My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

dear eat-pray-love,

hug!

“I told her my heart can't take all the negativity and yelling. She told me I was a "wimp" yesterday.”

awful.
what she’s doing is, psychological warfare.

she’s waging war against you. hence you can never fully relax. and then she’ll wage another war, and another, and again.

@eat-pray-love

Good for you refusing to play your mother's abusive games.
The games stop when the players stop.
You are the absolute opposite of a "wimp". A wimp will quietly go along with mommy's abuse and obey her every command. You're not doing that and good for you.

i’m thinking about people who are in abusive situations…

part of the problem with a toxic/abusive/narc parent, is that it never stops. and while you’re busy healing from the most recent insult/scream/etc., you get insulted again. you never get a chance to really heal.

what to do while being abused?
sometimes earplugs might work - but there’ll always be a moment, where you must communicate with your abusive parent (unless you totally cut contact), and that’s when you’ll be abused — forever until they die.

i think, sometimes ignoring insults is a good idea. but i don’t think it’s a good idea all the time. sometimes you must stand up against the insults. correct the facts, defend yourself.

it’s damaging to your mind to hear constant insults, and just stay silent.

it would be nice if there’s a great technique against verbal abuse - but in the end, the fact is, all this abuse damages you.

most likely you’ll notice it on your body/face. most likely putting on weight, comfort eating in the middle of this psychological war against you, by your parent.

maybe it helps to understand what’s going on:

it’s a war. they’re psychologically waging war against you.

——
it’s also some sort of competition. the abusive parent is competing against you. very often it’s mother against daughter; and the mother is trying to say that she’s better than her daughter. every insult is an attempt at destroying the daughter’s self-esteem.

——
since it is a war against you, it means there’s a “winner” and “loser”.

if you’re unhappy, all worked up (justifiably) by the insults, angry, getting fat…

your abuser feels like they’re “winning”.

Absolutely Not I completely understand different senerio but same concept what I learned is that my guilt was so unbearable that I some how turned my guilt into loyalty if that makes any sense ? No matter what this person said or did I was always their for them until I decided to allow myself to be happy and be around people who made me want to be a better person I started to believe I deserve too be happy it just started too fall into place I let go and made my peace with myself no excuses no explanation when your done your done the loyalty is too your self no one else keep that in mind always the best too you

bundle - "part of the problem with a toxic/abusive/narc parent, is that it never stops. and while you’re busy healing from the most recent insult/scream/etc., you get insulted again. you never get a chance to really heal."

That was my experience, If you can achieve detachment with compassion, the harm is lessened. To continue, I needed much distance - emotional and geographical - for healing, and to remove myself from the abuse asap when I was, by necessity, closer. Hence staying in hotels and visiting infrequently. There was a point when I didn't answer any phone calls as all of them were very abusive. Mother was being well cared for by others and if there had been an emergency I trusted the staff to contact me. Many of her "crises" were self induced.

Healing is coming now as mother passed a few years ago (age 106) and I cut contact with my sister (similar to mother and they worked the abuse together) once the estate business, totally handed by mother's lawyer by my direction as executrix, was finished. I am 85 now and finally free from the toxicity. I have questioned myself if it was wise and kind to me to stay in contact, be POA and executrix. It wasn't. The overriding factor for me was that my sister would have taken over mother's care if I had removed myself, and I would not have wanted my worst enemy to have that experience. She had clearly demonstrated that she was interested in mother's money, not her welfare. I didn't care about the money but I did care for mother as another human being, if nothing else.

Lifetime relationships with abusive people cause much harm. Healing takes work, support, and time in a safe environment.

dear golden,

hug!!! i totally understand you.

i wish you to totally heal — i wish us all to totally heal. we deserve it.

you’re very kind - and of course because you’re very kind, you never abandoned your mother (even though she was abusive).

many years of abuse/toxicity by both your mother (106!!) and sister.

——
i only realized in 2020 (after my brother said something to me), that he’s identical to my abusive mother. (i thought he was a bit better).

i have 3 brothers: all toxic/abusive.

