My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

Hello Sandy66!
I know how frustrating all this is; it almost seems as though this was written by my daughter, for I also have a super NEGATIVE mother who ALWAYS complains about everything everyone says and does!
Lately I've been giving my mother a bit of risperdal (without her knowing because she refuses everything) when I'm at her place and it makes a tremendous difference...she's been a flawed personnality ever since I can remember. We all had lunch together this saturday (my elderly parents, my daughter and 2 toddlers, her husband, and my sister) and things went pretty smoothly without all the usual negative remarks...we've come to a point where my mother can't be present with other family members, but a little respirdal saves the day!
Your mother must also be having difficulties trying to meet her mother's needs, I would imagine...
It's very difficult to deal with some elders; they can be stubborn, finicky, picky & extremely negative...all the best to all of you!

My 83 year old Mother is exactly like this. She has picked me, her youngest child as her constant victim all my life. She's so abusive towards me that I started drinking just to escape her abuse. I finally told her off and told her I hated her. She's now pouting. She's a bully and not even my brothers peak with her. I truly feel she deserves to burn in H3ll for her selfishness an extreme greed. She's ruined my life, why does she have to live so long? She's going to out live me probably and I'll never be free from her sick mental abuse.

my 81 year old grandpa is getting more difficult and more difficult i almost cant take it any more he is getting to be disrespectful rude mean and just refusing help food and to walk sometimes.at first i thought ali its just his dementia its ok you can get through this WITH him but it has only gotten worse he will do something perfectly fine when i am out of the room sometimes if he feels like it even then and then when i walk in the room hes like ok im ready walk for me... he will literally stop walking ion the middle of walking sometimes, he gets rude with us now me his grand daughter my dad and his wife i have never known my grand father to be this way and i am finding that i can not control my temper sometimes so i just walk away he doesnt argue hes just mean and refuses idk what to do any more right now i cant lift him full and hes gonna end up hurting me and himself cause i am his primary care provider. im so stressed lately cause its all been the past two or three weeks this has been going on and its staring to progress now he is mean most the time and refuses to eat anything says hes been eating great n he hasn,t eating good in 5 days idk what to do i cant make him do things he still has his mind enough that he is coherent but he wants to do it on his own and this is his house and his stuff and ill be putting him in bed n he will be like oh i tell every one to stay out of my room but u can be in here in the middle of changing his diaper. i just dont know how to deal with him right now i am a very very patient person but its to the point where i feel like if u dont want my help then ok and leave but i cant and i wont i care and love my grand father with all my heart but its very frustrating being disrespected and an having some be rude to you even tho its a parent. i know that its part of his dementia but i can take care of him if he wont let me do it and idk im at a loss idk what to do if hes fighting me how am i suposed to help him walk of get in bed or help him to his chair or feeding him or dressing him... i dont think i can take to many more of his him walking fine in the hall way and just letting his whole body weight drop on me because he just says hes done walking, he is getting heavier nd heavier since his surgery and its getting harder and harder on me and our family who helps care for him. what do i do im stressed and almost at the ends of my wits

Ali, if he does not have the cognitive ability to understand he cannot behave this way while you take care of him, he has got to go to a facility. Maybe his behavior is even the only way he has of telling you he finds it unbearable for you to be the one taking care of him. You are right - you can't take care of him if he won't let you do it. It is not about how much you love him, it is about him and his care needs being more than you can provide under circumstances that you probably cannot change.

Example: He may need his diaper changed, but in his mind, he is embarrassed because it should be private and YOU are there and should not be. Makes no sense, but the thoughts of someone with as much dementia as he has do not necessarily make logical sense. The person with his type of dementia thinks very simply and directly, what I want, what I feel, what I wish, that is the way it should be or is! To them problem is not their mind or ability, but the fault of someone or something else, and again it will make no sense, but that blame will be assigned to the first most convenient target, namely the caregiver. I suppose you could let him sit down and ease him to the floor when he "can't" walk, but then he may not be able to get up from the floor. You can try to get PT, social work, geriatric nurse to design a management plan and intervention, maybe with lift equipment, but home care may not be physically possible at this point, and that is not your fault if that's the case..

