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Anne,
Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Be safe.
Linda
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Take care, Anne and be safe. We are with you in spirit.
Carol
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Thank you dear ladies. I'm at the hospital with Mom now. All her test results came back OK. Still awaiting one. She's on oxygen for COPD, and major pain meds. She's afraid the headache will come back if they send her home. Cancer surgery Wednesday. I drove 200 miles solo cuz my husband and son are sick, so I'm not thrilled to be here alone, with Mom at her house. But she needs someone. I will have internet withdrawals once we leave this hospital. Thank God I have a phone to talk with my hubby, but I really wish he were here. Mom will try my patience and compassion. Wish my better half were here! We are eager to know what to expect concerning her Cancer surgery, and PET scan results for lymp node detection. Sad when parents decline.
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Hello,

Anne, so happy your mothers test come back ok, wishing you good thoughts on Wed you are in my prayers.

Today I have to bring my dad to the doctor and am looking forward to seeing if their can be any relief for him. I'l a little scared the answer is no but I would love to know what to expect. I really do not like the way some doctors pass the buck and will not commit to any answers. I just want a straight answer for once! If this is the end I want to know what to expect and what kind of time frame.

Well, I hope every body has a good day today!!! Thanks for listening again.

Alice
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Can anyone tell me how to nicely get my elderly family member to wash himself. He also wears several layers of clothes and I can't get him to remove them to wash them. I don't want to treat him like a child but he smells, he still lives alone but not for much longer. I just took him on a vacation and before we left I suggested he get a hair cut. He tells everybody he was ordered to do it. I feel awful. If I hadn't stepped in to take care of him he would have lost everything. I'm just feeling really sad and frustrated.
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Hi Wildwind,

Strange that you should mention this, as that is my next article topic. It's so common - that and living in filth and not throwing anything away.

Sometimes a third party can help with the clothing and bathing. They get angry with family members, which is why he responded with anger, but that is so hurtful to you. I think that they feel they've lost so much control over their lives, and then we want to control their showers, their haircuts and their clothing! From their point of view we're just bossing them around.

Is there any friend who can charm him or bribe him (hey, shower and put on this new shirt and we'll go out to lunch?) It gets tricky, but trickery is sometimes the only option.

I wish I could wave a magic wand with an answer, but it will be guess work. Everyone is different. I would suggest trying a non-family member as an approach, though.
Carol
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Thank you Carol, that's a start. I just felt that involving outside people was like airing your dirty laundry. But I guess if it gets the job done I need to swallow my pride and ask for help from someone that's not a family member. Probably another male would be a better idea also. This is the first time I've had to deal with this and I think I have been treating him like he's deaf(which he's not) and like he's a child and that probably makes him more frustrated than me. Thanks again for your suggestion.
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You are welcome. You'll find, as time goes on, that there are things that others do better than family members, and sometimes that's hard to get used to. We're used to "doing for our own." But he has pride, and I expect this is a way of showing he won't be pushed around. Yes, a male friend may be best, if you can figure that out.

Take care and please keep us posted. These are common problems, so along with wishing you well with your current (and future) challenges, your tuning in a sharing with us will help others with your suggestions.

Carol
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Thanks Alice, and all. Praying for your Dad and you.
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Wildwind,
I had the same problem with my dad. He was 92 years old and did not take showers at all. His nurse from hospice got him to bathe, take full showers and wash well in between showers. I couldn't get him to do a thing! Carol is right. An outsider is best. Dad had a cute health aid who he adored and would cooperate for her. It is tricky. I would take his clothes away, wash them and then we would put them back on, none the wiser. It got to the point that he wouldn't even give up his dirty underwear. I have mom now and she takes a shower everyday because she in incontinent, and I am brutally honest with her about the smell.

