My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

elmopalooza - I know exactly what you mean. I get so tired of the people who jump to trite assumptions. Sounds like your Mom has a pretty full social life.

Just because a person is old it doesn't mean they are suddenly some sad thing deserving of our endless pity. Frankly I find that point of view insulting to elder people. My parents have always been angry and unhappy it has nothing to do with age. Thank goodness I have a number of elders in my life, people well into their 80s and even their 90s, who accept the limits of age with grace and are finding ways to live life to the fullest within those limitations. If I thought that becoming elderly was some kind of horrible sentence I think I would be planning my exit sooner than later, but I don't.
Having said that I do feel sad for my parents that they are such miserable people. I am kind to them and help as I am willing and able but I don't get sucked into trying to make them happy. That is a black hole that will never be filled and damage those who try.

Tryingmybest, what you wrote is so true. I've noticed that same thing about the way others think about old people. Old people are not pitiful and helpless. They are the same people they have always been. Inside of them still lives that person they have always been. I dread the day that anyone should look at me as pitiful and helpless.

Something else I've noticed when it comes to caregivers is that people often cast us in a childlike and subservient role. So advice ends up looking like, "Your parent is old and pitiful, therefore you should do things to make mama/daddy happy during their last days on earth." That sounds fine until we consider that those last days on earth can stretch out more than 10 years and often require total donation of the caregiver's life. We need to come up with a new way of advising that elevates both the care receiver and giver to the same dignity they always had.

No you are not alone, I have a mother just like that but I let my siblings deal with the gulit

I sooo agree with all of you! My mother is so nasty, I started calling her(not to her face) "the Devils mother".. She has ALWAYS been controlling & abusive to me, I'm never good enough, nothing I do pleases her even though she has tried to shape my life. This awful side of her personality has not changed, it has intensified. She was able to create a facade in front of others by masking her ugliness by being overly dramatic, overly happy, smiling & laughing all the time while stabbing these people behind their backs! She has been diagnosed with Alzhhimers & everyone tells me it is not her but the disease! B.S.! And I should not take it personal, but I do! I know this is her down deep & she is now unable to mask it. It hurts me to the core! My father just past in June 2015 & I don't know how he put up with her. She would argue with him & downgrade him as well, but he felt his vows to her were forever! When he was alive, she resented the pleasant & cooperative relationship he & I had together. I was prevented from visiting him with her there because of her ongoing hate she had towards me. Since I was appointed trustee, she thought I was always stealing or taking items from their home. She still accuses me of this. It feels horrible not to have a mother who doesn't trust her daughter. Now that my father, my best friend has passed, she is constantly leaning on me. I don't want to be her puppet! But at least the horrible jealousy has subsided. If I don't visit her, she threatens to change "The Will". (And she has put in the trust that no matter how incapacitated she is, she still has the right to change her POA at anytime, thus giving them power over The Will) I constantly get calls from her on a daily basis, pleading for me to visit her. If the caretakers don't monitor her calls, I've had as many as 40 a day! When I do answer, she goes on about how much she loves me & misses me etc. Then, behind my back, she goes into downgrading me to everyone! When I visit her, she cries all the time OR talks about "her money"! Always wanting me to give her cash! It's sooo depressing & painful for me to experience. When Dad was alive, she never cared about seeing me. I see her once a week but it's never enough! Am I doing the right thing? Does anyone have any suggestions how I should handle this? Being around her is pure hell because I know her actions to me are false. As a child, I would have loved for her to tell me how much she loved me or give me hugs & kisses. This behavior is now non-stop. I'm surprised that I'm not more insecure or mentally screwed up!

Susan, you were appointed trustee of your father's estate, is that right? And you now have POA for your mother?

You could, if you like, question why you continue to play an active, hands-on role in your mother's life. You can wind up and disburse your father's estate, you can resign your POA, handing your mother's finances over to a professional administrator, you can walk away. There is nothing in law that obliges you to see your mother at all if you choose not to, and there are always - at a price - ways of delegating the financial responsibilities that remain towards your mother.

