I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Alice is right, it seems that the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle, although at times it feels that he gives us too much. He sure tests us. Just when we seem to get adjusted to the extra load, he gives us more. Testing, testing. Good day to you all! Nauseated

edrex, my heart goes out to you. My mother was diagnosed with severe major depression just last year. Mom managed to hide that fact until she started to do hospital runs (a whole other soap opera). That escalated 5 years ago when my father had his stroke. So within the last year my mom has had a LOT of adjustments in her life because it used to be all about her (for 50+ years). In her mind she has every reason to behave like this.

Your wife is in good hands. There isn't really anything you can do for your wife until they get her on medications to help. Take care of your new job. That's extremely important for you and your children to be their provider.

It also may be very true regarding the analysis you made about your wife. Sometimes jealousy can manifest itself into manipulation which can rip a family apart if not identified. At least recognizing the possibility for that can help you make decisions accordingly for the needs of your kids.

Will it be time for an assisted living facility for your mother? Does she have the finances to do that? Perhaps maybe doing an adult day care may help alleviate some of the stress?

Your kids are your top priority while your wife is in the hospital. You definitely have a lot on your plate providing for and taking care of your family. Did you tell the new employer about things going on before you started? You haven't mentioned how work is responding or reacting to things going on.

Have you mentioned anything about your wife's parents? Or any siblings? Perhaps if there is a good relationship you can get them to watch the kids for a while so you can crash and rejuvenate?

I know I forget about men in the caretaking equation, and it is a huge responsibility. If it helps, we're proud of you for making it thus far!

edrex,
mitzipinki is so right. Take care of yourself and widen your support circle to include your family, in-laws, and friends. Also, church groups, visiting nurse, medicare and all the agencies that provide help. Go to the social worker at the hospital and see what they can do for you. Even if it is temporary, their support will help. Good luck
lovingdaughter

Excellent suggestion, lovingdaughter! The social worker at your wife's hospital should be vital to yours and your wife's care plan. We continue praying for you. edrex.

Everyone

Everyone, thank you so much. The outpouring of support and advice you have sent to me is a treasure. To answer some of the questions: My wife was originally mis-diagnosed as bi-polar. Currently, the diagnosis is severe depression (she was suicidal when she was admitted) with severe anxiety and panic attacks. My "babies" are actually five year old twins and a 7 year old. (I referred to them as "babies" when I was struck with the thought of who would take care of them if something happened to me.)

The news on the MOTHER front is pretty remarkable. A few weeks ago, it looked like she might never return to her own home or live independently again. Amazingly, she went home today. To her own home. The hospital staff was amazed at how well she was doing. She can walk across a room with her walker now. Any more than that will exhaust her. Still, she's so optimistic she tried to refuse delivery of the wheelchair I ordered for. When I reminded her that a) the wheelchair is covered by Medicare, and b) without it there's no way she could get to a dr's appointment, she let them deliver it. (An aide is staying with her for the next few days.)

My wife is having an extremely difficult time. She's very headstrong and hates not being in control of any situation. She has resisted her treatment ever since she was hospitalized. She's convinced that the hospital is CAUSING her depression and she doesn't believe the medicines will ever help her. Today, she refused some of the prescribed drugs. When the doctor found out about this, the doctor told her she was the most difficult patient she'd ever had. My wife called me, hysterical, scared, and in great pain. By the end of our talk, she reluctantly agreed to keep following the doctor's orders.

Regarding work, I haven't let anyone know about my situation. Fortunately, the project I'm doing doesn't require me to go into an office every day. I just need to find some hours so I can start doing some work. As you all know, care taking is a time-devouring black hole. If you're not driving back and forth from hospitals, you're ordering wheelchairs, and then answering calls about cancelled wheelchairs, and then making more calls convincing the non-ambulatory person that maybe a wheelchair isn't such a bad idea, and by that time it's time to pick up the kids, and then there are more calls and then it's time for dinner (I swear these kids need to be fed practically EVERY day), and then at dinner the kids don't say "thanks", they just look at you funny because you're still wearing the clothes you've slept in for three days in a row.

Another miracle happened today. I peeled those clothes off and took a shower. And during that entire shower, no one flushed a toilet or turned on the dishwasher.

I guess I really can't complain today.

