She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
Since this thread is 4 years old, you may want to consider starting a new thread with your question for you may get help quicker that way.
First of all, if her attempt to kill you was rather recent, that needs to be reported. She has obviously become a danger to others. I don't quite understand why you didn't report her attempt to kill you other than she is your mother. However, she does not sound like she is currently behaving like the mother you once knew. Thus, you need to see her more as someone who needs help that is putting you in danger.
If she ever even threatens to kill you or herself, don't ignore that, but call 911 and have her committed to the hospital for professional help.
Your profile mentions that she has alzheimer's / dementia. What you describe is not typical behavior from those medical problems.
Not taking a shower for 5 months and blaming it on you because you ask her too is a sign of depression and possibly more that is going on inside of her.
When was she seen last by her doctor? She needs to see her doctor again soon and you need to tell the doctor in advance what is going on. I do hope you already have medical POA over her.
Does your mother have any mental illnesses? If so, what meds does she take and is she taking them?
Call her doctor in the morning and make her an appointment as soon as possible. It may help them how urgent this needs to take place by giving them a brief summary like you wrote above. They may be able and wiling to work her in because of the great need in this situation.
Again, if you feel at any point tonight that she is a danger to herself or to others don't hesitate to call 911 and get immediate help.
With her only being 75, I guess that you probably gave up a rather good job with plenty more years to work and build up your own retirement.
Take care and keep in touch.
I'm an only child, I'm 49 and have a 19 year old daughter.
My Mom is 72. She's been a bully her entire life. I'm her target. I can't take it anymore.
I was born with scoliosis and had the corrective surgery in 1977. I started to have serious problems with the hardware in my back, and was also diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.
I've had to apply for disability, and I was approved.
in 2012 my Mom "borrowed" over $4,000.00 from me and my daughter. I was preparing to have surgery, and she even borrowed my insurance deductible. I waited and waited for her to repay it. She never did and I was not able to have surgery. She even made jokes about repaying me "someday."
When I filed for disability, I had 6 thousand in davings, and 2 thousand in my 401k. This was what me and my daughter planned to live on as my disability case slowly wound it's way through court. I needed what mom owed me desperately. I have apartment rent, I HAD a new car I almost had paid off, insurance, and regular bills. Plus my baby was still in school. Her senior year with a class to g, graduation pictures and all the expenses associated with your kid graduating. She was also preparing for college.
Well...my savings didn't last forever and I went to Mom.
I don't even know where to begin. She's screamed at me, told me I wasted money, I need to repay her. She's grudgingly helped me the bare minimum with rent.
I've lost car, my phone. We are just scraping by as I wait for payments to begin. We've gone without food ever so often, because Mom, well I let her, used my food stamps for herself. She's taken food that I got from a food bank and hoarded it away.
I've gone without filling my medications because I don't even have the $10.00 per script to do it.
and all the while mom is out "pissing" money off. Wal Mart 2 or 3 times a week, grocery store a couple times per wk, Goodwill, twice last wk, eating out. I dot know why she used our food money when she grocery shops and eats out. She gets herself every single morning without fail a Coke from the fountain at the gas station.
It's really gotten to me as I struggle.
I can't find the gumption to mention my money she owes me and my daughter. Yes, she even "bortowed" from my daughter.
Mom has been, when I call, screaming at me, blaming me for her financial situation, telling me I was a burden on her. She began running my child down. Mom made her cry today which was the last straw. Mom is verbally abusive to both of us.
And thinking back on my life, she's always been a bully. And for some reason, I've let her get away with it.
She cussed at me like sailor, which is very offensive. She says things like "Jes*s f***ing Chr*st! Or mother****er. You get the idea.
She's also become a huge racist. Using words like spick and nigger. She does this in public and its just awful. She knows better! She never did this in the past.
She's bad mouthed me and my child down to other family members. Told them I quit my banking job with no savings! abd am relying on her support.