Wow, a little different but this sounds all too familiar! I finally gott into counselling for me, because of my mother.
Dad has been in the beginning stages of forgetfulness and dementia for a couple of years. About a month ago, when Mom manipulated me to calling an ambulance for Dad at 4 in the morning, it hit me! She has played the victim all her life. She has had it pretty good. When she called me that morning she said dad was yelling at her to get out of the house and quite verbally abusive about it. When I got to the hospital, I was informed of the real story. Dad has been going through these bouts where he wakes up thinking he is at work and when he wanted her out, it was because he thought he was expecting people to come in to the factory and why was she there in her housecoat? They have never had a supportive, compassionate, loving relationship and you just grow up getting use to it. But now his biggest problem is that he is seeing different people and calling mom someone else. Mom is and always has been very jealous. When he thinks she is someone else, instead of letting it go, she is asking questions like..." Do you like me better than your wife?" Sometimes I know it would be better if dad was somewhere else but not while he still is remembering most things and her out of the picture. But this I know would kill him. She won't let anyone come into the house for relief, because she does not trust them. As the oldest of three kids I have always had to make an appointment to go over. My dad is vulnerable right now, and she is really playing it up. Even during counselling, the therapist told me she thinks my mother needs an assessment. I have told her to leave dad on several occasions and she won't because of her material possessions. All that matters is that status and what people think. Oh there is so much more!
For anyone on here, get some help for yourself, write things down, keep a journal....it is all therapeutic. I do know that my dad has stuck with her over the years and now she is ready to abandoned ship. If anything happens to him, I will have nothing to do with her. Sad but that is how I am feeling. She is purposely sabatoshing him.

Blessings to all on here!

my mother , wow cant even explain the mental abuse she has caused her children over the years . She is now 76 and in an assisted living enviroment , she phones us 3 kids constantly complaing about everything !!she phones me at work complaining that shes lonely complaining about being dizzy about having diarrea, anything , i am at her place everyday im not at work , my bother is there on the days im not my sister is ther all the time too , she will phone at all hours and tell us we have to go there , when we say we cant we r busy she will work herself into such a state and call an ambulance and go into emergency for attention , which she just did again last night , i went to pick her up at 10pm and she was ballistic in emerg , screaming she wanted out of the hospital telling me it was all my fault she was in there , told me while driving her home that she has no daughter anymore , she was treating me like shit and glaring at me with hate , i was just visiting her earlier that day , i just am so stressed out and dont know what to do , its soi awefull

Mothers77, I can tell you one thing for sure. You aren't going to be able to change your mother. Your mother sounds a lot like mine, and I've learned talking to my mother is like talking to a brick wall. There is no logic, reason, or empathy left. It is just her way or no way. I live with my mother, so it makes it harder. Even in my position, though, I know I can't do anything with her. I can only control how I respond to her. Walking away and staying away is one of my best coping strategies. You don't have to be ensnared by their bad temper.

Sometimes I wish we could give them a swift kick in the bum and tell them straighten up. I've never tried that, but I have the feeling that it wouldn't work. We might just end up in jail for elder abuse. :)

Just recently put my mom in assisted living facility which is by far one of the best in my area. She lived alone in an independent living facility for 6 years and was not happy there, constantly complaining that there was nothing to do and no one to talk to. Every day I would receive calls from her complaining about ailments. She has degenerative discs and arthritis throughout her body and there is no fix at her age. Her money has run out and we found this facility that would accept what she had. Since being there she has accused me of stealing her money, saying vile things to me, calling my children and telling them she is calling the police on me. I am at my wits end, feeling guilty but yet cannot be in her company. Slap me once, okay, keep slapping me, whether she is my mother or not is not acceptable. Am I alone?

sensa16..of course not!

YOU know you don't deserve that guilt...and so do a few hundred of your sisters and brothers on here in the same spot.

Hi I am the same with my mum I am the only girl and the youngest 3 brothers who she calls fit to burn but won't say boo to them yet I do everything for my mum and she treated me bad come between my marriage and if I met a guy she doesn't like them so I have just give up on life am 57 she is 87 but she can look after herself with most things .she keeps giving me money and says I give you it so you will come back always trying to put me on the guilty trip ,I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and a lot of it is to do with my mum ! She never wanted me when I was younger but when my dad died 10 years ago all of a sudden she wants me .i see a spycologist now told what my mum has done to me she says she see's her in a big selfish bubble how right she is I have tried to get her to go in a home so I can get a life I am on my own have been for 13 years but also be able to see my friends I never go out because I am mentally drained she has ruined my life from the age of 16 I got married at 18 to get away from her .

Moey57, don't take your mother's money, get a therapist and move on with your own life. Life is not over at 57.

