My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

From your description, that does not sound like much of a family to be around and I can see why your siblings stay away. Who wants that abuse?

How did she not alienate you?

A person who has lived like your mom has all of her life is not going to change late in light. They are who they are and that is very sad.

I truly understand how you feel. I´m 58 and have also been abused by my mother (and father) my entire life; I´m at my witts end now and ready to use medication secretly; she should have been medicated decades ago...both of them want no meds whatsoever and expect to be served regardless of their rotten personalities...I really want to dttach from these 2 abusers, but the guilt is too great! We are 3 sibblings, but I am leaving with both abusers in 11 days; we´re going to join my sister...my brother has had it with them...Leave if you can, the abuse will just get worse...take care.

You may need to see a therapist to help get past the guilt for you have done nothing wrong. It sounds to me that their abuse may have also groomed you to be the one to take care of them using guilt as the button to keep you there.

My mother would give your mother a run for her money. Mine plotted sons against sons and still Does. I ran when I was 17 and never I looked back. She vile, vulgar, greedy, bipolar nut case and the meanest person I ever met. She lives with her 70 year old step son. She called him a mar Manoni bastard(his birthmothers name)his whole life. The fool is nasty, lazy and kisses her ass to get her house. He is still living in his child hood bedroom and never left. My mother wanted her 3 sons to be like that. She cost my brother 2 marriages with her nasty ways. She lost her youngest sons recently and he was worst than her. Anyone that had met her ran. Fights and screaming daily. As a child the dinner table was thrown at who ever got in her way. Hot coffee and cups in the face as you sat there talking with her. When she dies and leaves me the dollar I have been promised, I will put it on her grave. My father tried hanging himself and failed in the basement. She also set him on fire because he brought a chair in the basement from his first in-laws.

Wow--all of you have suffered so!!! Me, too! I like J Thurman saying we can't let the beasts get away with all they get away with. My 95-year-old Grande Dame just seems to get stronger and more toxic and not only insults and threatens me (I've whittled my miserable visits to Xmas only and even that is dreadful), but threatens everyone else at her wildly expensive assisted living community. She openly insults fellow residents in the dining room during meals and I've had the executive director strike terror in my heart when he told me that they are going to ask her to leave. I live in 500 sq feet (I felt I never deserved more) in another city and don't own a car and have a bad back at 65. This rich and arrogant Pit Viper has ruined my life--making to flee the two nice husbands I had-- and only a great therapist I found recently saved me from jumping off a bridge. Oh there is a little secret: there is NO rent control in assisted living facilities. They can raise the rent/prices at any time with no oversight. What are the rest of us going to do? Wander the streets and live in lean-to homeless sites or in Quonset huts? Remember the poor daughter of Zsa Zsa Gabor who died last year virtually homeless and penniless at 60-something, Francesca? Daughters of narcissistic movie-star type mothers suffer with the "mirror-mirror on the wall" problem--having to adore someone you fear is the essence of masochism and self-neglect.

My mother made our lives miserable for my entire life for all we three children and for my father who was her ever-loving and devoted servant. He took the emotional abuse for all of his life. Two of we three kids are dead with both of the deaths partially responsible for my mother;s emotional abuse. I left home at 16, stuck with school, married a nice guy who is a great father and my soul mate. He accepts me at my worse and recently when I tried to care for my mother and what it does to me as she berates me as I am doing everything that she is asking and plays her favourite "head games" that she has mastered (she knows every button to press -she has had a life time to figure this out. My dad is now elderly and we have never "argued over a cracker" as I call it and love each other deeply. She kept my dad and I apart for most of my life threatening to sell the house if he contacted or spoke with me. Finally they were forcibly removed from their home. I really did try to look after both but it was breaking me apart. I could only look after two things: My own family and my father and so I made that "Sophie's Choice-sort of choice" so I could retain my sanity. I"m sorry that I just could not be the "bigger person" but it would have been at the cost of losing the mother (me) of my own children and so it's me, my kids and Grandpa who will be going to a lovely nursing home due to his intense health needs. Right now I see him in the hospital most everyday. My mother lost her rights to be his medical decision maker and they gave that to me so finally broken and in bits, I get my dad back and she could care less, she is so selfish. He has lost his use to her and so she threw him under the bus just like she did me more times than I care to mention. She does deserve to die alone, unloved and surrounded only by the paid help who can only stand her because they need the paycheck. I might have to have a discussion with God when I get to the pearly gates but I have decided to save the people I can including myself. That's my best. I'm a retired teacher and I have said that to students and my own children all my life: "try your best and that is good enough" and now I need to take my own advice. I hope anyone out there struggling with this same issue can love themselves and their own immediate family enough to have the strength to make sure that these narcissistic mothers or fathers have shelter, food, clothing and necessities. "Respect thy mother and father". That will cover it and move on with your life. I just had the Christmas from hell and I'm not riding that rodeo ever again, as they say.

