My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

You're not alone. 63 years I've known her, my mother lived her life by "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" and made dang sure everybody was miserable and knew why. Someone mentioned to me in one of my quesitons "F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt)". She had an arsenal of weapons like that plus persecution complex/poor pitiful me but especially honed guilt to a razor edge over the years. And now that she's somewhere between Alzheimer's and dementia, it's the same thing but on steroids.

My dad had a stroke and was in bad shape anyway and is essentially unable to communicate but I can't even visit with him as it turns into all her all the time. (they're sharing a room in a nursing home). I can't call or text asking about him as i get no response other than how badly she's treated.

I can no longer stand to be around her and there's no relationship with her beyond how badly she's treated.

Don't feel guilty. You're not and feeling that way won't help anyone, least of all yourself.

As an aside, she's totally different to the nursing home staff. They just love her and think she's the sweetest thing ever. The staff at this place is awesome beyond words. Both my parents are safe and cared for and beyond that, I really don't have anything left in the tank now.

Roger

Self pity. I forgot that one. That was another of my mother's favorite weapons. self pity, guilt, persecution complex.

Regardless, after over 6 decades and with it being worse now by several orders of magnitude, I'm done.

So, i know exactly what you're feeling. Is she safe? can she hurt herself or anybody else? If the answers are yes and no, you're golden. Don't beat yourself up. Does no good for anybody.

Roger

Same here! If she was anyone else, would you put up with her crap? Just because she was your egg donor does NOT mean you have to tolerate from her what you wouldn't tolerate from anybody else! I don't mean to sound harsh! God bless you and please take care of yourself and your children!

PLEASE do a search on this site, using the word "guilt". And if that excellent advice doesn't help, see a good therapist! Guilt is a waste of energy.

Hi Treading water.
You are not alone, I am currently walking on eggshells with my mother. My mother is mean, mean, mean and is controlling me with her illness. I know she is not well but the paranoia is bringing me down. I cannot even get someone in the home to help because she thinks she is well. I am in need of a break, I want to run out of my own house. I feel like I am her hostage and dealing with the paranoia is bringing me down. My three older siblings are lazy and WILL not take responsibility for some of things they can do. so, I am dealing with this every single hour in the same house. Do not feel guilty, we have to take care of ourselves so we can continue providing the care we need for our mothers. I am in need of respite care and trying to find out what I need to do. I have breast cancer and trying to schedule surgery, maybe I can get my respite in hospital. I'm just afraid to go to the hospital and my mother is at home in the my house alone. Thank you for sharing

May God restore peace when there is none.

Dear Treading water,
Every day I am grateful that my mother is gone. I went thru much hell with her. There were some good spots and I remember those too.
It comes to an end eventually. Bad behavior is not ok, no matter who it's from.
Take Care of yourself and family first
and someday enjoy deep breaths of gratitude guilt free that you no longer have to deal with her.

Noooooo! you are not alone, I'm here. My MIL has absolutely totally dominated my husband's life, then our family for 20 years or more. Fighting her off is extremely demanding and exhausting. She is on the phone, emailing, skyping, every single day, always wanting to know when we will next visit. She always has been a bully like you could never imagine. I started refusing to go out her, as she would bellow across rooms, streets etc. Every year she called days on end, demanding 4 times a year, that we attend her family events. I started refusing because at EVERY one, she would start bawling her demands at me, shouting to tell me off etc etc. My husband stops her, then she starts on him!. We now have rigorous rules in place, that we set ie , no family events, absolutely no going out with her and FIL, visits with strict, timed routine, and out as fast as possible. Every day almost, she is on the phone demanding that we visit. Then she emails, then she calls my mobile, then she demands skyping. I should say that we have made the 3 hour round trip to see her and FIL probably every 3 weeks over the last 20 years. We have stopped her calling us every day almost, for 20+ years, by setting our own routine and calling her 5 times a week. We take every 3rd call (we put the phone on the table, and go out the room, I swear on my life that you can hear her booming, shrieking demands from the next room), then we go back and say 'mmm' and put the phone on the table. She and FIL have twice in the past got the police to call on us, saying we are not answering! FIL is now in hospital, nearing end of life, so it's even worse. There are times when I feel I will have a breakdown. (My husband stopped living with his parents after a breakdown, and has forged his own life). No way do I have the skills needed to deal with an entity such as this. I put her out of my head until it's time to speak to her or visit her.

