She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
Like I say..she's in a good place. Live your life the way you want and DON'T look back. Time is too short. Live it like today is your last day. That's what I'm going to do!
There is an article on here about caring for your loved one with capgrass syndrome. Write that in the questions search box. My Mother thought there were 2 of me for awhile in mid stage Alzheimer's. She also would see people in her house occasionally that were not there. This stage passed after maybe 4 or 5 months for her. She is on year 11 now and still walks, talks and eats just fine. Her diagnosis is Alzheimer's with mixed demtia. Maybe a little Lewy in there too. It's a crazy ride.
I know there are so many others out three in my shoes. To all of you I say...Save Yourselves !! We have so many more years left. I need to choice happy....We all deserve better. We've do our duty...we've done our best. None of this is our fault.
Thank God ! But she was a killjoy the whole time. Everything must always be about her...centered on her. It's utterly insane !! Last nite I was driving back from my son's birthday...dark...in the rain...85 miles. I've done it a million times...expressways & Interstates all the way. But...this time I literally snapped on bluetooth with her. I lost my mind on her !! It was scary...but needed. She had to be nasty & sarcastic & hateful when she called my son...to not say Happy Birthday but to take him over the coals for not calling her enough !!! I had had all I could take. Never loose your mind driving 70 miles mph on a busy Interstate. Makes for a scary drive home. That was my breaking point. You will reach yours. It's had a mentally jarring effect on me....but I'll get over it. You have all my sympathy :)
I have learned to walk away from the situation- literally- I WALKED AWAY- never look back, never went back. The freedom is awesome and I can not tell you what its like to breath again. Sure, she rips me up one side and down the other- fills my voice mails with these long story's about how much she hates me and 15 good reasons why-but there isnt anything I can do when she calls the home phone- I have blocked the cell #.
That said, here the point of my post. I did my home work dealing with her and that meant dealing with me. Who knew at 62 yrs old I had absolutely no clue who the hell I was. I discovered I was raised by someone who was delusional and found my life written on several articles/books/etc about people who are delusional. Now THAT was a stunner. No wonder it was disaster. Look into it, see if you find yourself wandering the pages of being raised by a delusional mind. Weird as it was, now that there is a name to it- it was easier to realize staying away is the right thing to do. I cant help her mind-if she will not allow help. I was just about broke- emotionally and financially trying to find this womans happy button and as much as I knew as such a young child, i wasnt the adult and a lot of this crap wasnt mine to haul around-but i did exactly that. I just picked up whatever garbage she threw and carted it around for decades. To be blunt- now that I know she is delusional I can be done. I look at it as a diagnosis and someone has refused treatment. Her PCP said she can not be forced nor can she be medicated to help, because she has refused. Instead of getting meds on board, she told her PCP I wanted her drugged and out of the picture. Check for yourself- if this helps, happy to share.
Best to all of us
xo
Good for you! It is better to walk away from pain. No sense in sticking around. Even for those of us who tried and tried. It’s on them. Not us. No one has the power to change anyone else.
It's awful but I keep praying that the burden will be lifted somehow, but it's unlikely until she dies, and it seems wrong to ask for that! A care home is a possibility, as she seems to be losing some cognitive abilities - didn't recall how an answerphone works, for example - but she would hate that even more than living in her own flat, and we would still have to visit and put up with the corrosive negativity and nastiness.
Lately I've been obsessing about how I can get out of this. My mom was diagnosed with dementia a year ago. It made her furious and she refuses to acknowledge any of her issues or help herself in any way. She lives alone next to me, and isn't ready for a care home, which she would refuse anyway. Her plan is to live in her condo and rely on me on her terms only.
I'm devising a plan in my mind. As much as I HATE to confront her, I'm gearing up to have a major talk with her. I'm going to tell her she either starts cooperating with me, or I am washing my hands of this entire situation. I have actually talked to my husband about selling OUR place and getting out of here. It's THAT bad. My mental health can not take YEARS of this, and it's shaping up to look like it will be years. I can't do it.
I feel for everyone who has posted on this thread who found themselves in a similar situation.
