She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
It seems to me there is a lot of pressure on daughters to drop our careers and lives for this, to the point of ruin. My husband's siblings are all boys, his dad is alone and his dad says he knows his boys are busy with their own lives and careers and he takes care of himself....
I currently work six days a week and have a caregiver at the house when I'm gone. She was so hateful to the caregiver last week, she left. I hate my day off because I have her following me around criticizing, complaining, demanding, blaming, deflecting, etc., etc., etc. My heart goes out to all of you who are living the same nightmare and I pray for relief and peace for all. Take care of yourselves.
Life is too short to be living this way. What if you died tomorrow?
It’s time to be happy and that won’t happen with your mother there.
Run away from home!
I would proceed with caution regarding contact with your Mom. It may be your Mom's dementia has softened her negativity, in which case I can see why you might be tempted to re-establish contact. Going low or no contact takes a great deal out of you, especially at first. I understand your caution, which is wise! There's no right or wrong course of action. Depending on the source of dementia, whether it's LBD, vascular, Alzheimer's whatever, the progress of the disease can be inconsistent. She may be going through a temporary phase.
Let me offer hope. She will never change. You can.
Soooo many of the mothers described here sound like carbon copies of my own. Good grief, it's like a disease that doesn't kill the host, just everyone around it! The negativity, the blaming, the abuse, the toxicity! These women are total killjoys. Love thieves. Noxious Nellies. Debbie Downers. Can you think of any more? It is soooo hard not to be bitter, to have been raised by such a miserable thing! I have to remind myself daily not to allow her negativity to define who I am. One of my favorite affirmations:
"I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become." Carl Jung
Yes, I know, and I am in danger, having always been the one to easily forgive in the past. I know now that this just enables people, after a while, to keep being cruel. I am still forgiving of the truly repentant, though. I am also the truth teller. Truth is important to me.
My adult son said something, similar, to what you did, here. He said: "Mom, instead of thinking about the family that created you, think about the family you created." He then went on to say how much he appreciated me.
In regard to bitterness. I have been, somewhat. Especially, in response to people being angry with me for limiting contact with my mother (and, by the way, a sister, who is like my mother, on steroids, and highly toxic). However, the biggest issue for me has been the gut wrenching sadness from realizing all of this, and that I can never love them enough to fix our relationships.
Let your sister take her for for the holidays. Better yet leave her in the facility. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Why should you not enjoy your children and grandchildren. Your mother is a narcissist person and will never change. You did your part. Time to enjoy whatever time you have left. It is clear that she has not learned this.
The last couple of weeks have been the worse. It all started when my dad fell in the driveway. My mom called my son to help him up. My son called the paramedics to have him checked out, my dad refused treatment. My dad had not been feeling well for a couple of weeks, he is 87. A few days later I get a call from my mom that dad is not getting any better and can I come over to check on him. I did and he is sleeping in his chair, hardly aware of what is going on. I call the paramedics, they come and take one look at him and say you ready to go to the hospital now, same ones that helped him up. Meanwhile, my mom is in the kitchen slamming cupboard doors and yelling about how she should never have called me and she knew I was going to do this. She then made cream of wheat and was eating it while the paramedics was there.
I got to the er, didn't take my mom, she can hardly walk and has copd, she is on oxygen all the time. It is very diffulct to take her places, she can't hardly walk out to the car. Anyway my dads oxygen level was very down, and he is having prostate trouble. They took 2 liters of urine out of him and he now has a catheter
I was with him at the er until 3 in the morning, I get a call from my mom around noon, can you go to the store for me, I don't want anyone else to go but you. I was tired and frustrated and yelled at her. I know I should not have, it was like everything came out of me. She said she would drive herself to the store, she can't hardly walk she has no business driving. So I went over there and told her we needed help, I can't do it all. I take them to dr apts, go to the store, and clean, plus she is very demanding. If she calls you, she wants you to drop everything and come over. Anyway my son was there and we was telling her we can't do it all, she gets mad and kicks me out and threatens to call the cops on us. My finally sent me a text and said we might as leave we are making things worse by being there. Later I get a call from a close family friend that she was taking delight in telling people on how she run me out of the house. Actually she didn't, run us out of the house, my son and I was waiting for her to call the cops, I know that is mean, but what can I say.
This is really long, but dad was released from the hospital with oxygen and catheter. I had a nurse, therapist, social worker and home health aid set up to come in and help. I was told they didn't need any help at home, washer and dryer are in the basement. They can't go down the steps. It was all canceled, my dad has taken himself off of the oxygen. He still has the catheter, I don't know how he will get rid of that. The hospital did not recommend he go home right away but go to a nursing home for a couple of weeks to recover. So now I am back to square one.
It is rare to find someone who in so many ways describes a side of life that so few understand. Your story, short as is, contains more than a plate full. Difficult as things are, you are your mom's son; Therefore this cross is yours to bear, so bear it for the sake of mercy towards her since it sounds like there is no one left to give her that. Do it in such a way where by you do not allow the suffering to go beyond you. In other words try and absorb as much as you can; Not by making yourself a martyr. By no means, for that would be selfish and prideful. Instead Be deliberate in your decision to get on with it. Remember, there is going to come a time when you will be at the head of room filled with family and friends who will be present to bid there final prayer, farewell, or what have you. How do you think it will go if you give up now? In the end, the cross that has been appointed to each and every individual will reflect back something about how each person handled it, whatever it might be; Though, basically, one is either vindicated in life, and so comes a sense of relief and fulfillment unlike anything else. Only tears of sorrow and relief can truly express the heart at that moment. The other is condemnation. Only you can choose. I'll p[ray for you and your family in Jesus name. In the meantime let your family watch as you take hold of that which is for you to do. And pray for perseverance, for yourself and your family. Also place your mom in the care of the LORD thy God and pray that she would receive all that is good, that is coming to her from you and yours. It does take a village at some point.
Kind Regards Henry
Practical help: Many cell phones allow you to customize the ring for each contact. I put mthr's number on "silent." And I delete certain number's voice mails without listening. It really helps!
I had a friend go on and on and on the other day, and finally she said "Do I smell the odor of burning Martyr here?" Your mother has done enough, it would seem to me, to your life. Are you willing to give the rest of it over to her as well?
Not everyone is a good person. Not everyone is deserving of our constant care and compassion. Your first job is to give yourself a decent life. Your second is to make a decent life for your own significant other and your own children. Respect is owed. Caring for her is not. That would be a gift. A gift you choose of your own free will. Or not. I am so very sorry you are going through this, but you are going to have to make some decisions for your life; please get professional help with them.
I am the full time caretaker for my mother who also (as we have put it for years) "does not play well with others". Since I care take I have not had one holiday or family activity/outing without the invitation stating I am to bring our mother. For years. I actually have started to despise the holidays and will only participate in the ones I can't get out of.
I would also ask if there is anyone that could do an evaluation and prescribe something to help with her aggressive personality. I don't like to push medications but if it can calm the lashing out I'm sure it would be a blessing for all involved.