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Neon, I believe I was misunderstood. I don't believe God wants anyone in an abusive marriage. Scriptures make enough provisions if necessary to do. I've been fortunate enough to heal mine and continue working on it. Some people however, make choices that force the hand of another. After as many years as you have talked about, I understand enough is enough.

What I think is irrelevant at this point.... abuse in any form needs to be stopped. Maybe this is his rock bottom as well. None of us would presume anything about your situation. Its wrong of us to do so. What we want is to see you get past all the hurts and to heal. It is so wrong for a person to be in this position.

My heart cries for you. Know that we support you and we care.
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Well said, mitzipinki! O Neon, you are so loved. Regardless of how we feel, God says you are precious in his sight. He made you and formed you in the womb, and will help if you trust and fear not (Isaiah 44:2). Only God can heal the broken hearted, and it was hardness of heart that allowed them to divorce. We know, though, that God can heal the hardest heart, the set the captives free. Neon, if there is anything we can do to show how much you're loved. We'll tell you every day. You have been doing a hero's job with your Mom and husband. Keep looking up for the help you need. He'll not leave or forsake you, ever. He can carry you when you're down, and lift you out of the darkest hole. He alone can give peace that passes understanding. We are here when you need to vent, but he hears your cry and gives you comfort and rest. Look up, and thank him for the opportunity for God to get the glory in all circumstances. You are the apple of his eye, and he will lead you. He will hide you under the shadow of his wings, from the wicked that oppress you, from deadly enemies, who compass you about. With their mouth they speak proudly, but God is bigger than all that. I know you're tired, but look up. God is not the author of confusion, and he will be your help. Do not tolerate abuse, and get help, if needed. Praying for you.
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Hi Girls,

I am so sorry for your troubles. I agree that one should never never stand for anykind of abuse and I know first hand that sometimes verbal abuse hurts worse than if someone smacked you in the face.

I hope you will find the confort you need, I have been in this situation before and know that it is never good and people usually do not change unless they want to. I am sorry it seems like after so many years your husbands are not going to change. You must take care of yourselves and love yourselves first because we can only take so much. And we all know that in caregiving their is lots of abuse and hurt feelings. You have been through much please think of yourselves first now its not to much to ask for peace in your homes this is what we deserve.

I am here for you and praying for you--I don't think God wants anyone to tolerate any kind of unhappiness for so long. Take care of yourselves neon and mitzipinki I have you on my mind and have hope for you now. You can overcome anything you want and will be happy for it.

Put yourselves first for once and take steps to allow for your happiness.

