She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
Please don't leave us as I'm sure you have good things to say to other survivors of child abuse (waving at 'cha)!. If you need to talk to someone right now, here's help: Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday.
I don't think you can evict your mom since you don't have a lease. However, you could sell the house from under her and let the buyer be the one to evict her.
You are already seen as the bad guy by family who refused to protect you as a child- why would you want to please them when they were evil to you and didn't turn in your mom? It's ok for you to set limits on mom & not take all her calls.
The book Boundaries by cloud and Townsend was a big help to me when I started distancing myself from mthr. How about starting a new post and just copy paste what you said here so everyone can see this?
For actual Thanksgiving Day, I made the entire meal. Brother came over earlier (he lives locally, about a 10 minute drive or less). He did nothing. So we sit down to eat, and I start to get sick, running to the bathroom barfing. They keep eating away. Mom did eventually ask if I was ok. Yeah, not really. I had to clean up/put all the stuff away. Then brother says well, I've got to go (around 1:30 or 2 pm), and he didn't come back for the typical eating leftovers that evening. So Mom goes into a funk, blaming me. What in the hell did I do? Oh, sorry I got sick. So she didn't want anything to eat. The dressing I made, which she said she liked, nope, take it all home with you, as well as green bean casserole. She didn't like the rolls I bought, nothing. I'm going to try to stick to my guns and not make the meal next year. Then I felt like crap, so I went to bed. Felt badly the next day, chills, upset stomach, body aches. Her response, "why me? I won't have any Christmas". Yes, because typically the Friday after Thanksgiving I put up her tree and do her decorations. But she never thinks of herself. That comment told me all I needed to hear - I'm just here to do chores for her - and she says I owe her. Anything she ever did for me, she will tell me about ad nauseum. Dad passed away suddenly when I was 12, and she's said that I was an adult, should have cared about what she was going through, should have been responsible for my own food, clothing, etc. I told her 12 was not an adult legally, but no to her I was her equal - yet she still treats me as a child, an underling.
I got her tree and most decorations up yesterday. I made a dinner using leftovers (disguised), told her it would be ready in 30 minutes, do whatever you need to do now (bathroom, glue in false teeth). She waited until I had the meal on the table to go to the restroom, then spent 40 minutes dicking around. I lost it. I shouldn't have but I did. I said do you want to eat it, and heard, well it's probably cold now. She always does that, which I think is to piss me off. She has also been trying to gaslight me, telling me one thing very definitively, then an hour or so later saying she never told me that or never said to do that. She had a major meltdown last night, after I lost my cool. Major. Now asleep in her chair, while I try to make her Sunday dinner. I am sure something won't be right with the dinner. Her tv is on the fritz, which she's had me doing handstands to fix. Yeah it's the tv, not her cable box. I am sure it's my fault somehow.
I'm going to be sick for Christmas. Yes, I can foretell that now. Something that isn't too bad, but won't allow me to travel per doctor's orders. She dictates how everything should be, and if she doesn't get her way, here come the tears to guilt you into doing whatever she wants. She even said that 'gift cards aren't Christmas'. So even gifts are to be ruled by what she decrees. She literally cannot understand anyone who does not think like she does. I said you know people have different opinions. Ok, but why? Mine are better. I'm just done with it at this point; really considering strongly going no contact. Thanks for letting me vent.
Ahhhhhh, moving right along.....Thanksgiving came and went, without her. IT WAS WONDERFUL! And I went to someone home for dinner- as a guest- first time in 39 yrs. I dressed up a little bit, I wore perfume instead of sweat- there was no phone fight, before you pick me up fight, all the way back to the house fight, "dont hurt my arm" going into the house fight, the house is cold-"are you out of oil?" fight. No one asked why you cooked this or that, no one said " Ive had better" or "shoulda gone out to eat" remark.
WEIRDEST FRIGGIN THANKSGIVING in 39 years!!!!!!
People all brought a dish, they come early to help, they laugh, eat, laugh, eat more, laugh more and then comes desert! MORE LAUGHING MORE EATING! No nasty remarks like "you really dont need to eat that" " You really should loose a few" and there wasnt one 40 minute sob story or any lie's told at that table. Not one knife went in anyone back. Not one person yelled "get my pills, I need my pills"
AND the ride home, WELL, we put on christmas music in the car and hubby and I drove the 2 hrs home, happily. Hmmmm woo-da-thunk there would be no 2 hr session about the house being dirty or too small-too cold- too much food, not enough food- bad cook, the booze- (wine)bunch of drunks- kids were out of control, get rid of the dog, I was ignored- Im cold, Im hot, find a bathroom, why did you talk her him or her, you know how they treated me in 1961....NONE OF THAT!
