I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Austin, it sounds as if things are moving accordingly. Does your husband seem better on the meds or is he still a PITA? How have you been feeling besides your restrictions? Are these restrictions permanent?

Do what you need to do hon. You can't help another person when you are struggling yourself. It sounds like you have a good SW and thank God for one who gets it. Man those are rare.

Glad to hear though that things seem to be moving along. Glad you are doing better as well.

Hello All,

I hope everyone is doing well!! Neon--I hope you do not stay away--I am so busy everyday but I love coming here and reading and just feeling better when things get really hard. I hope you know we are hear if you need us and I will be praying for you and your family so take good care of yourself. Sorry you are so sad, I wish I could help in some way but if you need to vent or talk here is where I shall be!!

Edrex--you sound so well thank goodness for the peacefullness sometimes we don't know how stressed a situation is until we see what its like without it. Kids are aware of all things and they know when something is not quite right. I hope your wife can find her inner strength in order to raise her children and take care of herself and you of course.

Things are good for me today I just stayed home all day and my dad said what if I need something? I said then he will have to go get it. But no worries I will see him at first bells in the A.M. I am sure he could not pay his bills or put his pills together without me. I feel so wanted sometimes.

Take care every one have a good week!!
Alice

Hey Everybody

Hey Everybody,

Thank you to the people who wrote on my wall. (Sorry, I didn't get back to you earlier, but I didn't even know I HAD a wall till today.)

I lost it a little today. I took my kids to a Passover play this morning. (We're non-observant Jews. But when my daughter was 5 years old, without any prompting from anyone , she told us she wanted to learn Hebrew. We didn't want to join a temple, but somehow I found a very religious but totally non-judgmental Jewish organization that has been teaching her Hebrew and about Judaism.) The kids had a great time at the Passover play. Afterwards they learned how to make matzah (unleavened bread) from scratch.

i was so tired driving them home I nearly fell asleep at the wheel. When I got to a red light, this thought actually passed through my head: "I'm stopped. It would probably be okay to doze off for a few seconds here." Thankfully, I came to my senses and pulled over till I was sure I was safe to drive.

When we got home, I fed the kids. Exhausted, I was going to lay down for a moment when the phone rang. It was my mother. She's doing great. She sounds strong. She's in that manic stage when she overestimates her ability to take care of herself. I hired another aide to take care of her when the first aide broke her foot. My mom decided she didn't need help and sent the new aide home. She told the cat sitter i'd hired for her that she didn't need her anymore. As I mentioned earlier she tried to cancel the wheelchair I'd ordered for her. Every time I arrange something for her she either cancels the order or fires the worker. Then the next day, she'll realize she CAN'T take care of the cat alone. And she CAN'T give herself a bath. And she CAN'T drive herself to the doctor. And I've got to call all these people back and redo all the arrangements.

I know this doesn't sound like a lot, but there are 20 MUST DO things on her TO DO list and each one drains an hour of my life. Normally, this wouldn't be such a big deal. Except I have to drive more than an hour every day to visit my wife in the mental hospital and manage all of her psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, nurses, and therapists. Plus, kids need to be fed, washed, dried, chauffeured, read to, played with, toys need to be found, fixed, fights need to be mediated, homework needs to be checked, shoes need to be bought, zippers need to be unstuck, and Polysporine needs to be smeared onto cuts and scrapes on uncooperative, squirming bodies. And sometime, somehow, dad needs to carve out an hour or two to do some work so we can keep this American Dream going.

I could be doing a half an hour of work this minute... if I didn't need so desperately to vent right now. Maybe tomorrow. Only I've got to arrange the discharge for my wife. She's leaving the hospital even though she's clearly not ready to. She's going to stay at a friend's house because she knows she can't handle the stress of facing the kids.

My kids are great, cooperative, wonderful. But my wife's worried they'll be mad at her. And that bit of stress could send her right back to the pit of depression that landed her in the hospital in the first place. I'm praying (maybe HOPING is a more accurate word) that in the few days she stays with her friend, the medicines will become a little more effective. And maybe she'll finally learn at one of her daily support groups or therapy sessions how to center herself when faced with the stress the rest of us somehow manage to face.

Anyway, my original point was, that when my Mom called and gave me a list of aides she needed me to call back and re-hire I lost it and said something like: "You don't know what I'm going through. Maybe one of your other sons can make one of these phone calls. Your other sons who spend their f......ing lives on a golf course or watching f.....ing basketball. Maybe they can take an hour out of their lives and make a call for you."

Yep, I lost it. She's an old lady. She raised me. Sure, I was tired, but there's no excuse for that. I felt bad.