Good luck,
Linda
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Hope all is well with all of you. Easter was a nice break, but it is back to the usual rat race. Now that the nice weather is upon us, we can all take a break, take a walk, and clear our heads. Have a good week.
Lovingdaughter
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Well this seems like the appropriate thread, my mother is moving back to the apartment complex she didn't like in the first place???? She hasn't packed one thing yet and is already whining about her pain, well what about mine. She doesn't seem to realize that I make all the calls do all the running pack the majority of her stuff and than move it and unpack it and settle her in than go home and redo my house mememememe but I feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my sholders and she is going to have a white board next to her phone with all the phone numbers and she can have her meds delivered. I will take her shopping twice a month and to her doc appointments and pop in occasionally it will be a huge relief. She asked me what I thought I told her I thought nothing this had to be her decision not mine. So she said okay than I'll move. yippee
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Answered prayer for you and her! Keep your cool with her, and be gentle with both of you. You know how hard moves can be, and then adjustments. You will both have some reprieve and peace. Praying for your move. Yeah!
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Dear lovingdaughter, "rat race"? I agree with you. The nicer weather promises hope that we can get outside for some refreshing after a long winter, and perhaps even invite our loved ones to join us for some fresh air. I love Spring!
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Neon- how are things going with the move. I wrote my update on my wall I feel guilty venting you all have it so much worse than me.
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Hello Everyone,

I have been so busy and I see everyone else is also. Neon, good luck with your mother's move. I wish you some peace and quite I wish I had more. I feel so run down lately. I have been studying every minute in between dads every need. He has been sick lately with huge swellen legs that won't go down because he won't stop the salt and bad food. And he just wishes a doctor would tell what is wrong with him!!!

That's what makes me so mad--all 10 of his doctors have told him NO salt but he won't listen because he knows everything. Anyway--he is trying a little now so that's good.

Well ladies only 6 weeks until I finish my first degree and go back to work. I just want to get to normal and work and live normal and I keep telling dad he will have to rely on not only me and he keeps saying just go to work. OK I'm going.

Anyway--my cousin has been helping more so that had afforded me more much needed study time. I still go over their every day at least 2 times to put his sox on his legs. I don't think it will ever end.

But the weather is so beautiful and I love it and am looking forward to getting walking again soon before I gain another lb. I am so glad winter is over finally. I only dread the spring clean up that I have to do soon.....and I will once again. I look forward to opening all the windows and airing out the house and cleaning windows and the rest for the summer.

Hope everyone is doing good. Have a great weekend its beautiful...

Alice
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Alice-good for you going back to school and knowing you can do is so great -I went back in my 40's and only took 5 classes but I am glad I did it now looking back.
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Thanks Austin

I have been going for 5 years. I would have been done long ago if not for the responsibility of taking care of my dad. Sometimes I just cannot think when I have all his health problems on my mind.

But hey I am just about to the end and cannot wait to start my new career. At 42 I hope I am going to have enough time to save for retirement which is the main reason I want back. I am in Michigan and worked for the (you guessed it) auto industry for years. I just wanted something I knew I had a good skill for.

So I am excited about to embark on a reinvention of myself that has been in the making for 5 years and I can't wait to start working.

Thanks for the encouragement. Its beautiful outside and I love it--enjoy the weather ladies.

Alice
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I talked my mom into moving in because it was the right thing to do. Now when I come home I go straight to my room. At almost 50. I dont know how to get out of this, my family doesnt understand why I feel this way. There isnt anyone else to care for her, just me. She refuses a nursing home, she refuses to let me do anything. She is nosey and listens to everything and make snide remarks about everyone. I feel like I am losing my mind. My choices are to continue like I am or to kill the relationship that I do have. She cant live alone and medicare will take everything that she owns. Its a no win situation.
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Crislynp, if you made this decision without consulting your family, its probably a major reason why you feel the way you do. It makes for no support when others aren't in and agreeable to a situation.

But you do have choices. As a child providing for a parent, it is especially difficult. We make choices out of obligation instead of weighing out of checks and balances. Some people are wonderful at caregiving and providing for their parents. Others need major assistance while caregiving. Some can't do any of it and need the help of a nursing home or assisted living facility. There is nothing wrong with any of them.

Your first priority is to your family. You cannot give anyone 100% when you are divided so many ways. When I feel trapped, I retreat. I hide from everyone and I don't listen to anyone either. Are you trapped emotionally?

As I've stated over and over again on these boards, love is about tough choices. There is no perfect answer and there is no choice that goes along with caregiving that probably does not include tears.