She has zero sympathy for my condition, which I don't care at this point. But by God, you better ask after her and her sudden onset of various illnesses. The latest which is an ingrown toenail. Kid you not. She had it cut out yesterday and can barely walk. She wanted band aids for the toe. But my band aids I offered weren't up to par. she wanted to buy her own and she needed cay food, and I need to pay her back. In truth, I'm on debt to her for way less than she borrowed from me.
I used to tell people mom was my best friend, because she was. We talked everyday and it was awesome. we all got together every Sunday and did dinner and arts n crafts. Went to movies, shopped, when we spent money out, I always paid. She would leave me holding the bill, every single time. I didn't much mind, because she's my Mom and I enjoyed her company. She was always in a good mood and fun for me n my child to be around.
I see now I was buying her affection and friendship.
I'm hurt beyond words.
In 2012, my Dad was murdered. He n Mom have been divorced since 1984. And mother was actually happy daddy was killed. She said "The motherf***er got what he deserved!" Or "I'm not sorry it happened. I hope the motherf***er rots in hell.!" I never realized before she had so much hate in her heart.
They fought over money. Dad wasn't abusive to us, he didn't drink or do drugs. I think he may have run around on Mom a few times. I don't condone that, but d*mb, who can blame him? She harped on money even back then. Her whole life has been about lack of money She had a well paying job. Claimed she made $25.00/hr. And she saved none of it. She's gone to me off and on throughout he years for loans. And she did repay them.
I hate asking my Mom to repay me. But her treatment of me, and her nasty demands to pay her back gave pissed me off. She has no idea how much she owes me, indeed, she seems to have forgotten that I made over 200 deposits into her account. She's charged things on my credit card and never paid for them.
Last week she even ran me down to my daughter behind my back.
I am so depressed over this, and my child is too. She wants Granny to ge a part of our lives. But all this can't be ignored. I don't know how to even begin to bring it up. She is going to be furious. Because I've been a doormat all my life.
How can I fix our relationship? Can it be fixed? Where do I start? Do I repay her? Demand my money back? I'm so sad and can't stop crying. :(
Anywho, I think primarily you need to focus on you, taking care of you and taking care of your 19 year old child. Are they working?
I don't see fixing the relationship at this point until she gets seen by a doctor and you find out more what is wrong with her if she has never been this way before.
It's too bad that you don't have any money for you sure could benefit from seeing a therapist.
I hope you get some extra ideas from others.
Please do something nice for you and your 19 year old today.
Keep in touch!
Love, prayers and cyber hugs.
The typos are fine. Here's an idea that I have tried with my smart phone but I'm at my desktop right now.
When you bring the keyboard up to type on your phone, look for a microphone down on the left. Press it and you can speak your post into the thing. The only command that I learned is to say period at the end of a sentence and it will put a period. I do this now with text messaging. Good luck.
Please call 911 now. You're in a bad place and you need professional help. Contact friends and family also to get their support.
You need to see a psychiatrist to manage your depression meds in the future, but right now you need immediate help through calling 911.
There is also a possibility that your diabetes meds need adjusting but more likely your anti depressants.
Your therapist is a jerk for laughing at you and saying that is just how things are between mothers and daughters. They must have issues of their own in that area.!!
You need a new therapist. What kind of therapist were they? Some are not very well trained.
"I'm just so sick or her controlling me like she does." That is not normal, healthy, mom/daughter stuff. That's emotional blackmail which is abuse. Please look up emotional blackmail on this site.
First of all dial, 911 for help because currently you are a danger to yourself! Call now!!
I hope you have already called 911.
Gin - Try another therapist. The one you got sounds like she just didn't get it.
Thanks for getting back with us and I'm glad things were not as bad as you certainly did sound. I also found the statement "I'm ready to go overdose her with my insulin! " a bit alarming. That made you sound like a danger to others.
Your health insurance website should be able to tell you who in your area is covered by your policy. I would look for someone who is a LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker. I like them because they are trained to be aware of social dynamics like what goes in a family system and in clinical stuff of what goes on inside of people. So, it's like the best of both worlds. In your situation, you don't need someone right out of school. Also, if there are any difference who which gender you find the easiest to open up to, go with that. There are some women because of their background experiences who frankly do better talking to a female therapist because their knee jerk reaction to a man is to clam up. Some men have similar issues.
