She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
Who said we have to like our parents? Every other person we know has EARNED our friendship. You wouldn't pick a rude, nasty, hateful person as a personal friend, so don't feel guilty to not like you mom's personality. You may feel "responsible" for her well being and it sounds like you have made her very comfortable. The buck stops there. She doesn't get your respect because she hasn't been loveable. Don't be consumed by guilt. Visit the minimum or not at all. Tell yourself you would NOT put up with this behavior from anyone else, then why her? Hopefully this will pass as the dementia progresses. It did with my mom. Have the holidays at your house without her, then take her a piece of pie later in the day. You don't need her "approval" anymore.
I like the story of Narcissus, who falls in love with his own reflection in the water. Narcs are a bit like that. They see reflections of themselves in the people around them and not the actual people themselves.
Everything they do wrong is either not wrong or is excusable; anything anyone else does wrong in their eyes is judged harshly; mistakes are generally not admitted and second chances are not generally given. Mercy and forgiveness is something they have to be tricked into by making it seems like some thing very magnanimous they might do...it is NEVER something they need or accept for themselves.
The disruption of relationships with friends and family was something I grew up with too. I was an only child and terribly lonely. I was NOT "allowed" to feel that way though... the children of perfect moms are supposed to be all happy all the time, so there was no room for any other real emotions that would normally be part of life. Crying was shamed and punished. And my mom was not even a full-blown narcissist by DSM criteria, but it still made life harder and sadder than it had to be.
All hell broke loose. The barrage of profanity and insults going back to the moment I was born would have made Betty Davis blush. It was entirely one-sided. I never recipricated with criticism of my own although maybe I should have. I just let her go on and on for about a half hour, during which she became increasingly profane and violent, even physically assaulting my wife who stood by silently and innocently. Then she ceremoniously threw us out of HER house, promising to dis-inherit me on my way out, adding that she never, ever wanted to hear from me again. Ever!
Well, that was awkward for many reasons. We had just arrived from the other side of the planet and my sister and niece had just left on a 7-day cruise. The next day, she talked with my niece on the phone and, having completely re-constructed the episode in her mind, wondered where I was and why I wasn't there taking care of her as I had promised. In the end my wife and I remained in the area while staying elsewhere. I looked in every day, avoiding any flying objects and insults, to make sure she was OK and had food, etc. until my sister returned. Then we left.
You might think there is more to this story, but there really isn't. My mother is simply a horrible, paranoid narcisist. She is not senile and she is in rather good health so this situation will be with us for a long time to come. There is no way out. She can't put the toothpaste back in the tube and I can't do more than I already do. Nor can anyone else. Since I can't (nobody can) have a normal conversation with her about our relationship, I am thinking of writing her a letter to explain how I feel, without resorting to insults or anything hurtful. She might not read it, probably would just ignore it or throw it away. But at least I could get some things off my chest. Maybe my last chance ever.
I would likely tell her, "you physically assaulted my wife and that is the last straw, good bye." What does your wife want to do? I doubt she even wanted to be there.
Your mom physically assaulting her tells me that she's a possible danger to others. This needs to be reported.
I agree with cmag that a letter wouldn't be much point. You can write it to get out the feelings, then tear it up or burn it when you're ready.
I feel bad for your niece. She must be saint. I'm glad she can get away from it to go to work. And I'm glad the family is involved so the niece can get away some time. You're in a situation, I know. Your mother is difficult, but your niece needs to be able to get away sometimes. Things are difficult to sort through when a parent has a difficult personality. I would keep going as normal, but get a hotel room for the wife and as a getaway place. (Sounds expensive, though!)
When I have her over my house for a holiday, the visit is limited in duration as well. This way, I never have to raise my voice or have an argument with her, and that reduces the guilt tremendously. I do the best I can, and it's irrelevant that it's never good enough.
The whole relationship is a miserable mess, but nowadays, I'm starting to focus on taking care of ME and letting the caregivers take care of HER. By the way, they all think the world of her because they dont get to see the ugliness and back stabbing. She's been treating my daughter quite badly lately too, and I've advised her to keep the visits and calls to a minimum.
Good luck
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