My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

Elmo, you should reply "I couldn't have put it better myself."

Since your mother insists on seeing it her way round, though, you might as well go with her view. Okay, so you are Dr Evil in this scenario, but so what? The important thing for her to focus on is making some kind of practical plan for her future, near, middle and distant. Tell her to stop worrying about you and concentrate on herself: given that you ain't budging, what arrangements are available to her that she would prefer?

She'll likely reply along the lines of "what do you care?" at which you may sigh heavily and say "yes dear mother, we've already established that I'm evil and ungrateful, but there you go - let's say I'm taking a purely academic interest…" It's a variation of the broken record technique, where you keep returning her gently but firmly to the subject in hand, namely practical provision for her independent - stress the "independent" bit, she'll like that - old age.

And if/when she loses it and hangs up on you, sigh again and carry on regardless. She wants to be angry, let her be angry. She wants to be accusatory, let her. Just let her be, while you get on with your life. And then, in the fullness of time, when she needs practical support for real problems, you'll see what really needs to be done and you can deal with that. But not by moving down there. There will be a better alternative, simply because nobody is indispensable and that includes you.

Have just put my Mum into assisted living here in the UK but she is being really nasty to me. I am the main carer my brothers live quite a long way away, but manage to see her once a month, the rest is just me. I had to move her from her flat as she was not coping (she is 97) . Do I just walk away for a couple of weeks to let her settle. Feeling very guilty, but my hubby has cancer and needs care, I could not do it all.

What kind of set-up is it, Libby? Are you happy with the facility?

Have you ever watched "Everybody Loves Raymond? Marie portrays the same personality as your mother. It was hillarious in the episode where they got kicked out of the senior home. One of the workers said, "She seems to be giving you a compliment when she is really insulting you.

You are like the embattled Debra who just puts up with it.
Just stop now and stop forcing your family to deal with her. You by your misplaced loyalty are ruining for everyone you love what should be a happy occasion. Without your mother it will be one.

Country mouse she has grown fiat with lounge, bedroom, kitchen and wet room, carers there 24 hours a day 7 days a week, also restaurant so she can have a hot meal at lunch times, but still feeling guilty. When she speaks to me she is spiteful and does not have a nice word to say about the place, speaks to others saying how wonderful it is. My daughter us going to take over for two weeks to give me a break.

Try not to let her get to you, Libby. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to think of yourself growing flaps over your ears so that you can just hear blah blah blah when she starts up. Go and see her as often as suits you: with that kind of care package, I doubt you'd be intruding. I expect you really need the break, so take it and enjoy :) - but there are likely to be teething troubles as she settles into the home - genuine, little things that you can nip in the bud - so don't let her put you off visiting when you want to. She'll do better if you're on board with the staff to give them hints and tips. They'll probably tell you what a sweetie she is! - but don't worry, they will also laugh when you roll your eyes. They'll have seen it all before.

Thanks country mouse I hope so

I feel your pain! God Bless You!

Are you sure you aren't talking about me and my mom? Oh my. The only difference is my aunt knows the difference. She plays on my mom's side while she is there for peace, but she so knows the difference. She is my saving grace.

I am sorry you are going through this. My mom is so ridiculous in her manipulation. My mom would be just fine if I gave up my life--my house, my kids, my husband and of course my dog. The dog is one reason she tells people she won't come to visit at my house. smh!! That's okay, because I have stopped talking to her. She can sit in her own misery, but I will not be miserable anymore... You should not be miserable either. It has taken me many years to come to this, but it feels so good.

Wish I could get there she can still make me feel sorry for her and I go back just to take her anger again. My son-in-laws hi us a nurse says that the elderly arevery good at knowing how to manipulate you and I think he us right !!

when my mom speaks negative to me about me, i remind her i came from her body, example: she will say "your nasty attitude" and my reply "well I came from you, the person who gave me the nasty attitude." Yes, it may be childish but when i reply to her that "-I came from her body" she stop saying ugly things to me or when she says don't worry you gonna get yours, my reply "yes maybe I will but right now I am able to see YOU get yours!" Yes, it sounds mean- but she has been ugly as far back as I can remember and I need her to know I'm NOT going to allow her to be abusive. Now I hearing Joel Osteen say to me to NOT allow the flesh/feelings run my life, "they were rude to you so I'm going to be rude back to them". I'm ready to turn the channel....