I think of where I was three years ago, and I'm a shell of that person. The only good thing is I am finally to the point that I will take action. Last year I just felt paralyzed.
Has this affected your relationships with others? Just curious because I'm also realizing this constant state of negativity and opening of old wounds has made me isolate. I shield my adult son but he's in another state right now so thankfully I don't think he's been affected. But I don't go out much. My husband is probably sick of having a depressed wife. I don't really talk to my friends about this because they all have normal families and I don't want to complain anyway.
I just need things to change.
Keep limiting your contact.
BTW- my mom also acts like an ass in restaurants. She's demanding and always has an attitude with the staff. It's embarrassing. I too stopped going.
I was also interested to read ExhaustedPiper finding that she goes out less now and spends a lot more time at home. I too found this was happening. I felt a prisoner in my own home but often lacked the energy to make the effort and go out. This was due to feeling overwhelmed and anxious, all brought on by years of my mother’s bad behaviour. I knew I needed to tackle this and so I made a long list of things I enjoy doing or feel a sense of achievement doing (some big, some small, some taking 5 minutes, some several days). Whenever I’m feeling low I pick off something on this list and go and do it, regardless of my mother’s latest demands or behaviour. It might just be a coffee outside, or a 10 minute walk, or seeing a friend, but it does help. I also keep telling myself it’s important and OK to put my own needs ahead of the selfish wants of a self-absorbed person. Remember that whatever you do for a person like this will never be enough, so all you will do is make yourself ill. Put your own needs and health first. Remember that you are a nice, good person who deserves a life of their own and you’re not the villain your mother might have spent years brainwashing you into thinking that’s what you are.
My husband’s grandma was the opposite of mine. Mine was a doll. She was a witch. She ruined holidays for everyone, especially her husband. He was sweet. Oh, how everyone wished he had divorced her!
My MIL got screwed twice! Her mom and her MIL were awful. She did have a wonderful grandmother. Her mom’s mom who lived to be just shy of 102 was a sweetheart.
I hope everyone in this situation can find a way to escape it...its like being in prison...without the bars & armed guards. AND...it's our own mothers doing this to us. We probably all need therapy to cope with it. My good thoughts are with all of you.
Well my husband jump started the talk I need to have with my mom. He ran into her in the hallway yesterday on his way to the store and she asked him to pick her up some water. Next thing I know she's texting me asking me to come over for coffee since my husband was gone. I replied - no thanks, I'm busy cleaning.
About 30 mins later she texts me again saying she doesn't know why I am mad and we need to talk.
Then my husband comes in the door. Apparently when he dropped off the water she told him she invited me over for coffee and I "ignored" her. (not true) He then told her "You two need to talk". So that is what prompted her second text.
Initially I was angry with him for making the suggestion, but I had to hear him out and I see why he did it. He sees what I am going through every day and I am constantly telling him about my many frustrations. I've been telling him I need to have a talk with her, and I posted the same thing here yesterday morning. I've just been putting it off over fear of her wrath.
So- I'm going over today. I'm going to cover two things. One is her refusal to discuss her diagnosis in any capacity. Twice I've brought it up wanting to discuss the future and both times she flew into a rage. The other is her refusal to help herself socialize with her peers and her reliance on just me and my husband.
Both of those topics will be difficult to discuss because she hates both topics. But I'm sick to death of ignoring the 9000 lb elephant in the living room. And I'm also sick to death of her hijacking my life instead of trying to carve out one of her own.
I imagine in normal mother/daughter relationships this kind of talk would be easy. Actually it wouldn't even be necessary. But not here. I'm expecting that my mother will get very angry because that is her norm. I told my husband that too, and he said well at least you will know you tried. Then when I say I'm done, I won't feel (as) guilty.
I already have that sick feeling in my stomach. The fact that I physically react to the prospect of ANY conflict with her is also very telling and not normal. The thought of my son feeling physically sick because he has to talk to me is so repulsive it makes me realize how severe the dysfunction is and how I am NOT the person who can be her care giver for the next X number of years.