Alice
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I am also a active Christen but it comes to the point the verbal abuse really gets to you and he does treat almost as bad in public inc. Church and put me down as often as he can-one of my friends at church said why get a legal seperation you are already emotionaly seperated and I am not moving out of my house so he tells me he can take care of himself so when the aides are not here that is what he can do- and I am going to do what is best for me God never promises us another day here on earth. I do want to hear any commets you want to say to me and others in my place and I take everything to heart and I do not want a hearden heart but honestly it is at times and the Bible is center in our little PCA church which is a reformed church reformed from the PCUSA that was formed in the 50's and goes back to the early Presbyterian Church and came up to the NE from the south our first pastor planted our present church.
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My heart goes out to all you ladies who suffer from the devasting effects of abuse. I too, was there, once. Thank God it is in my past and God gave me a wonderful husband the second time around. Too bad I didn't know God the first time, or as a child. But God can heal. I am sure his heart is grieved when one of his children is abused by a man, or a parent. Somehow we got off the subject of this thread, but somehow it also all ties in together. I suffered at the hand of an abusive and neglectful mother as a child, which led me to rebellion and poor choices in my teen years. It is this same mother who needs my help, now. She will not be able to move in with me, though, because she is still the mean-spirited, selfish person she was. Only older with lots of health problems. It is only by the grace of God that I have the compassion to try to be of help to her in her distress. I am Guardian and Conservator for her. It is a challenging position for two who struggled for the last 51 years. But God called me to serve, and that I will do, with his help, and the help of my wonderful husband, until my mother no longer needs it. She is a Presbyterian, still, and puts her faith in things other than Christ alone. So even spiritually, we struggle. But as God's child, I am called to honor my mother and my father. So that I will do. And I will pray for those of you who are struggling with your difficult situations, as well. Thanks for sharing your stories, ladies, and your prayers.
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Neon,
I do not believe that we should put others first and at the same time ignore our own needs. Those of us who care for our family members are a different breed than those who do nothing. Just because we care for others does not mean we should not care for ourselves. No matter what your religious beliefs are or are not, no one has a right to destroy our hopes and dreams. When we let our children see how we allow others to put us down and treat us like we are of no value, we are sending our children really bad messages. My daughter is so proud of me because I have stepped up to the challenge and at the same time, have not ignored my own value and self-worth. She is getting all the right messages because I take care of myself while caring for others. My husband is a good man who does not expect me to make unrealistic sacrifices for him and the others in my life. This did not come easy. I had to fight the accepted conventions of our society to get where I am today. Our mothers are of a different time and place. My mom was a WWII bride who always put her husband first, her children as well. She put herself last and expected that of me. Big surprise for her when she moved in! Now she sees that my life is full because I have made it that way. Never ever let anyone put you down!!!!!! You area wonderful person who does so much for others. Do for yourself. It will give you surprising results.
Linda ( lovingdaughter)
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An additional note: being a Christian, or a member of any church does not make us immune from troubles and difficulties. For those of you who are Believers, you have faith, and I encourage you to pray for those who don't, and who desperately need God's help. For those of you who are not Believers, in what do you place your hope? Dealing with some of these sensitive issues leads us to rely on others, and hope for help or something better. Our parents won't always be here, and we have only this chance to try to mend and heal the broken places. It is here we can help, and here we can forgive. How much should we forgive? 70 times 7. Then we can rest. Until then, our elderly and ailing parents needs us. We can choose to make a difference. Thanks for reading. A
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lovingdaughter, didn't mean to make it look like I was ignoring your post. Yours came in as I was writing an addendum to mine. You are right that we should not ignore our own needs. As Christians, we are to love our neighbor as our selves. That doesn't necessarily mean my needs come first. It depends on the situation. I need to go to church, (for my personal spiritual growth) but if my mother needs surgery, I put my needs behind hers. She is very nasty to me at times, but that doesn't mean I am not to serve and help. It is difficult for me, but God is bigger than that, and he helps me. I remove myself from Mom in order to set boundaries, but I can't neglect her because she is cognitively deficient, feeble, old, with failing health. I don't have to take her into my home, and put her into a hotel when she visits. Sounds mean, but she brings a contentious spirit, and that is not welcome in my home. So I care for her, with limits. In the end, we will all stand before God for what we do, and every knee will bow, whether we want to acknowledge his authority or not. Still, he made us and that is the way it is whether you believe or not. So it doesn't so much matter what we think or what we believe, as much as it matters what God says. Jesus commands us: Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. (Matthew 22:37-41). Whether you believe that or not is up to you. And while God will not force us to love him, he will hold us all accountable for following his Word. Especially those who have heard it. He never said that we are to put ourselves first. As for abuse, and abusive people, often we are to turn the other cheek. Or call the authorities, whom God put there to protect us. God's ways work better than man's...always! And he said, "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine
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Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. (Matthew 22: 18-19). I am not advocating taking abuse. My Mom stays in a hotel when she visits, because she brings with her a contentious spirit. She fights with me, my poor suffering Dad who has Advanced Stage Alzheimer's. And I have to protect him from her, and me from her. That is what the authorities are for, if need be. But I am a caregiver, by choice, and by calling. I choose to care for my Mom and for my Dad. I choose to care for them because it is right to honor my parents, regardless of what they do for me in return. They gave me life, and God commands I honor them. He didn't say I have to bring Mom to my home. I choose not to for my own sanity, and for the peace of my home and family. I tape record our conversations, because she is abusive. I remind her that I am taping conversations at times, because she has told people I am abusing her. I am not. I am caring for her needs, both physical and financial. And I usually always have my husband with me for a witness and my protection. Hope that clears things for some of you struggling with similar situations. In love, Anne
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I believe that there is a special place in heaven for those who care for others. Just remember to take care of yourself because if you don't, you won't be there for the ones who need you!
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I have a question for anyone who posted a commnet especially Pkpurs if your parents are on any alzheimer/memory type drugs and a sleeping pill.