Such an utter relief to find this forum! People I try to talk to around me cannot understand what this is like when they have never encountered it.. People say to me 'she can't be that bad'. She has had paranoia and undiagnosed serious mental health problems all her life. Her 62 year old son bites his arm in utter and total distress when she is abusing him in public. He and my husband have had this never ending guilt fuelled toxicity all their lives. We visit her and talk to her, but it is mental torture every time. There is never any conversation, just her making relentless demands and us trying to break free. I long for the day.......if you know what i mean. She thinks I am a pathetic, over sensitve flower apparently. Truth is, I know what normal, decent behaviour is. I've never known anyone behave like her, and I'm 60!

lifeontheedge,

This story makes my blood boil for it's the same as my MIL did to my wife who finally stood up to her mom when she witnessed her abused our boys exactly like she had abused her and her sister.

Frankly, my friend, your husband needs to hear clearly that he must deside who he is married to. You or his mom. There is a good book that might help you with this. The title is When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment Paperback March 13, 2007 by Kenneth M. Adams 

As Dr. Adams wrote in his other book, it sounds like your husband has been silently seduced by his mom to be her emotional partner.

Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners.

I've been there and my wife was there.

Someone needs to write a book When she's married to mom because it is the same dynamic.

NoTryDoYoda- interesting. Husband has fought her off for his entire life, and it is incessant. Soo true about him being her emotional partner. I think her husband did not supply any emotional support ever, and given that she has serious mental health issues, it was left to my husband to support her. Seeing the situation like this helps understand it. Several times he and we have broken away from her and the fall out is quite beyond anything anyone would believe! There are absolutely no social, physical, behavioural, emotional barriers whatsoever that will prevent her fighting to the death to get what she wants! She wants and needs her son 100 per cent, and will stop at nothing to get it.

Our home life is loving, warm and peaceful when we are not in touch with her.

lifeontheedge,

I am glad you found this helpful. Is there any way to get him or you two into therapy if he sees his mother as the problem also? There is an emotional dance going on there and she prepped him for the dance. She will never cease to want to dance, but he must dance with you and stop dancing with her. That will be hard to do. If he will not go to therapy with you or on his own, please go for yourself which may, in turn, help him. I found it helpful. Once I started setting up boundaries and not letting her hide behind my pants from her mom, then things started to change.

Are you asking us if it's okay to uninvite her, tolerate her etc? It's up to you. You can choose to stop seeing her all together. If your adult children want to be with grandma, they can go visit her. Just stay out of it.

I know you wrote this lol ng ago but I want you to know I feel your pain and am experiencing the same. I understand the guilt coupled with depression and just plain feeling toxic. It's awful. Take care of you. She has lots of paid company. She's safe. Take care of YOU.

TreadingWater,
Thank you for the bravery of sharing your story! For a minute I thought we had the same mother!!! My mom has dementia, I've been staying at her place and caring for her since the night her neighbors called me and told me she was "wandering" out in front of her apartment building at 1am. My mom and I have never had the typical loving mother-daughter relationship. Nothing I did was ever good enough, she always made me feel less than! Now she needs help, my siblings aren't available, so, tag, I'm "it"!! She has these mean and horrible episodes where she accuses me (or some non-existing thief) of stealing her money, moving her things around (which she does in her "other" mind and then doesn't remember moving them). It has been rough and I'm realizing I can't do this anymore. So it's like a breath of fresh air to read someone else's story and reminds me that I'm not alone. Thank you!

Wow, seems I'm not the only one with a mom like mine. Sorry for us all, but less lonely knowing I'm not the only one. My mom's cat got tangled in a child's soccer goal net earlier today and my brother had to get it freed. Mom said my dog came in and scared it trying to kill it. My dog was in my room with me and neither she, nor my brother's dog barked. Since then, likely due to mom's freaking out, her cat has been in hiding, probably behind the armoire in her room or the one in the livingroom where she feels safe and gets in through openings in the back. Fast forward about 7 hours (sundowning), mom's been hunting throughout the house for said cat. I went in her room to check on her (no good deed) and she starts yelling that her cat is dead, but nowhere in sight, and my dog killed it, so now she's informing me that she is going to kill my dog and me. What joy. I hate to even joke, but sometimes I wish she would so it could just end. Me, not my dog. Not sure I can take much more of her slowly killing me with the venom she's spewed toward me my entire adult life.

