She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
So glad I'm an only child! There are a lot of boards & threads here devoted to the struggles of managing a parent with a herd of family & silblings who don't agree.
The out of town sibling might feel helpless and unable to really feel like she's helping, so "Suggesting" is her way to pitch in, even if it is NOT helpful. Can you give her some things to do that are helpful? I don't have siblings, but at work when I get those "super-helpful people" off on the sidelines mouthing off about how things ought to be and we should have done XYZ a different way, etc, I find them work to do. They get tasks and deadlines from my project. It typically shuts them up and I don't hear from them again. Especially anything I can find directly connected to what they were "suggesting" about.
I will call or meet with them specifically about the thing that's bothering them, pointedly ask them what they would do differently and how, brainstorm through the obstacles (which is a nice tricky way of telling them how it's not as simple as they think), and then lay the work on them. "It would really help out if you can manage this part. Our deadlines are this, that, & the other. Will you be able to get that done on time?" It's usually this point they totally back out.
Another part of the problem is that the limited safety net that use to be there has been dismantled by state governments to save money. This has increased the number of homeless people with a mental illness and has changed many of our prisons into modern mental health hospitals.
I've come to realize she can't give to me (love, gratitude, acceptance) what she can't give to herself. Her issues are not my fault. I can't fix her. It is not reasonable for her to take over my life. I try to focus on hating the illness, and not the person. It's hard.
You are an adult who does not owe anyone any kind of explanation about your boundaries and choices. Write that out 100 times a day until it sticks. You get to own your choices and decisions. You don't owe mom.
There are a lot of us on this site who have lived with a narcissistic parent to do old age caregiving. Safe to say it will darn near kill you. A lot of people come to this site in a real crisis because they let mom/dad move in and reality is not matching with the Disney movie that was in everyone's head. It never does.
Dementia gets worse in spurts nobody can predict. Whatever the state of things "today", it may not be like this in 2 weeks, 6 weeks, or who knows. My mother compared to a year ago is much, much, much worse and needs an extremely high level of care. It takes 2-3 people to transfer her.
When you do finally talk to your mom, be prepared for fireworks. If she gets ugly, tell her that you will have to talk about it later when she isn't upset and hang up. We can talk when you aren't upset (which is code for being mean and terrible).
Tell your mom what I told mine. Use what you can:
- My home is not safe for you. You will fall and I can't pick you up.
- My bathrooms can't be modified for rails and other safety equipment.
- I won't give up my cats and they are a fall hazard as much as the stairs
- I will not quit my job to stay home with you all day.
- My home is not a dementia ward. I didn't say it so plainly, but that's what I meant. I will not live in a dementia ward and neither will my family.
- I don't have staff to cover 24/7/365 like they do in assisted living
- I don't have a commercial washer
- I don't have a commercial kitchen
- I don't have cleaners and janitors
- I don't have an activities director
- I can't lift you or help you transfer
- I will absolutely not do her butt wiping.
- I can't afford to replace carpet and furniture when bodily accidents happen. And they will a lot more than you think with dementia.
- I don't have enough time off work to run you to various doctor appointments. A one hour appointment was never less than a 5 hour ordeal with her. The doctors go to her in the nursing home.
- I can't keep you from wandering out of my home and getting lost.
Go explore assisted living or if she needs more care, a memory care community where they can handle her changing needs, any kind of crisis that will come up, and you get to keep your home as a safe haven from her stress.
same mistake I did... It will never work out and hell is not even close to discribe what you are going to go through... will not repeat what I already wrote before, but I can see you, miserable, and look for any excuse NOT to go home and see her, hear her voice and she will make your life miserable...
Sweet of her to think of you. The lady is pretty good at this game, isn't she?
Thank her for her concern. Explain fulsomely that you will be just fine. You could, if you feel up to playing at this level, reassure her that you have made well-considered plans for your later career and retirement; but that of course it is a weight off your mind to know that she is settled in a salubrious climate etc.
Right back at ya, Elmo's mother...
the better things, and leave the worse ones…"
Elmo, even if she only thinks you're a special daughter at highly selective moments, enjoy the moments. That's what she really thinks. Hold onto those for when she's being dreadful.
This game called manipulation. Yhe thought process goes like this... My daughter's sole existence is to pay back for my sleepless kniggts ehen she was a baby, for