I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
If someone went down that well of 'so sad, to sell her home, forced to move, to that gawd-awful place, so unfair wah wah' I think he's say "Yeah. You totally failed her. Should have stopped her getting old. Why did you let that happen?"
When he says "you failed" it often gets some sort of huffy reply of 'well it's NOT my fault!!!' He just smiles like * job done*. He can be a smug a*hole who I accuse of not having feelings - but he never wears other's misery as his own. It's very refreshing also 😆.
How nice to hear from you! Sorry you're under the weather, but I'm sure you'll bounce back quickly.
Yep--the things we learn while we're going along and the lessons we learn that we 'could' impart to our young'uns, but who won't listen to us :)
We still have both mothers ticking along, both are 91 and looks like they will both make it close to 100. I am sure DH will pass before his mother does. How weird will that be?
I no longer have ANY relationship with my MIL and it has been wonderful. I see my own mother once a week and no more. I take her to bingo and then back home.
I learned so much from your saga---I'm sure MANY others did, too.
Your MIL was a pip, from start to finish. I hope that time will soften the bad feelings you had about her. I hope for all of us who struggle with difficult relatives find peace in time.
Take care of you!!
Uh no .. the sodium is what your body needs to replenish the fluids lost. To a response of: "Oh yea that makes sense". Ya think?
I've had way too much time on my hands the last couple of days to ponder some frustrations from bygone days. Too wellness, ....
And yes, my mom, thus far, other than back troubles that have plagued her off and on for years .. and flare up at times, she is healthy as can be, and a 80 years young soon to be.
Going to look forward to a family reunion bday celebration to come in the next couple of weeks and enjoy having a healthy/thriving parent . while I still can.
Yeah, I think it'll be awhile before the hurt and the pain of the many years of stressful caregiving fade away, until then, their memories are not funny in the least.
I often read people write in this forum: "oh, you will miss your mother/father/loved one once they pass away, and you will wish you'd have one more day with them."
"NOT", I want to scream. No I won't miss my mother, not the Alzheimer's version of her. And no, I don't want her back, not even one day, unless it's the pre-Alzheimer's mother.
Wishing your mother good health and true independence for years to come. Too early for you to have a threepeat.
In your experience with MIL, she was never even asked to "make do".
Your SIL had unrealistic expectations of you and I am so glad that you called a halt to that.
I, the person who is never sick .. have had a stomach bug for a couple of days. On the mend however. But it has been a reminder, as I lay around like a bum unable to muster the energy to get up and do much of anything. My mind wanders back to the days of MIL and her so prone for stomach ailments.
The numerous times I was called to take her the BRAT supplies to help. As I sit and eat a cup of jello .. ready made, .. in a disposable cup. The reminder that MIL would be brought the same, to SIL's protests ... "she doesn't like the ready made ones .. won't eat them .. she only likes the jello made from the box". That one, I stood toe to toe on .. I don't have the time to do that, I will go to the store and buy gatorade, or whatever, and ready made jello cups . but no . not going to make jello.
As I eat the jello myself, and ponder what's the difference? It all tastes the same to me.
Or the dry toast. MIL was always one for the multi grain breads. I am too, prefer those. But when one is fighting digestive issues, the less grain the gut has to process, the better. So, just plain ole toasted white bread and the protestations of SIL .. "she won't eat that, .. she doesn't like it".
Or the Rice in the BRAT diet .. I'd taken to buying the ready made pouches of Uncle Ben's rice .. just heat it up in the microwave. That too, not suitable. What's the dang difference.
Or the forcing myself to take some sips .. fluids. I know, if I don't, I'll just get weaker, so I do so. Don't want it, but body needs it. It .. as I sit around unable to go do anything else, nursing myself back to health .. and I remember that aspect. Unless one had the time to sit with her, to keep coaching.. and forcing the issue, she wouldn't hydrate properly.
GAWD why did she have to be so high maintenance.
Will this all be funny to me one day .. because I'm not there.
It's not funny yet.
I think all totaled so far, the kid has (and his atty) rec'd maybe 4 million .. and still some suits pending ...