I tell her I don't want your money but when I go to get something out my bag she has put it in my bag .i told her to get care workers in and pay them but she won't have them very difficult woman has been all her life everything has to be her way .

Don't keep the money. Give it back. Put your bag somewhere that she can't get to. It is none of her business opening up your bag. Let her deal with some consequences of her behavior and you take care of you before she kills you.

I am so sorry. My mother is the exact same way and is the same age. I never want my child around her (bad influence). If you have another sibling she likes better I would suggest letting them take care of her. My mother always told me she doesn't want me to take care of her in old age. I still haven't told my sister but sorry sis it will be you (who looks better in my mothers eyes) who will be there for her always. She has ruined so many aspects of my life she gets what she puts out. Good luck in ur situation. You don't owe her anything.

Moey - she wants to buy love and security. Try setting up a caregiver contract instead so you get paid a little for some caregiving time, turn around and spend some of that on respite care or chore services, reassure her that having others caregive besides you does not mean you don't love her! She wants and needs you, sure, but not 100% of you.

Don't sell yourself to you mom's desire for love and security, but tell her to hire people to help her with her money. It sounds to me like she's had enough negative impact on your life already.

Question:I really need advice...I am 44 yrs old...my mom is 63 with diabetes along with other heath issues..my dad died about 5 yrs ago he had Parkinson.s...all my life me and mom was close until you crossed her..She always have been a mean nasty hateful women...She have 2 girls..and my brother was killed 16 yrs ago...She constantly cusses us out call us all kinds of of b**ches...and more unbelievable words...She told my sister she wished it was her I.stead of my.brother...She treated my father most of the time like s**it....and I always told her she's not in good health...u will reap what you sowe.....none of the family deals with her...She is involved with a married man...and you can't say anything to her about that situation...She will go off on you...She puts him over top of us..and he's married...She lives with me for the last 4 yrs.we don't speak at all she stresses me out and drains me terribly...I stay clear of her...I have a boyfriend of 22 yrs.I.have 3 sons 21 26 28....with 2 grandchildren...and I have a cousin who stays with me..he is 44 with a bit of a disability that I help out...my uncle which is my mother's brother take care of there mother...I.get her when I.can most of time on holidays...I do her hair dress her take her out to eat and shopping...She enjoys it...my mother does.t help my uncle with my grandmother at all...and my grandmother did everything in the world for my mother...when my grandmother comes over she act like she's not even here..She does nothing.g with her or for her.....She barely talks to her....but when somebody else husband calls...u can jump up and do the world for him...the hell with your family and your kids who pulled u out of financial situations...took care of u in so many ways....my children she treats like s**t half the time....but always want something from them..now she is starting to lose her eyesite.....and my uncle calls me pleaing for me to make amends with her...I don't hate my mother...but this women has made us miserable and drainful for years.....not saying there were never good times...but she fail to realize we r adults now...u can't bite the hand that feeds you and continue to treat people like s**t...because some day we all will need somebody....and she soon will....and refuse to put my myself in any type of medical situation dealing with this women....I am so much happier and stress free with things being the way they are....I just can't take it no more....all I.do is help help help...and I just continue to drain myself down.....She treated people so badly with her I don't give a flyin attitude and nasty hateful ways nobody wants to deal with her....and I always told her...what goes around comes around....think she cared what we sayed.....She would just cuss us out even more....as we speak the married man is here now...I am just totally done....please give me some advice...Thank you!!!!

How does it come about that this woman - about whom you haven't a good word to say, by the way - has been living with you for four years?

Happier and stress free living in the same house as a person with whom you are not on speaking terms. Hm.

I'm finding this post a bit of a strain on my willing suspension of disbelief.

I'm having similar issues. I'm currently in my mid thirties and my others only in her 50's and she drives me nuts. When she's healthy she calls on sickness, when things are going good she'll gossip about other people. When I give her money she says thanks and begins bashing my lifestyle. When I paid for her high priced lawyer she complained about everything, when I bought her expensive 17 inch laptop because she claimed she was going to school she did everything in her power to find something wrong with it. She even broke the mouse and laughed about it. Then she told me the program she signed up for was a scam. When I buy her food she complains. When I take her out for walks she embarrasses me talking about what other people are doing as if I care.