“To continue, I needed much distance - emotional and geographical - for healing, and to remove myself from the abuse asap when I was, by necessity, closer.”

i totally understand. in fact, i normally live somewhere else (not on purpose; not to get away; but because that’s where i live). i’m currently visiting, helping - out of necessity. i can do many things from a distance, but certain problems really must be done with me physically here.

“I am 85 now and finally free from the toxicity.”

THANK GOODNESS you’re free. awful you were forced to wait many years, till liberation.

you know, the more i think about it, the more it REALLY is liberation. what these abusive mothers are doing to us is WAR.

psychological war. and just like in war, you (golden), experienced LIBERATION.

that also means that i’m still in the middle of being attacked, by my mother waging war against me.

“Lifetime relationships with abusive people cause much harm. Healing takes work, support, and time in a safe environment.”

totally agree, and as we’re both saying, one hurt/abuse gets piled onto the last hurt/abuse. when can one heal?

i wish us to heal.
one thing i should do, is have a clear image in my mind of what a healed-me looks like. then i know if i’m approaching the goal.

some of us don’t even realize how damaged we are by years of abuse: we know of course, that it’s affected us. but we might not realize the full extent.

i wish us all to achieve FULL healing, asap. time is of the essence.

please don’t listen to all the brain-washing from the psychological warfare. you’re/we’re the opposite of what they say/said.

hug!!

bundle of joy (normally i really am)

dear abused people on this forum, in particular daughters (because 99.999999% of abused adult children are female),

so…
dear abused daughters,

please don’t listen to all the garbage, lies, brainwashing, psychological warfare against you. you’re the opposite of what they say/said to you.

Here's the researched facts.

U.S. Child Abuse Statistics

Child abuse statistics on the approximately 1.8 million reports of child abuse investigated by Child Protective Services in fiscal year 2010 include:

436,321 child abuse reports were substantiated

24,976 child abuse reports were likely true but could not be proven under the law (indicated)

1,262,188 child abuse reports were found to be unsubstantiated (not provable under the law)

Approximately 60% of the child abuse reports were made by professionals, while 9% were reported anonymously and parents reported only 6.8%.

Child Abuse Facts: Who Was Abused

Children of all ages and backgrounds are abused in the United States every year.

Approximately 9.2 children out of 1000 were found to be abused in fiscal year 2010 (some of those children being abused more than once within that year).

Other child abuse statistics include:

Victims less than one year old had the greatest rate of child abuse with more than 2% of children being victims of child abuse

Girls were victimized slightly more often than boys at 51.2%

88% of victims were of ethnicity:

African-America – 21.9%

Hispanic – 21.4%

White – 44.8%

It is a jaw-dropping child abuse fact that approximately 1560 children died of abuse or neglect in the United States that year.

As in previous years, most children suffered from neglect. Statistics on the type of child abuse include:

Approximately 78% of child abuse victims suffered child neglect

Approximately 18% of child abuse victims suffered childhood physical abuse

Approximately 9% of child abuse victims suffered childhood sexual abuse

Child Abuse Statistics on Child Abusers

Child abuse statistics show that there were 510,824 child abuse perpetrators in fiscal year 2010 and a significant number of them committed more than one act of child abuse. Statistics on perpetrators of child abuse include:

Parents were responsible for more than 80% of child abuse and neglect cases

Other family members were responsible for 6.1% of the child abuse

Women are the perpetrators of child abuse more frequently than men at 53.6%

36.3% of perpetrators of child abuse were between the ages of 20 and 29

More than 80% of perpetrators of child abuse were between the ages of 20 and 49

APA Reference
Tracy, N. (2021, December 17). Child Abuse Statistics and Facts, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2022, September 19 from www dot healthyplace.com/abuse/child-abuse-information/child-abuse-statistics-and-facts.

The unknown is the real number of male victims of abuse since that tends to be greatly under-reported and often not believed to be true.

I agree with BOJ.
”99.999999% of abused adult children are female”

The comment isn’t about who was abused as a child. The comment is about current abuse by the elderly parent.

The fact is that out of those adult children caring for their elderly parent - the ones who are abused by their elderly parent - are definitely mostly daughters.