My mom is 90 and very negative. She complains about everyone and accuses the maids of theft while she misplaces her things. She is very negative, uncooperative and very demanding. It is getting to be very difficult to be around her and I do get very depressed when I spent time with her. She is getting worse by the day. I feel bad for her but I have had enough of her. I am not sure what to do?

i know this is an old post but as I read it, I almost thought it was me who wrote it! I moved to Texas to get out of the same state as my mother but I am now her caregiver. No one else would take her in because of her ways and the guilt from our culture to care for our own was killing me! its been over two years and my mother has become even more verbally abusive. I shouldnt have to keep her in my home and put up with crap! I dont want her money, I dont want to be paid for being her provider, I just need her out for the sake of my sanity. No one has been able to help me. I hope you found help

sotired1962, Are you from Europe? If so, I understand where you are coming from. Guilt is killing me too. Don't want to repeat everything I write in this forum before...just see my posts...
I got tremendous help and advice here... And I thought, I was only one... Just hang on... There is , eventually, the light at the end of this tunnel. The question is, will you survive the darkness, in order to see the light..?

zeenna, its true - depression can be contagious. sometimes medication will help it, but you have to be careful wtih that in elders. In the meantime, take breaks and vent, keep interactions as short ans sweet as possible...congratulate yourself on any little drip of cooperation or positivity you cajole out of her and assure yourself the problem is not *you*! If she never gets out of her room try just telling her its time to do this or that so she has to get a little fresh air. Not that much more you can do, for her anyways!! Cultivate an attitude of gratitude and an easy-going nature in yourself so you are not so miserable when you get older...that's my plan, and I work on it a little every day when I remember anyways.

Well my mom is not speaking to me. Kinda nice actually. Got tired of listening to her constant complaining and nagging. Funny thing is that my 16 year old niece stayed with my cousin for 2 weeks and this cousin goes on and on about how great my mom is and how she talks to her all the time and that my mom is always saying how proud of me she is! Even my niece said to her "Are we talking about the s ame person?" My niece is only 16 but even she thinks something is off with my mom.

Mom called me yesterday out of the blue. She didn't actually try to get me to change my mind but she was trying to be subtle. She told me she thought of getting a roomate to help with her rent. And for a second I thought she would actually do it. But then she tells me that she was talked out of it by her "friends". She claims that because she rents this place she can't have a roomate. Which I am sure is not true. As long as you tell the owners about it I am sure it is fine. She thinks having a roomate will jack up her rent which I don't believe they can do either. She then tells me the same story about how she can't keep working much longer,etc. I just didn't even respond to it. So hopefully she got the hint. But I am sure she will keep trying.

TILDA, May GOD bless u and give u strength. Im so overwhelmed myself with my acid tongue mother I dont know where to start. I want to scream on the top of a mountain. I dont want to cry because I dont know if I can stop. At this point in my life i feel like my 82 year old mother might outlive me..Im tired and worned down Im in my early 50s and can hardly take her abuse anymore.All my life she has treated me like she really hated me. Not only because of my color but she told me today after calling me all kinds of names i dont deserve to live. She is awful. Addicted to loranzepram and she can hardly hear and hateful because she is old and her beauty has faded away..Its such a long horrible history behind my mother and my older sister who has not called her or spoken to her for 15 years we saw her at a family funeral. Before that 10 years no word. Yet my mother says my sister is a smarter better person than me
She dont care if my mom live or die but shes better than me. Ive been taking care of her now for 5 years. Walking on eggshells and my soul is weary. Right now im going to pray because my Lord GOD is my salvation..

I hate to sound so pitiful. I know everone out there is fighting for a normal life. Im praying for everone who needs to know GOD loves us and things will get better one day. So Im sending out hugs and hugs and hugs peace and floating soft clouds smiles and whatever can bring the most peace and hsppiness to you.

Baxter, your mom did not lose her beauty to old age, she lost it to a mean and selfish spirit. She would still be beautiful if she had a kind and grateful heart.

Her put downs are miserable attempts to build herself up, to blame you for what she has failed in, and as long as she can take your continued presence for granted, they will continue. If you can find any alternative caregiving plan or respite, use it despite any objection she might have; or at least, if you have any freedom to step away or provide the bare minimum of care when you are spoken to so inappropriately it may take the edge off. Even at this late stage it would be better for her if she learned there is some limit to her dishing out grief without consequences, and some benefit to being charitable.