She's currently in the hospital and when I go see her I feel like her pet dog and she likes to show emasculate me. It drives me nuts. I know most of the people here have elderly parents but my mother isn't even that old yet. She's about 10 years away from being 65 and I'm doing everything I can to change her. But when I really think about I think that's why I have a hard time finding the right woman. Because I'm always trying to change her. I've been trying to change her since I was a teen. I'm glad I'm not alone on this. Thanks for sharing your story. I wish I could give advice but I think I'm the one that needs help because I feel less human when I'm around. The thought of visiting her in the hospital makes me feel weak.

eddie is your mom taking anything for her depression? What has been the overall impact of her ways on your life as a whole? Why are you enduring all of this abuse? I think some boundaries are needed for you own protection. I would be inclined to say, I am not going to be so available if you keep treating me this way and list how she is mistreating you. Save yourself.

Eddie, for heaven's sake. You've been trying to change your mother for twenty years. I have to say, you're not quick on the uptake, are you? - you CAN'T change your mother. Arguably, one person has no right to "change" another, anyway… but that's not the point. The point is that you what you can change is your side of your relationship with your mother, because you are in charge of what you do and how you behave.

Stop trying to please your mother, because this is impossible, because your mother is determined not to be pleased - for her, life is a lot more fun when she gets to blame and criticise you, isn't it? But you don't have to play her game. Instead, do what you think is the right thing in terms of looking after her, but cut her out of influencing *your* life. She can't emasculate you if you leave the room, can she. She can't complain about the food you buy for her if you don't buy any - sure, she can complain that you *don't* buy any, but so what? When did that become your responsibility?

You're right, you do need help. And I'm sorry if I sound flippant or harsh, but I'm also guessing that anything I might say is nothing compared to what you take from this lady. So, get help to stop taking it. Believe me, you can feel better and *still* have a mother who is well taken care of. Good luck, come back and say more if you'd like to.

Please know that you are not alone. It helps to express how you feel on this website. Many of us are going through exactly of what you have written. It is comforting to know hey, I am not alone in this. I pray for everyone who is going through this with their parents. My mom is 91 years old and I have seen the changes in her and it is difficult. Thank you and blessings to all.

I am also going through the similiar issues. I can't stand being around my mother anymore and I find myself losing my temper with her. She too was a domineering person who always felt she was right and made you feel like crap. She was angry and bitter all the time and now she is 91 with dementia among other physical issues and her mind is gone. She is constantly talking about nothing, she wont sleep at night or in the day, she doesn't let me breathe. I am the main care giver and I want my life back. I have two older sisters who are useless and dont understand what pressure I am feeling. I am also in between jobs and looking for work so that adds to my pressure. I understand where you are coming from and I will tell you that you have a right to how you feel. I don't feel guilty anymore and to be honest when the time comes and she has passed I will feel relief because she isn't my mother anymore, she has become someone else due to this disease. Maybe that sounds harsh but its how I feel.

Nikki - there is no way you should expect yourself to support Mom in her decisions to have an affair, but neither is it your responsibility to stop it. Eddie, this is not about your mom's age , but about her mental illness, which you have lived with for so long it seems normal. It isn't normal for moms to treat sons like this and you probably need counseling help to give you a chance to break the habit of accepting that distorted image of yourself she reflects back to you. And totally stressed - you are just being totally honest. If you have any way to get outside help for her care, absolutely go for it. Dementia does not typically make difficult people easier to live with at least not until real end stage when thy can't say or do as many hurtful things anymore because their abilities have so severely declined.... Sad stories all around...not all of us ever had the kind of relationships with our moms that we would wish to be remembering this weekend on Mother's Day, or we had them and lost them. I wish I could just have a big group hug with everybody here who needed to get those hugs from Mom and can't or didn't! Mine cared in her won way, but she did not believe in hugging or saying I love you... it took me a while to learn to do it myself for the people I care about now.

I understand how Eddie feels, I too was always my parents matt, especially my mother whom I spent a lot of time with because she had no life of her own! Things are still the same now & I'm tired of it, so I have very little patience & my compassion is fadoing! People like this should be medicated, but my mom refuses everything, even a totally natural melissa tea gives her side effects...
I refuse to be put down all the time;we cannot give our life for someone who takes us for granted...we must move on!
Older people need help, but many of them think they own their kids, that´s been my experience anywaY!