Dad, sis, and I endured exactly this sort of tyranny for over 50 years.
Now mom is so aphasic from Alzheimers she can barely finish a sentence and has become clingy and needy.
Not a scary bully anymore.

Yeah I was going with that one and started bringing her over gourmet food, doing her housework as she heckled me and reminded me of how much I looked like the sister she was jealous of. I thought the "Days of Anger and Cruelty" were nearly over and she sucked me in big time until the head games got worse and she started saying "I always was Daddy's Little Girl" and demanded that I spend more time helping her than my father who was nearly dead in hospital. 84 and still a bully. Ur lucky that dimentia got rid of the horribleness in your mother. With my mother she is going down with the ship as a rotten person and quite proud of it in fact. Some people are just plain mean. I have searched my heart and soul and have a degree in sociology and education and there are just "bad people". It is more than likely mental illness but it is even stated in the Human Rights Code that "a person's illness or handicap cannot hurt other people". I had to walk away.

Silly heart you are so right. Some people are just plain ole mean. Nothing that anyone can do will change that, especially when they're old. Looking at it from their perspective, why should they change? They've gotten away with it for 80+ years..looks like it's working for them. I think we, as children, are hanging on because deep inside of us, there is still that yearning for our parents to love us, appreciate us and be proud of us. It has to be that. Because if these people were strangers to us, we would walk away from them the first time they belittled us or harangued us. Right? It's a cruel trick of nature in my book. You spend your childhood trying to survive intact their cruelty, you grow up and move out and you think you've won. You are surviving, you are free of it all. Then they get old and/or infirm and you get sucked back into your childhood. All the old feelings, forebodings and anxieties come flooding right back as if they were just waiting in the wings the entire time.

I totally understand you! My nasty father is now in the hospital with massive thrombosis in both sides of the brain, the Dr thinks he will be non functional with this much clotting, but it still makes me sad to know that he´s probably trapped in his body hearing all the staff talking about how badly off he is... iasked for them not to say those things near him & she said they have to; I don´t agree with that! It´s bad enough to be trapped in your body; he´s the type of person who wanted to last forever.
I allow you to stay away from your mother; I have to do the same with both my parents & I know that they are so miserable & would be better off joining my little sister whose passing is causing them way too much pain! Hugs, Hope

Thanks TheHatedOne. I am staying away from her. She has gone to live with my son and nephew and is now causing them extreme grief. Honestly, I thought she'd be fine with them since they're really the only people left on earth that she acts like she cares anything about. But nope. Within 24 hours she was up there giving 'em hell. They're about to lose their minds. I have decided she's dead to me regardless of anything. My son asked me to call her today and I refused. I told him I would do anything for him and my nephew but not to ever ask me to call her or talk with her because it's not going to happen. So I'm sitting down here calling around trying to find a suitable place for her to live (not with my son and nephew) while she abuses them and causes them so much stress that my son is afraid he'll wind up losing his job because she won't stop. Even when he goes to work, she's constantly on the phone calling him wanting him to come home and check on the dogs, or come home and fix her something to eat. She's more than capable of fixing her own meals. She not senile at all, she's walks just fine with her walker....she just wants someone to do for her at her command. Last night he cooked dinner and said she complained the whole time she was eating that whatever he cooked wasn't what she wanted and it's no wonder he's single....it just never stops with her. Sorry, made it all about myself again didn't I? Sorry. I'm very sad to hear about your dad. I pray that you get peace before you get too old to be able to enjoy it. That's my fear. That my mother will either outlive me or wait until I'm old and senile so I never get a chance to be happy. Hugs to you. I'm here for you.