Im dealing with both my 93 year old parents who live at home and intend to leave there with toe tags. I’ve been doing the best I can, flying back to the east coast every other month to Help my siblings deal with this soul sucking situation. Right now we live from one health crisis to another. My mother always has been an abusive bully to her kids and her husband. My father always just took what she spewed out of her mouth and let it go. Last month she spewed her verbal vomit on me. It Brought back miserable childhood memories. And now I cannot look at this woman anymore, I am so angry at her. If it wasn’t for my siblings who are in the trenches daily dealing with this, I’d have packed up and left. Might still do it.

THANK YOU! Thank you for writing your honest experience. I have been staying up late searching the internet for someone else who is living something similar. I am having similar challenges with my mother, which are coming to a head with her recent diagnosis of incurable cancer. I am my mother's only child. She has lived alone for years. She has multiple chronic physical health issues that I know make her life challenging so I try to be empathetic. But, she is so hateful to me. Yelling at me, hanging up on me, telling the only friend she has left nasty things about me not helping her, etc., etc. I'm slowly coming to the realization that she likely has an underlying mental illness (borderline personality disorder?) in addition to the cognitive and behavioral issues of aging. She has lived in the same community for 50 years and only has 1 friend left. This fact helped me realize its her, not me. But I still question my perceptions all the time because its been a slow gradual slide from salty, eccentric old lady to dysfunctional, abusive, hoarder and there is no official diagnosis. The worst part for me at the moment is that she is in an untenable living situation (hold up in a falling down house that is unsafe and unsanitary) which she complains endlessly about, but she will lash out viciously if anyone tries to help her or even suggests a resource. Its a total catch 22 and I'm beginning to think she like having the power....the power of creating an impossible situation, tantruming about it and then refusing help while I (and her one friend) run in circles trying to help. Its hopeless but not endless....so we plough on.

I alone am taking care (and live with) my 94 year old nasty, non-stop complaining bitch of a mother. She has been nasty and mean her whole life, with bouts of normal behavior thrown in. But she and her mother were like this from what I am told. There is without a doubt an element of mental illness involved. But now she is sick with a terminal illness and is miserable every single day. She does not even try to be positive in any way. And I am stuck taking care of her and I hate it, and I don't feel one ounce of guilt about it. I have had to take care of her since my father died 3 years ago and it has been absolute hell. Every time I would take her anywhere, she would undoubtedly piss me off and ruin my day. Trying to do anything with her is difficult. She just sucks the life out of me. She does not appreciate anything I do for her or the fact that my life is devoted to her care. She is nasty and complaining yet I am supposed to be happy about it. I do love her deep down, but most days I just cannot stand her. I am tired of cleaning up poop and pee and literally wiping her ass of all the poop stuck to it. She started making noises about 3 months ago, and instead of calling out my name, I hear moaning and groaning and I guess that means, she has to go to the bathroom. It is beyond annoying. I tell other people about it, and they say, yea, I know it's hard, but she probably doesn't feel well. And what about me? I am the live-in maid, aide, and have to put up with a nasty old woman who is acting more like an infant with each passing day. I have passed the burn-out stage months ago.

I think one of the biggest problems is her incontinence. She manages to pee or poop in the bed or on the floor and without a doubt her foot is always rubbed right in it. She came home from hospital and they stupidly didn't take out her Foley catheter. Nurse came and removed it next day. Well, I went to check on her later that night, and there was brown liquid all over the bed pad, all over the sheets, all over her and she has her hand moving around in it and of course her foot. I had to get the bed pad off the bed, get her diaper off, put a towel on the fitted sheet because of the mess, put a new sheet on top and try to clean her up. What an absolute mess. I did laundry with bleach to get it all out. Supposedly it was old blood, that is why it was brown, from the catheter. This is what I deal with. To all those who tell me they know it's hard. No, actually you don't know, because you have never had to deal with it.