My mother was put on one drug and it made her so mean and violent. She screamed, pulled on doors to get out, would not bathe, always hungry and would not be at rest all day until we gave her the sleeping pill (when she woke in the morning she looked horrible, like she never slept). She had bed wets everynight which was unusual. She seems in torment! My family remembered back when these things were not nearly this bad. So we removed her from the medications and now we have peace. She still cries so we use a mild relaxation medication. She still does has moments of don't touch my head, stop this and that but nothing like the episodes of the medications. We chose not to replace those meds
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My Dad was extremely violent, and angry and just plain weird. He was wandering and placed in a Geriatric Psychiatric Ward, then a Nursing Home. He stayed in bed, wouldn't eat, wouldn't shower, and threatened the nurses who tried to care for him. He also had some incontinent issues. This went on for 8-9 months, until recently, when everything changed. He is in a new facility, and they have adjusted his meds. They took him off Namenda and Aricept, and put him on an anti-depressant, called Celexia (not sure of spelling). He is a different man today. He is content, social, eating again, not angry or combative, and laughs a lot. The whole nursing staff are amazed at the changes in him. He gives the girls a kiss on the cheek, and takes his meds without a fight. He is involved in activities, and gets out of bed. He talks to the other residents, and housekeeping all of a sudden, and just seems more pleasant than he has been since starting Aricept in 2003. There was a fear that he would decline when taken off the Alzheimer's meds, but he declined so rapidly while on them, that it was worth the risk, especially seeing how he may have some joy in the current stage of his disease, and have some good memories to leave behind for loved ones. He will get worse, we're told, and he will die. We all do eventually. But the med change has been a blessing for him. Sorry I didn't wait for Pkpurs to post. Perhaps she has some other ideas that will help as well. A
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Unfortunatly verbal abuse is allowed and acepted these days and no authorties will step in that is why I had to separarte myself from him and let the machine get the calls now that he is using a pay phone I have to use called ID which is on my phone to not anawer even when I listen to the calls later they make me sick -such anger and meanist I have not heard since the MIL was on earth. My son told me not to erase the messages if it keeps up I may turn off the answering machine-I do not need this with all my medical problems to deal with.
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Dear Austin, I am so sorry to hear about the heartaches you are going through. I am praying for you. God will step in if you ask him for help. I know, because I asked God to help me several times, and he did. Ask expecting God to help. You will be amazed! He loves to care for those in need, and I believe you are in that category. It breaks the hearts of your sisters on this site to hear about your difficulties. If there is anything we can do or say to encourage or be of help, please let us know. Lots will pray for you, I'm sure, right ladies? (And gentlemen?) Do protect yourself, and perhaps get some legal counsel as well. If my State Policeman friend and Pastor knew of this situation to one of our church members, they'd probably be paying a visit to hubby... Get my meaning??? In fact, my Pastor suggested I purchase a little hand held digital voice recorder to tape some of the conversations with my abusive Mom. It fits in my pocket. When she talks, I record, just in case, to protect myself. By law, I had to tell her I'm recording her, and she actually behaves better now, but not always. And she sometimes forgets that I'm recording. (You only have to tell them once.) If I ever need proof, I have it. Downloaded to my computer, it's a good thing to have when it's their word against yours. And it's also a good idea to keep yourself from vulnerable situations. I'm never alone with Mom, if I can help it. If hubby gets physical with you(hope not)...run, use the phone, etc. Take care of yourself, and definitely ask for help.
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He no longer gets physical that was reported when the kids were small, he is careful to harrass me on the answering machine and JUST give zingers and jabs only and say disrespectfull things but nothing that I could report.
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Glad I found this place.
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Glad I found this place. My Dad has always been a mean and selfish person so I've limited my exposure to him somewhat. However, the past few years, he has required some major surgeries and has come to my house to recuperate. He is needing another surgery in a few months and I dread going thru this again. He goes to the VA hosp here. He is pleasant sometimes to the nurses and staff. but at other times, he calls them bitches to their face and argues with them, calls them stupid. It's not only embarrassing but infuriating. He creates his own problems by offending the people who are the caregivers. He takes his anger and resentments about everything out on others and blames everybody but himself. Thanks for listening.
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Thanks for sharing this with us, dogmama. You at least know your aren't alone. You'll find a lot of company with these issues. Your dad's personality may get even worse is he is in any stage of dementia. Sometimes, with people who've always been difficult, it's hard to tell.