BTW, what anti-depressants are you on and how long have you been taking them.
Anyway, suicidal ideation or thoughts need to be watched closely. If they become specific, like an actual plan, then you do need 911.
Take care and keep in touch.
When you are a small dependant child, it is vitally important to you to please your parents, but especially your mother. That is biological strategy, the appealing qualities of the infant.
Scroll forward a few decades, and although you are a grown woman with any number of accomplishments and abilities under your belt, that person there is still your mother. If old habits die hard, then the habits you formed from birth must die extremely hard, if ever. And if your mother is the type whom you can never hope to satisfy, you're on an endless treadmill of trying and failing to please her. Hence the habit of guilt.
If anyone knows how this can be overcome would they please bottle it and distribute it. I'm currently anxious about my SIL who has just resigned her job and seems to me to be rushing headlong towards a major breakdown. Her mother is a classic BPD Queen with Witch moments and my SIL is so deeply enmeshed that I'm completely stumped - how do I help her husband winkle her out of this bind without hurting her? Rhetorical question, really; I've been puzzling over this for thirty plus years and I'm no further forward.
Our narcissistic parents groomed us to feel guilty so that they could emotionally blackmail us. Look up the emotional blackmail thread on this site.
The way out involved detaching from the emotional blackmail dance and usually get a therapist because those emotional buttons are planted rather deep.
It's hard labor but worth it on the other side. Some never try out of fear or other reasons while others get part way there and they just don't have the professional and non professional support to keep their MO high.
It does take a clear focus on taking no prisoners in pursuing your as well as a damn the torpedoes passion like that Navy Admiral who said that on the way to victory for the torpedoes did not explode.
Good luck and keep in touch.
Great question that has been asked a lot.
Unless she sees the light of her enmeshement and her eternal seeking for mom's approval which she's extremely unlikely to ever get despite how much she sacrifices. She sounds a lot like my SIL who has two master degrees, and did well in her field of work. However, she is about to break under the strain of a borderline which queen also. Her worshipfullness demand a lot from her slave/eternal child/adult/daughter as well as her husband who is very tired of the enmeshment but is too weak
My SIL was seeing a therapist, not following her advice and then stop seeing her because she said that her insurance would not cover it. Lie! We have the same policy with the same company. She just could not bring herself to do things to protect herself.
My wife can't afford to be sucked into that drama for she fought her way out of it and has been told to stay a 3 hour drive away from her mom and to never be the hands on, direct caregiver for her mother.I can't get drug into it for my SIL want be a time to be the substitute strong dad she never had or the substitute strong husband that she does not have because she chose someone more like her dad.
I tried the route of fighting my wife's battle for her, but that did not set her free. It was not until a few years into therapy when she was faced with a situation on her own that the major light bulb went off and she started making changes.
Both she and her husband need to be in therapy which is the standard advice for anyone dealing with a family member with borderline personality disorder. If they want go, he should go for he's going to need the support and guidance they can provide. For example, I was setting boundaries with my wife and family for our own protections which my wife agreed to and then broke because of her enmeshment with her mom, which surprise but my wife experienced some consequences from. He may have to do something similar too.
What kind of personality is her husband and how strong is he?
What frustrates me very much about my SIL is that about 14 years ago, I went over with her the basic information about BPD, actually showed her segments of books that I loaned her like Understanding the Borderline Mother. So, she sees what this has done and is doing to her marriage plus knows the therapist is right, but she's seeking for mom to be someone she isn't and is not going to be. Plus she's enmeshed with her mom like and eternal, infantalized child/adult who is still viewed as a child and like a parentfitied child/adult who is to act like she is her mom's parent, her mom to take care of her all under a twisted view of honor thy parents.
Does she know her mother has BPD? Do you think giving her the book Understanding the borderline mother might get read and help? There are two more helpful books if she's interested. One is a book about not walking on eggshells and the other is the workbook. Maybe your brother would gain from reading those three books.