But it's not that easy, is it? We have feelings towards our parents, for good or ill, that are very hard to let go; and in your case I expect that whether or not you do all this work for your mother you will continue to feel the feelings.

Since they're so painful, perhaps those are what you should work on. I'm not one to skip merrily along to the therapist at the drop of a hat, but don't you think it might help? You do have a turbulent mass of emotions going on, after all, and working with someone else to sort them out might make them much easier to handle.

This is my 98 yo mother who is now in assisted living. She is now learing that she cannot say whatever pops into her head and be respected. The other members of her community do not stand for her verbal abuse. She is now learning to THINK before she speaks.

Sadly that is a lesson that my mother has NOT learned yet. She says mean things to me and then when I confront her about it later, she either denies that she said it or tries to tell me that "I said I was sorry" when she either hasn't or thinks that insulting me even further is an apology.

Getting a sincere apology out of a borderline or narcissist is like getting champagne out of a toad.

Indeed, while you might get an apology from a borderline if they've spent years in therapy with the same therapist and worked hard which very few ever do. Very often, borderlines don't remember the mean things they said when in an impulsive rage.

You'll never hear such a thing from a narcissist that is anything but sincere.

I read in a journal somewhere that people who have had severe trauma in their life, especially early on, can have physiological brain damage from that. The constant state of fear and anxiety actually damages the part of the brain that would let you remember a traumatic event. They will later have psychiatric/personality disorders and truly not be able to remember any of it. They think it's a biological coping mechanism to deal with frequent and ongoing trauma that is too much to handle. It is found in vets with PTSD too.

This is very stressful on the family and people around that person because you have to go through 7 levels of heck with them, and they deny all of it, blaming you as a liar making up stories so they look bad.

This happened with my mom. We know she had an abusive childhood with a lot of trauma. I always thought she refused to talk about it, but maybe she couldn't because her brain had damage, and she didn't have access to those memories.

She was always prone to "pulling stunts" periodically where she would go on rampages, or act like she didn't know any of us, or basically have a psychotic break and never remember a minute of it. What I would have given to have an iphone to video that when it was happening back in the 70s & 80s.

You grow up around that and you start to doubt your own senses. You second guess your own reality and become so unsure of just about anything that it's hard to mature properly. I used to marvel at people my age who seemed to have it together and could handle other people easily. I would wonder how they got like that while I was so insecure about everything.

Sandwich42plus, I have done a lot of research on childhood traumas & I think that is a very significant point to bring up. My mother has been nasty & controlling all her life & I think a lot of it stems from the horrible experiences she had with her alcoholic father. Although she is not an alcoholic, her abusive behavior towards me is also significant during my childhood. I suffer from fibromyalgia which is believed to be caused by a childhood trauma. Even though I do remember a lot of physical & verbal abuse from her, there is an event that occurred to me around the age of two. My brother who was four at the time was horrified when my mother threw the vacuum cleaner on top of me. I don't remember this & I wonder what other awful actions she might have done to me that I refuse to remember. And the same goes for herself. It's amazing how our brains shelter us from traumatic events as a child to protect us from the horrible realities of our past.

Very true. I read a book about the borderline mother. That trauma causes physical health problems as well as mental health.

Young brains can't cope with the overload of abuse. It's often decades before our minds remember those blankeď out memories. My memories of my mother and getting fully in touch with my anger did take place until mom's sudden decline in 2009 and my getting involved as her only child in her care.

All of you are so brave and I read every post carefully. The relief to know I am not alone facing the ugly outbursts and accusations from LaGrande Dame can;t be described. The post from SANDWICH42PLUS is spot on. SOOO right about childhood trauma reshaping the brain. There is also a neurochemical reaction in humans now identified as the "neurochemical cascade" that lasts about 90 seconds. They get a RUSH from the commotion they cause.