He has done astoundingly well. Youth. It can do wonders, I suppose. Not by any stretch anything one would wish on someone. But the kid has really done alright, for the shape he's in so far .. as far as resuming any ability to have a life. He was always an avid fisherman . boater . .that continues .. he drives . he works, .. gets around on prosthetic legs .. and I'm sure will be besieged by a lifetime of health issues sadly. But by all reports I've heard .. he works .. so forth .. he is able to function (as normally as one can in his circumstance) pretty good. It's astounding. And most of all, has had a great attitude, from what I hear, all throughout.
I agree, that is a sad/tragic story . one where you might find some who pine away for what was/what coulda/shoulda been. Or .. an ongoing story of a family friend at present, 38 yo .. father of two young daughters, just dx'd with Leukemia ...
There are things more sad than the loss of an aged parent who was blessed to be able to live a long, and mostly healthy life. There are.
I do struggle to wrap my own brain around the malaise that lingers .. on the topic of MIL's demise and her waning years spent in the facility where she ended up.
It's some hand wringing (when it comes up which isn't by any stretch a daily occurrence) ... over the fact her last stretch of life had to be remanded to "that God awful place she never wanted to be".
It's a dichotomy for sure. In me, .. my mindset is truly more one of .. "folks, she lived a long and happy life ... that's more than some folks get blessed with .. and ya know ... if we live long enough, every one of us ... short of the unlimited funds and/or extended giving/caring family .. we're all gonna be remanded to *one of those God awful places* ... it wasn't "GOD AWFUL". There are GOD AWFUL places you see on the news .. that are absolutely despicable .. this wasn't one of those places."
I don't know, it's a struggle for me, when it infrequently comes up ... to find the same sentiment that DH and his sister share.
Their mom was a sweet, caring, wonderful person who I enjoyed immensely also in her more vital days. BUT ... I will say . for me .. it is colored somewhat by those ending months/years and her demands things be her way .. and the impact/fall out experienced.
I mean .. I see it occur in other families. An elderly woman in our church .. a few years ago .. the home had to sell, and her now going to GA to live with her daughter .. too infirm to continue to care for herself .. and her husband gone .. and it just .. it was what it was .. nobody was wringing hands and lamenting that she shouldn't have to "leave her home" . it just was what it was.
Not so with MIL. I guess she was able to buy add'l stay in her home at the enabling of her offspring who couldn't bear to see her have to be upended .. and the fallout thereof, wasn't pretty in the last months/years.
So, my view is somewhat different. And of course, it would be . she wasn't my mom.
But I've lost my dad .. and granted that bond/relationship between me and my dad . wasn't the bond/relationship experienced with DH and sister and their mom.
But it's hard at times ... because you wanna shake the snot out of em . with a notion of "did ya think they'd live forever and healthy and strong?!?!?!?"
I didn't . w/regard to my dad .. I knew his day would come ... it will for all of us.
But I guess . the absence of that strong bond . maybe makes a difference. Who knows?
You know what haunts me about your story? The young man who was maimed in the tree-trimming accident that shouldn't have happened. How is he doing? Is your brother still being sued?
And as we're all aware Covid shut down the whole world, for months on end ..
I live in FL, land of the free . and a governor who kinda played to the beat of a different drum on all that Covid lockdown stuff . and so .. we've been open here and in biz in the state of FL. She lives in IL .. and they have spent many more months than we did in complete lockdown and her .. right there signed on for it all.
Her's and our opinions differ on that topic also.
So they have not traveled this way .. needless to say, nor been open for us to travel to see them either, . possible Covid spreaders we might be . from our free state.
They do intend to come to our daughter's wedding. I'm guessing they'll be the only ones there masked up. So be it.
But yes, BIL is fine, from what I hear of it all.
And to those who say "oh that sets a bad precedent, why do you let them sleep with you?". They won't always wanna have anything at all to do with ole nanna . and so while they do .. I'm here for em. Plain and simple. When I was their age .. I loved visiting with my granny and getting to sleep with her .. and chatter her ears off, as we went to sleep at night. So I'm gonna do it ... til they don't wanna anymore.
Yes, SIL is actually driven to the edge of insanity by this cousin ... (she isn't hands on, . they live in two different states . he in VA, her in IL) ... but .. that cousin . among his many health challenges . he obviously has some mental challenges . and is probably over medicated .. and ... forgets that he already talked to her for two hours that morning and calls incessantly the same afternoon ... this goes on day after day. I think it all just about drives even her to the edge ... but .. she signed on for it ... so .. whatever.
