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I was just think something a doc has to give the insurance people a diagnosis to get paid so why is he not telling you-I would tell him my lawyer is going to write him a letter demanding a clear diagnosis that might get hir rear in gear-even if I was not planing to go to my lawyer I would say I was anyway
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Dear cris, even if you do not get a diagnosis, you can still get a letter of competency, stating that they require assistance managing finances, etc.
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I have full power of attn. but frankly she still manages her money and she would disown me if I even tried to help. I tried talking to her about it and her defenses went up and she said "I am just fine". I do understand. I cant imagine being like that, thinking you are normal, still physically able to care for yourself and but yet you mind is not right. Its a constant enter and exit in and out of reality but never fully exiting like her mind is stuck inbetween two worlds. Always teetering.
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Crislynp,
I have been so busy the last week that I have not been able to get on the computer. I just read all the recent entries, and I agree with the advice you have been given. Get an attorney
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Dear Austin, I just read your post. I am so glad you are getting the help you need. I pray you get all you need. I don't think God was confused at all, or have you mixed up with anyone. We don't always understand why prayers aren't answered immediately, but God does things in his way according to his timing. His answers might come in unexpected ways, and sometimes the answer is "no," or "not now," or "Surprise!"
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I totally agree with everything. Especially , why do we have no options but nursing homes? I had put myt mom in a nursing home and she was there 20 mintutes and fell and broke her nose. so i brought her to our home and she has been here one year mothers day. ajnd it has been a long year. she is depressed, she can't talk clearly anymore since her stroke and she has been diganosed with dementia. she had 10 days to live when she went ointo the hospital and it is now a year later.
I have given her myt all and i still get crap from her about how i don
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crislynp,
My message was cut off again. Look for an attorney who specializes in elder law. Most lawyers don"t know the ins and outs of elder law and can really make more trouble for you in the end. We put mom"s money in a trust
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crislynp,
(continued from cut off message.)
with a business ID. Also put passwords on all your accounts. This way no family members can interfere. She will fight, but don't back down. Take her checkbook. Did you know that there is now a 5 year wait for medicaid to not be able to take money you have hidden? That is why you need to get money out of her Social Security #. After 5 years , they can't touch it. This is a big help to you for what you need to give her that medicaid won't supply. Good luck
lovingdaughter
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Let's just put this on the other foot as well. What if the parents need some good counseling and need to get over things as well and live life in pleasantries?

The higher road is that we do care for our parents. As a matter of fact with love, but some people that have a dysfunctional history do the caregiving out of a tough love while remembering the past. Sometimes we have bad days, sometimes we have good days, but we don't go to a low road.... we've decided to care for them because we understand it is about much more than that. Despite hurtful pasts, we still continue to provide. Sharing experiences with someone who can relate is a huge relief and helping to continue the caregiving.

The selfishness depends on what view you are taking. I myself have found nothing wrong with setting boundaries for my own life while providing for my parents. If boundaries make me selfish well then by God... so be it. But I refuse to let someone trample my right to choose a boundary.

Thank you for the prayers. All the caregivers need that grace and mercy. It is not a career path that I would choose, but love on those tremendously that do it daily. Including you notavictim.

I love my mother enough to make sure she has the best of everything. Some people don't get over that and it is wrong to blatantly tell someone to get over it and take the higher road. If they could the healing would have occurred a long time ago.

Opinions are great, but harsh comments can cut to the core. Freedom of choice to ignore or respond is the beauty of life. You can find some great information, stories and life experiences through this site that have helped many of us. Please do not negate that fact by saying we are not in reality.
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Dear notavictim, I see what it is you are trying to do here. You are bored, and trying to just stir up a hornets nest here. This site is about caregiver support. Again, if you don't have any support to offer, then maybe you should go to another site where you will be more helpful. God Bless You!
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Thank you everyone for your advice. It really helps to see the clearer picture. For me that means that yes its okay to set boundries for her. For me if I know that I am doing the very best that I can do and then if its still not enough then at least I have done my very best. And finally for me the hardest part hasnt been her care its everything else. The insurance, the property, the divorce she insisted on. Its learnig about all of the legal and medical issues that has made me feel like someone slammed me into a brick wall. I personally feel that she would be so much happier in assisted living, she could make friends and do things but she doesnt feel that way. Anyway thanks for the advice and for the one that said that I needed counseling, I dont what I need ......is hope.
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Notavictim-until you have walked a mile in our shoes do not judge us and yes I have been to counseling by myself and couples and with the husband with his counseling and it is not the end all all of us that have been on thios site for a long time-for me it has been over a year and I could not have survived with out the comfort and support of these precious folks not just daughters but men also wheather sons or husbands or in laws or friends and our mission has been to listen and to share not to act like we have all the answers and to judge us this is not Judge Judy's form and I have met her and she is a nice women she acts like she does on TV when dealing with dumb selfish people of which the dear men and women here are not I am sure there are sites that will appreciate your opions but we do not need anyone to put us down or fix us we are doing fine without your comets do not tell us to get real you have no idea what our reality is and we do-we are not victims just Gods children trying to do our best with the jobs that we were dealt with and did not ask for besides our parents we have other family members that we are responsible for and also need us daily and we do the best we can and are harder on ourselves then anyone else I know I need these dear people greatly and we have been doing fine with out snide hurtful comets from you if you are not part of the solution take your attitude some where else
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To Mitzi, Anne, Austin, Nauseated,Crislynp, and other supportive caregivers,