I swear to God, my husband came to bed that night and said " weird night huh". Imagine, its weird to us to not walk on egg shell, bicker the entire day away, one nasty remark after another- and we were both 2 fish out of water-but we liked it! She wasnt apart of anything- no card mailed to her- no flowers, no phone call, she's not at the house or dinner table....we had discovered a holiday! It was amazing, it was fun, and I want more.
Please, to all of you who have grown up as I did, knowing you were garbage- Gods mistake-suicidal- depressed- low self esteem- the sole reason someone life was miserable- trust me- try this, walk away, stay away, dont look back, dont go back. If they are under your roof, leave- go out- leave the misery at home- until you get them out of there. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart- get them out! I didnt know how this would go, no clue, but I accepted an invitation and lo and behold I found out how others have holidays. There was zero guilt-it felt good. Please try, get yourself out from under this black cloud- and so what if your first try is a flop, try again, just dont stop trying- I know its hard but if by any grace you find fun in a dreaded holiday it might just be the kick start you need. Im here if anyone wants to talk- love to all of us!
Thank you for letting me ramble.
Hi J,
I needed to write this to try to make sense of what I am experiencing. Mom keeps saying things like my husband threatened to slit my throat and I will never forget it, cross my heart on my mother's grave. When I ask her when he did this she says, oh I don't know, many years ago. I ask her, before you lived with us in Australia or in Australia? she says before. In Australia she never mentioned that he threatened her. We had some arguments there, some memorably bad ones, but overall we had a good time going on trips to the sunshine coast, and beaches, restaurants etc. Even if he did threaten her, it was a long time ago and has never been brought up until recently. Now it is always brought up by mom when she gets mad at him, which is very often. She appears to have a deep seated hatred of him and I simply do not know where this comes from. Some in-law irritation would be understandable, but this is something else, far more extreme. Daniel the other day asked me what Nana meant by saying these words, which are disturbing for a boy to hear about his dad. I said I don't know what is going on, I don't understand it. I know he had arguments with mom in the past, but he doesn't recall threatening her in that way. He recalls saying other negative things in anger. What I have noticed is that John her tenant uses threatening language and he frequently speaks to mom, so I think she is getting these ideas from him perhaps because she is not processing information very well. John accused J a year ago of threatening to slit his throat, which J cannot recall. John told my husband last week that he should watch out as mom's gonna kill him in his sleep. Last year someone apparently stabbed him in his basement stairwell. Someone he met in the park(?!!!). It is like living with pirates. As far as I can tell, John appears to be the source of a lot of this crap and it makes me uncomfortable that he lives downstairs. After I get upset with mom, she goes downstairs to complain to John about how she can't tolerate me, which might be a funny scenario from a healthy distance. Anyhow, my point with all of this is that there is a lot of violent language being used in front of my kids (and this says a lot as I am not especially fussy about what they are exposed to), about how someone threatened to kill someone and it is very distressing. I am partly to blame for sometimes repeating it in order to defend myself. If I mention that this sort of violent language involving death threats is new to us as a family, as we weren't in the habit of discussing awful ways to die, mom says things like she should have called the police on him years ago, missing the point that these words are damaging in themselves. I have other problems and I can't deal with this destructive stuff. It is also a total waste of energy. Life is pretty hard already without this madness, with it, it is very near impossible.
Sorry, I know you have your own responsibilities. I guess I feel I can talk to you about this because you know how difficult it is to live here.
Love,
L
I am here for you if you need to talk or vent.....praying for the both of us.
Meanwhile, though - does your mother belong to a church or similar social group? If so, why not see what they're organising for Christmas for members of the community. Could be you could nudge them into including her without appearing to have had a hand in the arrangements.
But look, she made the choice to move home an hour away from you. "Gee mother, I'm sorry, but you DID say this was what you wanted..."
You or any other family member who, when you really boil it down, feel that at least some time should be given to the matriarch during what is after all a family occasion can pay a visit to her, and then leave as soon as preferred citing difficult driving conditions, pressure of time, etc. etc. Doesn't have to be Christmas Day, just any day in the holiday period and then that is definitely the duty done. This part is optional, n.b., and can be delegated. The key advantage of course is that as soon as you've had enough you can run away.
I spent my childhood wondering why I couldn't please my mother (thinking it was my fault) and grew up suffering from low self-esteem and lack of confidence, and I still get anxiety and occasional depression. Having my mum nearby after over 30 years living miles apart brings all this back. I've read the narcissism books and am going to try counselling again, because I feel she is overshadowing my whole life (which is good in most other ways) and I can't bear the prospect of being responsible for her for possibly another ten years, by which time my husband will be in his 70s.
