My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

Julie, if you are getting refusals from her to get help, get an eldercare attorney. I am not clear why your 911 call did not result in her being brought to an ER for suspected delirium; next time make sure to state she is violent and a danger to you and your son and you are looking for geropsych facility. No guilt. You don't deserve to be attacked.

I need any advice you caregivers can give me... I am an only child and my Dad is gone. My Mom is 98 and several years ago, she and I had a parting of the ways as she did not want any help from me in spite of the fact I had been her physician for 20 years. She said that she intended to disinherit me and we stopped communicating two years ago. I have just been notified by the county Guardianship Investigator that my Mom is now in a facility and she is significantly demented and very unfriendly to everyone. I had been the executor of her estate prior to our falling out and do not know what my present status is. I never received notification that I have been disinherited, however, she, when she is coherent repeats that over and over when my name is mentioned. I don't see why I should be a guardian for her if she has disinherited me. If she hasn't, I would certainly assume that responsibility as the executor of the estate. I don't know what to do, has anyone been in this situation? Thanks for any advice you can provide.

Mom may not have been capable of making the calls and signing the papers necessary to either disinherit you OR relieve you of executor or POA duty. Being disinherited and being relieved of executor duties are two separate things. Her treatment of you may have been early dementia with impaired judgment and you might want to be guardian to see that other wishes formulated when she was more of sound mind are carried out. Think back to the person she was before all this started happening. "Coherent" is relative. Unless you feel that the state will do a better job than you can as guardian, you might want to consider it. It would be totally understandable if not, especially if your relationship had always been totally disagreeable. You do not even necessarily have to visit her much if at all to be her guardian, just get reports second hand from staff, maybe look in at the facility every now and then. She can no longer make decisions for herself at this point, either practically or legally. Unless someone else was POA during those years you were not allowed to help her, and took care of things for her, her finances are probably a disaster area too. If so, don't hesitate to get an elder law consultation to help sort things out.

No comment on how advisable it is to be the physician of record for a family member! Actually, not generally recommended and often not permissible (depends on the state.) But that's water under the bridge now. Sorry it all went this way for you and mom, and hope there is someone who still cares about her that she might have some positive interaction with.

received this e-mail from her yesterday evening.

You denied me access to my money? this is not to be believed . I will
call them tomorrow and tell them that it is MY MONEY. I EARNED IT! YOU
did something that was not given by me. I Want this money back. ASAP!!!

Not the first time this has happened. She doesn't know how to use the computer. She screws it up every single time she touches it. A few weeks ago, she mis-entered her password several times and no surprise, she got locked out. Instead of calling me, she called the company and demanded that they tell her the password. Eventually she called me and screamed at me. I re-set her password and then dropped what i was doing on a workday and drove over there to explain it to her and give her the new password. We had a long conversation about it and other things and I left.

So when I got this nasty e-mail last night I jumped in the car and drove over there. She was still at dinner. We went up to her apartment and I got on her computer. I saw she had two small pieces of paper next to the laptop, both with the old password. I dug through the stack of papers she accumulates on her desk and sure enough, there was the paper I'd given her with the new password. I logged into her account, and sat and waited for her. When she came in I told her to go look at her computer and then come out and apologize to me. She refused. I screamed at her. She denied remembering that I had given her a new password although her convenient memory allowed her to remember specific parts of the conversation. I told her she was a miserable old bitch who wanted everyone else to be miserable too and we were not going to allow her to do that to us.

Then we had the re-run of "you won't tell me where my money is." I have written it down for her multiple times. I have told her multiple times. I have logged onto each account and showed her multiple times. Then "I own that house (meaning our house)" which is her interpretation of "I let you borrow part of the purchase price and you are paying me back at 4.25% even though a bank mortgage would have been 3.5% and it is legally secured by a recorded mortgage and you paid $2,000 in recording fees and attorneys fees for that." But she OWNS my house. Oh and then she says "you will never pay me back - I won't live long enough to get my money back." True. The whole point of this transaction was that she doesn't have enough income to live there. She needed additional income. We couldn't afford to give her the extra money she needed AND pay a mortgage. So we borrowed from her, give her interest at a much higher rate than she could get from a bank, and she has the income she needs. And we've explained that to her dozens of times.

And then she thinks we still HAVE the money. Stupid woman. How can she not understand that we used the money to buy the effing house?