As for me, I stay busy with my church activities, helping to run a biz . being a large measure of my grandkids lives ... and .. youngest daughter has the freight train on full bore speed ahead as to her wedding. They have been engaged for a couple of years . but had no real plans in place, til a few months ago to make any marital union occur. That has now changed . and that is full speed ahead, so I am in all that, helping to fund, plan, etc. Will be a barn venue wedding (climate controlled barn) on a rural area farm not too far from here .. and should be absolutely beautiful, the whole thing.
So now we pray it doesn't rain .. (the ceremony itself outside under an enormous oak tree), reception in the climate controlled barn.
I remain so grateful those days are over with. The living on the edge of, . do I dare even head to the grocery store (just that simple a necessary task) .. and get my world upended by some need .. some calamity on behalf of an elder in our lives. And it happened far too frequently. I feel for those still in the trenches.
DD was telling me about a good friend of her's . her age . .that her mom .. is in those throes these days with the care of her own mom .. and how that woman . her name is Kathy . probably my age . had broken down in absolute tears the other day over a broken coffee mug .. as she washed dishes . and for whatever reason . the coffee mug split into and broke ... and that brought about a meltdown .. and how she was sharing with them ... "I saw my own mom weather this . it's not easy ... this caregiving thing .. it's terribly grueling .. you have to . you're gonna have to learn when to say when ... and back away . you aren't superwoman".
My heart broke for the woman .. I know it all too well.
Thankfully, my mom .. she turns 80 this summer, and we have a big celebration planned, the whole family going to TN .. and she coming to meet us there, .. for a long wknd to celebrate . and she is still as spry as when she was 30 ... and I'm grateful.
I totally get why politics caused you and SIL not being close anymore. Politics is the reason so many relationships and friendships got damaged or destroyed. There is little common ground when it comes to it.
I'm surprised that SIL is taking care of a cousin. I'd think she'd be taking care of her husband, but maybe he's doing fine healthwise.
About DH and SIL being sad and lamenting about their mother being in the nursing home in her final days, I hope they weren't blaming you for that. The reason they were sad because they have mostly good memories of their mother. They have the luxury of not having the bad memories of being in the trenches for 15 or so years doing the grunt work. So, if we want our kids to remember us fondly, don't turn them into unpaid servants for years on end.
Enjoy your time free of caregiving.
So great to hear from you! 🤗
I referenced your 'yellow bedroom' on another post this week - hope you don't mind??
It was, to me, such a perfect symbol of creating one's *boundaries*.
Should be a film.
Good to hear from you!
Yes-the first few 'anniversaries' of things after a LO has passed can be hard. We still have both Mom and MIL--neither is in good shape, but we expect they will linger for years.
We don't really obsserve Mother's/Father's days. I call them 'fake holidays' and we just pretend they don't exist.
You will eventually have just the memories and the ones of caring for too many people at one time will fade away.
How is the rest of your family? You had a soap opera's load of drama! Hope you, yourself are calm and enjoying the grands and not having 1000 things to do each day.
My dad .. in his last months of life was carted to so many diffferent locales between hospitals and rehab sites, etc. So, almost anywhere I go in this city . it brings a sense of "ughh" traveled these roads at all hours of the night and day time and again and again.
I had taken the grandkids to the park not long ago, .. a really really nice park that isn't near my home, but is near to the hospital he spent a lot of time in . and so passing that hospital ... to get there. A sense of "ugh" this wasn't fun . these roads . for so long.
Had to head out to a different area of town not long ago .. for an errand and was on the roads that lead to where he was for so long, in rehab . for months ... and that too .. a sense of .. "ugh . one day I hope there are other memories of these roads".
That, because my dad was in so many locations .. moved around in different hospitals, different rehabs .. for months . it seems no matter where I go . .I find myself remembering the yuk that all was for so long.
Maybe in time, it passes.
But .. just interesting to have now passed a few milestone holidays . and now, no longer here with us, MIL and my dad. And I'm okay with it ... I didn't fall into despair on behalf of either.
So I reviewed some of what .. it kinda turns out to be, is a journal of sorts of the walk from those days about this time last year.
Fast forwarding to now ... I don't regret one single thing of all the saga that was the whole story for the few years leading to the demise of both DH's mom and my dad both. Not one single regret. For that I'm grateful.
