She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
Again, thanks to all on this thread! From my first post until now, you have all been of great support. And I will look in on AgingCare.com from time to time and if I can ever offer a word or thought of comfort as I "pay it forward," I'll be honored to do so.
Peace and blessings to all!
~TRW
So there she is, sitting somewhere in splendid isolation and nursing a grudge. How long has she held out so far?
My strong recommendation is that you focus on your family and worry less about your mother's comments - especially so if you're hearing them second-hand. But please do tell us more about the situation.
If your mom can live independently both financially and self care wise, then doing so is a good idea.
At this stage of your life, your focus should be on your growing children, your spouse and career.
And yes, some background would be helpful.
Wow, what a mean comment about raising 2 dogs. It would have been better if she just hurled a few swear words at you. Damn, that's an awful thing to say to your kids.
Get OVER the guilt. That's exactly where she WANTS you. Don't buy into it. Would you put up with this behavior if she was a friend or coworker? I think not. Just because she's your egg donor doesn't mean she has to love you and that you have to love her.
If she's well enough to leave your house and make other arrangements-let her!
Read some books on narcissistic mothers. Also, check out resisting guilt and poor mother-daughter relationships.
It's a shame that anyone has to have such a mean (sick) mother but that just makes you try even harder to be a great mom yourself. I know it did for me. Unfortunately, my son inherited his grandmother's genes and we don't have any relationship. So sad.
We understand. Keep coming back. You've got a lot of good company with the same problems.
OMG
this site has been like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
so many people feeling totally the same way as me. Trying to deal with my difficult cruel manipulative aging father, while my mother declines with advanced dementia for the last 5 years has been emotionally and physically exhausting to the point where I have quit my stressful job and currently retraining for another job ( so still pretty stressed) my wife is very supportive and loving but the constant guilt and anxiety arround how to manage my father and keep my mother safe has been a difficult ride at times for us, as a couple and as individuals.
like many or the kind folk that have made comments I do believe my father has had an undiagnosed mental health / personality disorder all his life and now cognitive decline
all his life , the family have just tolerated his negative controlling manipulative "put down" behaviors. until that last few years there is just me left, as he has estranged himself from everyone else.
you guys are so right. i cannot change his behavior I can only change how I deal with it .
and take time to ensure i dont repeat the cycle by picking up his negative , damaging and poor behavior toward people who care for him.
mum and dad are both in supported care now and together. I have to take heart they they are safe ,fed clean clothed , entertained and cared for.
I dont have to be all of that for them anymore, and its OK to just have short visits with them less frequently to show that i still care and love them.
and its OK to concentrate my energy on my relationship and rebuilding and enjoying my life, new job. and not to feel guilty .
take heart that all the decisions i have made with them and now for them have been for their best interests and continuing health and well being .
thanks everyone for sharing their stories.
its reassuring that I an not going mad!! just a worn out 51 year old. and need a reset and recharge.
keep strong and stand tall everyone
" we didnt plan on you!" and it went down hill from there, now Im 60. Dad is gone and she lives alone 1500 miles away. Anything that went wrong - it was because of me- I HAD to be put in private school to keep me from PUBLIC school kids, I HAD to have a tutor, because I wasnt as smart as "their kids"- I HAD to go to summer school- I came into my teens under lock and key with self esteem of carpet fiber. Weekends were for cleaning. I mean washing windows, baseboards, walls, curtins, chandelier, bathroom scrubbing, kitchen cabinets, flipping mattresses.....cleaning closets- some major weekend occupying things...God forbid if I put my laundry away less than perfect, drawer were dumped, do it again- I was a "slob" and a "pig". Come Jr year in high school, I tried out and made cheer leading.......big mistake when she saw the uniform, I was yanked out of the gym for dress liking a tramp- World class embarrassment here! Senior year, I made the basket ball team....there I was, about to shoot a free throw and the gym door opened up and her she comes storming across the court. I didnt leave a note before leaving the house. At 17, a fate worse than death.
No college, I was only going to get pregnant or married and throw the money away. Dating years.... you dont want to know, pig, whore, tramp, slut, boy crazy, why buy the cow if you get the milk for free, all they were interested in was sex. Where was dad during all of this...he was a work-a holic, and travel as needed...I understand why.
Anyway, you can see where all this started and where it is still....She is 90 now, and in dam good shape for 90! Lives in a 4 bedroom, pool home in a gated community and has all the service need to maintain it...and it cost me a fortune.