I hate her. And I don't feel one ounce of guilt for hating her. I was able to avoid her most of my life, when my father was alive. I can't avoid her now because I am her only family. My sister (only sibling) died 40 yrs ago. I told her point blank - I am no longer going to behave as though I am your daughter. You treat total strangers better than you treat me. You have been treating me like shit for years. No more. I am not your doormat anymore. You can't take your anger at the world out on me. I am now going to be the "unpaid help." I will do your banking, taxes, get your groceries, or whatever else you need. I will make sure you have good medical care. And that's it. I will do those things and then leave. No socializing, no dinners out, no lunches, no phone calls to chat (not that I ever have anything to say to her anyway).

My husband and I have a wonderful life and I am not going to allow her to become a cancer that destroys our lives.

No response necessary. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

Notadoormat, have you ever considered going "no contact"? I'm not sure why you feel obliged to manage her affairs. If you're around, she'll certainly still abuse you.

Many times. But I'm an only. There is no one else. I could not live with myself if I didn't take care of her. I am not that kind of person.

Notadoormat: you can only do the bare minimum for her, and then go about YOUR life, right? I too am an only, and I do what has to be done, but nothing more. My NM told me last week that she apparently 'bored' me while I was there visiting. I don't know why she would say such a thing.......I mean, she rolled out a list of complaints longer than a yardstick, put down everyone she knows, gossiped mercilessly about her fellow 'friends' and residents, and then repeated herself about 100 times, since once is never enough. Bored? Nah. I'm just thrilled to death to be listening to the toxic sludge-fest all the time. That's when I decided I would NEVER visit alone again. This weekend my husband and kids won't be around, so I guess 'my arthritis will be in a bad flare-up', preventing me from going over to visit the torture chamber.

Sending you a hug today, and a prayer that you don't ruin YOUR life over HER issues.

You can still take care of her to ease your guilt feeling but leave her alone to stew in her own toxic juice. You know she is well cared for so only visit occasionally for a short period. She is going to bad mouth you anyway so ignore it, you don't have to be there to hear it.

I have to add one more thing: I always say how it constantly AMAZES me how ONE person can create THIS much chaos! Right? I mean, my mother and my ex husband are only two people on this earth, but between them, they create more drama and bedlam than a THOUSAND others combined. Sigh.

There have been two threads, neither of which i can find right now. One is from a woman who finally hired a geriatric care manager and financial consultant of some sort ( with her mother's funds) to arrange care. She sends her mother greeting cards, but that's it. The AL she's in reports that the mom is calmer than in the past, now that her daughter is no longer involved in the hands on caregiving.

The other, more recent thread is that of a woman who felt she needed to respond to her mom's every desire...a new dog, a trip, whatever mom asked for, the daughter was expected to provide. She finally entered therapy and is learning some self preservation skills.

You might find therapy useful. Wishing you well.

Thank you, Lealonnie! That is exactly what we decided last night. We will get her what she needs, make sure she has good medical care, take care of the finances. But apart from that, we are not going to interact with her. No more social visits, no more dinners and lunches out, nothing.

And you are right about how much one person can cause so much havoc. When my husband gets home from work, he can take one look at me and know if I've talked to my mother. I am on the floor, in a puddle of tears. And often, when I leave her "independent living" I find myself in the elevator with other middle aged women on the verge of tears.

Babalou - she really can't afford a geriatric care manager or a financial consultant and she's also super-cheap. That's why I'm doing her taxes - just so much easier than the fight over hiring an accountant. It takes a whole day but it is the lesser of the two evils.

My mum is the same , very nasty and dominating , trying to tell people what to do , calling everyone every single day all the time shes tried turn my son against me , as she has done nothing but moan n shout n give me grief why hes not been to seen her , , when hes gone their today she said shes never said anything dont know what im talking about , telling people i lent money to pay for my car repairs , when thank god one of my friends was with me when i took my money out my bank just before i collected my car, then she accused my sister then her daughter in law then my son of taking her money , telling my son i want him to move out, she kept saying to me kick him out hes a waste of space like his father , i feel i dont want to go round there or be in her company any more shes making me feel ill shes nasty twisted and horrible and when i say why have yu said this n that , shes says i dont know what im doing n wish i would hurry up n die, shes wont go to the drs she started swearing at me when i asked her to go , shes my mum but i cannot stand being around her my sister n brother feel the same

