I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 2 1/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
You made a commitment to your parent(s), and it's unfair to boot them once you feel you're tired of them. It's a big sacrifice, but they are relying on you ... don't throw them out because your emotions are telling you that they're ruining your life. You'll be ruining theirs MORE. Just like they made a commitment as parents to raise and support you, you should adhere to YOUR commitment once you make it to them. They're old and frail, and yes, it isn't always "fun" or "fulfilling" to have that responsibility. They can be temperamental, childish, and require lots of your "free" time. But we did it five years ago for my dad when we moved him in with us (in his own attached apartment), and though we've had to sacrifice impromptu trips, weekends away, etc. -- we made a commitment to dad, and we'll abide by it either til he dies, or if there comes a time that we CANNOT care for him ourselves. Do you love your parents? Then, in love, do what you commited to do. Then your conscience will be clear .... now and later.
Well, we moved dad in with us when our kids were 11 and 15. There is not a "good" time in life to do this for parents ... it happens when it happens. And of course we need to vent ... I do it all the time! My husband just laughs it off, but that's because it's MY dad who's living with us. It is definitely a worthwhile and kind thing to take your parents under your wing when they need you. It can be stressful, inconvenient, and very aggravating at times. But I believe God will reward us at the end of our lives, if not sooner as well.
In 1982 I lost a 13 year old child he was missing for 26 days I survived, I took care of my father in law with cancer in 1987 thru 1989 I took care of my mother in law from 1997 to 1999 with Alzheimers, heart disease, strokes two broken hips and diabetes, I took care of my Dad moving my parents from another state to where I live in 2005 my father fell and shattered his pelvis and broke a hip he was in numerous hospitals off and on for 3 months he contracted MRSA I gave him IV every morning before I went to work, washed him got him up made his coffee took him into living room opened blinds to make him feel normal, he had a stroke a month later a week later he died, I arranged his funeral bought floewers for all involved, paid for everything no one as of yet ha reimbursed me for their part. I than brought my mother to live with me, she is narcissistic, cannot hear refuseds to have cataracts removed therefore almost blind. why do I do these things? I don't know I have a kind heart? I am compassionate? and by the way never got along with my mother she made my childhood and teenage years a living hell. Where is she going to go to the Street I wouldn't let a stranger live that waY, SOOO..
I do it because God tells me to. and yes I complain every chance I get so much so my sister has told me she doesn't want to hear it and my brother hasn't called or visited his mother since his father died. same for sister. So guess what they won't hear anymore from me. I can and will do it myself as I always have. but I still don't have to like it. I so look forward to the other world I KNOW it will be where I belong after all isn't that everyones goal?
I'm very sorry I posted anything, it was very emotional to read the posts and relate to them. I thought writing my emotions down would be a good experience. ..and to meet others who may relate. (not to be judged)
Good luck to all of you on your journey and god bless.
Now with that being said.... my mother had issues prior even to becoming a senior needing care. It goes too deep to discuss here on this post (you can read my previous posts). I am an only child, and I have no children of my own. My father has Alzheimer's and my mother has Severe Major Depression. With working full-time, taking care of my household, handling my parent's legal, financial, and housing (keeping their original house as well) is more than a full time job.
My obligation to them is that I make sure they are well taken care of and that is EXACTLY what I do, but its not solely by my hand. My two cents is that you need to be fair to your family as well. The misnomer in caregiving for a parent is that you solely have to provide it. But then what you are losing out on is the relationship because of the stressors in caregiving that seem to then consume your life.
I bend my boundaries for my father a bit because it is the disease of Alzheimer's and he cannot help his behavior. My mother's behavior on the other hand is a lifetime of issues I care not to go into in this post.
You have to decide what's right, but consider the statistics as well.... caregivers die many times sooner than the cared for person. They (the cared for elder) are also not being raised like a child is in order to be independent. Reality is they are becoming dependents. AL and nursing homes are not like they once were. If its a necessary situation, then move them. This way you can spend much more time on loving your parent without the added stressors. Then you are giving your mother or father the much needed love they need. Besides, the socialization is awesome for them instead of being isolated with a stressed out caregiver.