You're amazing! So much going on, and you are in good spirits. That will see you through a lot of difficulties. Praying for you and your wife and kids. The hole of no hope is a black hole, but caregiving isn't. You are doing a heroes job, and nothing you are doing is a waste. Loving your wife is the right thing to do. And caring for your little ones, not only a duty, but a precious responsibility. Caring for your Mom, honorable and right. Thank God you have some help right now! But caregiving is definitely one time-consuming, sometimes almost all-encompassing, and seemingly never-ending task! I know a lot about black holes, because I was lifted out of one by the Lord Jesus Christ, and because I believed John 3:16, Corinthinas 15:3, Romans 6:23 and 10:13, he set my feet upon a solid rock. That is the ONLY way out of the hole of no hope. Whatever demons she's fighting, she needs you to fight for her in prayer. My Dad was in a Geriatric Psychiatric Ward and refused his medications. They took him to court, and FORCED him to take them against his will, by IM. Two big guys held him down and shot him in the muscle. They stabilized him, and he was able to be moved to a nursing home. He is doing much better now. Don't mean to compare exactly to your wife, because he has Alzheimer's, but just wanted to alert you to possibilities. Feeling sorry for your poor babies. Tough without mommy home. If you keep feeding them, they're going to grow. LOL And ahhhhh...nothing better than a hot shower to help relieve stress. God bless you all. Miracles needed there.

edrex, all I can say is whether a doubter or not, God has provided you some incredible strength to do all this.

As caregivers on this board we are all going to pour it on in relating to your situation and stressors. That's what we do (smile).

Your wife's diagnosis comes from the root of a more serious issue and you said it yourself... "She's very headstrong and hates not being in control of any situation." I am a 40 year old daughter of a woman who has controlled herself and everyone else for her 70+ years on this earth. She has hurt many people, she has destroyed many things along her path.

If you truly understand this about her, you are going to need to realize that you are going to have to say no to her at times (probably many times), and stick up for your children while seeing to it, that she's cared for in the best place she can be.

God this is such a terrible disease "It's all about me." ((((((((Edrex)))))))) I know for myself in trying to heal from all the hurts, manipulation, etc, when I think about things, I hurt for her. I truly wonder why she wanted to waste her life living like this. It's only made her sick, physically, mentally, and spiritually. But you and I have choices. We help those we can when we can.

Isn't it great and awesome that you found a job where you can work at home sometimes to take that well needed shower? Look at the gift of your mother where she is able to be home and there is an aide who will stay with her. That's no small feat in itself.

There are blessings in everything, and I think the more you look through this than within in, you'll find the strength you need everyday. You've been doing it. And the great thing is we get to come here and breathe and let our hair down for a while to receive from others while we are emotionally spent.

You may doubt it, but God bless you our friend. Take care of those girls (all of them)!!

Dear mitzi and edrex, perhaps I didn't choose the right words. To "demonize" sounds as if it's a spiritual condition. Don't know in your wife's condition. If it is "all about meism" then everyone suffers, to be sure. But the God of all comfort is the only one who can bring peace, no matter what the diagnosis. And this family needs peace that passes understanding, that can only come from God. I'm not opposed to medications, if used correctly. But we would all be drugged if we just used them to medicate feelings and emotions. The only source of strength comes from God, for Satan comes to kill, steal and destroy. Confusion is not of God. If we don't rely on God for strength and wisdom and direction, he won't force it on us, but will suffer the consequences of turning our backs on him as well. Pray he guides the doctors in dealing with your loved ones. God sees what we cannot see. I don't think people "choose" to waste their lives physically, mentally and spiritually always, because sometimes those things are beyond choice, and truly are physical conditions. But some people do make bad decisions, and have to live with the consequences. Is there some psychological HELP available for your wife? (Not just psychological mumbo jumbo?) Mitzi, sorry to hear about all you've had to deal with from your past. With God's help, you came out if it being able to show compassion and pity on the weak. I still struggle with my Mom, but can't "fix" her. Can't tell when it's choice, habit, or what... But God has helped me heal, and be able to be a servant to Mom regardless of the way she treats others. Sad. Life is not always pretty.

Good Morning Everyone,

I hope everyone is doing good. I am doing good well and looking forward to this weekend just staying around the house.

Edrex--I hope your coming alone, I hope your wife finds the strength she needs to get well and be a mom to your children. Mental Illness is a horrible disease to deal with. But the medical commuity has made great strides in medications with treatment so that people can have a normal life. Once the right combination of meds and treatment is found for your wife she should be able to come home and continue with your life. I hope this happens fast for your sake.