Notadoormat.......I feel badly for my husband, b/c he has to hear all the venting I do, which involves him in the mess too. I don't cry much anymore, though, I've figured out how to disengage myself from *most* of her drama/complaining, and I've quit trying to fix what's broken. My mother has become SUPER tight-fisted herself, but since I am the one who manages the money, I spend HER money on the things I think SHE needs. She thinks I'm spending my own money, but in reality, I'm spending hers. Like taxes for instance. Before my dear Dad died, I would gather up all of their financial papers in a pile, drop them off at H & R Block, and have someone else do the taxes. I'd pay for the service out of their money, of course, without their knowledge. Ignorance can sometimes be bliss! :)

Anyway, my heart goes out to you for all you're going through, dear lady. I hope you can learn how to set down boundaries with your mother, or else she will continue to walk all over you. YOU make the rules, and if she doesn't like the new rules, well, she can add it to the list of everything else she doesn't like!! Enough is enough.

Benson, what a mess with your mom. I think when the dementia sets in, even slightly, and it's combined with the narcissistic qualities, it creates a REAL ugly situation for everyone. When they lose their memory, they forget which lies they told who, then claim they never told the lies to begin with! Yes, my mother always lied like a rug her whole life, but up until now she was able to keep those lies straight. It *sometimes* helps me to remind myself that this isn't really my mother, but someone who's now very old and has mental issues (or at least MORE mental issues than she had as a young woman :( ) I watched my cousin go through hell on earth with her mother (my mother's sister) who was even WORSE than my mother, and she lived to 97. I knew I'd be going down the same road, and I dreaded it, with very good reason. It's incredibly DIFFICULT to deal with these women's behaviors!! My God, I get totally exhausted every time I go over to see her, and all I do is sit there!! I call these women 'energy vampires', because they suck the strength clear OUT of a person!! They'll suck the SOUL out too, if we're not careful.

My mother complains about my kids not doing 'enough' for her also......and she treats my daughter particularly nasty. I tell her, if she has an issue with them, then to please take it up with THEM, as they are grown up's and I'm not responsible for them! I have a full time (very stressful) job, a house to take care of, a husband, and finances to deal with for TWO families. It irritates the heck of me that my mother doesn't have ONE ounce of empathy to be able to realize that all of HER complaining & carrying on only ADDS to my already FULL plate. But hey, wishing for things to be different isn't going to happen. So I have to figure out how to take care of ME, and put HER issues OUT of my mind! Here's hoping you can do the same.

You are NOT alone. It's already hard to take on the role of caregiver, but even harder when the parent is Narcissistic (trust me... I KNOW). As kids, we get sucked into being "programmed" to believe that love isn't conditional (we must DO something for approval that will never come). Then, the inevitable watershed moment happens when we realize it SHOULDN'T be this way and we become angry and resentful.

GIVE YOURSELF GRACE!!!! You DO NOT have to suffer for mom's bad decisions. If that means that she spends a holiday in the facility, at least she's not alone.

Last year I finally took a stand and decided NOT to let the guilt take over. I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas AND New Year's with my DOG!!! BEST HOLIDAYS EVER.

Your mom will be fine, and so will you. One of two things will happen: She will realize that she is a product of her own disdain (HIGHLY unlikely) or you will become the bad gal again. Who cares? You're 60 and deserve peace and happiness. She'll be fine.

My mom was always domineering. She bossed my dad around, and kept a tight leash on me until I rebelled, and moved away, as far as I could get. I didn't have anything to do with my parents for thirty years, then guilt set in. I wish I had never given in! I have had mom living with me since my dad passed away nine years ago. I have no life anymore. She has to know where I am, every minute of the day 24/7 if she doesn't she throws a fit. It's difficult even to work out in the backyard or the garage. She insists I check in every ten minutes! Then she has to know exactly what I am doing. If I say one word to her, all I hear repeated over and over all day is, " If he doesn't want me here, I'll just get up and go". I don't think she could get very far, but it does worry me that she might try to go wandering. My friends won't come and visit anymore, even her own friends have left her. She hasn't a kind word for anyone, unless confronted. Then she pretends that she is this sweet little old lady. Like when she goes to the doctor, but they have heard her, while she was in the waiting room. So they know.
Lately her memory has deteriorated to the point that she does not know what she did a half hour earlier. So she will ask for her lunch over and over just a half hour, after she had it. Then she gets nasty. " Ok then just forget about it, I'll just starve". I tell her she just ate, but she doesn't believe me. I'm not sure whether to just keep feeding her till she bursts or what. When dementia hits, it's a hard thing to deal with, trust me. It takes all we have. Hopefully it won't take everything out of us. I truly feel for you. We are in the same boat.