Sons are sometimes abused by their elderly parent, but it’s rare. For example, much more commonly the mother is very grateful for her son’s help; on the contrary, the mother uses her helping daughter as a whipping post, lashing out her frustrations on her daughter.

I’m a man. I care for my uncle. He’s a nice man. I’m lucky to never be abused.

I have many female friends who are treated horribly by their elderly mothers, or MILs. My female friends are getting abused by the same people they so kindly help. It is almost always the mother against her helping daughter.

you are not alone.
i never dwelled on my mothers relentless bullying of us all because it never seemed to have any value. I left home as soon as i could but she made it very hard to.
After my dad died, i assumed my mother at least understood that we needed to stick together and comfort each other. .. that its a life-changing moment for people when their parent dies .. but no .. if anything she doubled down! she got angry and even made fun of me if i tried to do anything to help me or to help her (she's never done anything for herself so it not like i'm messing anything up).
I was very shocked and subsequently got some sort of ptsd from my mother doing anything she could to hurt me as i tried to grieve.
i never believed evil was a thing until i realised how obsessed with abusing me my mother is. demonic is the only word i can give for her behaviour.

no child wants to believe their parent doesn't love them, and parents very easily get away with appalling abusive behaviour for decades without consequence.
i still can't understand how my mother is SO horrible .. i dont understand why anyone would want to be so horrible for their entire adult life.

society has a very important role to play in making plain what emotional child abuse is. There is a persistent minority of parents across all backgrounds who aren't caring for their children
The mental health and competence of parents are not a personal matter i'm afraid .. just like the mental health and competence of a teacher or a doctor needs to be assessed and reviewed regularly.

dear witsend,

hug!!
you said:
…“demonic”
…“i never believed evil was a thing until i realised how obsessed with abusing me my mother is”
…“i dont understand why anyone would want to be so horrible for their entire adult life.”

——
unfortunately, i understand you. unfortunately = because it means i also have an abusive elderly LO.

“but no .. if anything she doubled down!”

terrible. some people indeed behave even worse when the spouse dies.

“i still can't understand how my mother is SO horrible”

i empathize. i’m shocked too, by how i’m treated.

remember:
they feel good when you feel bad.
indeed, the more destroyed your life is, the happier they are.

my mother is jealous. i bet your mother is jealous of you too.

imagine a life free from abuse. then reach that goal. somehow. otherwise it’ll be another year of abuse, and another, and…

At times, the human condition is very demonic as it feeds on killing, stealing and destroying both the possessed and those touched by the possessed.

There are places which I call "the gates of hell on earth." These are found in unlikely places and likely places.

The challenge is to seek freedom, damm the torpedo's and take no prisoners on your way out. It's not as easy as slip out the back Jack, but it can be done and is done, more often than not with help.

When I was in high school, my mother told me that she wished I had never been born. Flash forward to my mom at 88, and she still acts like she wishes I was never born. If anything, she's worse. Tonight she called me a bastard because I handed her the paperwork that I printed out for her from her financial group and tried to show her where to sign. When I tried to talk to her about calling me names again, she said, "Well, I was angry." I then found myself in another draining conversation about how horrible I am because I don't do anything for her. When I told her that I brought up a warm pastry to her just that morning and that I had agreed to drive her the next day to get more incontinence underwear, she said that the roll didn't "excuse" everything else that I had done or hadn't done that day. Nothing is ever enough and when I tell her that one of her comments has hurt me or I try to set boundaries, she flings something else at me. Today, she said, "Well who else calls you names?" I assumed she was talking about my abusive ex-husband, but she was talking about a niece who was nasty to me recently. This is despite the fact that my mother 100% agreed with me just the other day that the niece was rude without cause. My mother told me today,, "Well did you ever consider there's something wrong with you?" She wants me to believe that she is justified in calling me names. Because others have treated me this way, it must be me. I must deserve it. I would say that yes there is something wrong with me. I had a mother who was emotionally abusive to me when I was a child and so when my husband told me I was useless and unloved by everyone, I believed it - for a time. And now as I try to protect myself from continuing abuse, I realize that I may never get past the scars that have never, and will probably never heal. So no, I don't think you should feel guilty. Save yourself.

Hi Justsurviving!

You wrote: "Well did you ever consider there's something wrong with you?"