HanaLee,

I know what it's like because I've had to deal with it. For a few years I was working full-time for two invalid, incontinent dementia clients.
One crapped and peed all over the place on the way to the bathroom. Then overflow the toilet with paper. It would be flowing all over the floor for me like a geiser of toilet water, piss, and watery crap. Talk about Old Faithful... The other would get on the portable commode next to her bed in the living room, crap her brains out, then tip it over daily right onto the already filthy wall-to-wall carpeting trying to get up from it. I finally just put her in diapers. She was none too pleased, but it was the only way
Then after my paying workday was done I could come home to my mother's sh*t bucket filled brimming with a whole days worth of pee and crap. Then deal with her anxiety flip-outs and fight insitgating until bedtime.
I get you, sister. Believe me I do.
Please consider some in-home caregiving help. Or even putting your mother in a nursing home for a bit of a respite break. Yu do not have to be her caregiver anymore. You don't have to and maybe she's at the point where she needs to be in a facility. She sounds like too much for one person.
Also, stop trying to take her out, or do things with her, or give her things she might enjoy.
Like my mother, yours doesn't want to enjoy anything. She doesn't want any joy or pleasure or even hope in her life.
They only want disappointment, misery, discord, sadness, and resentment.
Stop breaking your own heart over and over again trying to please her or trying to get her to enjoy something. It's not going to happen. You deserve better.
Please for your sake look into some homecare or placement. Good luck.

Hang in there. I so know how you feel.

I truly wish there was more assistance and support for caregivers and adult children living with abusive/ mentally ill/ mentally declining elderly parents. There are so many of us living in silent agony every day at home but there are few opportunities to find each other in our communities and meet in person. Nor are there enough local resources to assist us in helping care/babysit difficult parents.

Hi TreadingWater, this was sent so long ago but it's worth replying to. I feel for you because I am currently feeling the same way about my 88 year old mother, I am 57. I am an only child, I had a miserable upbringing, my parents fought constantly, shouting and throwing things, mainly her. She is truly psychotic and a horror show. Now she is old with dementia. She is rude, nasty and speaks to me like I am a piece of pooh. This is not always but she takes complete offence at everything that comes out of my mouth, if I don't say anything she complains that I am miserable. My best friend, who knows her, told me to walk away permanently and leave her to rot. This is because she witnessed my mother not helping me at all when I had a premature child at 30 weeks, she didn't care at all. I hate here. Sorry, this is cathartic for me I guess

You are not alone, I have both my parents that live in their home with carers at leat twice a day. My farther is lovely, no issues with him, always trying to work with the care providers and a happy disposition despite having cancer and parkinsons.
My mother on the other hand has been nasty and controlling all her life, she is verbaly abusive to my farther and until she became bed bound was on occasions physically violent towards him.

She controls from weakness, crys when challenges to her viewpoint are made.

I have never got on with my mother and being an only child have no sibling support.

Fortunathly, I do not, and have never suffered from depression, but I can sympathise with your situation and fully understand how looking after your mother could bring on bouts of depresson.

My father is 91 and my mother 81 so whilst my father is at end of life my mother could go on like this for ten plus years, and I am sure her nastiness will only grow with advancing years.

Please try and shed that guilt, as carers we only do what we do. I am sure you do all you can in a tricky situation and don't neglect your relationship with your children because of your mother.

No you’re not alone. You’re lucky she’s in a facility. You can now visit as much or as little as you want.

I have an elderly mom that can never behave herself around others--she is rude, makes nasty comments - very much like a toddler. She is also very hateful toward me and only "behaved" somewhat well when my dad was living as he would tell her not to do certain mean things that she did. Now it's full-blown narcisism. I hope you get to have some joy and peace especially during your holidays. Life is too short to be around someone so hateful.