You are not alone!! Just left my moms house. I'm 57. My mom wants everyone to agree with her even when she is wrong. If we don't she gets angry. Growing up with my brother and sister was tough. Never ever got hugged or never was told that we were loved. My brother and I were called SOB's all of our young lives. (What kind of mother calls her kids that)? She has no friends. It don't take long for people to figure out that she uses them for what she can get out of them. She cheated on my dad when we were younger and we had hoped she would never come back. But she did and her mean and angry ways just continued. I have tried to help her even now as an adult myself, but she is just a mean person. I can't be around her no more. My brother hasn't been to see her In I think 8 years. At one time in my life I didn't go around her for over 2 years after she got angry and punched me in the face with her fist. At 78 years old we thought she might start to mellow out. WRONG. It is as if she is mad at everything and everyone around her. Sorry guys. At this age I don't believe someone like this will change. My siblings and myself are nothing like her. I have a motto I say sometimes. (To avoid trouble stay away from it).

Dream on! Parents like that who were people like that when we were young, were that way before we were born and will not change even if we kill ourselves trying to make them change, plus they will not care if we do die for they will only miss us not being around to be their slave, not miss us because they ever loved us to begin with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Save yourselves and flee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My sad story continues with a lot of contingencies involved. My brother & I were both begged to work for the family business my father & maternal grandfather ran. So both of us were working our fannies off for 35 years! Neither of us wanted to be there (selling natural gas & propane gas), we found out soon enough that our father was not able to compartmentalize our roles as employees from our lives as family members. He would take advantage of us by accusing us of not "honoring our father" when or if we had better solutions or needed new technology for more efficient means, we had to practically beg him to change from his old habits! And we're talking about a product that is dangerous & requires a lot of paperwork from the government, the safety commission, let alone better the welfare of our customers! My mother retired as a school teacher in 1981 & wasn't even able to write out a receipt correctly to the customers. We tried to keep her away from any business activities. We were told all this time that when we sold these companies we would have a "gold mine". My father never set up any retirement plans for either one of us. We were told we would be getting the "gold mine". It is so true when it's said that there are no guarantees in life! The plan did not work out as expected. What money was invested in different stocks. As trustee, I have been forced to liquidate one after another to pay for their care. On top of that, I have been diagnosed with Lupus which has affected my immune system in several areas of my body. I applied for disability in 2012 & I'm still waiting for my court date. I am unable to hold down a job due to several disabilities, the worse one being chronic diarrhea (sorry for my bluntness). Since my parents became incapacitated & my father recently passed, my mother thinks all that money we made belongs to her. Her reasoning is because her father, my grandfather is the one who started the company in 1948. He passed in 1980. When he passed she inherited his shares of the company, along with his money. She reminds me constantly that the money is all hers. This of course hurts & worries my brother & I. We made the money for the company during the last 35 years of its existence. And now she says that none of it belongs to us. We are worried about our future. My mother is so good at convincing people of her authority & has already spent a bit if money to her lawyer, trying to change the POA status to boot me out. Her trust account states that she can hire anyone to be POA no matter how incapable she is. I am in the process of liquidating another stock for her expensive care. I'm not trying to be greedy, but if my disability doesn't come through & she wills the rest of the money to someone else, my bro & I will have to live with that for the rest of our lives. Since she has Alzheimer's, she swings back & forth with her intentions. And it all lays on my lap. I am unable to jump to action every time she calls & wants me to see her. When I do, it makes my condition worse from the stress she puts on me. She will do anything & everything to try to spend her money on unnecessary expenses. And she cries on & on about the loss of her husband or the fact that she is so lonely. I end up with a flare up & will be bedridden for a few days! She doesn't understand my condition & she is constantly calling me. Sometimes I wonder if the money that is left is worth the horrible way she treats me. My brother has always been the "golden boy". He could get by with murder & she would love him. But he stays away from her. Since I still have compassion left for her, she is starting to use me as her puppet. My brother tells me to let go, it's ruining my health. He says the money isn't worth it. I find that hard to believe from him. I'm not really sure who I'm protecting. I'm definitely not protecting myself. Nothing I've done so far has worked. She will remain this way until her time comes. Should I let go of everything? If I do, she will have full control of everything! And she is a horrible, manipulating, mentally ill woman.