Thanks you to all my sisters in the same boat. Thank you for all your support. You have been so wonderful. notavictim, you need to take a step back. You have to look at your own situation and not judge us!
lovingdaughter
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I have decided that I can't watch my mom 24 hours a day, nor can I pay for someone to do it. So, this weekend, we left her alone for 3 hours at a time so that we could go and do the things that we wanted to do. It worked out really well. She likes having time to herself, and we were happy to give her that time. She has an alert system around her neck, so it makes it easier. We have been having some needed discussions, and they have been very helpful. Mom has been positive about some long brewing issues and I feel better. We bought a sleeper sofa for her suite of rooms on our house. So whenever we want to go away, someone will come and stay with her. The warmer weather gives her the opportunity to go outside, and that has been very positive. Thanks again to everyone.
lovingdaughter
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lovingdaughter, so good to hear a positive. And so good you can get out for some much needed family time. Your mother is so very lucky to have you.
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I am so glad that things are working out better for you it is important to have some time away from caregiving lovingdaughter, we are trying to make things easier for me also and the husband finally is starting to get it that if he wants to come home we have to have help and I have gone to see him for short visits and our son and grand-daughter have been visiting also.
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Austin,
Glad to hear positive news from you too. I know from my mom that the grand kids are such a source of joy! Get the help you need and don't feel guilty. That is one the the main points that I have learned from all of you on the site. Good luck!

nauseated, thanks for the good thoughts. Hope this is a good week for us all.
lovingdaughter
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I've learned not to let Mom move in with me, especially after reading all your posts. In fact, we barely tolerate a visit. So sad. But what happens when parents need more help than living on their own can provide, and they aren't willing or able to go to ALF and don't yet qualify for a nursing home? Even visiting health services cost more than some can afford, and Day Care services are a challenge, as well. Seems we're all struggling with something, and there's no perfect solutions. If our parents were blogging about us, what would they say? Do we sacrifice our desires and plans or do they sacrifice theirs? I'd like to start a new tread called: "When Needs and Wants Collide."
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I meant "thread."
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oh my gosh! This forum is amazingly helpful. Thank you for being honest. My herion addicted mother died in October leaving my Grandmother all alone is a discusting hordered pig stye. My Grandmother bought my mom's drugs my whole life and they both sent me away on my fourtenth birthday. I moved my grandmother with me to Vegas and she is making my wonderful life miserable. It doesn't matter she as a nice apartment with brand new everything and I take her out twice a week. She acts life I'm am ruining her life. She is ruining mine. Augh. Let's move her into a bigger place and let my grandmother and her mom be roomies and leave us the hell alone.
Okay - I vented I feel better lol. People look down on you if you say anything negative on a parent or grandparent.
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Dear Squishe, welcome! You are safe to say what you need to here. I pray you find the encouragement you need. Not all can handle the honesty, so please disregard any negative comments, unless they fit. We can all learn and grow. I find it so amazing that those of us who've had hard circumstances growing up are often the ones to give back in love and care to the ones who didn't necessarily love and care for us. But, we survived, and sometimes even thrived. To God be the glory! However, we do tend to be very sensitive individuals. I pray we can learn to be a little more understanding, less judgmental, and lift each other up. You all help me with patience, acceptance, and compassion. Your encouragement gets me through many difficult and weary days. If I haven't said it lately, THANK YOU!
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Squishe, you've got quite a story. Yes, the people on this site are incredibly supportive, and you'll find lots of experience.

Please stay in touch and let us know how things are going,
Carol
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Dear Squishe welcome this is a great site with many thoughtfull caringing people with very few negative people here and when that happens the others speak up- I had my claws out last night but could not stand someone putting down my friends unfairly but generally you will get love and care and support our job is not an easy one but the help you will get will be very valueable and Anne is fantastic and has been very helpful to us all even though she has it rought she is a good friend and I kook forward to her posts.
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Dear Squishe Yes, we are all so thankful to have each other. The rough days are made better, the good days are cherished. Minding our Elders is right, we are supportive and yes, we do have some really negative days, but everybody does. It is OK. We try to help each other and it really works!!! I have had some negative days, but lately, I have tried to be positive and put my husband and myself at the top of the pile. It has helped so much. Then, when you have to do a day that you dread, it doesn't seem so bad. We are all here for you. Keep writing
lovingdaughter
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Yes, it's the warm fuzzy club! VentersRus LOL Austin made me cry
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Hi all,
I have been trying to write this for days. My mom passed a few weeks ago so I am really having some trouble when I think about it, which is most of the time. Not everybody knows how much this site helps us caregivers. If you don't like what we say, then you should go elsewhere!! I took care of my mom for the last 5 years 24/7. I vented and complained and cried and laughed and every other emotion I can think of on here and you all excepted it and even gave me support and love and hugs!! I could not have made it thru it if it weren't for you all. I was not able to even leave the house for the last 8 months of so. I also have a mentally challenged child who didn't understand what happen to her grandma. She didn't know her anymore and was cruel to her. You all listen to me and didn't critsize. I have cried with you all. I have laughed with you all. You have been my support when family was no where to be found!! You gave me ideas about handleing different things that you all had been thru. For someone to come on here and critisize ..........it infuriates me. I don't even remember who the person was but they know!!! Just go elsewhere. It is really simple to log off. OK, I've nhad my say........keep smilin..........If you all haven't already read the "The Wooden Bowl",mdo so. It really makes you see why we do what we do even tho we complain. We love our loved ones and will do anythjing for them but ya gotta vent!!!
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Notavictim
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to pkpurs,
So sorry to hear about your mom. It is never easy, but you will have no regrets. You did what needed to be done, took care of her, loved her and put your life on hold. Now it is your turn to grieve, and then take the next step in your life. We will continue to be here for you.
linda
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(((((((pkpurs))))))) sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my MIL about 2 weeks ago, and it is so hard. You have nothing to regret and you did something that some people can never do (not on these boards). You gave her love and she will always know that. My hugs, tears and heart are with you during this time.
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Thank you all! I just was soooo pissed when i read what notavictim wrote!!!
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