Hi, I am going through the same thing. Luckily, my mom is in great health for 82 but she's the most narcissistic person other than my 3 brothers.
My dad passed away 6 years ago, and since his passing, the mental abuse has gotten worse. My brothers turned against each other, all of them turned against me, and I've been threatened by all 3 and assaulted by one just for trying to help in situations I've been asked to help in.
My mother has always loved my brothers more than me, she's blamed me for all her failures and blames me for my brothers' narcissism.
The only person in my family that ever showed respect for me was my dad, he was my hero.
My mother would take responsibility for all my achievements, and claim had it not been for her, I wouldn't have achieved all the things I've worked hard for my entire life. I never ONCE borrowed money from her, in fact, I've given her more money back when she'd give me money for birthdays and Christmases. I want nothing from her and asked her to remove me from her will because I am deathly scared of my brothers.
They are all gaslighting me and threatening to have me Baker acted for no reason. I've had a career for 32 years and retired, started another career, have owned 2 homes on my own, own a small business and work a 9-5, and never once needed anything from anyone.
Recently, she spent the weekend at my house and I asked her to call when she got home like I always do. It was 45 minutes and she still had not called, she wouldn't answer my calls so I jumped in my car and drove to her house. There was a car in the driveway I did not recognize and the gate was open
I walked toward the gate and called out Mom? I heard a blood curdling scream, and I mean it wasn't a normal scream of being spooked. I yelled out Mom! And there she was with my younger, evil brother that calls himself satan and his friend that he's insulted so many times. She turned around and said " you scared me!" Completely overplayed..I said "you couldn't have called?" ..and i walked to my car and tried to leave. She came up to the car, after she made me out to be the bad guy in front of the boys, and said she didn't have a chance to call. I said whatever as long as you're ok. I get a call later with her screaming at me, telling me she's old enough to take care of herself and why did I have to call her friend and drive over? I said I had to go and hung up. She called back again and asked if I wanted to come over, I said no I have to work early. That night I received a text from my brother's friend telling me that I need therapy and there's something wrong with me because I was worried about my mom.
I know my mother like the back of my hand, she made something as innocent as this into something bigger because she knows my brother hates me and she always has to be the center of a man's attention. He lives off of her and he's always been her little baby that can do no harm. I called her and told her what he and his friend did and she didn't want to hear it again. She lost her mind, screaming at me so I hung up.
There is no winning with a narc mother, she will hate you for all your good and embrace all the bad in the kids she loves. I've decided to walk away. The mental abuse, and sometimes physical abuse when my dad wasn't looking, has been enough for me. I don't have family anymore, I've decided to love myself and stop giving to people that have no use for me unless I'm giving.
It's taken me my entire life to get to where I am emotionally. I've always loved my mom and brothers despite the abuse, but truthfully, I don't like them as people. They are the most narcissistic, gas lighting, inhuman, dark souls I've ever met.
My dad was an angel and even they've talked bad about him.
Walk away, don't let your mother steal everything left in you. My mother has ruined my relationships with boyfriends, friends and family members, all out of jealousy.

I am wondering if I will end up like my mother. Will I be manipulative and abusive? Is it inevitable?

I hear ya! My mother had a years long affair with my dad’s brother. The entire family would have been better if he would’ve divorced her. He recently died. She made it all about HER as expected. He was in hospice care, multiple ailments, and looked like a skeleton with skin and open sores. As he lay there actively dying she put on a show for EVERYONE! “He’s going to be with me another year!” “Why? Why did this have to happen?” He was 86 years old. She’s 83. She called in the hospice nurse early one day because she was convinced I was killing him with the morphine. I’m an RN. She put on her “I’m a sweet little girl” show for the hospice nurse. “He’s going to be alright isn’t he? He’s going to be with me for another year!” I know who she REALLY is. One hour a day EVERYDAY b******g and complaining about anything and everything. I stayed all summer 3 years ago to care for her when she broke her hip. She belittled and demeaned him every chance she got. Basically, she was only “happy” making him miserable.
Now that he’s dead, she will have to have someone to hate on. It’s me. I blocked her, a sister and a stoner brother when I left MY DAD’S house for the final time. She now tells others she hates me, she disowns me (hallelujah!), I’m a drug addict (I showed zero emotion for her stupid manipulative games while dad was actively dying) and I’ve been on an anti-depressant for 13 years.
She has “one beer” everyday on her porch. Magically there will be 3 cans hidden behind the cushions for her “one beer”. She is wickedly cruel behind everyone’s back always stirring up trouble (especially between the four adult children) and then plays ignorant when things blow up. I hate her. I always hoped my dad would outlive her and find a woman who would treat him with kindness.
My dad and I had a special bond. When I came to his house for his final days (to make sure he died a dignified and comfortable death) he asked, “So you think I’m going to die?” I said, “Yes. No one here gets out alive. But I don’t think you’re going to die today!” I asked him, “Are you Ok, Dad?” He replied, “F#*& No!” And we laughed.
I never saw my mother kiss him as many times as she did when he was dying and unresponsive. LOUD kisses on his open mouth. “Don’t leave me! You can’t leave me!” Made me sick. She did everything she could to make him miserable his whole life. Lied about everything. Complained about everything. Nothing he ever gave her was enough. How many times did I hear her say, “I DESERVE (whatever someone else had that was better than what my dad gave her) that!