Someone recently said to me that this time in our lives, caring for an elderly parent are the 'lost years'. It is so true and such an apt description of how I feel about how my own life has disappeared now, caring for someone I don;t really want to care for.

Lost years indeed, depressed and weak from it all. I wish I had moved away.
But I didn't.

I dont remember a time when i wasnt "taking care" of my mother - its been all my life. (In one way or another). Oh, i knew/know she was manipulating/abusing me by the time i was a teen, but SHE'S MOTHER! Yeah, right! 20 years ago her circumsatnces changed and she had to move. Yes, she' s here in my home. She's 98, she's as brutal as ever, walker and all! Since her arrival i lost my husband (2006), worse my youngest son (2011)! She never gives it a thought. I wouldnt feel guilty about not visiting, not having her here etc. My problem is that she would be MORE trouble to me if i put her in an ALF. Somehow! Some way! She's a sociopath-maybe even worse! BTW last doctor visit found her stronger than ever. He was concerned about my vitals though!!!! It's much more than a dilemma. I'll think of all going through this. Good luck!

I don't know where to turn to my mother had a stroke, she is 86. She wanted to be independent and stay at home with care, but now she says she's lonely with her carers going up twice a day, and either my sister or myself going up every day. Nothing or nobody seems to be any good. The carers, the hearing aid specialists, the doctors. I found a cottage next door for me, which added the benefit of independence for herself and also company and care from my sister an I. One day she said she was lonely, we are still waiting for her to move in next door, so I said move in with us until you move in. My partner and I do everything that we can for her, nothing is good enough, now she is behaving like a child and having tantrums everyday. She has always been a negative person, and always, said to me when I was younger "you won't get a job, or you can't do that if I come up with positives she has always come up with negatives. I also look after my Grandson during the holidays and the tantrums are being to get to us all. If I do not agree with her or she does not get her own way she says she wants to die and make us all feel depressed, then she says she want's to stay in her own house and does not want to stay next door, I have tried to understand and be sympathetic but I am running out as I feel that she resents me being healthy and wants me to feel what she feels. I can but there is nothing I can do, I want to live and smile and be happy, but I am beginning to resent her and dread every day.
What can I do?

You can get her to a psychiatrist and see if antidepressant medication will make a difference.

Just understand, you can't be responsible for anyone else's happiness. You can't "fix" old age and you can't fix her negative outlook. Have you ever tried ignoring her tantrums? Her resentment can't do you harm if you don't let it.

oldsoldier, there needs to be a special name for someone who is determined to be miserable and pull others into that deep hole with them. This is not your fault. You are going way beyond for her, but it still isn't enough. There is going to be something wrong with anything you do. You've known her for your lifetime, so you probably know this already. The best you can do is provide the help she needs and not let yourself get pulled into her pit of despair. I would definitely try to keep the family away from it and get her moved out as fast as possible. Please let us know how it is going. Many of us are going through the same thing that you are with a difficult parent. Being bright, cheery, and giving doesn't work. It is about how they feel inside themselves.

I finally received closure today - I had been the only child and executor of the Family Trust - I received word today that my Mom wrote me totally out of her life. I now understand the feeling about being adopted, but for me, at the opposite side of life... I can't express how cleansing and final this feels and the years of being manipulated and emotionally assaulting by my Mother now come to a cleansing conclusion... I wish you all well and feel your pain... In solidarity...

My Dad had Dementia, my Mom has bipolar disorder and my sister has bipolar too. My brother and I are the only 2 who are healthy in the family. My parents house is the most miserable place I can visit, honestly. All they do is fight and argue and yell at each other. They tattle to me like little kids, when one is out of the room and vice Versa. My dad has an all out temper tantrum if the tAlk of any nursing home ever comes up. He made my brother as a young boy promise not to put him there unless he didn't know his own name and surroundings. My mother has run off 3 great care takers that were helping her w him due to her vendictive hateful personality. She was manic when one nurse was there and threatened to kill her. She's hateful to me more than my bro and sis, mostly bc I'm a nurse and i have experience w dementia so she hates me for any help i give, instead of welcoming it. I used to try and help and call and take dad to doc appts all the time but it was killing me. I wasn't functioning well at home as a mom of a wife. So I saw a counselor and learned about self preservation, and taking care of my own family first. I go over once a week, unless she tells me she doesn't want me there. But my guilt is gone. I tried, did the best I could, and got kicked for trying.