Keep coming back and sharing your story. The support will help, and you may pick up some ways to protect yourself. You need not suffer abuse from anyone, but it take courage to stand up to it all.

Take care,
Carol
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dogmama,

we need to share and this site lets us do just that. Can you find someone to share the burden, church, friend, paid caregiver? Ask the hospital what your options are before he is released. The VA has help we don't even know about because the information is not always readily available. Good luck.
lovingdaughter
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Hello,
I hope everyone is doing well! I have had a full week as always and I am super tired. I believe my dad is going downhill and fast. He is mad at the doctor because she told him that their is no magic pill that is going to cure his liver disease. And she told him that they have been telling him all along about his eating habits and how important his sugar being stable is. Well as usual he always knows better then they do. So needless to say he is getting worse off and is starting to be in pain and does not like it. He is having trouble breathing also and this is what worried me the most. He was in the hospital two weeks ago and they told him his heart was fine and no fluid in lungs or CHF. So all the swelling is from the liver now and his legs and feet are huge and his breathing is so bad.

So they are saying their is nothing they can do for him now. I just don't know what else to do.....I'm a little scared because I don't know what to expect next. I take him to the liver doctor on tues but he told me last time this was the start of his liver failure. Everything I have read and been told no one can tell me what to expect or what 's next,

So I don't know I just wish I knew what an when things were going. Does anyone know of this kind of disease and the outcomes? I know that everyone is different. However, I feel the time is near and I don't know if i'm ready yet. I gues I'll have to get ready.

Talk to you later----Alice
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Dear Alice, it doesn't sound good. Our prayers go out to you at this very difficult time. All I can tell you is, to make your father as comfortable as possible, and make sure he knows you love him. No matter how much we try to prepare ourselves, we are never ready when the end comes, because we don't know the unknown. Take care, you are not alone. Hugs to you, Lisa
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Dear Alice,