I really think you have deserved every right to have a peaceful Christmas without your nasty mother there ruining it. Shut that door to the past nastiness she brought. Lock it. I’m now 63. I slammed that door shut and it’s locked. I helped my dad die a pain free death. I watched him going through the transition of the spiritual release and I smiled. I was happy for him. It was beautiful. I’m the only one who stayed up all night long giving him the meds every two hours. I feel good about helping him die peacefully no matter how many doors and drawers my mother would slam when she was awake trying to make him stay awake too.

Be proud of how many years you tolerated her hate and now get rid of it. Hateful people seem to live forever. You earned a peaceful time in your and your children’s lives!

The reason I joined this group is to hopefully realize that I am not alone in my struggles with my mom. I'm so grateful that i now have a space to write out my feelings with people who are empathetic and familiar with the situation. My mom is 87. She has lived with my husband and me since my dad passed away 11 years ago. She has always been a narcissist and I have always been a people pleaser. She has burnt so many bridges with so many people and she doesn't realize it. I try to think that we are in her last chapter and I should be celebrating her life as it nears the end but today Im just ready to get her out of my life for good. Both of my kids have moved out - mostly because of her controlling nature. My husband is an angel and I honestly don't know how he puts up with her. She treats both of us like we are stupid and talks to us like children. We can't call her out on her angry complaining ways or she'll start crying and we'll have to end up apologizing (a therapist would have a field day with me!) to move on. Everything is about her, and if it isn't she's angry and won't speak. I can't go to the grocery store, or a mall without her telling me shes coming with me. If I'm talking to my husband in the kitchen and she's in the other room she accuses us of whispering. We are moving to a new home, and we have to put our dog down sadly today - I think all of the change, all at once is culminating in this most recent bad mood. I am trying to tread extra carefully but I'm afraid I'm at my tipping point. I'd like her to go to a retirement home because I think not only would she have a social life which she doesn't have now - all she has now is candy crush and the news on repeat all day long...I think she may be happier. I broached the topic and we've had a tour and she seems to love it - for other people but not herself she says. I can't go out at night with friends, I've cancelled invitations to weekends away all because I can't leave her alone. I don't think she appreciates all I do for her - I focus all my energy on her all of it - when it should be focused on enjoying this empty nest stage with my husband. I know I can't please her but yet I still try and I know it won't make a difference. She'll still complain about my daughters boyfriend, or my husband, or the weather, or the bumps on the road that hurt her back when shes in the car, or whatever she can find to complain about.
BUT while I can't change her, I don't know how to help myself move forward - I'm burnt out, emotionally drained, exhausted, anxious and stressed out all by the one person who is supposed to love me the most in this world.
funny...well not really but, I've written her obit half a dozen times in preparation of that day...I can't find anything nice to say about her. I can't say she loved her sister - she no longer talks to her, or her grandchildren - other than mine, they don't talk to her.
It's an awful time. You all know what it's like and I'm just grateful to find a place to get some thoughts out of my head and onto this keyboard.

Can you do what I do??!! My Dad passed in Jan. I saw the writing on the walls from having discovered this forum a bit before that. Tell her "change up...we are celebrating the month of December...the holidays vs just making the 24th or 25th..the day." We see my Mom on the 23rd and bring goodies and a meal & we do her tree up beginning of the month... I tell I do not drive the freeways on the holidays and I need peace of mind on the actual day.. I tell her my Kids celebrate with their Dad's side of the family the actual day...and I just want to be alone (stretching the truth) but it worked... We have to place ourselves-our mental & physical health over all. We need to put up the boundaries, no matter how hard. My Mom gives me hell (yesterday was a picnic with her) but I will am not her sacrificial lamb til the end of time. She does not get to dictate all of what she wants. Other peoples feelings matter. My Kids are the same. I will not force them to join me twice a month when I drive the 2 hrs there...and back (same day). I never spend the night. This would set a precedence. I know her too well.. Tell her I have to get back on the grind--work.. I call her every day ..but now I am telling her for my health if she goes to the negative-yelling & cussing (nice) I will sign off. I can't handle the stress... I am 58 and in great health, even though she's trying to kill me.. I told her my heart can't all the negativity and yelling. She told me I was a "wimp" yesterday. Nice.