She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
That's me reading your post, ewymer.
How long have you been coping with your mother's care needs?
How much longer are you thinking of carrying on?
The thing is, one way or another, it might help if you set a time limit and look for what other options there might be.
I completely sympathise with how frustrating and harrowing together it is to have any kind of meaningful conversation in this situation.
It is wonderful when you realise there isn't any point and give up, you know. Because she is either going to disagree; or she is going to feel bad; and neither of those is going to make you feel one whit better about history.
There is more satisfaction to be gained in doing your best in spite of everything. Very imperfect best, in my case - but still, it's all you can do.
For some caregivers, if we really did follow others' advice and "care for our parents just as they once cared for us..." we'd get done for neglect and abuse!
But often the problems weren't a lack of love itself, exactly, they were to do with personalities or character traits - not to mention Fate, as in your family's losing your father - that just meant our mothers were lousy at being mothers. So you still love your mother, but it's in spite of her mothering, not because of it. In your own good time you'll find the right balance with her.
Anyway,now i live with my mom during the years when my kids wete young we reconnected. So out of financial need and thinking we could help each other i made the big mistake o living with her nothing i do is right. She treats me like trash. Dhe doesnt like any of her neighbors
I can see that she isnt right in the head, but i cant convince my sister of it. Mom is paranoid, nasty ,shes been very forgetfull lately she cant see real well. And here i stay ,trying to help someone who's told me she hates me.
So your definitly not alone
There are a couple of things I cannot seem to let go of , she accuses me of stealing her money and she attacks my wife and daughter by accusing them of stealing things out of her house. Can you imagine your own mother calling you a thief ?? As many of you could I could go on and on but I won't. It is just good to relieve the pressure sometimes.
She has caregivers taking care of her most of the day in her house and put it in her durable POA statements that prevent us from getting her into a nursing home. She also loves to play my brother against me despite just about the only thing he does for her is talk on the phone with her. She will cal and call and call him, as much as 25 times within 2 hours but will not call me unless there is something drastic issue with her finances. I have taken over most of her finances and taxes because bills were not getting taken care of, she cannot write checks anymore, her handwriting is so bad and does not leave the house so no banking, etc. My life coordinating with caregivers and handling things, including repairs from a distance (I live 800 miles away, whole other story with even more resentment of my mother’s part).
I hate to say this but I wish her miserable existance would hurry up and end.
She has no quality of life: poor eyesight, can’t hear worth a darn but won’t get hearing aids (costs too much money, she is too cheap for words); incontinent both ways and refuses to change Depends after sitting in them for 2-3 days. Broke both hips, both upper arms and has very limited mobility so sits in one spot all day, refusing to do PT (complains they hurt her, more stubbornness). Just nasty, nasty, nasty....
Her crowning blow recently for me is calling me on my birthday to tell me she wasn’t going to call and wish me happy birthday, send a card or do anything. She only called because she was badgered by a caregiver and as soon as she told me this, she hung up on me!! So over her...
Watching a very old, dementia case slowly wither away has got to be the absolute worst thing for any child/family to have to go thru!!
It sounds as if me & you are long lost sisters perhaps? This is not what i pictured getting older. I think I have been put thru enuf with my mother when i was a child. Now in my adult life I'm not going to let her verbally & emotionally abuse me. Sooner or later she's going to b in the hospital & I hope they don't waste their time calling me. I'm not going to her funeral either. I've had to deal with my daughters death. All by myself. She was 4. My mother so called...has NVR never ever been one. So.why should I care ? Hope you can move my dear ..thinking of you! ((Hugs))
and exploitative people. Guess who gets to step in a rescue him? Yep.
He's paranoid in the extreme, thinks others are out to use him or exploit him
or steal from him.. I'm thinking it's textbook projection.
He has been a black hole of need, which I've graciously tried to help as he has
serious health concerns, some quite scary. But each and every time he is
better it's a new drama, new gossip, new chaos. So even though it's not
fighting, I do think the drama and playing victim and all the gossip is enjoyable
to him, regardless of the stress and drainage of funds it causes.
Not liking this type of thing and this personality pattern seems like a very healthy thing. It has destroyed my trust in my Ndad and any sense of attachment. All that is left is dreary duty. I'm trying to put up as many boundaries as possible and learn to develop a thick skin and sense of humor.
Quit hoping for change and find a way to deal with the reality as it is, instead of
how I wish it to be.
Hugs and best wishes to all who experience this type of parent. Take time off
whenever you can. Dont' leave it until it's too late and all your time off is spent
in a doctor's office!
My mother has reverted back to the child-abusing monster she was when I was growing up. She started telling me things she used to tell me growing up, like: "I never wanted you, you ruined my marriage, you ruined my life, you are a terrible person, you don't deserve to live on this earth, you were born bad, you are bad, etc...." When she started telling me these things as an adult, I stood up to her and tried to explain she is responsible for her own marriage and childhood behaviors, for small children, are beyond the control of the child. She insists that I am different and I was born bad and ruined her life.
My husband seems to think I shouldn't take her seriously and doesn't see her words as all that serious. I send my husband to deal with her because I don't want to see her. My husband makes me feel guilty for not trying to work it out with her.
She is nice to others but not me. She singles me out for bad treatment and tells my daughter and husband that they are okay. She calls other family members and complains about me. I don't know how to work it out because she is mad at me for being a bad kid. I've apologized and continue to apologize for being a bad kid. I gave up trying to help her realize her role in her own life. Now, I just don't want to see her.
Is it wrong to just avoid the old mean person, as long as someone else (like my husband) attends to her needs?
What an awful bunch of things to say to a child! She should have had her tongue cut out for being so mean and possibly ruining your self esteem for life.
You have done everything you can do and, in my book, have no responsibility to her. If you have a strong negative emotion against her, it's better that you don't see her. A visit wouldn't benefit either one of you. If hubby is willing to interact with her, great. Thank him for relieving you of a mentally and emotionally dibilitating experience for having to interact with her.
There is no law saying you have to love and care for your mother (let alone someone who treated you like trash).
Try to enjoy as much of life as you can and leave her out of the picture. She was your egg donor, nothing more. A real Mom would never have said those things.
My best therapy has been to love my children, to try to do the opposite from what my mother did to me. And of course I made other mistakes, and my daughter and I went through rocky times. But now she too is a mother, and we find much in common and I can finally convince her how much I love and care for her and admire her too. I do hope and pray that some of you can find the same solace, and turn sad pasts into happy presents, even if they are only fleeting moments. Cherish them.
We aren’t robots! We are human beings that can decide whether to tolerate mistreatment from other’s or not. We are now old enough to know better and are no longer that helpless child who had no power over those hurtful situations that occurred throughout our childhood! Set healthy boundaries and you will also have sanity in your life!
God Bless