There is nothing wrong with that. There are just various forms of caregiving.
YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!!! JOJO, you need to be with us a long time and read our posts and histories as we VENT and have the right to. How a a person can judge us without knowing the history that each of us has, is beyond me. We all do our jobs for many different reasons, but the fact is we are doing it!! The ones who may need to be told off are the ones who are not on this site because they don't care and have left us in the lurch!!!!!!! Walk in our shoes!!!!'
Yes , we set boundaries, make sacrifices and cry a lot, but we are here. Where are they??????????
Good luck!
You are right. People shouldn't judge the choices others make. No two situations are the same. Everyone here is trying to do the right thing, often affect many people they love. Keep at it. You all are great!
Carol
I was blessed to have my parent's family not argue with me and was amazed at what I was able to do for my parents. What we owe are parent's is our best no matter what the result.
Now I know there are people who will give the lowest quality of care (saying they provide) in order to gain inheritance..... shame on them! But do not feel guilt for wanting to provide for your family.
My parent's never talked about the type of care they wanted, just that they wanted me to care for them. Well if I was single, maybe things would be different. But I owe it to my husband regardless. My mom when she was hospitalized then demanded assisted living. Then when she got into AL, she was throwing a temper tantrum then (I understand the drastic lifestyle changes, but there is more to that story). I provided her and my father care with excellence.
They have 24/7 care, a nice size apartment (to bring many of their furnishings), 3 square meals a day (when mom was starving herself and dad doesn't remember to eat), apartment cleaning, hourly checks, socialization, etc all for the cost of $3 less a day than if I had had 10-hr in home care.
I did the comparison. I factored my life into it. I'm exhausted and I am still recovering from 5-6 years of medical issues, running myself ragged, etc. I don't have the energy. I've become more anemic because I haven't and still don't eat great anymore because I'm sleeping when I can grab it.
Be fair to yourself. Evaluate the situation carefully. Seek God in all that you do. This is NOT a light burden. How can you show your loved one you care when you are nasty, miserable, exhausted yourself? Parents can sense that as well. This is making their end of life with quality, contentment, and dignity. You do the best you can.
Thanks for being a reasonable voice in a very unreasonable sea of emotion. We know how truly hard it is to care for our families, but not everyone gets it. How blessed some are to have the "perfect" situation. Wish we all had that. My mom is really good, but her health and weight are fighting against her. I do what I can and have had her here for 4 years, but I know that after a few more, she will be beyond my help. Then, I will put it in God's hands and that of the professionals. Thanks for being one of the good ones!!!
Carol
I just got a call from the nursing home and they have a bed available for mom. I will be admitting her tomorrow afternoon. The hospice chaplain will be here when I tell mom, and help us with the move. I know this is the best thing for her, but telling her is going to be one of the most emotionally difficult things I've ever had to do. Please pray for me.
You are always in our prayers. Be assured that you are doing the right thing. Best of wishes and prayers to you and your family.
God bless.
I understand the mixed emotions, and even the anxiety of making this decision. I'm praying you and your Mom are as blessed as our families have been. Our dads are thriving in their nursing home environment, and we're pleased beyond our expectations.
tx, you're a wonderful daughter to continually be so loving to your Mom. After all your care and hard work, I'm hoping you and Mom can both rest and enjoy the change! Take care :) and let us know how things are going.
So again, thank you for all your prayers and support. It is priceless.
Good job and thanks for being a story we can look up to.
We should all be so fortunate to have such a transition. Best wishes for you and your mom. God Bless and keep writing. We are always here for you.
Linda
i just brought my dad home from rehab . he couldnt wait to get home . he rather be with families here . didnt care for activies there . he said his activies is at home , recliner and tv .
he did good lastnight , slept all night long . so will see how it goes tonite . i hope he sleeps all night ..
go check on ur mom at odd hours ofthe night will you please ... thanks ,