SUSANQ1965 - I am so sorry for what has happened. It wasn't supposed to be this way and yet, here it is. I think there are a lot of people in that boat with you unfortunately.

It sounds to me like you need to speak to her doctor and pursue guardianship/conservatorship with the court. ASAP. Your mother is no longer competent and should not be in control of such critical decisions any longer. You do have recourse through the guardian/conservator legal maneuver.

You could possibly even have some of her recent decisions invalidated by having the doctor complete some forms you'll need anyway.

I don't think you can let go and feel unburdened. If you do let go, it sounds like you will still carry this weight and injustice around forever. I would certainly have a hard time putting the resentment and anger away.

I would contact an eldercare lawyer immediately (or faster) to get things under control and stop any further potential losses and bad decisions by your mother.

This may not be a popular idea with anyone, but if anyone involved is going to get out of this OK, somebody has to do the responsible thing and get the arrangements taken care of. Bless you as you go through this journey.

Thank you Sandwich! I think I needed to hear that from someone outside of my circle. I'm trying so hard not to spend unnecessary money, but in the long run there just isn't any other option. I've had an appt set up before & I canceled it. So I will go back on that track again. It's just so hard for me to deal with all the paperwork, payments, scheduling & not knowing how ill I will be from day to day. My illness really digs into valuable time on work I used to do so easily. I will be reading your advice over/over again to give me strength! Thanks so much for your support & intelligence.

My mother was exceptionally domineering, controlling, loud, bossy, mean, and any other way to be that would make people do as she wanted, regardless of the consequences. My mother is a borderline personality/narcissist.

You will need to put some personal boundaries in place to survive this. If she gets ugly, walk away to another room. You can tell her that when she can talk to you without being ugly, you are happy to talk. I had to learn how to respectfully stand up to my mother. She could not learn how to behave, but in the moment, I did not stand around and take the abuse. I would leave my purse in the trunk of my car, so that if I had to make a fast exit, I wouldn't have to look for it. Same for my coat when it was minus 40!

If you have a smart phone, you can record her when she's "putting on a show" and she probably won't know it. You may need this evidence with her doctor and attorney.

No legitimate attorney would allow someone mentally compromised to make changes to their legal documents. If they do, they risk losing their license. You may need to use a different attorney than hers just to avoid conflict of interest.

Keep a journal of the events that transpire with your mom. I had to go back to mine when I needed to write a recap of why I believed my mother needed a guardian. My attorney put this information into the court petition to justify the request, so write it with that in mind. Capture her attitude, whether she was agitated or calm, yelling or not, animated gestures or reserved, swearing, using profane names, etc. Facts, not opinions.

It's going to be turbulent getting this plane off the ground, but once it's at altitude I promise you'll feel better because things are under control and some level of certainty to them.