Okay, let me re-phrase that. I can be honest here, right? I know losing your temper and using profanity to your mom is not right... but, to be totally honest, I'm pretty sure I DIDN'T feel bad. What I felt was... relief. And last I checked, RELIEF is not one of the "bad" feelings.

Sure I shoulda called my brothers and told them what I needed from them WHEN I needed it. But in real life who does that? Who tells other people what they need in a timely fashion? I try. But just like everybody else, I don't even think i KNOW what I need till I blow up.

Mom actually took it pretty well. My brothers both called me later. (Mom had called them to tell them I was losing it.) I spoke with one of my brothers. I told him some of the things Mom needed done. He said he'd help. And by "help" he meant he'd ask his (grown) daughter to help with some of those things in a few weeks when she comes to visit.

It's an art really. I know this is the wrong group to ask: but how I wish, sometimes, I could learn to pass that buck.

You're not alone in that wish Edrex. You, as many, are in a very stress-filled situation, desperately needing help. I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I am also learning some things from your posts, so thank you. I hope you don't mind if my husband and I pray for you.

Oh I'm in for passing the buck, but sadly that is not my task in life, which I am learning to accept. Hang in there! Prioritize and share that priority list with others and if they (your mom or whomever does not agree), then they need to step up to the plate.

I've learned I have so much to do on a daily basis, I go for whatever fire is burning brightest or yelling the loudest at this point. One day I know I will see the end of the tunnel. Right now I think I'm at the entrance of a 50 ft diameter mile or longer tunnel to be quite frank. :(

Praying for you both. The valley may be dark, and the storms rage, but you're not alone. God be with you.

Edrex,
Pass the Buck!!!! Tell your brothers that they have to do, not their children. Get power of Attorney if you have not already. That is ,medical, real estate and financial POA. Also, put your name on any of her accounts and put the bulk into a Trust. Don't put your siblings on any of the accounts. You have the responsibility of taking care of mom's needs. They need not to know anything about her finances. Also, when you put money into a Trust, there is a 5 year look back. Hide as much as you can so that it there when you need extra money for her care.
Sounds calculating, but I am there now. My brother has taken what we call the " No Thank you portion" of her care, so we are even changing her Last Will and Testament soon. Good luck and keep writing!

Well, I suppose Agingcare did not receive my email about taking me away from the site so here I am. Just had to say in my case there is no one to pass the buck to and there aren't any bucks to pass anyway. I had to put my foot down this week end, Mother has lived with me 1 month shy of a year and she is still packed up and saving empty boxes for another apartment. She cannot live by herself. So I made the decision for her and I think she wanted me to I told her to put her winter clothes in the specified closet the summer clothes in the specified closet take the clothes off the door she has some kind of contraption over the door, I live in a old house and the weight is pulling the door down and messing with the door knob old glass kind and put the clothes away, she keeps buying more anyway. Take the empty boxes and put in the living room and start unpacking the boxes she has lined up all around her room and under her bed. She has her bird cage hanging her parakeet died, I've offered several times while we were at the same strip mall to let her buy another she has declined every time so told her the cage can go in the attic and she can hang a plant if she likes and if she didn't want to do it I would do it for her. I also bought her a computer and put it together so she can play solitaire oh boy she told me the mouse wasn't working LOL it was working alright she had the tools bar half way up the screen and down the side three icons for solitaire she tried to download antivirus program she has no dsl no sense confusing her all at once, seems she didn't know how to click the card and hold the mouse down and move the card and release the mouse. So after I cleaned that all up she said she was working on it seems to be alot of work she said to play a game LOL I told her practice makes perfect. Now if I could teach her to unload and load the dishwasher. Nothing compared to what edrex has on his plate, my heart goes out to you but do as these kinds souls tell you and save yourself a lot of grief. I am so sorry your wife is having so many issues. I know it is hard on the kids to. I suffer from depression myself but I pop my pills at least twice a day doesn't make it go away all the time, like last week but helps most of the time and I have always been the one to do everything for every one including their thinking so I have a good handle on keeping things running to the best of my ability, doesn't mean it always gets done when someone needs something but it all gets done eventually, actually I am slacking off because It will be here when I'm dead and gone and after last week I might be dead before the rest of em. LOL

Drove 200 miles each way this week to find out Mom has Lumpectomy surgery for Cancer on April 15th. They also found "something" on her lung, so did another CT Scan yesterday. She has severe back pain, and emphysema, and headaches. By the time it was all said and done yesterday, she was a crumpled mess, ready to go back to bed when we left. I felt sorry for her, but needed to get away, too. She needs more help, but we can't have her live here. Closer, maybe, but with the Cancer surgery, not a good time to move her away from all she's known for the last 52 years. She will need 6 weeks of Radiation 5 days a week, and doesn't drive. I live 3 1/2 hours away. Not a good scenario for any of us right now. At least I got their taxes done yesterday. One blessing. Guardian/Conservator 1st annual accounting due for Probate next. Can you say stress?!? At least Dad with Advanced Stage Alzheimer's is stabilized in the Nursing Home 4 minutes from my house right now. Can't wait to go see him today after two days of travel. Lord, will the emergencies cease soon? I'm weary from battle. Much prayer appreciated. Thank you. I know you're all weary, too.