Sounds like your son is on his way to losing his job and not have a good recommendation from his current employer to a new one. :(

I'd take a bullet for a stranger but sometimes you have to think of the ones that really need you not your little inner child that didn't get or meet with the approval that you should have gotten. Your mother is never going to turn in to June Cleaver, Shirley Partridge or Mrs. Brady and we have to accept that somehow God was on a coffee break or something when our little "baby souls" were sent to earth and we were sent by accident to "Mommy Dearest".

The topper was today when I found out that my father would be dead within one to three months. He is in hospital right now. i gave it one last try and phoned her. I said something to the effect of "Mother, we have to put everything behind us and focus on Dad. I know though he is unconscious most of the time now that he would probably prefer to die at home versus the hospital. He will need nursing help from the CCAC (Community Care Access Centre -free help three hours a day) you know to help with the pills and bath. As well I think we should get his cataract done so that for his last three or so months he can see his grandkids (that she denied him contact with btw). Her response "I don't want anyone in the house" (She has been Form 1-ed twice and fears that anyone with any sense would suggest that she be committed) and even more nutty: "Why would he need to be clean if he is dying?"

Well, I'm still sitting here this morning. I have been thinking of how much better it would be if my mother would either die or begin to live. Right now we are stuck in this dying that has been going on for 6 years or more. For two weeks she is too sick to do anything, like she is dying, then she perks up for a week. Then it's back to dying. Sometimes I don't think there is really anything wrong with her except she's nutty and dependent.

Isn't it odd that a parent who gave so little can expect so much from their children? And it is even odder when they belittle the person who does it. But what do we do?

Jessie, it's interesting that you say that. My observation since being here is that it's adult children who have the worst relationships with their parents who seem to think they should be doing hands on care. Not sure why that should be.

I don't know, either, Babalou. I've noticed the same. Golden children don't seem to be involved as often. Maybe there is a Cinderella complex created by low self esteem in abused/neglected children. Or maybe it is because these children often walk a rockier road than others that may end up in failed marriages or loss jobs, so they are available. Who knows? I don't think it is because the children are trying to win approval, as is often said. That is just a pop-psych answer that doesn't ring true. I have the feeling the story of Cinderella is closer.

Those are interesting questions, Jessie. I can only look at what's gone on iny own extended family. In one very dysfunctional pocket, the son, the golden child, bery much failed to launch and came back "home" to caregive only to be castigated by the rest of the family. I'm sure someone's doctoral dissertation is here, awaiting research.

Or because they're trying to re-run the parenting and get it right? I suspect myself of that, sometimes.

Oh, the failure to launch kid is definitely in the short line to be caregiver. It's strange, though, that some of these end up living with the parent, but not helping very much. We've had some examples here where an unlaunched son did nothing, while the sister had to come in to help. I see another dissertation there.

Babalou, my opinion on why adult children who have the worst relationship with their parents end up thinking they should do hands on care out of a need to do something that might cause their parents to change into the parent that they never were and never will be.

I think that is because it is a what is known in psycho-social circles as the "scalloped pattern of reinforcement". This is exemplified by giving a rat food every time he presses a bar (switch) while in another cage another rat gets a pellet of food only once in a while when he presses a bar. Studies show that the rat who only gets the food now and then will keep on pressing the bar waiting for food far longer than the one who always got food. In other words emotionally, because praise or appreciation for an act you would do or for something you did well only came once in a while then you tried harder or kept on trying waiting for the "crumb of food" (acknowledgement) and this can last for a lifetime. Especially I think when the mean and selfish elderly parent is old because we children of the narcissist parent think that this is likely our "last chance" to be finally be praised or at least they will undo the evil and be kind to us before they kick the bucket. My mother isn't dead yet but I doubt she'll ever do that. Keep you posted.