I wish I had answer that fit neatly in a bottle. If I did, I would have a lot of money.
Keep in touch.
Good!
It's the thread that has a definition of emotional abuse, where it comes from, who does it. why it is so powerful, how to defeat it and why it defeats some.
I've shared this in other one place but given your situation, I'll share this here. I think think lay beneath much of the enmeshment issues that go along with this that we have to fight our way out of to stop the blackmail dance.
Here are my four levels of enmeshment that I’ve seen in children of borderline and narcissistic parents.
You just might be able to find online articles on these four categories or types.
1. The eternal child who has been groomed by a parent to always respond like they are still the little girl or little boy. Technically that is called infantalism. I have a relative who is still in bondage by this in her early 60's and somehow her marriage has lasted, but not well. She's been to therapy, but quit. She at times wants someone else to fight her war for her, but she want fight.
2. The hurting child. They seek to compensate for something that was absent from their childhood. They very often will endure abuse that not one else would in order to possibly see the parent become the loving, non-abusive parent that the never were. Sad to say, but they never will despite all presumptive hope that they will be the exception
3. The parent/child. The overly responsible parent/child who is groomed emotionally to feel responsible for the parent almost as if there were their parent. That's called parentification.
4. The partner child. This is called covert incest. In my opinion this is the absolute deepest and by far the hardest to get out of.
All can be gotten out of with effort and the help of a therapist. But like those above they have to hit a point of desperation that something needs to change and they are not sure what.
The partner child is when a parent makes a child their emotional partner either because the spouse is gone because of divorce or death.
Some do this with a child because they are not getting such emotional support from their spouse and it is easier to do this than deal with the marriage problems. Very often in this relationship the parent will share things with the child that should never be said. I have a very close relative that this happened to. Their same sex parent told them all about their sex like with their other parent. I'm surprised they got their own life and got married, but I'm glad they did.
From my observations and what my therapist tells me there are more partner adutl/children and partner children than we realize. I think that's all I'll say about that.
I think I mentioned this anecdote in the dysfunctional families thread - I asked her what she could tell me about BPD and she said "I know it has a very poor prognosis - why? Who do you know who's got BPD?"
Her husband, bless him and thank God for him, has the strongest moral fibre and most profound sense of duty of anyone I know. He is a rock. He won't let her down. But she called me yesterday evening - we were on the phone for nearly an hour - and I just have a sinking feeling that her head is about to explode and it may be that there isn't anything he can do except wait and clear up afterwards.
I'm going to give her a call and see how she's doing.
Here's how I see this breaking down.
1. SIL's enmeshment plut BPD mom will captivate SIL for it sounds like the F.O.G. is strong with mom.
Sorry, but it helps to put it this way so it does not sound so overwhelmingly serious. It is very serious!
2. Wifey "SIL" will become more and more engulfed by the F.O.G. and begin to feel like she lives in the world of Oz and no longer in Kansas unless she gets a therapist to help her overcome the F.O.G. and keep her feet in Kansas.
3. If "wifey" keeps on this path unaided, then "hubby" will begin to feel emotionally abandoned and less married to his wife for there will basically two in "wifey's head", her and her mom. That will make him feel like he's married to more than one person that that there's now three where there use to be 2.
4. As "wifey" spirals down deeper into the F.O.G., hubby will feel a need to speak up. That's where how strong he is will count.
Strong morale fiber is great and will keep him from an affair, but him feeling like he's a single man though married is not his biggest problem at that point.
His biggest problem will be getting "wifey" to talk with him and really listen, if she can." If he could talk with her sooner that wait till this point, she might be more open to listen.
His strong sense of duty could trip him up. 1. He may feel that he just needs to be responsible and not speak up until his pain is just overwhelming. That doesn't help her or him. 2. His sense of duty may make him feel like trying to be her knight in shinning armor who rides in on the white horse to rescue the dasmal in distress, but that only works in fairy tales.