But investigate your options, make your mother part of the decision when searching (if she is competent), and work together. Maybe she feels she is being treated like a child instead of an adult. So don't give up, and decide what is best for all in this. It will involve tough choices and a lot of love.
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Thanks and yes I feel trapped. y family is my husband and grown children. They were all part of it but I have been told "they have their own families" my husband feels trapped as well. She is compitent but has halucinations and has divorced her husband. She is paranoid and very delusional sp then before you can turn around she seems fine. She has one more drs appointment to try to get a diagnosis. The MDs for the last 7 years have failed to say anything about it. SO I have pushed and pushed but she is pushing against me. She wants to live in her home but I cant just drop her off there so I am trapped. She will no live any where else. his has changed my life- my children use to come over with my grandchildren now they dont. My husband and I use to have a life now we dont. We built her an effeciency apartment right off of our house and she refuses to stay in there. If I say anything her feelings get hurt and she says take me home. And to top it off she says hurtful things to my youngest (19) she tells her shes fat and no men like fat girls. UGH welcome to what I grew up with, but in front of my husband she acts perfectly normal fixing him cups of coffee and treats. Which she does to spite me because of my profession. So until the Drs can say something its a constant fight to even get her to let me dose her medcaitions. I dont care if medi. takes everything she has as long as she is being cared for. What I do care about is how do you force your parent to go to a nursing home and still find it easy to sleep at night. I dont think I can do it and if I dont I sacrifice everything. I do not want this for my kids, I will check myself into a home.
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You can't continue to sacrifice your whole family, your marriage and all that you value. Your mother is delusional and paranoid and the doctor can't see it? I hope you can find a doctor who can. You are right about her money - it's there for her care. When she gets to a certain point, she will go on Medicare. Keep good records. Get the help of social services or a third party to stand by you and find a good assisted living or nursing home for her. You are paying too high a price. You've tried your best and then some. Now, it's time to make some changes while you still are healthy enough to enjoy your grandchildren.

Carol
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Crislynp, Are the doctors working with you to get her help or what is the deal that the doctors cannot diagnose her? I agree with MindingOurElders... the doctors can't see it? Have you been at the doctor's appointments with them to discuss your concerns and her behavior?

I will say this from what I've learned about my mother... there is no way in hell my mother would talk to my family like that no matter how much I love her (you'd have to read all my posts to understand that statement). I think I would get a free consultation with an elder law attorney on how to handle this situation.

As for care, sometimes you can only go so far. My mother, due to her own psychotic behavior (undiagnosed at the time), got herself into her own mess and into the geriatric psych unit. My mother forced my hand to put her into assisted living. My mother also did nothing to help my father with Alzheimer's because she was so selfish and in denial about dad's condition, that he's gone so down hill there's no turning back or even maintaining.

Each decision I made, no matter how difficult, I made off of my mom's decisions. I still gave her my best at every level even if it was her own doing. I've cried, I've done it stone-cold, but through my own counseling, I've come to realize I cannot get blood from a stone.

You have to resolve what works in your heart. I can't say that you shouldn't care for your mother, but I found in my own life, I could not do it. I took care of dad for three weeks. I could not do it. I do not feel the guilt. Dad is much happier now and socializing, eating and being cared for 24/7. Mom is still mom, but I also know that she is also provided for and she cannot hide from the help that she so desperately needs.

Tough choices hon and tough love. You have to decide what you can live with. My mom still is hostile towards me over moving her into assisted living (and I'm an only child), but when she has her good days I give her the tolerable time. When she's miserable, I leave.

I wish I could give you a solid answer but all of us here have made extremely difficult choices. Seek God is my recommendation.