She gets herself into fights with everyone from Water Department to landscaper number 38! She fires at least one a year....Cable company, omg the fights.....there isnt one neighbor who not an "***hole, SOB, drunk across the street, drug addicts down the street, wild kids,..... her language is that of a gutter rat. If she goes to the grocery store, sure enough Management gets involved at some point. Rotten fruit, bad meat, prices went up, rude clerk.... Car insurance or home owners- fight fight fight and changes agents left and right.....If I could just duck tape her mouth shut. AND she drags me into it, with "My daughter said.....call my daughter" and gives out the cell number. She will tell them I "manager her money" but there isnt any- I just pay the bills.
I get these calls from people I have no clue what she has done.... I have had MORE THAN ONE funeral director call me for payment as she had "booked" her services so" I dont nickle and dime her to the grave".
Health care, entire other subject....I have had a total of 4, all walked out. One lasted til lunch time and never came back, Mom wanted the trash barrels washed out, and garage floor Scrubbed and washed....she was there for personal care and light house keeping......others lasted a day or two...never making a week.
I have no health care proxy, no POA and there is no will. There is no insurance policy or saving acct. strictly Soc Sec and my pay check.
At one point a couple years back, she ended up in the hospital- I jumped a plane-She informed the staff I was "there for the money", "dont trust her" and "cant wait for Hospice to take over"- she also told staff I was "mental" and not to be trusted! She also refused to sign any paper work they offered her to put POA and Heathcare in place . They saw right thru her and had psyc services come up, when he introduced himself, she promptly said I had arranged it to Pink Paper her and put her away- and threw him out of the room.
When she was fed up with the no salt diet they had her on, she accused dietary of trying to poison her and she was positive because the food tasted so bad. She had Dir. of Nurse come to her room to complain about the staff and accused them of mistreating her. It was a long 10 days for staff !
About a month after she was home, she sent a letter to the hospital administrator telling him he was running a death farm.
They sent her to rehab for a week b/c she would not get out of bed- re-coup and PT. She was admitted there at 6PM- 5AM my phone rang, she had AMA herself and was waiting in the lobby for me to get her "OUT OF HELL". I later found out she flung the food tray they brought her- told the roommate she had to "either shut up or die already"- Refused the bathroom and promptly pee'd the bed. Never mind what she said to the staff. All documented in the report. I later heard I "ran sacked her house" while staying there when she was in the hospital.
She hates my kids, my daughter especially...according to her, my daughter came between my mother and me! my husband- the hate she has for him just ooozes out of her skin-He will not put up with her crap, he will tell her to back off HIS wife. She told him " Blood is thicker than water Mister and YOU CAN BE REPLACED". lolol! Dam near died when I heard that!
Let me be clear here, this woman has all her marbles, She is a well spoken full blown Narcissist and believes everything is done specifically planned to screw her over. If she wants something I cant afford at the time I get reminded that I have been a disappointment my entire life- if I had married better this wouldn't be an issue. If I lived closer....If I had gotten divorced years ago- "before you were damaged goods" I could have gotten a decent husband.....usually followed with a 2 hr rant about how life has done her so wrong- THEN followed up with pages of emails........
When she found out I had a back wall heart attack 2 years ago, she literally had a field day about ALL THOSE who caused it!
Her words have always stuck in my brain for some reason, and I can give you decades of quotes that cut like a knife-verbatim-I think because they are so shocking and viscous I just cant let it go. I have 2 drawers in a file cabinet filled with mean letter, rants, emails...all sorts of things she has sent over the years. Pages and pages of how I have disappointed, ruined, prevented, inconvenienced, her life since my birth- which by the way was a horrible experience...yup, I have it in detail and in writing.
For years, I also felt less than- Stupid'er than other kids- parents got some sort of reject when they got me...I didnt and wouldnt date for fear of well, everything....the guy I did end up with, waited for me for years and never gave up and we were friend for years so he knew for the most part.
Having her out of state over the years allowed me to become a confident wife and mother, self employed business owner, but never a confident daughter. I wont lie and say I dont care, I do. I wont stop providing for her, because I know right from wrong. I love my mother because I grew up with thinking I had too......would I pick her to be in my life without the blood connection-no.
Okay, I have put so many embarrassing things about my life out here today- I cant believe Im doing it...but I will tell you NO, you cant have enough $ to make their life better- No you will never do or be enough of anything to one of the most important people in your life. The answer is just NO and I will tell you, its ok. We are up against all the shoulda woulda coulda they didnt get to in their life and now its your fault for not getting it done. Life goes by to dam fast, so there we are struggling every day with an aging pissed off, mean parent ripping into you- and all we are doing is setting ourselves up for the same shoulda woulda coulda.
