for lunch let the dogs out found one of their water bowls in the dining room and one on the kitchen counter with a little bit of water in it,, I hung up the towels, threw in some rugs to wash, swept the kitchen took out the trash finished loading the dish washer and turned that on and my mother says... ahem....
Do your dogs carry their bowls around? Well they never did before but if they were thirsty they might, one is a husky one is a shepard, she says well I gave them water, I said no you didn't you left it on the counter, well I didn't want to give them water! (okay guys here is where I need your help) am I confused. They had full bowls this morning when I left at 7:45 granted they drink a lot of water, thus I go home at 12:30 or 1:00 to let them out and give them more water something to chew on, let them know I haven't abandoned them, etc. This is how I keep my youthful figure LOL . Than I went to the bathroom and there was dried up mess on the floor in front of the toilet where she apparently tried to clean it up but she won't have her cataracts removed thus she cannot see properly and of course, she cannot hear properly, Is she just going down hill now and these are the beginning signs I can't tell I don't know why I can't tell I'm an intellegent person but I just need a little information to back up what I might suspect or maybe just don't know. I know some of you have had situations beyond this and I did with my mother in law but her problems were different, my mother has not been diagnosed with dementia or anything like that and when I brought up the fact that she had bowel problems , to me if you eat at 4:19 and are running to the bathroom at 4:27 you have bowel problems this happens after everything she eats but she sits in the doctors office and says oh no I don't have any problem going to the bathroom that was 16 days ago. The doctor believes her I am not picking on her but I'm not going to put myself thru any more than I have to the worse thing will be to take her boxes away from her yi yi yi I NEED HELP
oh 380 years ago when we came to Jamestown. There was a cat named 'baby' who belonged to a daughter who didn't know how to care for her. The daughter's mother (neighbor) moved to Kansas to care for her father and left the cat at the house. I was asked to watch the cat while no one was there while the daughter was to take the cat to the country'. Well the cat let me know it was willing to be adopted, then it adopted me!
My dog, (Dachshund) and the cat are willing to get along however they refuse to modify their personalities one bit. It is quite funny.
Mitzi, my mom mouthed the words "I love you" even though she has not spoken a known language in quite a while. I'd say that was a Bright Spot!
I have been caring for a neighbor who has dementia the past 14 days so I haven't had much time to catch up on posts. Jerome