Edrex--Usually when it comes to caregiving it is usually the woman who take over or are stuck with this job because often other siblings are to busy in their own lives. I give you much credit for helping your mother it is very wonderful that you are taking on this with all your immediate family problems. You are turely a one of a kind man and that is good to see. Things will work out for you because you deserve them to. Stay strong--your handling it with unbelievable kindness and love for your family.

I hope that everyone else is doing good its nice to take the focus off our own problems for a while because we see that their is always someone worse off then we are. But that does not by no means minimize any of our situations because we all are caregivers who have given unselfishly of ourselves for our loved ones.

So my friends have a wonderful day and take a moment for yourselves even if its just a few minutes. Be good to yourself--don't forget we must stay strong for them. Take care

Alice

Anne, Mitzi, Alice, well put, I love reading your posts too! Naus

Oh dear sweet Anne and others.... you are my lifeline more than you know! Edrex's statement about his wife touched a chord and living with such a controlling mother myself, my heart goes out to him if she chooses not to let go of the control. It is an awful life to live, and maybe this is the start of healing for her as well.

Anne, please read your wall, but I do concur with you. What an awful waste of time when we turn away. This whole experience with mom, healing, my marriage, and a whole host of other "issues" has made me turn towards Him even more. I couldn't have gotten this far without Him. But boy has God given me a compassion for people in similar situations. I just want to smother all of you with as much time alone (solitude in this caregiving thing, important!), bless you all with your heart's desire, but I can't physically do it. What I can do is share with you and cry with you.

Don't ever give up and keep doing it! Learn to steal some time from you. Notice the word "steal"? This time its okay to take! LOL

Hi all,
Just a few words for now........my mom passed Wed night after years dealing with Alzhiemers. She has lived with us for about 5 years and my husband and I were sole caregivers. Family was no where to be found. The last months were horrible, The last week Morphine every hour. Thank God for Hospice. I felt so much relief after it was over Releif for her and for us. My daughter (a Downs child) had to take a back seat because we had so much to deal with Grandma. Now we can give her the attention she needs. I know mom is in a better place and would want us to resume our life. I kept her home where she wanted to be and I feel no guilt!!!! The tension in our house is gone!! It is wonderful to be able to go when we want. I don't resent my mom or regret the years we gave her but you have to move on. Do not feel guilty............Find something to smile about...........God Bless each and every one of you. We are all special people..............Phyllis

Phyllis, my condolences to you and your husband. I am so glad you were able to provide for her. Deep down she knew how blessed she was. Your daughter is a fortunate young lady to have such a great mom and dad.

Dear Phyllis,

Sorry for your loss!

You are so correct is saying that you feel no guilt for have caring for your mother. I hope I can feel that same feeling when ever the time comes for my father.

Six year and counting sometimes I don't know how long I can do it for but I take one day at a time and no longer talk to my husband about my father at all. This has taken the stress out of my marriage and off of me being the middle person.

Take care, Alice

Dear Phyllis, thank you for sharing about your Mom. God bless you for the care you gave her. Sorry you had to deal with so much with her Alzheimer's. You sound so strong and such an encourager. You are one hero. I pray you enjoy some special time together with your husband and daughter. You deserve it for all your efforts and hard work. So another passes to eternity. She no longer has to struggle with that thief, Alzheimer's. And she left knowing you loved and would care for her to the end. One of the fortunate ones. May God reward you for being such a wonderful daughter.

Just curious, I wonder what those who don't help their parents out feel after they pass. Thank God we won't have to know first hand.

Alice, you are such a sweetheart. Always an encourager! Hi Naus! You were up late last night, weren't you? No wonder you're so quiet today. Thanks, Mitzi, I read my wall. Love you all. You're such a blessing to be around. Thank you.

Dear Phyllis, you have my deepest sympathy but I know you are sure your mom is at peace and you can be to and spend the much required time with your family. I love you all you are all such loving, caring, strong men and woman, this will be my last post. I have to quit, I am so depressed today and have so many things on my plate right now I just don't have the time to look at another thing. I hope you all know I always want you to be encouraged, find the beauty in all that you do even if it is potty issues, remember we were all babies once and it wasn't pretty then either LOL I will keep all of you in my prayers and speak to the Lord of you each by your own name. Keep the faith and no that it to will come to an end for all of you and you will have earned another star for your crown. I will miss this place but a girl has to do what a girl has to do no matter how old she is. Neon

Phyllis, you are an angel, and have earned your reward in heaven. Your dear mother was very lucky. So glad that you can feel relief and have the weight lifted from you and your families shoulders, and can now move on to the next chapters in your life. Good Luck, and God Bless You!