Mother's Day brought about sadness in DH and in his sister, . they miss their mom. I wish I could stake claim to that as my prevailing emotion on it all, it's not .. not really. I miss the once vibrant, healthy her. But that ship sailed long before things took turns for the aged/infirm that she became. Seemed my prevailing sentiment was more one of ... yea .. people get old and unable to care for themselves, it's sad indeed . but it's a fact ... and she was no different. But she sure did make life awfully difficult for those of us who tried to help .. and for far too long.
DH and his sister, .. left with kind of a sadness and malaise even still that their poor mother was relegated to the care of "that place" in her final walk of life.
I'm over here with kind of a sentiment of .. "well I mean short of fairies that would show up daily .. fairies she'd of kicked out of her house anyway .. I don't know what it is you two expect would've been her path in that final walk of life".
Maybe those two ships of thought, . they'll never align in the same direction forward. Maybe it'll always be that I am left, .. complete resolve . what was . had to be. And they .. a sadness at what was.
His sister has since, . taken up as her charge . a cousin .. oh too long to go into .. but suffice it to say there is a 60 yo cousin who has had a myriad of health problems all his life .. spent his life living with mom and dad .. never married, no kids .. mom and dad now gone . and so this cousin is adrift .. and somewhat mentally challenged, living alone .. and health problems .. and no isn't local to her . but that is her charge now.
I always said of SIL . she has to have someone/something to obsess over. If it wasn't her mom . it would've been 40 cats .. she'd be the crazy cat woman. But now .. her mom gone . her mission is this cousin .. and trying to help him from afar.
That situation, I don't (and won't) touch with a 10' pole.
SIL and my relationship ... it's not what it once was. I guess I harbor some animosity .. slightly .. at how she was all too willing, for far too long, . to not listen to me . the one here in the trenches .. and that .. lingers. But we've also ... she and I are polar opposites .. as to some issues politically speaking . and so much of today's climate .. has to do with that very issue and so . there is some distance there also . .due to that. We don't' talk all that often.
As to my dad's situation . and K. I haven't talked to her since, not long after his death when she called here with some craziness. I alerted her daughter . and washed my hands of it. I didn't see/call her at xmas .. or Easter, Mother's Day, no card, nothing. And I'm okay with that.
I look back at where I was last year this time . and I do feel a sense of .. oh .. I dunno what one would term it, . but I'm okay with what I did for my dad . the limited capacity I acted in to advocate on his behalf . where I could. I'm okay with it. But I'm also glad that chapter is closed.
As Father's Day approaches .. I'm sure I'll feel a pang of what never was .. as to any relationship there. But have long since put that to bed.
The one thing that does linger .. as to that situation . and maybe that gets better in time ...
I think about the arduous journey that was, and all of you that have, or are currently waging that battle.
When you're in it, it feels so hopeless. Like your entire life/existence has been relegated to the care of another and no glimmer of hope to find in life, the things that bring you joy, make life worth living.
Wish I had words of encouragement. So trite to say "it gets better". Not when you're knee deep in it all.
The only thing any of us can do is take each day as it comes & try to do our best. But also cut ourselves some slack in the realization there will be moments that turn into hours, days, sometimes weeks, of frustration and even anger at times.
But we do the best we can.
For me, with the caregiving journey in my rearview mirror, I can say th that's what I did. Did my best, am human, got frustrated, tired, angry at times but always did the best I could.
Now with 2 LO's gone, it is of solace to know, I helped as best I could in each circumstance.
May not have been just the help they'd of desired (yellow bedroom, no vacancy) or in my dad's case, no suitcase packed and live in daughter caretaker.
For each person, only they can decide for themselves what is a bridge too far (yellow bedroom or packing a suitcase to take up residence in the LO's home). That, a bridge too far. Outside of that, I did all I could and in hindsight I'm happy knowing that.
Cut yourselves some slack ...
It will make the journey a measure more doable.
All the best to the "regulars" and "not-so-regulars"! You ALL help me through this journey more than you know! My utmost respect goes out to each of you. :)
That you are yours are well - or recovering... speedy wellness to MD & DH. (Least not the dreaded Covid).
You did such a fine caregiving job & I am so pleased you have no real regrets.