About a year ago, I stopped ripping my soul out. I have finally realized I cant buy happiness retail for her, I cant go back and fix whatever made her choose me as a target. I now see her as a person who its my duty to provided for her health and care for and I dont have to have a close relationship- the one I want, as mother and daughter. Its ok to do the right thing for someone who will never EVER give you anything in return, simply because they are not wired that way. Its ok to still respect the parent position in your life even though they cant respect you as a loyal person in theirs. Somehow this did make a difference in my life and it had nothing to do with changing her, I changed me. I am a dam good loyal child and so are you or you wouldnt be scanning the web for help. YOU have done the right thing. You know right from wrong, you feel it, you have done it and it hurt you to have it kicked back and rejected. We get one life- put it into perspective and know your not alone, your not crazy, your not some back stabbing greedy kid waiting for a pay day. You stand there, did your best and never gave up. This one not on you....this isnt ours to own. GIVE IT BACK to their ownership and find some peace in your head first. You dont even have to say a word to them..... Mentally, give it back to them- here, this is yours not mine. I dont know how I got to that, but I did and I can tell you from my heart it has helped.
"I now see her as a person who its my duty to provide for her health and care for and I don't have to have a close relationship- the one I want, as mother and daughter. Its ok to do the right thing for someone who will never EVER give you anything in return, simply because they are not wired that way. Its ok to still respect the parent position in your life even though they can't respect you as a loyal person in theirs."
Yes, yes, and yes. Well done!
And I thought my mother was bad. If this were a spouse, friend or sibling treating you this way you would never be expected to put up with this abuse. I understand doing the right thing as I am doing the same for someone who could care less about me and has emotionally neglected me and manipulated me since adopting me. I applaud you for what you are doing for her. I would have to walk away for my own sanity and if anyone ever called you into question all you would have to do would be submit all the documentation. I hope you get relief from her mental illness soon. Blessings to you!
My mother has suffered from mental illness all of her life (some sort of neurosis), but refuses medication; she has been taking Zoloft/Sertraline for close to 1 year now, but she doesn't follow the protocol & takes it as she pleases! A FEW MONTHS AGO SHE WAS DOINg better while semi-complying with Dr's orders, but now she's back to skipping doses most of the time. We also have a prescription for a calming agent Respiradol which has to be given without her knowledge (works well in the milk which she adds to her coffee and tea), but my sister (her caretaker) refuses to give it to her behind her back so things are back to the usual manipulation/control inferno.
I've told my sister many times that in order to maintain some kind of peace we have to use the Respiradol when needed, but she refuses to do that kind of backstabbing! We do have a prescription; I don't know how to convince her (my sister) that maybe she should start helping herself too!
All the best!
I don't understand why children ARE "expected to put up with this abuse." I really don't. Or why it's the "right thing" to put up with these abusive elders. If we were to stop reinforcing these ideas, caregivers would be healthier and happier, yes?
These types of parents groomed their adult children to take their abuse from childhood and expect nothing to change now that they are grown. It does not always turn out that way, but too often it does.
I'm nearly at the end of my tether with my 88 year old Mother. Her Narcissistic personality has tried to control me all my life. Despite this I would say I am a strong person and very independent.
My Mothers constant criticism of me throughout my life has really worn me down. On the other hand she continually praises my brother and he can do no wrong!
Now at 88 her negativity towards me has only grown worse. There is no apparent Dementia like symptoms just a more concentrated version of her regular personality.
I try to care for her and my stepfather in their own home. I live 20 miles away and have a family of my own.
I do as much as I can but nothing I do is ever good enough. I have grown used to her 'Black' moods but now they are becoming intolerable. Often she is only verbally abusive towards me but sometimes she is also physically aggressive.
I made a decision that I would just leave their house if she started but this makes me feel so guilty . My stepfather is 92 and a lovely man though now very physically frail. He has home care twice a day and medical assistance.
I know my Mother can be 'nasty' with him too but he is determined to remain at home. He is mentally very healthy.
I visit them every week and carry out a variety of chores.
During my last visit my Mother was excessively abusive towards me and resorted to physically attacking me.I wanted to just leave but my Stepfather was desperate for me to stay. My Mother continued to throw numerous insults at me and prevented me from carrying out any of the tasks I had planned to do for them that day.
I thought my head would explode when she wished that Id 'get Cancer' and told me I was 'Evil' and would 'end up a lonely old woman' etc,etc,
Eventually after 4 hours she calmed down and I managed to leave their house.
Its not a healthy environment for me to be in but I worry about both of them. I still love my Mother but I don't 'like' her sometimes!
Some may say she has mental health problems. If so, why is her behaviour so selective. Towards my brother she only ever loving and admiring!
Thanks for listening folks.
I really feel for you. If you read my previous bit about my own 'Toxic' Mother you will see I truly understand your pain.
I know it's really easier said than done BUT we both need to set definite boundaries between ourselves and our toxic parents.
Otherwise our lives will be totally sacrificed for their lives!
