I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 2 1/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Be safe.
Linda
Carol
Anne, so happy your mothers test come back ok, wishing you good thoughts on Wed you are in my prayers.
Today I have to bring my dad to the doctor and am looking forward to seeing if their can be any relief for him. I'l a little scared the answer is no but I would love to know what to expect. I really do not like the way some doctors pass the buck and will not commit to any answers. I just want a straight answer for once! If this is the end I want to know what to expect and what kind of time frame.
Well, I hope every body has a good day today!!! Thanks for listening again.
Alice
Strange that you should mention this, as that is my next article topic. It's so common - that and living in filth and not throwing anything away.
Sometimes a third party can help with the clothing and bathing. They get angry with family members, which is why he responded with anger, but that is so hurtful to you. I think that they feel they've lost so much control over their lives, and then we want to control their showers, their haircuts and their clothing! From their point of view we're just bossing them around.
Is there any friend who can charm him or bribe him (hey, shower and put on this new shirt and we'll go out to lunch?) It gets tricky, but trickery is sometimes the only option.
I wish I could wave a magic wand with an answer, but it will be guess work. Everyone is different. I would suggest trying a non-family member as an approach, though.
Carol
Take care and please keep us posted. These are common problems, so along with wishing you well with your current (and future) challenges, your tuning in a sharing with us will help others with your suggestions.
Carol
I had the same problem with my dad. He was 92 years old and did not take showers at all. His nurse from hospice got him to bathe, take full showers and wash well in between showers. I couldn't get him to do a thing! Carol is right. An outsider is best. Dad had a cute health aid who he adored and would cooperate for her. It is tricky. I would take his clothes away, wash them and then we would put them back on, none the wiser. It got to the point that he wouldn't even give up his dirty underwear. I have mom now and she takes a shower everyday because she in incontinent, and I am brutally honest with her about the smell.
Good luck,
Linda
Lovingdaughter
I have been so busy and I see everyone else is also. Neon, good luck with your mother's move. I wish you some peace and quite I wish I had more. I feel so run down lately. I have been studying every minute in between dads every need. He has been sick lately with huge swellen legs that won't go down because he won't stop the salt and bad food. And he just wishes a doctor would tell what is wrong with him!!!
That's what makes me so mad--all 10 of his doctors have told him NO salt but he won't listen because he knows everything. Anyway--he is trying a little now so that's good.
Well ladies only 6 weeks until I finish my first degree and go back to work. I just want to get to normal and work and live normal and I keep telling dad he will have to rely on not only me and he keeps saying just go to work. OK I'm going.
Anyway--my cousin has been helping more so that had afforded me more much needed study time. I still go over their every day at least 2 times to put his sox on his legs. I don't think it will ever end.
But the weather is so beautiful and I love it and am looking forward to getting walking again soon before I gain another lb. I am so glad winter is over finally. I only dread the spring clean up that I have to do soon.....and I will once again. I look forward to opening all the windows and airing out the house and cleaning windows and the rest for the summer.
Hope everyone is doing good. Have a great weekend its beautiful...
Alice
I have been going for 5 years. I would have been done long ago if not for the responsibility of taking care of my dad. Sometimes I just cannot think when I have all his health problems on my mind.
But hey I am just about to the end and cannot wait to start my new career. At 42 I hope I am going to have enough time to save for retirement which is the main reason I want back. I am in Michigan and worked for the (you guessed it) auto industry for years. I just wanted something I knew I had a good skill for.
So I am excited about to embark on a reinvention of myself that has been in the making for 5 years and I can't wait to start working.
Thanks for the encouragement. Its beautiful outside and I love it--enjoy the weather ladies.
Alice
But you do have choices. As a child providing for a parent, it is especially difficult. We make choices out of obligation instead of weighing out of checks and balances. Some people are wonderful at caregiving and providing for their parents. Others need major assistance while caregiving. Some can't do any of it and need the help of a nursing home or assisted living facility. There is nothing wrong with any of them.
Your first priority is to your family. You cannot give anyone 100% when you are divided so many ways. When I feel trapped, I retreat. I hide from everyone and I don't listen to anyone either. Are you trapped emotionally?
As I've stated over and over again on these boards, love is about tough choices. There is no perfect answer and there is no choice that goes along with caregiving that probably does not include tears.
But investigate your options, make your mother part of the decision when searching (if she is competent), and work together. Maybe she feels she is being treated like a child instead of an adult. So don't give up, and decide what is best for all in this. It will involve tough choices and a lot of love.
Carol
I will say this from what I've learned about my mother... there is no way in hell my mother would talk to my family like that no matter how much I love her (you'd have to read all my posts to understand that statement). I think I would get a free consultation with an elder law attorney on how to handle this situation.
As for care, sometimes you can only go so far. My mother, due to her own psychotic behavior (undiagnosed at the time), got herself into her own mess and into the geriatric psych unit. My mother forced my hand to put her into assisted living. My mother also did nothing to help my father with Alzheimer's because she was so selfish and in denial about dad's condition, that he's gone so down hill there's no turning back or even maintaining.
Each decision I made, no matter how difficult, I made off of my mom's decisions. I still gave her my best at every level even if it was her own doing. I've cried, I've done it stone-cold, but through my own counseling, I've come to realize I cannot get blood from a stone.
You have to resolve what works in your heart. I can't say that you shouldn't care for your mother, but I found in my own life, I could not do it. I took care of dad for three weeks. I could not do it. I do not feel the guilt. Dad is much happier now and socializing, eating and being cared for 24/7. Mom is still mom, but I also know that she is also provided for and she cannot hide from the help that she so desperately needs.
Tough choices hon and tough love. You have to decide what you can live with. My mom still is hostile towards me over moving her into assisted living (and I'm an only child), but when she has her good days I give her the tolerable time. When she's miserable, I leave.
I wish I could give you a solid answer but all of us here have made extremely difficult choices. Seek God is my recommendation.
Keep in touch... we're all here for you.
It feels really good to tell someone all of this. As an only child I have never felt onlyier :-)
Carol
Dear Austin, great advice! If we don't take care of ourselves, we cannot expect to be able to take care of others. I too cannot take the strain of caring for my father due to my own health concerns. I feel if I continue too much longer, just the stress alone may do me in physically, and mentally. So think hard about it, and don't feel guilty that you can't do it all. None of us can, because we are only human.
Its very lonely out here. I am glad I found this site.