Thank you to everyone here who has commented. I have read them all, and they have helped me immensely. My mother put me on the chopping block about 6 weeks ago. She is only 72, but she has spent her life on a vicious quest to rid herself of everyone. With my dad's cooperation, over the decades she has dispensed with his entire family--mom, step-dad, brothers, sisters, etc. She has also given the same ultimatums for her own relatives; that is, we had to choose between them and her. My sisters(2) and I are down to one aunt, one of mom's sisters. Mom wants us to cut her out too. We have been resisting for three years. This has caused several screaming, enraged outbursts from her that have lasted up to months at a time. I knew that it was only a matter of time until she started cutting out my sisters and me too. She especially resents me because she is competitive with me, and I am the most honest with her. Her tantrums are characterized also by crying, throwing things, name calling (i.e. f.. lying bitch), locking herself in her room for extended periods. My dad enables her by saying "she's fine" and refusing to get help for her. Of course, when he is standing in the kitchen because she is enraged and locked in her room with firearms, he is afraid that she will shoot him. My most recent infraction involved hurting her feelings by the way that I speak to her. I said that I did nothing wrong and that I was concerned that she should see a doctor because she is making things up (i.e. my dad has a girlfriend--impossible since he cannot leave her side) and she's paranoid. I was given the option to either admit that I am the problem or never be spoken to again. I refused to back down, saying that I was very concerned about my mother. She has always been this way, but I think that she is worse the last few years, and I suspect dementia. One of her sisters died at age 71 in NH with vascular dementia. She was extremely violent and attacked both NH employees and other residents; they expelled her after a resident's family pressed charges. I think that my mother is heading in the same direction. I am afraid of both of my parents. At first, I tried to call them, but they wouldn't answer the phone. I planned to try to get things back on track, but the longer the situation has continued without contact, the less that I want to go back to the S.O.S and emotional blackmail. I asked my husband, a medical doctor, to talk to my parents and recommend medical assessment. He was afraid, too. After listening to all of their excuses, tirades, lying, crying and blaming, he left without any satisfaction. He said that their attitude was "screw you." My sisters are ambivalent; they don't like it either, but as long as they are not "out" (for now, anyway), they want the status quo to go on. They don't have any misguided hope like I did. My situation is different from others here in that my father is still living and is her pawn/ guard dog. Otherwise, the sisters and I would have gotten her help long ago. Mother is extremely manipulative and coquettish. She only sees her (male) doctor when the crises are past, she looks her best, and she tells him that she's depressed. Now, she has been on some kind of mental health drugs for about five decades. We don't know what she takes now. To round out some of the picture, none of my sisters nor I are like her. She has been a terrible mother to me and a bad grandmother to my children. She has never said a kind word to me in my life, and she has never done anything--even grandparents' day at school--with my children. This experience has been like mourning; it is as though my parents are both dead. I guess that you could say that I have been relieved of the duty of trying to keep them happy and "normal." They go nowhere, do nothing, have zero friends, and they hate everybody. I do mean "everybody." DAILY, I would hear the ranting about how someone should assassinate the president and his family (because they are black)! Who can take that??? I should feel good that I don't have to deal with them anymore, but I don't think that the desire to see your parents cared for, or being in the best situation that they can, ever leaves. I have taken note of the books that were recommended by others on this forum regarding BPD, of which I know very little (or a lot, depending on your perspective). I may read some of these, but I'm not sure they will be of use to me. I should, perhaps, seek counseling. I am now afraid that I could become like my mother and her sisters. I feel sure that she is going to end up like my demented aunt, but who knows what it would take to get my dad to call the authorities for a psychiatric emergency. I shudder to think how it could play out. I have used all avenues available to me to persuade them to get checked for dementia (and, yes, my doc husband has called her doctor before), and now, I am dead to them. Thank you for understanding. To most people this is incomprehensible.

Stillstanding1 - Totally comprehensible because I've lived on that crazy island before.

Google "Cluster B Personality Disorders" and you will read about your mother, my mother, and a lot of other mothers. Narcissism, Borderline, and Hystrionic personality disorders are a mental illness dependent on a reign of fear, obligation, guilt (FOG), constant praise, constant attention, and impersonal manipulation of everyone around them. Other people - even their children - are just a means to an end - more attention. It's a mental illness and she can no more change that about herself than I can decide to grow taller another 6 inches tomorrow. There is no cure, only treatment of symptoms.

LOCK UP THOSE GUNS NOW!!!! so she can't get to them. This is a matter of simply being responsible. You can NOT have guns around a mentally ill dementia patient. Unless you want to get shot or have her get shot by accident. Think about how that would read in the police report. Think of the safety of everyone who lives around you. DO THIS NOW.