Looking back upon it all, MIL & Dad lived in their own homes as long as they could. Both until they hit their crises time. Even if you had sacrificed your entire life for each, it would not have prevented the slide from health, into crises & dependant on 24 hr care. There is always going to be a certain amount of turmoil, denial & reshaping of lives at that point. I think that's key: being realistic & knowing your limits. Knowing that no 'yellow bedroom' will cure old age. Just wear you out trying!
Your original tale of stepping in & being pulled under by MIL's needs helped me more than you will ever know. I felt you were a few chapters ahead of me & I finally found people who understood. The helpfulness that is taken for granted, the guilt, the avalanche of pressure from others happy to let it fall (as long as not on them).
Thankyou Dorker & best of health for 2021 & beyond 💐💐💐
Kind of off the rails a bit mentally (typical for her) .. and I talked to her at that point. She wanted to tell me .. she was in the process (slow going) of cleaning out pictures there at her house, and would set aside pics of me and my brother for me to retrieve at some point. Yea .. keep em .. I have loads of em, no thanks. Throw em out .. whatever.
I haven't talked to her since. I don't call her, . and she .. who knows .. maybe she thinks she talked to me yesterday .. with her Dementia that's a distinct possibility.
Other than that, life is just .. okay, and that's A-okay w/me.
Hope all here at doing okay .. maybe at some point I'll peruse thru here to get updates on how the regulars are doing these days.
MD has been sick for over a month now ... terrible cough, so much so that she ended up in the ER, sure she broke a rib coughing. But nope .. I guess a pulled muscle, .. So have been pitching in to help her out (no it's not Covid she's been tested more than one time throughout it all, .. .and negative). Pitching in to help out with kids some, and/or sending meals. She's on the upswing finally but still sore from the pulled muscle.
DH .. pneumonia .. as of last week, .. hospitalized overnight .. but is doing better now.
Tis the season I suppose.
As for me, .. .finer than frog hair (not sick thankfully).
Having now had more time to reflect upon the situations with MIL and with my dad and the needs there, .. as to each respectively and the burden heaped upon others (me), .. I am proud to say that I wouldn't have done anything any differently with either.
MIL, I still stand firmly in my stance, .. that all we did .. me .. a lot of it, for a long time, helped her to stay in her home .. probably longer than she would've otherwise. I'm sorry that life for her in the end, meant her remanded to a NH ... a place she would've rather died than have to go to. But .. even retrospectively at this point, .. I wasn't willing to literally give up my life, to care for her. And, that's what it would've taken. She was no more interested in living under my roof for her care (nor did I want that), ... but I would've literally had to move there, to care for her, daily and nightly and I wasn't willing to do that. I had already given up .. progressively through the years as it the need increased, .. enough of my time/energy. When it got to the point she was falling all the time, and one ailment after another .. couldn't recover from one before 3 more ailments befell her ... I couldn't do it anymore and you guys remember the absolute pit of fire I walked through to get release from it. Would only change that part, .. that it took me almost having to go hurl myself off the nearest bridge .. to get the powers that be in it all, to sit up and listen to me.
I wouldn't change any of it, . other than that part. Sure was a lot of turmoil to have to endure, for a problem that wasn't mine to begin with.
I hope she's dancing on the streets of Gold in Heaven and with her beloved husband, and her mom and dad, and so forth. I don't wish her any harm, never did. Loved her, but I'd done all I could, and I knew it.
As to my dad .. same. I wouldn't change any of it. I helped from arm's length really . for the most part .. and kept a distance, out of necessity for the fact his wife, .. really made it pretty clear she didn't want/need me around, and that made things more difficult.
But I helped where I could, and I'm not sorry.
I miss him. I miss being able to just chit chat with him . about nothing or anything at all. He and I love music ... and that remains as a love of mine .. and I can't share that with him anymore. Used to maybe happen upon something interesting of a program maybe on PBS .. I know at one time I had him turn on a PBS program (called him) .. about line music .. from the churches of Appalachia .. and he and I both liked it .. I still do. Miss being able to converse on those kinds of things with him. Politics .. boy has that been a heated topic these days. Always appreciated his "takes" on the political scenes ongoing and miss talking over those topics.
But it always circles back to, for me, . I'm glad he's not here and miserable anymore. Hopefully he too, .. is dancing on the streets of Gold.
I haven't talked at all to my stepmother. Really have no intent to do so. Don't wish her ill .. but really just "Ain't got nuttin for ya", is about more the sentiment.
She called here before Xmas . I think I'd put that here .. and was