Abusers always blame the victim.

You won’t get empathy from the abuser. You’ll get empathy from friends.

“And now as I try to protect myself from continuing abuse, I realize that I may never get past the scars that have never, and will probably never heal.”

You’ll heal. Do everything you can, to heal.

@Justsurviving

The next time your mother calls you a b*****d or starts up with any verbal abuse or insitgating please tell her the following:

'Shut the hell up. If you want me to help you, then you damn well better learn how to control your mouth, or I will abandon you and the state will take over. Good luck in the crappy nursing home they dump you in'.

I'm pretty sure this will shut her up. If it doesn't stop doing for her.

Then walk away. Ignore her. Don't take her calls and don't help her. Let her fend for herself. There's nothing wrong with you. Your mother like mine is a master at gaslighting and that is abuse.
The paperwork you did for her should have been torn up in pieces then thrown in her face then you walk away. That's what she'd get from me. Believe me, she'll learn to curb her abuse because she can't manage without your help.
Ignore her though. She wants attention and a fight. Don't engage with her and don't give her the attention she craves. In fact, don't give her any attention at all.
My mother pulls crap like this all the time. There was a reason why I didn't speak to her for six years and did not have her at my wedding when I married my second husband. She did try to make some genuine amends and I gave her a chance, but old habits die hard.

Your mother's half-baked excuse of 'I was angry' is unacceptable. It is not an apology and you should not treat it as one. She will never apologize. Abusers never do, but they can learn to keep their abuse in check. You will never be able to discuss any ways that she's hurt you because all abusers live in denial. Either they believe they are the one being abused, or the person they abuse has it coming because they drive them to it. There's no reasoning with that, so don't even try.
Honestly, if I were you I'd take a step back. Stop helping her for a while. Don't bring her anything and don't do anything for her other than the basics. Don't even do that if you can get a hired caregiver to come and do it. If she decides to get "stubborn" and not accept the hired help, tell her she can starve then. Good luck to you.

I know it is hard taking care of the person that you never had a good relationship with you never hear people talk about a bad mother or father only how blessed you are to still have them, but we know that is not always the case. You have to focus on you and the reason you stepped up to the plate. My mother refuses to acknowledge that I am her daughter and she is in my house but she remembers everyone else we have the same conversation everyday of who I am and why she is here. You have to get past what is not there and never will be and focus on your feelings to not having bad thoughts that only hurt you and make you sad find something that you can do to feel good for yourself. Believe me you are not alone and you are not selfish, let go of your guilt your feelings are there for a reason, talk to your children and tell them the truth my children have been so understanding but tell them to go with their own feeling for your mother and not use your experience. I use to tell my brothers that nothing says you have to like your parents but deep in your heart you still love them. Try to take it a step at a time and dont spend time listening to negative talk take back your headspace and be peaceful within yourself good days and bad days make them yours.

Familiar but my story has a different twist. I am the oldest of five girls. I am currently in my late 60s. It seems I have spent my entire life seeking my mother's approval and being criticized for every little thing I do or say. Let me interject here and say that my wonderful husband of 41 years has been able to see the treatment I receive up close and personal because my mom, well she lives two doors down from us. She lives independently but we do alot for her that she is no longer able to handle. And we are glad to help. It's just that I cannot be part of a conversation, have an opinion or even make a joke without her attacking me. My whole life I have been a straight arrow and grew into an accomplished woman. I worked for 43 years, have a wonderful husband, raised a wonderful daughter. But somehow in the eyes of my mother, "I need fixing". In my whole life I never heard an encouraging word or 'atta boy'. But it seems as the years have passed, I can't do anything or say anything that will not result in confrontation. I have tried the gray rock techniques but she will needle me and needle me then just sigh out loud in disgust. She raised five daughters and I say kudos to that accomplishment! We had a very nice childhood. But somehow I always longed for the kind of mom that I would want to visit and take to lunch and hug. I dread any time spent alone with her for too long a period and have always tried to arrange that my hubby or a sister who lives not far from here will be part of any outing. When I walk down to see her it's stressful for me even when things on the surface stay calm. I have to measure every word and keep it light. I've had a lot of health issues myself the last several years but those are not important to her. She never asks about my doctor visits or how I am feeling. It's always about the middle sister who estranged herself for years. Your sister this, your sister that. And frankly she did nothing but hurt my parents her whole life. I know there is something really Freudian about this. I totally get that and I'm fine with it. Two of my sisters live out of state and are removed from the day to day. I totally understand about the whole birth order thing. My mom though is a true master of manipulation with all of us. She loves stirring the pot! And the sad thing is, I don't think she even realizes she is doing it. Whether it's being the oldest and the closest or a combination of the two, somehow I feel judged. Just once in my whole freaking life I would love to hear how are you feeling? How are you doing? Oh that's wonderful so happy for you. Just something. I believe in her own way she loves me. But I've never really felt it. Like others who have posted similar issues, I too alternate between anger and guilt. My husband totally gets what is going on and feels my pain. He said I have to let go of all my feelings and emotions and just shrug it off. It's so hard.