Endrex there is nothing wrong with losing it now and then my 18 yr. old granddaughter calls it having a hissy-fit. Even God has rightous anger no one who has all to deal with you do can be calm -the husband is bi-polor and has personality disorder besides many many physical problems I once told him I could deal with anything as long as he treated me with respect-he will not or can't -now after him being disabled since the early 90's and being married 47 difficult years- the first 3 momths were ok I can't or won't be his main caregiver any more he has had so many- one more chances- and now I have had it he threatened to take all our bank accounts and put in his name-so I went and did it in my name-he had a cell phone that had 30 min a month and he went over by at least 100 min which is expensive so I suspended service-I use to be a mouse not anymore,

Austin,
Good for you. You get a round of applause from me. Take charge!!!! You have a life to save, your own. Take care and I will be thinking of you.
lovingdaughter

Neon-you can not leave us we and I need you comments and friendship I understand how hard life is for you and you have no time but you important to us here so please come on when you can girlfriend

Sometimes I feel invisible here. Just went to see the Dads after being away two days taking care of Mom. Dad had another "seizure episode" as we watched helplessly. They can't both be sick at the same time, can they? How much stress can a daughter take?

Hi Austin glad you think you need me apparently I'm still here.

Anne you would be surprised how much stress a daughter and I might now add a wife can take, to tell you the truth those bottles of pills I take everyday are starting to look more like friends than just pills, I am ready to cut the strings to both mother and husband and call it quits I've been holding it together for all my life now my husband has to act like a well choose a word anyone will do and I am ready to call it quits I have had enough. I am supposed to do everything, think for everyone and never make a mistake because if I do than he won't even talk to me so I don't think I have to take anymore I don't think I can take anymore I don't want to take anymore so I guess we will dismantle everything in my mind anyway and call it quits 38 years is a long time to walk on egg shells with one man and 60 years is a long time to walk on egg shells with a mother I can't take anymore I just can't. How's that for a comment??? so much for being wise and strong. After a while you get beaten down mentally and emotionally and just don't want to deal with it anymore. So I think its time to find homes for the pets, get rid of the house if I can of course, there is always foreclosure, find a small apartment for my mother and myself and find a second job and stay away from both of them as much as I can. At least for the moment thats my plan. As soon as I let my other half know he will not be receptive to the idea we've been down that road many times but I think this one will be the charm enough bs is enough bs. and thats how I got my degree!!

Dear Neon, I don't feel invisible at the moment. I am so sorry for your pain and struggle. If there is anything I can say or do, I'd like to help. We are all struggling to some extent, aren't we. I pray for wisdom and direction for you. I know you have had enough. Are you firm in taking care of Mom and you? Are there any other options. I wish rest and peace for you, and health for your Mom. What a tough situation. Thanks for answering and writing. I know a lot of people care about what happens to you. Take care of yourself, please. Know you are loved. Let us know how things are going.

Thank you! That was so needed. I appreciate your positive advice and approach. Just went to an Alzheimer's Support Group, and was given similar advice and many more helpful suggestions. You have confirmed just what we needed. Not a coincidence in my thinking. Atty, Rosenblatt, thank you! Would love to read your book, and will follow your link. Anne

Would it be ok for you to hire a caregiver? Though it would be hard to find a right person to care for all your relatives, but maybe this is good solution?

(((((((Neon)))))))) When a person gets shoved so far and finally reacts people are going to stand there and scratch their head or their ... well you get it.

As far as your husband (well using the term loosely), do what you need to do. Its never to late to start over, but this is coming from a person who is in a recovering verbally abusive marriage (oh the stories I could tell).

Your mother.... can you get her other assistance whether using her finances if able to do so? I would think at this point you have reached where you need to take care of you or else.... I shudder at that thought.

Hon, we're here, to vent to be honest and to just learn from each other. We do need you as much as you need us to love on you. Don't give up and talk with the social worker that helped get your husband help. They are a wealth of good information when you are blessed with a good SW.

