Dad died 5 months ago...

I have since left my job of 20 years to start something new against (perhaps) the good advice of a few people. The job was causing way too much stress for the last couple of years which coincidentally was when things started coming to a head with my Dad's health. Both he and my stepmother decided they didn't want to discuss anything with my brothers and I ---and as it turns out even my Dad had no idea about his diagnosis beyond that he had Parkinsons---he had no idea that Lewy body dementia had already firmly set upon him. My brothers and I were told that his doctors felt that he wouldn't have understood and it would have stressed him out even more. There was no party when he finally retired at 71 due to his health forcing the issue. This is also when the family fell apart and it wasn't until a month before his death that we were all pulled together to try to lend a hand. There had been so much anger leading up to this from my step mother who resented anybody asking questions as she viewed it being a challenge to her authority. She stated that she was angry because my brothers and I rarely visited --but whenever we did it turned out poorly---She would claim that Dad had been sitting by the phone for weeks crying that we didn't call him. But we had been calling ---messages left and never returned --cards sent for holidays and never acknowledged---and their seeming inability to pick up the phone at their end. Not to mention her stepmother de-freinding us on facebook all added up to the total disconnection and everybody trying to make up for lost time just as Dad enters hospice and there is no more energy for anything but love and tears---and anger is just a stupid wasteful indulgence that none of us can afford. And it brings us together to try and share in his last times and realize that we all can get along and try to shine through to Dad in his haze of heavy medication in a fever dream state. And now months later sitting in my room and for the last week or so when things finally got quiet enough there comes more thoughts perseverating into more of a longing than anything---the feeling of a change and a loss that I am still trying to comprehend and the ripple affect it's having all around me. I have retreated into the quiet place of my home and trying to stay healthy. Just thinking today how strange it was to still be having these bouts of sadness but happy to have found this site and realizing it's normal after reading what others are going through. Thanks for sharing.