dear sadandseeking,

huggg.
i wish you to be happy.
happyandfound

not sadandseeking

——
i quote you:
“And the sad thing is, I don't think she even realizes she is doing it.”

nooo.
your mother knows exactly what she’s doing, and she can turn it off/on whenever she likes. she chose you as her target.

why?
because it feels good for her.

it doesn’t matter how many wonderful things you do — she will CRITICIZE you.

she’ll never stop.
she knows very well it makes you feel bad. that’s her goal.

you feeling bad = her feeling good.

it’s reverse empathy.

——
she will continue to try to destroy you + your peace of mind.

——
why?
again:
because it makes her feel good.

it makes her feel good that you:
—suffer because she doesn’t ask how you are
—suffer because she doesn’t encourage you
—suffer because she ALWAYS CRITICIZES AND ATTACKS YOU.
—etc.

please break free.
read about narcissistic mothers.

read about mothers who are jealous of their daughter.

you have several sisters.
you’re the sweetest, kindest, most accomplished.

she targets you.

you’re good.
abuse is evil.

it’s evil trying to destroy good.

evil against good.
if you had been a nasty person, she wouldn’t bother attacking you.

there’s kindness, goodness in you. hence, she wants you to suffer.

break free.

IT WILL NEVER STOP.

You are NOT alone. I can relate to your story in so many ways.

I can identify. My mother is a very difficult woman. I love her because she is my mom, but I really don’t like my mom.

So been there !! Have regretted letting my mom control me and the impact it had on my marriage and children . It’s hard but you have to set boundaries . You are not selfish . And your mother is not reasonable . Have your holiday without her . You should not force your children to be subjected to your toxic mother . You will regret it after she dies. I did . Tell your mother you are going away on a trip for the holiday . Or you tell your mother the holiday is canceled because you are sick . If you want to continue visiting your mother , do so for limited amount of time . I would pop in once or twice a week for 1/2-1 hour at random times basically to keep the staff on their toes , to make sure Mom was taken care of . That’s it .

its wonderful that you continued to go and see her despite how awful she made you, and later your family feel. but enough is enough. and if that is how your feeling as well, then it's time to end that relationship. if possible, tell her why you're not coming back. I'm sure you will feel much better after you make decision.

I taught my children that the biggest bully in school usually had the saddest life. This woman gave birth to you and raised you apparently. I'm not sure if you had a dad around or not, but MY mom was like this too. I ended up caring for my mom for two years before she passed away. I can only tell you, my mom is gone now and if I could turn back time, Id gets to the reason my mom felt the way she did. Why she pushed us away and hurt us? I realized she too was hurt. She pushed yet she wanted us to push back because as tough as she acted, inside deep, she should have been my child. My mom hurt me a lot, but all in all. I miss her deeply and know I could have figured her out and this would have helped the entire family. Remember when grandma's not there, the kids are still learning a lesson. One thing you do not want is more regret. Before you make this decision, please find out your mom's growing up history. The more you know, the easier.

I don't know why this old post popped up today when I was going through some articles on AgingCare.com. I'm sitting here crying because my brother is currently in the hospital fighting for his life.