Keep in touch!!

To everyone who fills the same shoes,

Keep remembering that you are valuable, and take time off when you need it. Go to your local church and see if anyone wants to earn some extra cash to give you a break. You will be amazed at how many people are willing to help. I have a network of helpers who have saved my sanity. Keep up the good work and remember that you are important to us all.
lovingdaughter

A network of helpers - what music to a caregivers ears. Churches are good places to look for help. Everyone needs relief. It's often hard to find. Lovingdaugher suggests one good souce.
Carol

Neon- you said what I feel -I have had it up to here with the husband. Last night at church the elder of our church saud he had gone to visit him in the NH and he was so postive about things I said he only screms and yells at me when I visit the elder said he does not yell at me I said he would not dare treat you like he does me- it just reenforces that I do not want him home it is amazing he can turn his hatefullness on and off- well if he comes home his friend the elder can take him to church I can no longer lift the w/c in and out of the care and lift his legs in and out of the car and push him up the ramp of church--I guess my back problems came in handy after all -even though the husband says I am faking it.

Well I've always been treated like dirt from my parents, and my husband when things don't go his way and its so laughable that when I get the problem fixed I don't get a thank you , kiss my ass or nothing, its just act like it never happened. he won't go see anyone he's perfect so I am done, I treated him yesterday just like he treated me the day before, I thru the piece of paper at him and he said oh no thats fine and I just kept right on walking. He got his supper thats all he and my mother are interested in the laundry is done and Ihave things to do this week end. I am now going to treat everyone just like they treat me. Ignore them unless I want something but vowed I will never ask for another thing. Looking for a part time job after this job so i won't have to be around the house, I always wanted a home but you can't have a home if there is no respect and no love so its just a house. I could care less about any of it any more not killing myself for him will get my bills paid off and he can do as he pleases. can't take me anywhere but sure can go out with his friends all the time and always has so he needss to pick up where he left off with his friends and get a life. He sits in front of the tv the whole time he is off work he is only working 2 days a week but if I get on the computer its different well I don't care. we have nothing in common he doesn't want to grow and I do have a church family but I can't always be whining to them either. they have their own problems from now on I am not making any decisions as they are all wrong and I'm sick of whatever you think as an answer so from now on he can make his own decisionsI'll do my wifely duty for the time being cook, clean and wash up and thats all I'm doing He wants something else he'll have to look for it some place else, not catering to someone who can't give me respect and the same goes to my mother. Well I'm done, my mind is made up no sense going on about it. When you're treated like crap than there is no reason for a relationship in my book, I will just stay a piece of crap until it suits me to change it and it will change just keeping my mouth shut and getting my ducks in a row. You all have a good day and like yours Austin mine wouldn't dare talk to anyone else like he does to me. I see the future his mother had alzheimers I took care of her while he was on the road he had nothing to do with her care and if he gets it someone else can deal with it I've had all I am going to take. I see his mother in him very much. my way or no way just the same as my mother, funny thing is they both have birthdays in Novemember. could it be november people?

IF he comes home I will continue shopping for what I want to eat and will cook because it calms me down but he will have to fix his own meals=warming up what I cook and I will eat when I want to and live seperatly in the same house as we did last year and come and go as I feel fit-I was very happy then I have a load of friends and have all you dear understanding friends only this time his laundry might be done so well and he can get his own cereal down from the pantry and put his soda in the fridge there will be desserts but maybe not what he likes my days as a rug to step on are over and if he gets manic at night I call the emergancy no for the psych group he use to go to. Neon you stay strong and so will I.

Neon and Austin, my hearts go out to you. It is actually a miracle you've made it for as long as you have. What people don't know about me is that I am married to a man who used to verbally abuse me (something fierce), and I am still married to the man to this day. Why?

Forgive me for those of you who do not believe, and that's okay, I'm going to put this out here anyway. Read it or don't.

Only God can provide the healing from something as severe as this. My marriage is far from lovey dovey but what is changing is the respect factor. Everything you ladies need to do is because God asked you to do it.

There are times my husband and I were in the midst of a heated discussion and I could feel at times I needed to stop and say I love him or just sit next to him. Do you know how hard that was when I felt like killing him? Especially after he just told me to F* off? Oh man...

Then I had to learn about boundaries. There's that darn word again. I would make choices based off of him, but when he would start to rage, I had to learn to respond (not react) calmly towards him. Sometimes he would rage like a hurricane and it is VERY easy for me to snap back. I'm defensive by nature and training. So to respond calmly??? OMG.... God had to keep a thumb on me.