Take care of yourself. I know how you feel. All of us here are praying for you and your dad. Take time to get some sleep and surround yourself with the ones you love. Thinking of you,
Linda
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Thank you all above who understand what I and several ladies in this group and perhaps some men go through. I know being a Christian DOES NOT protect you from troubles but you do have a kind loving father to go to with your troubles -I do a lot of praying on my walks-we are lucky to have miles of paved trails where long ago smaller trains went through the two counties I have to use my cane because I have fallen a few times on it, I did ask my doc that operated on me to put it in writing what my limitations are -the husband- said I was faking it all because he was not home when I had the surgery- he even wrote more restrictions then I was aware of. I do not love him any more -how could I after all the abuse I have received from him over the years and the verbal abuse still is present-every time he leaves a phone message there is a zinger or dig or putdown my son said I need to talk to him I will but not alone with just us-he would not give me a chance to talk and would not consider anything I say important anyway. We have been married 47 yrs within 3 months I started getting badly treated but in those times people did not talk about it-and it was me who stopped the hitting and kicking of me and the kids by reporting it to a therapist and he really did not want me to say anything he tol me to be very careful how I answered his questions ans then asked if that was the truth and said he would report it and someone would call on us but instead wrote him a letter and I knew what it and called the therapist and asked if he wanted us killed because he always said rhat and he said the letter was a mistake and someone would come to the house at a certain day which happened-a big dude my husband took it well at first then moved out a day or two later to live with his mother and she was shocked what I had done even though she had told me she was going to report him herself so I let him believe she had done it. That was about 30 yrs, ago thank goodness things are a little better now in this day and age-women like me would get more support now and our husbands do not OWN us now.
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Dear sweet Austin, you are a wonderful woman! The talking to the man, will never do any good. Place him, and leave him, so you can enjoy the rest of your life without the undeserved abuse, verbal abuse is still abuse. But I nor anyone else has to tell you, because you have lived with it, and way too long. You take care now, and Love and Hugs to you. Lisa
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Austin, No one wants you to be abused. You have been supportive, and now it is your time to live!!!!! Bless you and take care.
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Dear Austin, I know its hard to see it now, but how sad that your husband does not realize what he is doing. I think that's what I grieve most about. They have no clue how deep the insults or snide remarks cut to our spirits. I used to get really mad, but I see deep down that he does not know better. It still does not make it easy to forgive and it definitely cannot be forgotten.

You do what you need to. You are right, being a Christian does not guarantee us to have no problems. What it does assure us, which its two-fold, but I'll stick to topic, is that He will always provide. Granted we have to do our part as well.

God did not create us to be doormats and abused. What I would suggest although probably seeming impossible at this point, is to pray for him while doing what you need in order to provide peace in your life. Work on forgiveness because he doesn't really know what he's doing (yeah, don't ya just wonder). It's a way of life for him now. That's a tragic thought in itself.

Take a deep breath, calm yourself, and hold fast. Do what you need to take care of things accordingly. They will not always be easy choices, but down the road you can look back and say you got through it. Take care of your health and sanity! :)
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Hello and Happy Easter to Everyone;

Do you believe I just wrote for like ten minutes and my post went away. Anyway--Happy Easter to everybody I hope its enjoyable for everyone!!

Dad made me an Easter basket at 42, and it was so sweet. He said he did not know what he would do without me. I feel so sorry because he is in so much pain all the time I wish I could do something for him. I guess being their is the best thing. He was going out to dinner with his brother and we went to breakfast this morning it was a nice day!! They decided to stay and eat at my dads because they we both not hungry and I was glad because I think he needs to stay home and keep his legs up. They are still so full of fluid and not coming down and his breathing is so bad. We go back to the doctor on Tues so I hope they might have something to help him.

Well--enjoy the holiday and take care of yourselves. God Bless

Alice
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Hello and Happy Easter to Everyone
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Dear Alice, mitzi, naus, Carol, lovingdaughter, dogmama, and ladies... God bless you for all you do. Alice, I was so touched by your Dad making you an Easter Basket. I took mine to an Easter Service at his Nursing Home today. He got up in the middle of it to hug a kitchen worker in the other room, then came back. Alzheimer's is stealing my Dad. I haven't told him that Mom (still home) has Cancer surgery on Wednedsay. He doesn't even ask about her. I don't know what to expect, or what to do with her, but she told me last week that she's ready to move. Difficult days! Prayer appreciated. Thank you!
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Hope you all had a good Easter. My girlfriend just posted a message on my email, saying my Mom was going to ER by ambulance, and that the girlfriend was going to take care of her dog after work. I was going down tomorrow for her Wednesday surgery. Instead I am packing now. She lives 3 1/2 hours away. Please keep us in prayer. It will be a long week, and we don't know what to expect. My husband and son are sick, so I'm traveling alone. Mom's a mess, and it will be hard to do it all alone. Please pray for us. Thank you. Hope all is well with all of you. Seems there haven't been many postings lately.
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