You are most definitely not alone. My mother is like this. She is 83 and been nasty the whole 44 years ive known her. At first the alzheimers made her nicer. Now my young children are terrorised by her comments and nastiness.

This is a great thread. My mother has also been mentally ill all my life. She is mean and uses insults and anger to try to get her way. My dad is also sick and lives at home with me. He is a delight, but she is abusive mentally to him too. I thank you for all the comments. It's nice to know I am not alone. I am limiting my visits to her, but the guilt is so hard to overcome. :-(

I met a wonderful woman in her 80's that shared her story with me. As you know from my previous writings on this string that I had no choice but to walk away as my Mother was destroying me. I have no regrets, and was confirmed by this lady's story. She was 31 and her Dad died, she was devastated and went home to live with her Mother to seek consolation. However, the Mother was anything but kind to her and the daily stress living with her Mother resulted in having a thalamic stroke which cause total paralysis of her left side and she is in constant intractable pain for over 30 years since that happened. I share this to express how important it is to value your life - no amount of money, estate or otherwise, is the horrible result of allowing your personal health to suffer... Think closely about moving on - and never looking back... Her story was a gift of God to me and it was as if God had said, "you did the right thing"... All the best...

THANK YOU. I am experiencing the same thing with my gma. She had one kid, my mother who died suddenly 3 years ago. I insist and swear that my grandma put her in an early grave. My mom was an only child because my gma was too selfish to share my grandpa any more than that. She is the biggest racist, bigot, homophobe you'll ever meet and no person was ever "christian enough" to be her friend. She is 93 with NOBODY. I am the only grandchild not smart enough to run as fast as I could away from her when mom died. The only reason I'm still doing it is because APS said I "can and will be charged with abandonment" if I just stop. I feel NOTHING for her, and the feeling is mutual. Thankfully, I am getting some help and getting her into a facility where I no longer have to put up with her verbal abuse and just plain ugliness. I feel for you...and I UNDERSTAND.

tensharp, you can't be charged with abandonment if you provide for her care. You don't have to do it yourself. I know it's easier for me to say that, though, than it is to do it. Getting an elder to accept care from someone else can be like pulling a polar bear into the vet office for shots. So easy to say; so hard to do.

Finding this harder than i imagined...now consistent , going into 5years, dad is almost 91 and dementia has gotten more agressed. I had a near fatal car crash about 3yrs ago and almost died, so its even more difficult. Dad doesnt even know what happened. Up until 2013 a family member was here at family home taking care with his 2 friends. Wasnt the best situation either, since the house was reversed mortgaged by and dad didnt know what was happening. After doing all i could to stop it, etc, they left, Dad never saw the money and now we have this hugh mortgage, that continues to rise. It happened at the beginning stages of dementia. Now after severe car accd i had i made the mistake of selling my condo and moving to house. I had so much reno to do from the mess if the family and friends not taking care of it.. And my dad contibues to get worse.. I have to sell house or we wont get anything out of it..there is some equity at this time.. Still stuck with dad and his actions. Too hard with him. I need to get my businesses going again, but im on disibility for the time being. Extremely stressed and frustrated with this situation and my health not good. Hair falling out and have heavy toxic metals that i need to detox.. Dad is making my life miserable.. Ppl dont get it and i cant go anywhere without settin up caregiver. Too hard to have anyone in house as i cant handle scents, fragrances, perfumes, colonges, laundry soaps, unless free and clear or anything at all that has a scent until i get rid of the toxic issues, ugh. Its toooo hard.. I have too much in my plate. Ive been grieving the loss of my condo and looking for another, but being only on disibility makes it hard for a loan....dad is so demanding and can be quite nasty.. He was a drinker most his life and was never available for me. I only remember him raging and yelling at me.. Although i did much work for myself in support groups over the past 2 decades, living with dad is a horrible experience. Something has to change. Placing him is the best thing to do, but money an issue. Have to sell house first and get another place for me...really relate to everyone here on this forum. Pray for relief and a definite change.. I have no family or any of my own. Standing strong in Gods strength. Thank you for these posts..