Keep in touch... we're all here for you.
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Thank you for the advice. I just am so tired of being judged. (by her siblings) The Drs she was seeing didnt diagnose her I looked at her medical records so when i moved her here to another state I lined up Drs and went in the room each and everytime. She seemed perfectly sane. So this last time I coaxed her into telling the Drs what she was seeing and he looked at me in shock I said DOC 7 years of this can you tell me something, he referred us to yet another DR he said he wasnt qualified to make the diagnosis she had to see another nuerologist. He wouldnt even tell her she couldnt drive!!! Because of these drs shes wreaked havoc and divorced her husband. I feel like if I can just get a diagnosis she might be willing to listen to me. In her mind shes fine. She accused her husband of trying to kill her and even said he shampood up the blood. When in reality she had sepsis and was rushed to the er. ouyvi. Before moving her in here I had to disarm her. She carried a gun because she thought he was going to kill her now she says he is breaking in here and locks herself up in her room at night. She has all of her belongings locked in trunks so he cant steal them.

It feels really good to tell someone all of this. As an only child I have never felt onlyier :-)
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She certainly sounds mentally ill. It's hard to imagine doctors brushing you off like that! I'm glad you are able to talk about it here, and I certainly hope you can find a doctor who can deal with her symptoms. She may be dangerous to you.
Carol
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Crislyynp- probably why she does not want to spend her money is the same as most older people-they want to be able to pass it along to their children-but there comes a time when they need to use it for their own care-have her use it and if she is on medicare -it will pay her Drs. visits and if she needs to go into a nursing home she will have to pay until she is on Medicade at which time she will not have to pay for her care- they can not touch her childrens money like they can a spouse. But look what it is doing to you you will end up sick or worse-our elder lawyer told my son 60 per cent of caregivers die before the ones they are caring for and if something happens to you like it did me you will not be able to be her main caregiver and she will have to pay for care at home or be placed and your health will be ruined and your family will suffer greatly- it is not worth-sometimes it works- many of the ladies I sew cancer pads with live in extended families and it works but often it does not and I know how hard a decision it is -my husband is fighting with us my son and I about have daily care which I have to pay for or go in a nursing home which will take most of our income and savings but if something is not done I will probably die first and he will have to be placed neither of our kids- adults now could have him at their homes they and their spouses work morer than 40 hrs a week. It has come to that for you and I know you want to do the right thing for your Mom - think if your best friend had this to deal with what would tell her- in these days an older person has to forget what use to be and use their money for there cares. I am saying this as a friend-it only took one more fall for me to fracture my back and now have pain and restrictions for the rest of my life because I spread myself too thin.
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Dear crislynp, I agree with what Carol said earlier about getting social services involved. She is definately a danger to herself and others. You must get a diagnosis, or a letter of incompetancy, and go from there. Document your concerns, and provide it to a physician you trust and go from there. I had to do everything on my own. I tried to get help from social services, but for some reason, they did not help, and I ended up having to do it all on my own. Hoping things work out better for you, and you get the help you need. Let us know, and take care of yourself.

Dear Austin, great advice! If we don't take care of ourselves, we cannot expect to be able to take care of others. I too cannot take the strain of caring for my father due to my own health concerns. I feel if I continue too much longer, just the stress alone may do me in physically, and mentally. So think hard about it, and don't feel guilty that you can't do it all. None of us can, because we are only human.
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Since I stood up and said I can not be his main caregiver anymore others have supported me where were they the last few years- I was waiting to get rescued and could not understand why no one else felt the same -it was too easy for them to look the other way -now they are telling him and me I can no longer do it all-I prayed and prayed for so long and cried out to God- he must think I am a strong women and did not need his help- I am not- he might have me mixed up with my sister- I am 7 yrs. older but her old classmates call me by her name, that must be it LOL
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Thank you- I documented everything and faxed it ahead of time to the Drs and still nothing.This new Dr in a couple of weeks has got to give me some clarity. I am going to demand a diagnosis if he doesnt give me one. Once a Dr tells her something I will have leverage right now I am just the evil daughter who thinks she is not able to live on her own.

Its very lonely out here. I am glad I found this site.
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Dear Austin, don't cut yourself short, you are a strong woman. Look at what you have had to deal with for so very long. To be able to stand up for yourself and say NO, is one of the hardest things to do. We have trouble saying NO to others, because we as children have been told by our parents to never say NO, it's a bad word, "don't you every tell me NO again" they would say to us. Now look at us, not being able to say NO still. But you have stood up and did it. We are proud of you! It takes a tremendous amount of courage to do what you have done.
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