But what about us children who don't really care if we get any praise? I am sure I am not looking for anything meaningful from my mother, though I've appreciated some of the understanding that has come my way in caregiving. If I had been a rat as a kid, I would have quickly learned that pressing the bar never had any result, so wouldn't bother pressing. Maybe there are different models for why someone becomes the adult caregiver.

I just thought of a good "model" for many caregivers. Maybe the abused/neglected child learned that they were not really so important, so ended up being more likely to give of themselves. Yes, I like that reason. We really don't want to think that someone becomes a caregiver because they are still flawed and faulty. Maybe it is just the opposite for some people.

Anyway... I think each caregiver from a dysfunctional family has his/her own reason. I think Cinderella would fit my situation the best.

SillyHeart - here's the thing. If you can get with a hospital SW or an outside eldercare attorney to find any legitimate way for Mom to be no longer in charge of Dad then you can start to try to make things right, even against her wishes. Failing that, you could at least try to set up a family meeting where discharge plans are discussed realistically. Failing that you might be able to do an end-around and get the grand kids in for a visit. But, there could be a brick wall you can't get around and then, rather than beat your head on it so hard you injure yourself, you have to say to yourself that you did what you could and Dad is unfortunately suffering the consequences of his choice of spouse and POA and all. You do what you can. It is sad when you can see how much more you/they could have had in life "if only" and you are stuck grieving for that but dealing with what is.

Im able to see my father with the grandkids now so that is OK and I am seekingother routes to protect my father. I guess I just want to whine and can't accept that a human being can be so cold especially when they gave birth to me. Some animals eat their young, I guess the human world isn't so different in some cases. I suppose that considering myself to be a giving and kind person that I cannot fathom nor accept that that lack of caring even at the most basic level of at least being cordial is missing in a human being even after getting a psych and sociology degree and teaching inner city high school students for 25 years.

Sillyheart, an injustice I see done by pop-psych is that it can continue to blame the victim of abuse/neglect, instead of praising. Compassion is an accomplishment that is missing in many victims of abuse/neglect. It is something learned through feeling empathy, instead of feeling nothing at all... or worse, interest only in self.

I see only good things in most of the people here. The only thing we have to make sure of is that people don't abuse the good nature. And if they try, it is their problem and not ours. I hope that you are able to work around your mother to get things done so everyone doesn't miss out on the enjoyment of your father.

Absolutely. That's the plan-man. I agree that most people are good but man that 1% or how ever small the percentage is of self serving ego maniacs that will throw even their own kin under the bus simply baffles me. Don't worry about me. I'm not a big blood relative kind of person. I was blessed a lovely lady (now passed of breast cancer) that filled my mother's role. She was kind beyond kind so I learned kindness and generosity from her. My mother in law is also very kind but no one gets over that their bio-mom doesn't want or care for them. It would just destroy your inner pysche to believe that so I tell myself that like her many siblings there is mental illness there but it still hurts. I will wear a red dress and stomp on her gravestone (maybe metaphorically but I actually might do it as part of my inner child therapy) though and spit and be glad that she can never never ever hurt me again -kind of like when Jenny threw the rocks at her house in "Forrest Gump". Yes sometimes there are "just not enough rocks to throw to ever heal you" and maybe the damage is done but it will stop here and with me and die within me. My children will never experience this and they have not. I just say Grandma got sick and her brain doesn't work right and now she is mean. They have no true attachment to her so just shrug their shoulders to me and think "OK" -this is how it is. My mother's cruelty will not even be a thought to the next generation and that is what she deserves "take away the audience" *you and your impressionable children) for these nutty old people so they have no one to rant on. They are toxic. Be strong and count on others for your support. Give those mothers from h*ll what they deserve : NO MORE SPACE OR TIME IN YOUR HEAD! If you have to hug yourself then do that or buy a dog that will love you unconditionally which is more than your mother probably ever did.

I had the same Mother, and I walked away, and I have never looked back... It was the most freeing experience of my life... Be strong, move forward, love your kids and just let go of her forever...

For those of you who have had mean abusive parents/loved ones, dont feel guilty if you have to put them in a home. If you cant visit or care for them, then dont. You are free now to live your life and that is fine. Spend your energy to those who have appreciated you and loved you. What goes around comes around.