It's opposite world thinking. All I knew is that when I read the scriptures God made one thing clear.... God only allowed divorce in certain circumstances (believe me I was tempted to prepare a few situations for my hubby), but the one thing that was in fine print between all the scriptures was anger. If my spouse is angry and leaves then I was free from the bondage.

In our house, God kept things together. My husband never walked out. But daily I made choices to do what God asked. It has NOT been easy whatsoever. There are days.... oh are there days. But now God has given me a different outlook and ability to deal with things. He provides a way out of situations because of my obedience to God.

I know I'm going to get ripped on for this, but I'm telling you, I've been close to divorce three times. I've had my parents preparing finances for me to be on my own. The opportunity was sure there. But it was honoring a commitment. I married a guy that believed differently from me, but I still loved him and still do. We are just now realizing how different we really are and having to respect that in each other. Also not easy to do.

Anyway ladies.... my prayers are with you both. I'm not sure what it will take or what you need to do, but I'm praying for you both. It sure is not easy. But believe it or not, there is hope when you seek.

I just received this email: "Stop telling God how big your storm is... Instead, tell the storm how big your God is !!!"

He can lift us when we're sinking, and calm the storms when the waves are crashing all around. God will walk beside us in the firey furnace, so even our clothes aren't singed. And he can lift us on wings as eagles to soar above the problems below. At others times, he walks beside us in the darkest valleys. He helps us over the wall during battles. The Holy Spirit gives us restraint, when we want to respond to insults and injustices. As we look to God, we can rise above evil and shine as lights in this dark world. On the potters wheel, we become clay he molds to make a vessel fit for his service. Praying you all have a blessed day!

Dear Mitzipinki,

I feel I must respond.

I too am a Christian I understand there is only one way for a divorce. I go to church Sunday morning sunday night I go to class on wed. eve. I do the research for all our VBS classes cradle roll thru adult.

I am very active in the church, everytime we have a fellowship I invite my husband, he does not want to be with those people. I have belonged to "The church of Christ" for 8 years now. I am a faithful servant of God. I to have over and over again treated my husbands outbursts of rage with gentleness and love. Knowing he gets over it within a day or two or after I have made everything okay. God did not say I have to be a doormat. At first he would attend worship with me now I know not to even ask. I look around me in church and see the couples who put Christ first and although they have problems they treat each other with "Love" and respect, all I am is a house keeper, do what needs to be done and excuse me a piece of A whenever he feels the need. If Ihave a need oh well just wait it will be addressed sooner or later. I have tried so hard to get my husband involved, lets have a date night, lets go some place together, but his job his friends are foremost in his life, we could have a vacation planned and if someone else wanted him to do something the vacation would be called off no matter what. I know its happened. If he feels like buying me something that is all that is necessary in his mind to show his love. I don't have to like it, I am a very caring, loving person you can ask anyone that knows me, but I am 60 years old and I am sick of people smiling at me and telling me they need me to do this, mother and husband and the rest of the week acting like I don't exist. I have wrestled with this so much the last six months as we are studying proverbs, I have hardened my heart, why, I am sick of having it hurt, I am sick of dissappointment, I am sick of working myself to death to enjoy what? lonliness, are you like me and know that you are stupid, I am called greedy, only because I want our bills paid yes some are mine, I've worked all my life since I was 15, am I not supposed to have anything? Or just what people think I should have? As of this date I will not buy another thing it only adds to the problem, as of this date I will do what I am supposed to do whether I like it or not but also as of this date I will not pretend that I love my husband anymore because I don't. I have tried to hold this marriage together for 38 years this is nothing new and everytime I think turn the other cheek, how many times are we to turn the other cheek as many times as it takes, I know I ;am not responsible for my husbands lack of growth. But we are two entirely different people and I wonder what I saw in him. I look at him and can't even stand to look at him anymore, I have been here many times, reworked my head, prayed and got what I thought was back on track only for this to happen over and over and over again. It is not going to change unless both want it to change, but you see he is getting what he wants from this relationship, I am not I can talk to him about it I have many times, it goes in one ear and out the other, why he doesn't care. If I leave oh my goodness its the end of the earth for him it changes for two weeks and we are back in the same rut so now what Do I get a chance to be who God made me to be or am I just a puppet? No I am not a puppet!!! I will honor God but I will not honor my husband anymore! He needs to have something happen to him to make him realize he needs to grow. I wonder if God will fix that I am at the point where I wonder a lot about God I feel my faith failing I keep going thru the motions so I don't fall but my heart is dead, dead, dead!

and in response to your earlier post I do not feel valuable I feel like nothing!

God loves you, Neon, and so do we.