I was also abused by a crazy alcoholic mother. Unfortunately, most Al-Anon meetings in my area are currently online because of the pandemic and never fully resumed in person meetings. The ones in my area are long gone.

I remember lying awake in my bed at night listening to the rantings and ravings of a spiritually tortured woman who eventually turned on me. I spent the majority of my youth scared out of my wits. I suffered from dizzy spells, stomach trouble, IBS, depression, and you name it. I had a severely disabled younger sister. One thing about evil and dependent personalities is that they stifle the life out everyone around them and make hostages out of the scapegoated children.
Mom died eventually and never got any type of help for her issues. Instead she took her nasty behavior on her husband and kids. When dad got to the point he couldn't take it anymore, he left. I was the one sacrificed to finish up everything after mom died. I got my younger sister placed in a group home. She finally had some semblance of life before she passed in 2015. She got to take trips, got baptized in church, go to school and have a life in a beautiful group home setting. I finally left home and managed to get my own place.

I got the you are not good enough treatment as well. I still get triggered by clients when they act overly entitled and treat me like a fourth class citizen. I don't know how to stop attracting these types of people around me.

Scampie,

So sorry that your brother is in the hospital . I hope and pray he will be alright .
Many of us scapegoats end up as caregivers and/or working in healthcare, social work , or other service industries . We are groomed for it.
We attract bullies , somehow they sense our sensitivities . I don’t have advice on how to not attract these people. (((hugs)))

Don’t feel guilty one bit! If she cannot behave see her separately before or after the holidays for a set amount of time at the care facility. She’s a toxic person and her bad behavior should not be rewarded…

My mother is the same way ! She has as far back into my childhood that I can remember been the most hateful person I have ever known. She was bipolar and schizophrenic
and had no filter on her mouth. She has no shame in anything she says or does !! She had 2 daughters and 6 sons. She treated me and my sister horribly. Yet gave praise to her boys and they saw nothing wrong with the way she treated my sister and I. My sister left home at the age of 14. She was pregnant and my dad ( a wonderful loving man ) signed for her to marry the babies daddy. My sister never spoke or had anything to do with our mother after leaving.
I do not blame her at all. My dad left my mom shortly after my sister left he could no longer tolerate her hateful and pathetic attitude and her physical abuse. So needless to say that left me to endure all her verbal and physical abuse. And she managed to make me feel sorry for her and think it was all my dads fault that she acted the way she did. She never worked a day in her life and drew welfare check that barely gave us a place to sleep. So at the age of 15 I went to work to help with a place to stay while her boys stayed in jails or prison. She would rake and scrape money up to send to them not caring about me having to walk to work and school and most days Hungry if my aunts didn’t feed me on that day. I managed to finish a college course and went to work at the hospital as a nurse at the age of 20 I felt obligated to make a living for her The boys all in their 30’s ended up getting married and straightening up and had happy lives and family of their own except the youngest one he still lived with my mother and I. Me the only one working struggling to keep a place to live and neither one of them cared. She continued with her manipulation and guilt tripping and evil , hateful attitude. And I continued to feel sorry for her. She has done some most horrible ungodly things to me through out my life I had every reason I should have hated her and left and never looked back but again I felt bad about her being homeless if I left.
I am now 63 and still providing for her and my brother. I have managed to marry a great man and have a beautiful daughter granddaughter
He does not like my mother because of the way she does me and him. But he tolerates her. She has had a stroke and now Alzheimer’s on top of that and her mean Hatefulness and ungrateful attitude is out of this world. She thinks it’s my obligation to do for her I owe her because she is the mother. She doesn’t appreciate anything. I am to the point to where the sound of her voice is nauseating to me and sends chills through out my body to hear her. I hate waking up knowing I will get up and walk into the living room and she will be the first thing I see and I hate facing the day with her.
she thinks I am to wait on her hand and foot and she is to sit and cuss me all day for not doing enough for her. I am growing to have hatred in my heart for her and wondering how much longer God is going to allow me to endure her evil Hateful and uncaring self. She is 90 y/o and still going strong. She does anything and everything to hurt and humiliate me on a daily basis. She doesn’t want anyone to have anything to do with me at all !! If I have friends over she will make sure she hurts their feelings to where they never want to come back. She makes sure I have no spare time for my husband. I have to hire someone to stay at my house 6 days out of a year (during Thanksgiving) so My husband and I can visit his mother who lives 21 hours away from us. And then she burns my phone up the whole time I am away. I have just recently got to the point of blocking calls from her when I am gone. I am literally mentally , emotionally and physically exhausted. I do not want to be around her anymore at all. I feel like she has always known what she was doing and that was to destroy everything in life for me she made sure I had no happiness in my life at all.