I would STRONGLY suggest getting your mother OUT of your house faster than immediately or you are going to end up in the hospital, not her. She needs to be seen by a neurologist and a geriatric psychiatrist. You may need to get her placed in a memory care residence to make the psych visits possible. Cluster B people will die fighting any attempt to get them into a psych's office, so it has to be done in a way she can't refuse or run away. In these places, it's just another doctor that comes to see them in their room. You will have nothing to do with it as far as she can tell.

She needs to be in memory care because she is out of control and a danger to herself and others. Memory care is setup to specifically handle the wild behavior and surprises of dementia. They are also setup to handle the psychiatric aspect of this while a regular old-age-home is probably not going to be able to handle that. Not willingly anyway and not for long.

Next time she pulls a dramatic stunt - call 911 - and let the police take her away. Have her sent to the hospital for psych observation. Some places it's called "Baker Acted", but it's involuntary commitment. This will buy you time to find another place for her to stay. You should work with the hospital social worker to get this setup because SHE IS NOT COMING BACK TO THAT HOUSE. This is a very important thing to keep from happening regardless of what kind of show-timing she does for the doctors.

You - if you can't get into therapy (and believe me, I understand how logistically impossible that is sometimes) read "Surviving the Borderline Mother". It will change your outlook, it will empower you to have boundaries and learn to see past your mother's theatrics so you can get her into safe care and put some distance between the two of you.

Please come back to let us know how it's going!! We've been through it all.

Somehow I misread that she is living in your home, not her home. No matter, the guns have to go or be disarmed and locked away from her and she still needs to be in memory care.

Dad probably will be an obstacle because he's enmeshed. Your choices have nothing satisfactory in the list because they are all sad in some way -
Walk away, try to help and get clobbered & abused, or do nothing and try to stay close and get clobbered & abused.

Your dad has no hope of recovery while she is in that home with him, and this may be a lost cause.

If you think it's a lost cause, you can report them to their county adult protection and make an anonymous report of a vulnerable adult. That may be all you can really do even though it seems like you have the willingness to really help them out.

Sometimes we have to know when to back completely away and let nature take its course, as sad as that choice is.

::HUGS:::

GET THE GUNS OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW!!!!! Dementia and firearms are not a good mix.This should be the first health concern.Get rid of the guns then focus on what care they need, what care they will accept or not and you may unfortunately have to back off until something "bad" happens like a fall.Also is you are able to get her to the ER for an "episode" make it very clear she isn't coming to your house and that she can not live alone and get a hospital social worker on the case.The hospital will want to place her quickly as they want to clear that bed out for another patient.Refuse to bring her into your home,if she is having big behavioral issues it takes more than one shift of people to deal with this.

Call APS, tell them what you have told us - there is a psychiatrically impaired, demented elder whose caregiver is allowing her regular access to firearms. If they can't do anything then you have done what you can. Watching train wrecks in slow motion with no way to stop them is a terrible burden. I do not think you will end up like that. You have empathy and do not primarily cope with life via denial and blame of other people.

Thank you Sandwich42plus, Texarkana, and Vstefans for your responses, especially the hugs. Removing the guns would be ideal, but I was the only person brave enough to have tried it, and I am not allowed at their home anymore. I will suggest it to my youngest sister, who may be able to do it while they are out of the house, but I doubt that she will. Things in our family have been like this for so long that we--and especially my baby sister--consider it "normal." Every time that I point something ridiculous out about our situation, she makes excuses and says, "oh well, it's never going to change." So be it, but I'm not going to participate in the fun anymore. My sisters are going to have to get a lot tougher than they are now or be destroyed by mom (and dad). As for getting help at the ER, my husband is an ER physician and has been trying to get her to come in for an evaluation for two years. She (and dad) refuse. The more that he pushes, the more hateful that they are. If she has another type of emergency AND we know about it, we might be able to get her evaluated. You see, even when you think that you have the ability to get something done, it is a fail. I am going to check into APS, but judging from the posts that I have read here, I doubt that they would do anything right now. This all sounds pretty negative and hopeless for the time being. I did read up a little on the Cluster B Personality Disorders. I try not to feel angry or hurt--not take it personally, but it is really difficult. In fact, I thought that I would be more successful in talking to mom and dad if I was calm and reasonable. That was a fail too. There is no way to achieve a happy and healthy family with people like this. I will report back if there is any change.

