My dad came to live with us (myself, my husband & 23 yr old son) 5 months ago, after my mom passed away. He is 84 and in mid to late stage of AD. The last 6 weeks or so, my dad slips into a delusion in which he thinks I am his wife. This usually happens in the evening, during his Sundowning period. Try as we might, we cannot get him to understand that I am his daughter. He thinks this is "our" home and that my husband and son are visitors. Usually around 9pm, he starts trying to kick them out. He gets very agitated when we try to explain that we all live here. He accuses me of taking in boarders without asking him first. When I've tried to explain who we all are, he will sometimes think that my husband is my first husband but I have divorced him and am now with married to him. He can't understand why I would welcome my ex into our home. He gets mad at me when I won't go to bed with him or gets up several times to see why I haven't come to bed yet. We have even had a few nights where he actually cries because he thinks I am either mad at him or sleeping with another man. My husband has been a good sport about this, sometimes sitting out in the garage until after Dad has fallen asleep. But it is now cold out and I don't expect my husband to give up his home in order to keep Dad calm. My son has also been very good to his grandpa, but it is hurtful when he says mean things to them and acts as though he has never seen them in his life. They understand that this is the illness, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt them. I am no longer bothered by the fact that Dad doesn't recognize me. I can accept that he doesn't know I'm his daughter. And if he thought I were a nurse or his sister or mother, I could play along. But we are at a loss as to how to handle this. We cannot live in his reality and play into this storyline! This is definitely not one of the things that any of us anticipated having to deal with. Has anyone else had this problem? Any suggestions for us?
Is there something you can distract your dad with - a favorite food or activity? It sounds like your father's "obsession" (for lack of a better word) is currently very intense, so it would probably be hard to just distract him, but it's worth a try. If that doesn't work, you might try buying into his "reality" and devise a "story" of your own that fits into his reality without meeting what he expects of you. Did your mother have any sisters? You could use a "therapeutic lie" - tell him his wife is away visiting her mother, and you are her sister who looks a lot like her, come to visit and look after him while his wife is away, and his wife would be very upset if you went along with him. If she didn't have any sisters, you could be her aunt or cousin. Your husband and son could be "visitors" like he believes, and they are having car trouble and need to stay the night. If he accepts that, you could use the same story every night. If not, they might have some more urgent need, like they are staying with us while their mother is in the hospital, so they won't be alone at a time like this and they can visit her more because the hospital is nearby, and they live far away.
How long has this particular situation been going on? It might fade away over time, or be replaced with a different theme. My mom had a bizarre fantasy when I first moved in with her. She told me that she was taking a walk recently and was suddenly surrounded by a bunch of teenage boys and felt terrified. This boy who she said lived across the street (i never saw any teenage boy anywhere on our street) came along and rescued her and kissed her very romantically, and the other boys all mocked him and she walked away and came home. She had that one for several months and always wanted to go over to his house and try to find out what was going on between them, and was terrified that those other boys were hanging around and would attack her. I was new to this whole thing, and tried to use logic to change her thinking, with no success. I think the only thing that helped was to look around the house and out on the street and show her there was no one there, and that I would protect her if anyone tried to hurt her. The whole theme just eventually faded away, I think it was replaced with another one, like, out of the blue, "are you ready to go? we are going to be late for work!", or, "we have to go to that place, they're waiting for us!" and pacing around the house till I finally got "ready", and we would go out to the car, and as soon as we got in, or after we had been driving around for a few blocks", she would say, "Where do you want to go?" This would happen a couple of times a day, sometimes we would get home and eat lunch and then she would say, "Are you ready to go?" and drove me crazy because I couldn't get much done, and she would become hateful if she didn't get her way right away, and pace from door to door, banging and kicking the doors and asking me to help her open them (I had "childproofed" the house so she could pace around the house and the backyard but couldn't get out on the street and wander away and get lost) over and over again, sometimes all day, if there was something I had to do and couldn't leave the house all day (those were HELLISH days) but in general it was a relief from her other fantasy. Then that was replaced with a similar one, wanting to go home to be with her mother and father. I tried again to use logic (they would be 130 and 140 years old if they were still alive) but she would just get angry and tell me I was lying, or if she believed me, the grief and gut-wrenching sobbing that she experienced was as strong as if it had just happened, and it just tore me apart. That's when I started thinking of "lies" that were better than all that pain. I began telling her that her parents were on a long driving trip to Mexico to revisit all the places and people they used to see when they went on trips there before. She would be disappointed but happy for them because they were having such a good time. That worked for months, until she INVENTED up a whole new set of parents! She began telling me that she wasn't talking about THOSE parents, she wanted to go see her "OTHER parents". Telling her that no one has four parents did no good (when will I learn!). The only thing that placated her would be to drive her around a while, "looking for her parents' house" and she had to give me directions because I didn't know where they live, which usually only lasted for a few blocks before she either forgot why we were driving around or could not give me any more directions, at which point we would just keep driving around enjoying the scenery, or go out to eat or to a movie (we have two good "one dollar" theaters in the area, so we can do this a couple times a week) or we would go grocery shopping or run other errands together. (DUH! I FINALLY figured out that all she really wanted was to get out of the house. I'm a bit of a homebody and enjoy puttering around the house, so it took me a while to figure that one out!).
Ireese mentioned medications. I had pretty much given up on any medication helping, but Mom's doctor added one more, Risperidone, to her other dementia medications and so far it has helped with the mood and agitation and pacing, so we don't have to drive around SEVERAL times a day, and we even don't have to drive around EVERY day, and it is easier to redirect her or distract her.
I guess my point is, it might help you to know that your father's current "obsession", for lack of a better word, might fade with time, or it might morph into something else you can deal with easier, and you might, in the meantime, be able to figure out a "story" that gets around your father's false ideas with a minimum of trauma and arguing, and that helps him to go to bed and gives you and your husband and son some peace as well. And it might help to, as Ireese suggested, to have her doctor adjust or add to whatever medications she is taking now.
Well, mom wants to go "somewhere" now, and has been very patient so far, so I guess I better stop writing now and get up and go! I hope this helps you deal with your very difficult and perplexing dilemma!
"Marriages" often form in care facilities between two people who think they are each other's spouses and it 'works' for them. Often it is painful for a living spouse who diligently cares for and visits the AZ patient, but there is an interdependence for the patients that does offer comfort. Perhaps having him somewhere close by where you can monitor his care and visit him would really be, in this case, the best thing. Anger is or can be a huge issue with AZ patients. I think your marriage has to come first and it sounds like you have a very good husband. God bless you both.
I just have my mother, so I haven't experienced what you are going through, but mom has forgotten many family members. We keep a picture on the wall of my father, and mom will point to it say do you who that is (like she's quizzing me) and I'll say that's you're husband and my daddy. I used the above night time routine with my mom, I'd say it was time to go to bed, she'd crack her door and tell me she was ready (when she had her night gown on). I'd give her her meds, help her into bed, tell her I loved her, kiss her goodnight and turn off the light. She liked the routine and started just getting up and saying "I'm going to bed and I'd say okay let me know when you're ready for me to tuck you in." Kind of role reversal. Good luck to you, my advice is keep it simple.