People really have died of caregiving stress, and there is no benefit to anyone if that happens to you. You would not be wrong to try to find a way out of this caregiving situation, partially or completely.

I know how you feel Bax and others with difficult, if not downright impossible mothers. I'm also feeling worn out taking care of a mom who had a real charming side when I was growing up, but could punch me in the face if she got mad. I always take the high road and treat people by the golden rule. I'm in my early fifties, taking care of her and dad. I am fortunate and have a sister and a CNA who help. I'm running their household, driving, dealing with daily dementia challenges, hospitalizations. I pray and vent here on this site to you, my friends out there.

Betterdays, you are brave to tell your mom. I wait until the hospital social worker or Dr tells her what the discharge plan is or Mother screams and hisses at me. She forgets what they tell her and then takes her wrath out on me when I remind her. Hope your week gets easier.

Thanks to all for saving my sanity. Reading these thoughtful and courageous posts makes me realize I'm not alone. As an only child dealing with a 96-year-old diva, who says lovely, motherly things like, "Well, why didn't you divorce that husband of yours after ten years? Now you'll have to share everything when you divorce him" (after telling her that I just celebrated 22 years with my prince of a husband) and other such encouraging tid-bits such as, knocking on her door after not seeing her for a year and the first words out of her mouth are "You look young and thinner...are you on drugs?" I'm so frightened of her, I sometimes think just dying sooner than she does will make her happier. I've worked since I was 16, never took drugs, obtained my Master's Degree and live far away from her in another zip code just for sanity and have never asked her for anything (I'm too frightened). Being 65 and a puddle of fear if I have to see her is embarrassing and I am just flummoxed.

Cheekah, you are a true success in life and mom is 1. jealous and/or 2. ashamed that she predicted otherwise when you were young.

Always remember it is HER not you, her story, not yours. God bless you and don't be ashamed of her words having more power than the average person to throw you off balance...after all, she's Mom and nothing really changes that. All of us have a right to expect love and support from a Mom, not perfection, grant you that - but some of us don't get it and all of us tend to think there is something wrong with US, maybe because it is much less threatening to think that when we are young and dependent. You are going to be all right. When she does pass on, your mix of emotions will be a bit rocky, but just be kind to yourself and keep on celebrating those anniversaries! Only 8 years to your 30th - make it a big one, whatever else does or does not happen!!

Boy! Do I ever know what your going through. My mother has always be a controlling person! She must have things her way or she will give you grief by downgrading & evil accusations. She was a schoolteacher for 20 years. She would put on a facade in front of her students as well as other people. We have been told what a great teacher she was for years! However, only a few have witnessed the other ugly side to her. My father, my brother & I have never been good enough & she has constantly reminded us of that to this day! This woman must have a puppet! She is so insecure with her phoney behavior of being so friendly to others when she has been making her family feel guilty & ashamed. Nothing is ever good enough for her & everything is about her. She now has Alzheimers & this ugly behavior has intensified. Being the POA & Trustee has been extremely exhausting & painful for me. If I knew she would be this bad, I would have refused the job. She is constantly accusing me of stealing, from items of value to "her money". My father has just past. When he was alive, she used him as her puppet, she tried to brainwash him in believing her accusations that my brother & I were stealing from the estate. He & I were very close, talk together about their trust, reviewed issues & he told mei was doing a great job. My mother has resented the close father & daughter dynamics we have. She would use him as a puppet to try to side against me. Now that he has passed, her ammunition against me has dwindled. She knows that my brother & I will not be controlled by her wishes which are now either insane or impossible! She now tries to use the caretakers as her puppets as well, but that usually ends up in a debacle. I went through two years of crying because she didn't trust me. I know now that I was grieving at losing any goodness she had in her. After losing my father who was my rock & best friend, after watching her downgrade him day in & day out, I think she might feel that she is losing whatever battles she was insanely creating. Now she wants to die & has attempted suicide a few times. We know she is trying to control us with her "feel sorry for me" behavior. But we are grieving over my father as well. She wants to argue with us about that fact that she loved him more than we did? That issue just comes out-of-the-blue!!! I am trying to get pschological help through her primary doctor, but they know it's a losing game. Her dementia will only get worse. We just don't understand why she doesn't take the time to show us her love now, instead of fighting us as if we were the enemy! It breaks my heart, & it takes every ounce of determination & love I have for her, to be able to visit her once a week for a hour. It's truly depressing & heartwrenching to hear her evil accusations of us.