I dread visiting my mum and despise myself and my husband (who never stands up to her even though he does more for her than anyone) for being so spineless and letting her get away with treating people like dirt. Yet I feel a daughterly and Christian duty to look after her and keep trying to make her life a little happier, even though she sabotages most efforts to do that. Maybe she actually likes being miserable...
I'm so sorry for everyone else who is going through this but it's good to know I am not alone.
I don't believe that being a good Christian and daughter means being a martyr for your mom. Your husband is likely not standing up to her because she is your mom, not his. I thought at one point I was doing the right thing standing up to my MIL, but I learned that my wife's therapist was glad for one occasion that took place without me there to hide behind and she had to deal with her mom. Most assisted living places provide transportation to the doctor. She could take that. I think that ya'll are doing too much and she's the one calling all of the shots. Why don't you stand up to your mom, she's your mom. I do hope you go to counseling to find some emotional freedom from this web that your mom raised you in.
She's selfish and it's always about her. We don't wanna put her in a nursing home. I'm taking her to a neurologist to see why she's like that and if she's gotta be on medication. I have stopped taking care of myself, I don't eat good or sleep, it's affecting my life really bad. I'm having anxiety and depression because of this. I hope the doctor can give her something to calm her down.
I wish you lots of luck.
Thank you for sharing your story
God bless you
you have my every sympathy
Other posts that could remain disappear.
Now, she is starting to have memory issues. My brother has noticed as well but won't say anything. It is becoming increasingly obvious that there are memory issues. The doctors now think she may have had a stroke and she says if she did it is my fault. When I finally brought up the subject of memory issues, her abuse increased against me and just insults me by saying that she doesn't remember because she doesn't care about my life or what I tell her. She gives back gifts that I give her usually in an insulting way and mocks me for giving her flowers. She has begun lying to cover for herself and tells others that I am lying. It's a nightmare. I am planning to move further away soon for work and hate to say it, but will be happy not to have interaction with her much. Let my sister and brother deal with her. I can't take it any more.
carola and helenb, lifeisshort, and others - you have my sympathies My mother was very difficult and negative all my life. This was not just old age. It was her borderline personality disorder and narcissism. You can take steps to protect yourselves. That is not un christian Standing up for yourself may not change her - the only person you can really change is yourself. You can improve your quality of life even with a parent as described here. But it takes change and growth on your part and caring for yourself.
Whatever she said would already qualify her as serious abuser and to looney bin
Statements you damn stupid from different country
You don't know how to make anything bed toast etc
You will never have anything in life, better job carrier home car
Your kids don't love you etc statements
I wish when you go on lunch you will get into car crash and die with your boyfriend
I wish to be stronger so I could push you to the ground and beat you up to death
I sometimes feel like I want to just drop of a stairs and die
You don't know who I know I can call police and get you arrested for elderly abuse
Nobody will believe you Its your word against mine.
And this counting of bread and apples and etc starting how many pieces is there left to see if I took anything.
But you know and I know it want change.I did something to protect myself I recorded her from very beginning until now at occasion yelling at me and all I wrote above.No!!! Granny want throw me under the train although she sounds exactly like that movie character screaming at her son Owen (Danny Davito)I told her I recorded her and I told her she can't continue to treat me like shit I told company that hired me to.She is little more careful now but she want change complaining.She told me it is to late to fire me cause I know to much and she should do it long time ago.She also called me when I was five minutes late crying wolf telling me I think you quit and you never are coming back please come back.I am quitting my job by the way as soon as she will feel better.End of the month.I need to be happy around people who are happy and see glass always half full.I think It kind of save me what I did.Cause
I told her what I think
I make it clear I want be threaten or accept abuse as something ok.
I want comply to everything as she wants .If am washing dishes I want drop it and run to do other invented chore.I will finish that and do it on my terms cause it can wait a second.
When I was growing up my Grandparents was a sweetest people around.We had great relationships and they were always happy and encouraging.I want let anyone to abuse me without telling them.My client would never change.I feel sorry for her and how she chooses to be.She is finding happiness in inflicting pain and criticizing everyone. Always trying to find someone in bad shape so she feels better about her condition. Iam not HER I choose to be happy.Money she pays is a great insentive.I get $2000 a week since January .In January spend 1650 hours with her.lol.I also slept in her bed on a top of it so she wouldn't have to yell at me to another room to take her to bathroom.I don't want to be burden/old