She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
you do NOT have to put up with violence. There is a way out.
I have worked in the health field for many years and I know my Mum hasn't got Dementia ( though strangers may put her behaviour down to it). Basically the negative traits of her personality have always been there but these days any glimmer of self appraisal is non existant. I am the enemy. Though I have been the only one really there for her she goes through periods of totally rejecting me and describes me as the devil incarnate! ( to casual acquaintances who think she is lovely!)
Other people on the outside do not understand your struggle. Only you know how it is potentially destroying you.
I think Kimber 166 has a valid suggestion. You need to get some separation from your Mum so beat on those doors. Make a bigger noise! I know it's totally draining and it seems like a brick wall in front of you but keep beating if you can.
You need to preserve your own sanity.
P.S. My Mum has totally cut me off ( again!) over the last 3 months. Ignoring all my attempts to contact/see her. Yet telling everyone else that I do nothing for her and my step father because I don't care ( and I am evil!).
As I said your situation is far worse but the thing we do share above everything else( despite trying hard not to) is the feelings of GUILT! It's always there in the background spoiling my life.
I wish you good luck and a smoother future.
God bless you in this troubled time. I remember it well. But it will work out.
I'm sure we were brainwashed to believe he was always at foult, we now know he was not, and that makes me so sad as I would love to tell him that, but it's too late.
My Mother is never happy, she seaks out drama and she plays hers doughters against each other. Luckily we know her traits so we are aware of it. It's gotten to a stage where we feel ill at the thought of going to visit. Numerous times I have started to drive towards her retirement village, which by the way she calls "the prison", but I cannot make my self go to visit her, as I know it's not going to end well, no matter what. I always leave there feeling sick and stressed. I'm not sure how to handle it any more.
Not looking for answers...just wanted to stop by today and contribute to the thread. There IS strength in community!
Please go find a therapist so that you can get some real freedom from this h*ll.
I have a younger brother whom she adores. I tried to be a "good" daughter, but at 50yrs old I'm done. I no longer speak to my mother we have no relationship.
When the time comes (she healthy now) that she starts to decline it will be up to her "favorite" child to take care of her. I've told him this as well as other family members who remind me "but she's your mother"
Once I "let go" of the guilt I felt for trying so hard to please her, to be a good daughter I felt "free"
I just wanted to tell you, your feelings matter, it's ok to be done with your mother. It's ok to "let her go"
Nicole
Welcome to the group!
Cheetah; "You are NOT the frame around your mother's portrait." I like that analogy. And how true it is that our narcissistic mothers feel like we owe them.
Mom is so far gone now (level 6) that she is no longer narcissistic (that's the good part). But it's sad that now she just repeats the same things over and over (30+ times an hour), but, true to form, it's always negative. ("The care givers don't like me, I don't like them, my daughter (me-but she doesn't know that) hates her" (not true), etc. The last visit was just like that. I had to leave because I couldn't redirect her with anything I said (How's the food?, Have you gone outside today?, Did you watch any tv lately?). It's futile to try to explain how things really are and I get so frustrated. The last moment before I left, when she was complaining about things, I let go of all the problems I have. Her eyes got wide for a moment, then she went back to her problems. It seems useless to visit. I wish I had more patience but I leave feeling like I'M going crazy. Thank God I can vent here. Thanks for listening.
Azmiranda, was your mother even meaner to your sister (the one she said looked like a monkey) than she was to you? If so, that is probably why she has nothing to do with your mother.
If your mother was also that way with you, rather than criticize your sister, consider backing away from your mother, also. We are only taken advantage of as much as we allow ourselves to be.
My friend and I, because of our upbringing with narcissistic mothers, probably won't be as badly shaken up when the Good Lord takes our moms. It's hard to feel close to someone who hasn't wanted to be close with you. I will be grateful that she (and I) will be out of the misery of end stage Alzheimer's disease but I will always wonder what it would have been like to have a mom as a friend.
Yeah, there are a lot of us out there, children of narcissistic parents. I knew my mom didn't want my affection when I was 5. She pushed me away when I was running to hug her, right after she got her hair done. She thought I'd mess it up. That action spoke volumes, even to a 5 year old. I remember it as though it was yesterday and I'm 60!