Thank you magnum the difference for me with this forum is that it's my husband.

There is so much comfort (and heartbreak) in these posts. Thank you all for sharing your experiences and advice. It has truly been a godsend to have found this forum, for I too am struggling with an aging mother – a five decade relationship fraught with pain and anger and crazily enough, peppered with love.

I made up this little piece of wisdom, “How you treat them when they are young, is how they will treat you when you are old.” In this case, it is a daily reminder to not repeat the mistakes my mother made when I was growing up. To embrace kindness, understanding and above all patience, but sadly, at times, my battle is a collision between past and present.

As my mother prepares to leave this world, she is angry and afraid, bitter and in pain. Despite accusations to the contrary, I am responsible for none of this. On good days, when I am strong, I am understanding and sympathetic. On bad days, I am ashamed to admit, I remind her that she is responsible for her misery and sorrow.

I take solace in the many lessons I have learned from my mother and her life, but the most important one of all, if left unchecked, will ravage you worse than cancer and that is anger. Like a tree, it will plant itself and continue to grow into old age, where the bitter roots will wind up destroying itself.

These spammers like the one above are quite bold to crash in during the say, spread their mess and then close their account before being detected. I'm glad that we now have fewer spammers than we had before!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow! I feel you have the same mom as I do! I just added my own story on the medications section! My mother and I have never been close. She was an alcoholic tried slashing her wrists and even tried to suffocate me with a pillow when I was 7! She was laying in my bed and said I am sorry Debbie but I have to do this! I grabbed the pillow off my face and ran out of the room! I have PTSD from my childhood. I am now 55 and she calls me a slut, whore, she says I shack up every night with a different man! She truly has never been my mom! My grandmother raised me along with aunts and uncles! Now her Dr. Is over medicating her and she is in her glory with all the meds she gets! I care about her well being and trying to get her away from this idiot Dr. But it is taking a toll on me. I truly understand about the holidays although last year thanksgiving thru Easter she was too sick to come! Not sure where this years holidays will end up. I feel the same and not sure I want to spoil anyone's time! Yet the guilt kills you! In my case I want her in AFL where she needs to be! I want my life back know she is safe and can enjoy my children and grandchildren! I feel they suck the life right out of you! She threatens to kill herself all the time and I worry but inside you get so tired of living the same way in a life time! Good luck I hope you enjoy your family this Chistmas! I thought the comment about visiting her and bringing her gifts maybe earlier in the day or the following day would be the best alternative! Have a stress free time with your family! When we don't get the live and nurturing as kids outsells we want to give it back to our own family! I don't want them living the way I had to! I refuse to let this happen! Put yourself first no guilt needed!

I can relate to everyone. I am the oldest of 3, i was my moms caregiver when she was dying cause my dad did not want to step up to the plate and help. he always felt his bible study or church was more important then his own wife. When mom passed away, dad would not answer his cell phone claimed he could not hear it. He would not hold a memorial for her just felt sorry for himself. Now mom has been gone for 4 yrs dad is now 70 and is a major hoarder. All he wants to do is sit in his chair, eat ice cream or watch multi tv's at oncce. When he talks to me he talks like he is shouting . He refuses to go to the dr and get a physical or tests done, he can not hear. Its driving me insane. I even go to college and work at a hotel and he treats me like I am a lil girl and I am 47!!. He keeps telling me the wrongs of transferring to a new position at the hotel i am with. What do i do before this drives me to my own grave