Wow thanks to all you nice people for your kind words. I've been toying with seeking professional help for about a year. I drown myself in my work not to think about it. After reading your comments and questions clearly I have issues. It feels different hearing outsiders point out my bad life choices. Like all the people here I love my mother, although she makes me feel less than. I guess I feel luckier compared to other stories I've read. I don't think I know how to put myself first. I like when others are happy. I like to be happy too but my happiness currently revolves around my work. There are times I wish I was gay because everytime I talk to a woman I just see problems, which of course makes me undesirable to women, which I know I use as an excuse why nobody woman wants to be with me. I'm going to seek help. My mother does take medication, she has her own issues but I don't know what to do. I'm just going to get help. Thank you to all you nice people for taking the time to write such nice things. It made me feel special for change. I wish you all the best and if you have similar problems I hope you all get the help you need.

Treading Water,
Now it is 2016 and just now read your letter. I am wondering what how your situation has evolved? I am now experiencing the exact same feelings. My mother also is self-centered and the older she gets, the more intense she becomes. It's very sad and upsetting for me. They say that she will never change and I am the one who has to. The words are easy, the actions are difficult.

You are definitely not alone.

A lot of us had to grow up with rotten parents (me included). When we were children we HAD to live with the crap they dolled out. Hopefully, the experience has made US better parents to OUR kids. Even though we are now older adults, the scars of our childhood remain. Some adult kids get stuck at a certain way of coping and never progress to independence. PLEASE understand this...YOU do NOT have to (nor SHOULD you) continue to take the B.S. that your parent throws your way!!!!! You DO NOT have to have a relationship with them if they are verbally abusing you. You wouldn't put up with physical abuse, then why are you putting up with mental torture? Step back and pretend your best friend is in your situation with your parent. What would you advise him/her? You became an adult at 18 (or 21) and it's time you set some BOUNDARIES with your parent. YES, you can do that! The boundaries are for how YOU will be treated by them. Remember, you are an adult now too, an EQUAL with your parent. You have no right to try to change them but you have every right to say what YOU will or won't put up with. You aren't legally responsible for them, but morally you may feel like have to make sure they are taken care of. That doesn't mean that they HAVE to live with you or that you have to visit them.
We get stressed out FOR A REASON.
Stress is telling us to get out of a situation so we can be less anxious. It's time to let your parent know HOW you want to be treated and what you will not tolerate anymore. You have that right. It's YOUR choice if you let them continue to dominate you. It's time to stop letting guilt run and ruin your life. Just do it once, the next times will be easier. Mom or Dad aren't going to to be any worse for wear if you buck up and become an adult. If they don't like your new attitude, they don't have to see you. Then you'll see what you REALLY mean to them.
Life is hard...and then you die :) The way I interpret that is; It's HARD times now but at death, it's the end of all this garbage with other people taking advantage of the good person you are. You will be free to be you and will be loved by all in Heaven. I'm not ready to go just yet but I'm happy to think that I won't have to put up with THIS situation for all eternity! Just my 2 pesos.

To start off, I'm going to say this will be a long post. I am almost 50 years old and have been dealing with my mother (my primary parent) my whole life. She has had a crap life, being married 3 times and none of them were loving marriages. I grew up a very sensitive, shy kid. Thank god for my grandparents...rest in peace. My brother was born when I was 5 and I knew immediately that he was the favorite. She has enabled him and babied him his whole life and now he is a piece of crap 45 year old. Alzeimer's runs in my family. My grandma had it and my mom has it. I would say she is in the mild stage. She lives in an assisted living facility, still drives and is still very capable. When I was younger, I knew she wasn't like other moms. She was more of a friend-mom than a mom-mom...except when it came to my brother. Now that I'm an adult, I think she just didn't worry about me because I was a good student and have been self-sufficient since I was 20. My no-good brother has used people for what they can give him his whole life. I know that her enabling of him has created the monster he is today. She is 84 and he is still manipulating him for money. I swear he could murder someone and she would still find some excuse to give for him. As she has gotten older and in the last 5 years (probably at the beginning of the Alzheimer's), she is getting progressively more critical of me, my boyfriend, my life, etc. When I call her, she acts like I'm a bother. She really only calls me when she wants something. She has called me fat my whole life (I'm a plus size gal) and is always saying hurtful things. I feel like the Alzheimer's has made her already critical self even more so, except when it comes to my brother. He's not a good person, manipulates her and everyone else and is not a good father. I can't sit by and let him continue to manipulate her for money and whatever else he's getting from her. It's almost like she is jealous and resentful of me. I really want to ask her why she is so nasty to me, but I don't know if it's worth it at this point. All of these posts are really helpful to me. Unfortunately, it's nice that I'm not alone...unfortunate for us all. Thanks for listening!