There are three important things for him to know. 1. he didn't make his wife enmeshed with his MIL nor did he make her how she is. 2. He can's control either one of them 3. He can't fix either one of them.
What he's got to do is find a healthier path for him to walk regardless of what others do or do not do. That's tough, but that's reality. .
5. If "wifey" gets completely lost, then everything else may be lost.
As far as wifey goes, she'll get depressed, anxious, frustrated, bitter, angry and at some point feel like she's lost. If it goes on long enough with her not getting any help she will be lost like my SIL is right now.
Bottom lines is "hubby's" don't like these dynamics anymore than "wifey's" when they have to deal with them. The emotions of decreased intimacy, abandonment, and the awareness of a third person's presence is the same, but men want normally say it directly. We have other ways to act out our hurt feelings. Basically from what I've seen women talk about their feelings, men act out their feelings if they are not comfortable talking about them.
I hope this helps. What I meant by is your brother strong is not about his morale fiber or sense of responsibility, but can he and will he stand up for himself. Backing her up with be good and important, but he can only do so much. It's her war, not his battle. She can 't hide behind his pants and she can't make him look like her to go fight her war.
Take care!
My wife has her PhD in Social Psychology and she had a time getting her freedom. Education was not enough. Her mom had made her a partner and an eternal child long ago.
I used to go back and forth continuously to hope in my heart I would get a glimpse of niceness of her but she has never changed I've been depressed,anxious had to see a councillor because the way she has made me feel in life she would beat me and call me names and how I was a b****** and she should have left me with my dad who left when I was 6 weeks old.
Now she is 74 and I am 48 I now realise that she will never be the mum I wanted I actually don't like her as a person I pity her for all she has missed out on myself and kids who she barely knows I now talk to her now and again and try to rise above her bitterness and hate but now won't hesitate for a moment to cut her out my life in a second if she starts being abusive toward me again which she had done for years I think she knows now that I am not willing to tolerate her.
The last time I told her on the phone there was no need for her to act the way she did and I was sick of it I hung up and never spoke to her for two weeks she forgets that everyone had their own life and problems but to her its all about her she does not care about anyone apart from herself.
It hurts when you want a normal mother bit it hurts more to have to put up with her behaviour and the adverse affects it has on us who find it hard to cope with it.
You have your own life to consider you only get one shot of it no matter what even if they are family members it shouldn't matter to earn respect they must be able to give it out never feel guilty ever live your life for you now and the people who love you.
If you can't separate your sad past and visiting and caring for your mom is making you ill, then resign your POA, if that is what keeps you coming back. I'm not sure I understand why someone in an AL needs hands on care a week or two out of every month, unless your mom needs a higher level of care.
Have you asked the staff about how she is when you're not there? Is it possible she's happy as a clam, going to activities and such the rest of the time and is only grumpy when she has an audience ? Does the staff laugh off her comments as the sad products of a demented brain, as you should?
I hope you can find some peace in this situation.
She is desperately trying to enter my life again, and even thousands of miles away, listening to her by phone, I am left crippled in the fetal position again by phone. The no-contact has to been reinstated.
A dysfunctional toxic bond tied us together. A lot of people talk about feeling guilty about hating their mothers who abuse them. Actually, what tied me to my mother is carrying her shame. And that is a heavy, horrible load to carry. It infiltrates me. I don't have to carry her shame anymore. I am much happier without my mother in my life. I am AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, and TALENTED person without her shame.
As you have surmised, this is not normal behavior. Surviving terrible health crises does not make a "normal" person mean and self centered. Age DOES seem to shrink one's mental universe, so that elder's often don't see the effect of their demands on others, but what you're talking about sounds like a more serious, situation, perhaps a mental disorder.
Just letting you know your not alone everything you write about your mom is exactly what I am going through except my mom is living with me now. She argues over everything I cannot have a conversation with her without arguing or she is a know it all. She was in a retirement home but the rent was increasing to $500.00 and I pay her pharmacy bills and her health insurance. And cannot pay for the increase of her rent. Anyways I am beside my self. Just wanted you to know how much our stories are able. Hope things get better for you.