I have asked the question from each side, and I thank you for your responses. My mother-in-law is 80, has a few health issues, but lives independently, drives herself to Dr. appointments/luncheons, cares for her own home, loves to read and putts around the house. She lives in a large urban area and has no trouble driving on the freeway. Her mind is excellent. She lives about an hour from the nearest family member. Family is concerned about distance in case of emergency, so one daughter who has repeatedly said Mom should live with her has cleared out a lovely room with a separate bathroom and invited Mom to live with them. Daughter works full time and will for the next 2 years. Son-in-law is home. So....... Mom is worried son-in-law will hover--he has mentioned he will be "doing the cooking and get her on the right track nutritionally", Mom is worried daughter will treat her like a child. Mom has some minor health issues and daughter is worried she will be living with "two invalids" (Each has confided these things to me separately while I've been here visiting). No one has talked about expectations, limitations, desires, dislikes, etc. I live several states away and I am visiting. Have observed daughters being very dismissive of Mom's comments/opinions, being very short and telling her what she should want and not want----"you don't need that" "you don't want that" and raising their voices to tell her not to do things such as pick up something she dropped, trying to help with the yard sale to sell her things. Mom's feelings are very hurt, but she is also angry at this behavior and today confided that she is now really worried about moving in with the daughter. I told Mom she needs to talk with her, but this is not a communicating kind of a family. Wonderful, intelligent people, for sure, and I really love them all, but they hollar alot, interrupt each other, talk over each other, and I'm somewhat intimidated about inserting my opinion.......but they need help!!! I'm looking for some kind of a list each could read or fill out that addresses kinds of concerns that they could share with each other which could hopefully stimulate a conversation or at least open their eyes about each other's fears/concerns. Anything like that around?
Mom sounds to independent to be bossed around by anyone. She doesn't seem to be the one wanting the move.
As far as a list goes, if your SIL insists on Mom moving in ask her to ask herself if she would want to live with her Mom again in Mom's house, under Mom's rules! They both need to treat each other as adults.