I was an "oops" baby. My folks weren't married (my mother was still legally married to someone else) and she got pregnant. They were "party people" who got caught. After 5 years of physical fighting, they divorced. She had 2 more husbands after my dad. I knew I was in the way.
Mother always said she was part of the women's liberation movement but only wanted the attention of men and to be babied and spoiled by them. She never had any girlfriends because any woman was competition. I was never complimented but always cut down. My hair wasn't cut right, I was too fat, I wore unstylish clothes, etc. As I got older, it continued. My grades were never good enough and I would probably not amount to much. (She sold dresses at a chain store-I became a nurse.) I wound up not needing or caring for her affection. I kept in contact with her just to be polite.
Fast forward to today. She's 94, lives in a memory care facility and has Stage 5-6 Alzheimer's disease. I hate seeing her with this disease but at least there's a silver lining in this cloud. She's done a complete turnaround. She now compliments me on what I wear and how I look and how sweet I am, not knowing who I am. How bittersweet, I finally get to hear what I should have been hearing throughout my childhood. It's a tragedy that she had to wind up with Alzheimer's to do it.
Many marriages have broken up due to this situation. That's why I refuse to have my mother (with Stage 5-6 Alzheimer's) live with us.
Get him out of your home now!! This is no way to live and it's a dangerous situation. Obviously, your wife can't "see the forest for the trees" and someone has to make an informed decision. You have compromised too much to accommodate your F-I-L. These accommodations are way out of line, (come on, chaining the fridge?). Tell your wife about the responses on this site. (They will all be negative.) Visit a therapist with your wife and ask him/her if this is an acceptable living situation. (They will say NO!) Maybe they can work with your wife's denial issues also.
You don't mention if you have kids and if they live in the home also. It is subjecting them to possible harm. NO ONE is worth the sacrifices you are making for the amount of potential harm they could cause you, (even if it is 'only' breaking up your marriage.)
If she refuses to make him leave, stand up for yourself and say you can't and won't live this way any longer. You have the right to tell her what YOU won't do. Maybe, when she sees the toll her father is taking on your marriage, she will get the 'hint' and turn him over to the state for placement.
Get Social Services involved and speak to a Social Worker who can give you lots of resources. Call your F-I-L's doctor also to get help and suggestions. The doc can write a letter that 'dad' is unable to care for himself, is a danger to himself and others and needs to be placed in a locked memory care unit. Maybe your wife will 'wake up' when she hears it from his doctor. Dad could also benefit from a doctor's visit for some medicine to help him calm down.
Whatever you do, DON'T do nothing. YOU both will pay for it. Just my 2 cents. Good luck.
Thanks for your comments. It is good to get others advice and comments. Some of your comments have already been done (therapist, meds, papers from the doctors). It is amazing to me to see a 33 year marriage in trouble over this, but it is like taking baby bear cubs away from their mother. BTW, you asked about children - our only child moved out to another state before he moved in. She refuses to come home to visit as long as he is in the house.
Take care and thanks again.
The fact that your daughter won't come home as long as her grandfather is in the house.... doesn't that tell your wife something?
Who is more important, your F-I-L or your daughter? How unusual she picks her (abusive) father over her own daughter.
You can't tell your wife what to do, but you can tell her what YOU'RE going to do. Maybe you could move in with a friend until she "gets the hint"? Not a divorce, just a temporary separation until you can move back in your own home AFTER he's gone. Could your daughter talk some sense into her mom? You have a right to live (what is considered) normally in your own home.
Your wife should not be likened to a "mother bear". Every one of us has to come to grips with dementia and its effects. It has to come down to what is best for EVERYONE. Her abusive father is impacting her whole family (you and your daughter). Him living in a facility is not "abandoning" him. He would probably get better supervision than at your home and certainly be in a less dangerous situation (chains on fridge, everything locked up, etc.) Maybe you could pick up some brochures from local memory care facilities in the area. Tell her you are afraid for your and her safety.
It seems that (for your own sanity) you will have to "force her to play her hand" on this one. I'm sorry you're in this tough situation. God bless you all.
NO ONE has declared her mentally incompetent, and we all know how brutal it is going down that road, but she is a 1/6 owner in our home and we're finding it increasingly necessary to protect ourselves from her doing something truly off the wall!
Any suggestions from this august group?