Listen to your husband who loves you and is definitely concerned about your welfare.
Believe me I know it's hard to really step back but I'm trying to put my sanity first now. Even though I just can't get rid of the guilt and worry in my own head!
Let's try our best to put our welfare in the front!
Good luck!!
Your grieving is more important than your mother's caregiving. She can spend her own money (just how much is she going to leave you in her will?) for help. You do not deserve to be emotionally and physically abused.
Are there other siblings?
Lizzie, so how involved is your brother in caregiving for your toxic mother?
My brother 'the golden one' lives 250 miles away from my parents! He usually contributes more financially but recently he has tried to visit/help them more ( once a month maybe)
He is a doctor so he is very useful in giving medical advice/direction! Hence is great 'goldeness'!
I just think my Mother just doesn't love me as much,added to the fact she is a complete Narcissist!
My real father died when I was 6 yrs old. I am in effect the odd one out I suppose. I don't really know any different as my Mother has always treated my ( step) brother differently to me.
Sorry to go on but it helps to spell it out sometimes.
I still feel guilty when I try to keep a distance from my Mothers toxic behaviour towards me!
Thanks
He remarried when we were teenagers and the relationship we had with his wife was terrible from day one and has continued up until now. They are both in assisted living close to where I live and both suffer from dementia and because of her incontinence and the few accidents she's had both in the home and at a relative’s house, there is no way I will have her in my house and my father won't come without her. They are both very unsociable and other than meal times in the home, just sit in their room staring at each other all day. Going to visit them has become very stressful so I limit my visits to just 10 minutes. They are lucky that we have remained close by in order to help them, many would have taken off long ago and not returned.
Guilty??? Not one bit.
Be careful how you treat your children for they are the ones that will be pushing your wheelchair one day.
For The Past 10-15 Years, I Can't Believe Some Of The Things That Have Come Out Of Her Mouth ... Things She NEVER Would've Said In The Past.
She Has Lost ALL Her Friends Because Of Her Mean Nature And I Am On The Verge Of Moving Out And Letting Her Take Care Of Herself.
The worst was her triangulation with others. As I'm an only, the way she went about doing that was by "adopting" others. Including putting them into her will and writing me out if I didn't put up docilely with her non stop abuse and aggression. What sickens me is how many people could see through her mental illness (or personality disorder) but nevertheless eagerly queued up to be included in her will . They in turn would encourage her rages and help to solidify her insanity that I deserved all the abuse she heaped upon me, I guess so they might have a chance at her $$
Despite paying for my own university education though working and scholarships, and
maintaining 4.0 throughout, I was portrayed as a druggie and deadbeat to all and sundry. I'm sure this is all familiar territory for those here caring for aging narcissistic
parents.
What has been the hardest thing for me to accept stepping back into my father's life
after my Mom's passing, is that although he doesn't verbally abuse me, he emotionally
abuses me, while playing Dad of the year to all who cross his path. This should NOT have been a surprise to me as he sat back and let my mom abuse me growing up. I think he thought "better her than me!"
Thus although I break my back helping him, he treats me like a servant then complains and gossips about me continually to others, while treating them with an affection and respect he chooses not to share with me.
It's so disheartening. :( . Ie, he recently told me I should euthanize my old dog, because
she was too expensive (highly ironic as he wants me to spend my $$ on him although he has enough funding to more than cover his own expenses). I declined his advice, but when it did become time to put my pet to sleep, he started chiding me that I really needed a dog, implying that I was too mentally f**ed up to have friendships and that only a dog would be able to accept me. And of course the greatest irony, was that I have lost touch with some friends because of my extreme exhaustion dealing with his many health crises?!!
I guess the harsh truth is that if a narcissistic parent wasn't there for you as a child when
they are morally responsible to be there for you, they sure as heck aren't going to be there for you as an adult child. No matter how much you sacrifice. I do believe that
if I dropped dead of a heart attack while caring for my father, he'd just maneuver around
me to schmooze up whoever might give him the flattery and attention he constantly craves.
An adult child is synonymous with caregiver/servant to a narcissist. They may feign interest in your life but in my experience it is either to keep the highest levels of care
going or to get some dirt, real or imagined, either to spice up their gossip about you or to gain some leverage to blind side you in a weak moment. To expect normal family anything from these folks is to cause you and your loved ones real pain. Nothing short of your own demise will stop their black hole of need from consuming your life if you
choose to keep acquiescing to everything they want and demand.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, and more boundaries are only solution. Such a tough thing to do when you've been groomed by narcissistic parents to become their clone and servant, and thus to have literally no boundaries at all!!! Best of luck and
encouragement to all who are in this situation. Your very life depends on good self
care and good boundaries!