Hi Anne, I like reading and posting late at night by myself with no distractions. I even slept in today, didn't have to get up at 5:00am since the kids had another snow day, and added two days to their spring break. Whoop Whoop!!!!!

Neon, such a busy woman. Will be praying for you, and we will miss you terribly, always look forward to reading your posts, and makes us laugh. Take Care, Love Nauseated

Phyllis,
Sorry for your loss, but you are so blessed to have been given such a gift. You will never have regrets, not many people can say that. Edrex, keep strong and you are doing the right things by all your loved ones.

Neon, don't go away. This group really is a lifeline. Take a short break, but come back. I think you will see how much writing to each other helps. You have all helped me so much. Take care
lovingdaughter

Neon, don't give up! Look at your own advice. We need you!! Don't give up! Did I say that twice? Take a breather, but don't step out of a situation. Sometimes just hanging on by your nails is something still to hold on too.

You are right, it does end at some point. Do your best and do what you can. You know that we care, and we're only a post away. Sometimes it is best to step away from tasks, but even if you don't write here, journal in the privacy of your own home, bedroom, or dask I say it, even in the bathroom sitting on the toilet! I've stolen many a moment there! LOL

We definitely appreciate the prayers, but don't forget yourself in those prayers! God is not beyond helping you and giving you relief when you just think you can't do it anymore. I've been on the porch ready to get in my car and never come back, but there's always something (not dysfunction) that pulls me back. Maybe compassion, or plain 'ol co-dependency. Who knows?

We're here for you girl!! GO SISTAH!! :)

I don't know where to start. It's pitiful to see my once strong

I don't know where to start. It's pitiful to see my once strong, confident wife reduced to a weeping, helpless, terrified, angry in patient. I've chosen to trust the doctors who assure me that she will get better.

I've seen others recover when I thought they had no chance. My mother, against all odds, survived eight hospitalizations and life threatening surgeries that she was never supposed to recover from. Today was my mom's second day back at home. The moment I got back from a three hour visit with my wife who wanted to leave the hospital AMA (against medical advice), my mom called. Her caretaker had gone to the garage, fallen, and broken her foot. After all the time I put in making sure the place was safe so my mom wouldn't fall, her aide goes outside and breaks her foot!

My daughter holds it together really well until around bedtime. For months, our toilets overflowed every day. A plumber finally told us the kids weren't allowed to use wipes anymore. (Yes, even though they're toilet trained there was a convenience of sometimes using moist wipes instead of toilet paper.) My daughter has never really forgiven us for taking away her wipes. The last two nights she had a rash and begged me for wipes. I caved and let her have a couple of wipes from a secret stash. Tonight, I told her she could use two wipes but only if she folded them over so she could get two wipes out of each one. (Sorry if this is too much information.) She got so mad at me, she threw one of her used wipes at my chest. What a perfect symbol for the thanks we often get -- the crap we take for taking care of others. (Fortunately the wipe wasn't dirty, but she didn't know that when she wiped herself and then threw it.)

I can't be angry at my daughter. She desperately misses her mother and is beginning to worry that her mom will never get better.

I learned something new today. My wife made the kids folded paper fortune tellers in art therapy. She sent them home with a note telling them to write only good fortunes inside. They treasured the fortune tellers and filled them in. A little later my daughter drew on one her brothers' fortunes without asking him if she could. When he saw how her sister had defaced his fortune teller he was hysterical. I told him we'd make him a new one. One problem...

I am not an arts and crafts person. Though I've loved folded paper fortune tellers since I was about 7, I never learned how to make one... until tonight. Thank goodness for Google searches and on-line tutorials. I made myself and each of the kids a new fortune teller and the kids and I had some wonderful laughs learning our fates. One of my twins asked if he will ever get to have and play with a giant robot. The answer was: MAYBE! He hooted with joy and pumped his fist. And no one could stop laughing when I asked if I would have any more kids, and the fortune teller said: YES!

At bedtime, one of my 5 year olds had his foot in his mouth. I was horrified (and amazed at his flexibiity). He told me his toenails were too sharp. I don't think I'd ever clipped my boys' toenails before. But I knew I'd better learn how to do it now. Amazingly, I had a fingernail clipper in my pocket. I clipped the claws on his impossibly tiny toes even though I was scared that I was going to pinch off a piece of flesh. After clipping, I'd sand them down with the little file. He carefully checked my work after each toe and gave me his A-ok. (He made me re-do a couple of them.)

I'm learning so many new skills.