Thanks, VSTEFANS, for empathy and advice. What great words--I just had a good cry reading your kind post. And SUSNAG 1956, sing it sister. You are very courageous and you have many more "characters in your movie" than I do. Your descriptions so SOOOO familiar and I have experienced much of what you describe. My La Grande Dame instantly "falls in love" with utter strangers, who slobber all over her grand appearance and "look of money" and then parades her Hollywood past before glowing admirers and gives them gifts and money---but then when she realizes they are liberals, or are just "the little people who do not know their place", she turns again in to the Gorgon. Of course, she has accused me of trying to get the POA--of course, I have not and have no idea what her monetary arrangements are. My prince of a husband is the only man she didn't chase off or scare (he's completely unimpressed) and she couldn't STAND it that I got my own life, age 43, (I'm now 65) after scurrying around being her hand-maiden for 40 years--hence I missed the window to have children. I feel like Elizabeth Barrett Browning, the poetess, who escaped to Italy at night from her horrible over-bearing father and found happiness late in life--despite the insults, threats, and vicious phone calls. You both are angels to respond--thanks. I'm just getting too tired of being so scared--she just gets stronger at 95!! Your words of "depressing" and "heart-wrenching" are PERFECT. There must be nice people out there somewhere.

Well now my mom is speaking to me again. I kinda liked not speaking to her for a few weeks. But at least she is behaving herself so far. It's not to talk to her about stuff other then me moving. Of course I told her that I have two callings in my church now so that should help. Because when the bishop gives you a calling(Primary,etc) you can't turn it down without a good reason. We'll see how it goes. She is dating again so I hope she will find a guy to settle down with and then she can mooch off him!

I can definitely relate to your mom's "illusions of grandeur" that seem to be an important aspect of your mothers life. My mother grew up with a lot of money & was spoiled rotten. She has given my father hell for not providing the money & luxuries she was used to. She also parades her "Hollywood past with utter strangers" ! That really turns her on! But problems with scammers are created. She loves & trusts her past cleaning lady more than she does me & has brainwashed this woman in believing that I don't care or listen. Ha! My mom used to throw 100 bills around to people like her! They keep coming back until they finally see the real person behind the money. Problem is, thoses people love getting the money & steal valuables from her. When she can't find them, she accuses me (or sometimes my brother) in stealing them! Sometimes, those items have been hidden by her & sometimes not. It really scares me when you tell me your mother is 95! Mine is only 85. How much longer am I to go through this? I really feel for you! And isn't funny that she has no problems with your husband? My mother tells my x-husband or my last boyfriend that "they were her favorite" . Its such a crock. And of course if the caretaker doesnt do what she wants, they are considered beneath her. I think my mother was abused by her father who she defends to the end. After making big money he became a severe alcoholic. She has disowned her sister for 30 years. I'm sure it's because she doesn't want to re-live that part of her past. Oh what web we weave! The skeletons in people's closets can cause such behavioral destruction on themselves & others...

If my friend tells me one more time "Your mom's LONELY" I am going to scream. Shes NOT lonely. She has friends supposedly where she lives, she has her sister, her job and she is dating. How lonely can she be? If she was SO lonely? She would move back home where her family is but she doesn't want to do that.

Wow! Lots of adult children of miserable mothers out there! Today, my mother reamed me out in front of the nurses who are caring for her at the hospital. One of the nurses said don't take it personally it is the alzheimers that is making her this way. But I know better, this is how she treated me all my life. I am 57 and while I have forgiven her, the wounds are deep. How do I deal with it? I put myself first. Sometimes I feel guilty too. But when she acts out I remind myself that my lack of sensitivity for her has it's roots. She made her bed, she has no friends. Her life is no life, she sits in front of the television all day, lonely and depressed because of the isolated life she chose. She is in the moderate stage of the disease. Thank God she has a husband who puts up with her. I that God everyday for him. I certainly could not live with her. She is so mean, nasty and controlling. But I do not let her get to me like I used to. Again, it hurts but I know I am a good daughter and that I doing the right thing for me first, then for her.