Are you my sister? J/k my mom does not suffer from dementia and still acts the same way. I am 58 and she still expects me 2 report to her all of my actions. She lives alone and it's a 3-5 hour drive (depending on time of year and time of day). She is always complaining that I don't visit her often enough. When I do visit, all I ever hear is how great everyone else is to her, especially my sister. (My sister is single, lives closer, and is in a position at her job where she can make her own schedule pretty much.) She is constantly putting me on the defense and making me justify my actions. (Why didn't I invite her to join my husband and my 2 boys [with their wife and g/f] on my vacation) She has 2 dogs that she refuses to leave in a kennel for trips and (because of a medical condition) she has bouts of diarrhea which causes her to need a bathroom asap, often leading to accidents (especially while driving long distances)
When my dad was in the hospital (on his death bed) she waited 5 days to tell me.Then told the nursing staff how I was selfish and ungrateful because I didn't come visit often. When I finally got the news, I drove the 5 hours to see him, only to have the nurse scorn me for not being there sooner. My husband ripped into her, she then reported that to my mother who called my house before I could get back home and left a message on my voice mail saying that she no longer had 2 daughters, she only had 1 and "that's NOT you!" My 15 year old (he'snow 33)son heard the message and wants nothing more to do with her. (He hasn't seen or spoken to her since.) She blames me for this, saying I poisoned him against her.
She has stated to me that since I am married and have children and my sister is alone (divorced) that she doesn't need to focus on me. When my sister and I are visiting her at the same time, she does on my sister and pretty much ignores me. She guilt me into coming down to celebrate my sister's birthday (mom bakes a special cake and takes her out to dinner (I pay) yet does not even text me to say happy birthday. In fact, on my birthday this year she texted me to ask when my D-I-Ls birthday is.
My mom was diagnosed with cancerous tumors about 10 yrs (she has them removed via surgery) and she over-exagerates what the Dr says or just makes things up to make it sound worse. (My aunt goes with her to Dr appts so that we get accurate reports) Mom now claims cancer is in her bones which my aunt reports the Dr did not say.
I really do not feel like dealing with moms over dramatic, often over-exaggerated problems. Am I being an ungrateful "child" for not wanting to respond to her "woe is me" texts?

I have one of these mothers. No matter what happens in my life, it eventually becomes all about her. My childhood was rough because my sisters and I never knew what was going to set her off into one of her abusive hissy fits. They were beyond awful.

Going back and examining how difficult living in that house frequently was back then, I constantly go back to why I put up with this and continued to live at home. I was 21, engaged and my husband and I bought a house before we were married. I could have moved out and chose not to. I don't understand the person I was back then. I could have had a better life if I left when I started working.

Maybe it is sort of like Stockholm Syndrome. I don't know. I was so damn afraid of her. But it is bothering me more now than it ever did that I didn't move out when I could have.

House, (((Hug)))

“But it is bothering me more now than it ever did that I didn't move out when I could have.”

There were advantages to staying in the house. Our minds are always automatically calculating advantages/disadvantages (cost-benefit-analysis), then we make a decision.

We hardly ever make random decisions. Just toss a coin and let the coin decide. There were some benefits for you to stay in that house, that’s why you stayed and that’s OK.

Hindsight vision is different: looking back we KNOW the cost/benefit to a decision. We know if the costs outweighed the benefits.

Anyway, you never know: maybe if you had moved out sooner, something much worse would have happened. We just don’t know.

You made the best decision then, with what you knew.

🐻🐻🐻
The fact is:
Your mom should never have abused you. Many mothers abuse their daughters. So extremely jealous of their daughters. They’ll never admit it. They might have to admit it to God one day.