Another miracle. My wife just called. This was the most calm she's sounded for the entire week. (A few hours ago when she called it was the most panicked she'd sounded.) She told me she didn't take the anxiety medicine tonight. She'd calmed herself down. Wow. She's agreed to listen to the doctors and stay at least two more days.

And I found a replacement aide to stay with my mom tonight.

When I began this post I thought I was going to whine. Turns out it's two days in a row I can't complain.

Thank you all so, so much.

Edrex,
Good for you. No complaining

got cut off again!!!!

Have you told the administration at your daughter's school about your situation? You don't have to go into great detail, but her teacher should know. As a retired teacher, I can't tell you how many times I was left in the dark and needed some information to help a child. You can tell when something is wrong, but you can't help without knowledge.
I have not gotten to the point of no complaining and mom has been with me 3 1/2 years!!! So, I am impressed with your clarity and growing handle on the situation. Keep writing and we will continue to respond to your letters.
lovingdaughter

Great idea, lovingdaughter. I haven’t yet told the administration or her teacher. Despite my daughter wiping her butt and then throwing it at me, she really is an amazing kid. Bright, funny, resilient. She holds it together about 23 ½ hours a day, so thankfully she’s still a hardworking angel at school.

Today, she asked the folded paper fortune teller the question I knew she’d eventually ask: “Will Mommy get better soon?” She’s no dummy. She’d remembered that if you want a “YES” you pick the number 2.

And lovingdaughter, it's not like I never complain...

My wife has been in the hospital for a week now. And despite all the work running the house, managing the care of my wife and mother, taking care of the kids and managing their stress, and trying unsuccessfully to make the time to do the work I need to do – despite it all, I can’t remember my house ever being this peaceful. The stress level that my wife’s illness adds to this house is unbearable. This week the kids have all gotten up and dressed without any problem. For the first time ever, the kids have gotten to school on time. People keep coming up to me in the morning saying: “Your so early now!” The bedtime meltdowns last ten minutes at most instead of three to five hours. My kids get along so well with the woman I have who helps out with the children. (Yes, we are fortune enough to be able to hire a woman to help with the children.) My wife fights with her constantly and is always ready to fire her. I would not have been able to manage this household and look for work without this woman’s help. And when my wife does return home I can never tell her how much smoother things went when she wasn’t here.

I’m not a believer, but I’m praying for a miracle that my wife will be able to handle the daily stress of life without breaking down – for her sake and ours.

Time to feed the kids and take ‘em to karate.

Wow edrex, I am impressed, and was happy for you after I read your posts. Miracles can happen! Kids are the most amazing, and we learn so much from them, even at our age. They pull us through the hard times, with their resiliency. Hoping and praying that your wife gets through this, hopefully they don't send her home too soon, for hers and everyone elses sake. Maybe she needed this time away from home to see that things weren't so bad at home. (I hope) But hang in there, you are amazing. Nauseated

Edrex, finer words could not be expressed. You are getting a glimpse of what peace feels like even in the middle of such chaos. Without being a believer, which before I get ripped, is fine. Look at what you are asking? Is there really any reason to doubt at this point?

Mental illness is such a horrible thing anyway, but when it has to do with what I believed you have identified in more than just one of your statements, is that there is a problem with her (whether due to selfishness or a chemical imbalance). The ability that you have been given to provide for all those that surround you is incredible. Even if you are exhausted, okay, let me rephrase that.... since you are exhausted... look at the grace you have been given to do.

We all have a heart deep down to provide for those we love otherwise we would be like some of our other family members and walk away. You have your miracle already.... day at a time. :)

One miracle received, more to hope for! Edrex, you don't have to believe to receive God's grace. He is in the prayer answering, miracle granting business. Though to continue to receive is up to him. He loves you anyway. And so do we. Praying for you, your beautiful children, and your needy wife, for continued peace, blessings, and healing. Hope you don't mind if I believe.

Hi I have not been on for a while and should be getting ready for Church, after my surgery I found out I have serious restrictions no bend and no heavy lifting and my neck was found to be unstable om pre-op xrays so am trying to come up with aplan so the husband can come home and I can get the help I need with him and he is being a PIA which all of you nurses will know what that is and for the others it starts with pain and ends wirh --s. The social worker is great she has been in the treances with her late husband and now her Mom so she gets it which is only the second SW of the scores of them I have dealt with in the past few years-the husband is under care of a phyc doc and is now on meds-everyone tells me it is time for placement.

Dear Austin, we are praying for you. I agree, it is time for placement. You must be careful with your own health. Take Care,
nauseated