She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
my adult children can’t stand her either.
i don’t know what to do anymore. I am so stressed and getting fiscally sic from her.
You said things so many others want to, but can’t lol....
Some say move on, protect yourselves but sometimes it’s just not that easy.
I love my mom although these last five years have been hellish.
Do yourself a favor and get some counseling for yourself. Dr Laura Schlessinger would tell you that you have a shitty mother & there’s nothing you can do about it. In fact, she wrote a book called “Bad Childhood-Good Life” for adults who need to say goodbye to that parent once and for all. Counseling will help you to walk away from this narcissistic mother of yours w/your dignity intact. We are called to honor our parents and sometimes that means the best way to do that is to stay away and check in w/her care givers every once in a while to make sure she’s being cared for. The guilt you’re experiencing is an extension of all the purposeful guilt she caused you as a child. Am I right? It’s time for you to become healthy and independent of her toxic personality.
God gave you a beautiful life to live. I pray you would put yourself first and learn how to get free and live your life w/joy. You can do this!!! ❤️🙏
I just have to say that you're NOT alone and you should not feel selfish or guilty. I'd suggest that you get therapy if you DO feel badly about not wanting to associate yourself with a narcissist, regardless of the relationship.
I had a very similar situation. I invited my mother to come and live with us, made all of the arrangements, my mother moved in for two months, then I had to ask her to leave.
During her stay, I would come home from work, everything would be normal, we would chat for a while. On Saturdays / Sundays we would spend the day together, then as the day would wind down and I"d get up to leave the room, my mother would follow me and accuse me of trying to get away from her.
During this time, her place was for sale. She would make the comment that she just wanted to sell her place and "get out of here" meaning my home. She would talk about how her best friend "probably died" because she (my mother) had begun to refuse to accompany this friend to her various doctor appointments. She accused everyone of theft, my niece, my sister, the caregivers. (With my niece and sister, these accusations began long ago).
My brother says this is the beginning of Alzheimers and this could well be, however, my mother has had these very same propensities toward narcissistic behavior for her entire life. My mother excelled at driving wedges between people, wedges that would last a lifetime.
I felt badly, felt like I needed to explain myself to the caregiver service after my mother returned to her home, but after the agency had spent six months servicing my mother, they went through six different care givers, I think they can now appreciate my dilemma.
The guilt was killing me, too, right after all of this transpired, but after some time I realized that it's all just a matter of self preservation and realizing that if someone constantly acts out toward others, then these sort of negative outcomes are to be expected.
Take care anyone going through similar situations. It takes its toll.
Life is tough
My heart goes out to you in so many ways. I guess you either have to be the bigger person or decide that the agony she puts you through is too much and wash your hands of her. I struggle as you do. But one thing I have learned from my mom is how NOT to be and I have vowed that I will never treat MY daughter the same way and that I will cherish my daughter in every way I can, overlooking the “small stuff” and instead focusing on everything that is wonderful about her. I have learned to be as generous as I can be with her (My mom is very tight with her money.... as if she’s going to be taking it with her when she dies), I have learned to compliment my daughter for her accomplishments, and to make sure she notices how much I love her.....In other words, I treat my daughter the way I wish my mom treated me....If you choose to carry on as you are with your mom, I guess all you can do is vow to make sure none of her “rubs off” on you or your kids. Stay strong!
I am so sorry about your situation-I think you should put your children first and not let her ruin any more precious times you have together-Come up with a new plan for holidays so that she can’t ruin your time with your children-they may start avoiding coming over to your house because of mean grandma and that you do not want or deserve
it is so unhealthy to be around such a nasty person -don’t feel guilty!!
know.... my mom has major dementia but is a true blessing to me.... she is pleasant which I am very thankful.... I am very tired most of the time... not complaining as my mom and I have been very close all my life.... I am very thankful and blessed to have found this site... I have been and continue to be well educated by all of you on this site... Thank you and God Bless all of you always....
I so enjoyed lockdown when I didn't have to deal with anything like this...
Why did you bring a toxic mom to your home? I hope her influence on your child has not been very toxic? I know this is the wrong question to ask now, but I was wondering why.
very depressing. Seeing all these comments is sad but at least I’m not alone. But it also makes me think shy so many people who had no business pro-creating gave birth.
My situation is a little different but I can relate. I left today and decided I will not see my dad and sister again. My mother passed away a year ago and my dad has been a harsh, angry, alcoholic since. My sister recently moved in with him and they get drunk together every day. I have taken care of everything financial, bills, settling estate, etc. for my 80 year old dad for the past year (it was necessary as he is not capable) and he now sees me as my mother. He’s projecting all of his anger for her at me. We’ve had what I thought was a close relationship for the past 10 years, but now I’m being bullied because I’m the responsible one who reminds him of my mother? And my manipulative narcissistic sister saw this as an opportunity to drive a wedge between us. He had become progressively more verbally abusive over the last year but I figured that was the grief so I tolerated it, but when he became physically threatening towards me, I had it. As mentioned, I left today, for good. It was such a relief and just one day away is very healing already. I’m just now realizing that man in that house ceased being my father a year ago, and what remains is a monster. As for my sister, she’s always been that way. I hope they are both very happy together. They can drink themselves into oblivion daily for all I care. I’m done, but I know it was the healthiest action to take. I wish you well in your own health, and hope you also find relief and freedom when you remove that toxicity from your life. Trust in your good friends, and leave toxic family behind.
Prayers and blessings to you..