She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
anonlychild - sounds like you are getting there - it is a ongoing work I find.
Yeah zoo -101 and, physically, going strong. Guilt is a hard one, but you can get past it. We all are on the road to recovery. Just keep going in the right direction.
((((((hugs)))))))) keep on keepin' on
Londonblonde8 I'm so sorry that your mother dare say what she did about you! My fathers mother told him the same thing when my fathers only brother died in a plane crash in WWII that old bat said she wished it had been my dad, screwed him up even worse. Londonblonde8 sounds like you were able to turn your life around. Anger is a great motivator if it's not turned inward. Some people turn the anger and hatred they get from a parent inward it becomes shame based believing for to many years they were the problem. Unless they get help like my dad never got help he couldn't he will live with this self hatred for the rest of his life. Your right there are no victim's only volunteer's. It's a double edge sword trying to sort this out in my life. Even Freud said that he felt he would finally have freedom once his father and mother passed. But when they did oddly enough he wrote he didn't have the freedom he hoped. So how much did Freud really get out of his research, when he too couldn't heal his own childhood wounds. It's a personal journey, we all have to decide when enough is enough. Some folks can walk away I make no judgment call on anyone who can walk away, cause I sure wish I could with out the guilt. But the guilt would eat me alive. So I proceed, I'm making progress however I have a lonnnnnggggg way to go, but I'm on the path to recovery. Part on my journey has been the wonderful people I've found here on this site. They don't judge me, we use humor they get it because we all share the same commend denominator and we're not afraid to talk about! Thank you all for being here ...LOVE... and HUGS....
My two siblings have spent most of her old age on other continents, or in godforsaken places like Barstow, CA. Coincidence? I think not. Since she came to live in an "independent living" facility in my city 2 1/2 years ago, she has
--fallen and had to have a shoulder replaced, with a week in the hospital and 8 weeks of rehab'
--fallen on her bottom and had four different compression fractures of four different vertebrae, with surgery and 8 weeks of rehab;
--had 9 documented falls since she returned from rehab in mid-November (today is January 7)
--also during that time period, one fall resulted in a fractured metatarsal bone and so she's wearing a support that adds one inch to the leg that already made her walk lopsided.
--we spent New Years Eve Day --the whole darn day--in the ER after a fall that appears to have collapsed yet another vertebra.
--Today we spent one-half day for the follow-up visits required for the ER episode; she got fitted for a new brace that we know she'll never tolerate...and then we'll spend another half day getting an MRI on Thursday, and next week we have (so far) two doctor's visits.
Independent living my arse! My daughter said she thought they should re-instate Hurling Day, where troublesome people and animals were sent to their death from a high altar. (I think she is making this up....but it sounds like a good idea).
Thanksgiving she did not remember that I had children, much less grown, married, and pregnant ones who were visiting and she remembered the three little ones' names 6 mos ago. ((*I did protect them from her until she was incapacitated a year ago*)). Today she called to ask if her mother and daddy were dead (1981, 1966), why weren't they answering their phone? I lied and said that her Mother was coming to get her later, just to have a cup of coffee and wait.
This is a woman I really can't stand. It's not fun to interact with her, I have no desire to see her suffer emotionally if I were to tell the truth, and this stuff drags up memories of her abusing me (her Mother took care of me from 18 mos to 7 years and tried to protect me from the wicked witch she knew her daughter was, but then Mother got Alzheimer's and mthr locked her & me up together in the neighboring apt of our duplex among her nicer heinous acts). She obviously does not remember that, but that does not mean it's not staying in my head.
How much longer until I am free again and she does not know me, not just the children? when will she lose the ability to recognize numbers and get the staff to call? They have been told not to let her call, but then she thinks something terrible has happened to Mother, and she calls ME, not "home"!! I'm tired of answering questions about things that happened 30 years before I was born!
BTW, Hospice believed she was eligible for palliative care, but not one doctor after her cancer surgery last year has put dementia in her diagnosis. They sent out a Nurse Practitioner, who some how could not recognize that she had dementia, even though she was talking about her college buddies writing her (last year when she was with cancer) and going to visit (complete narcissistic lie). What the nurse missed was that Queen her cook was going to fix them a party. Queen's been dead since 1979.
AARRRGH!
I moved nearly 2,000 miles away the minute I got out of college, and have only been back a handful of times. Now she's a mile away, but I still control my boundaries.
Those of us in this situation must get therapy. It is a real sanity saver - no pun intended. I learned to re-evaluate my priorities and cast off that heavy concrete cape of guilt. Having her live with me for nearly a month really made that crystal clear.
Every day, I give myself permission to do these things:
- Put my husband and children first and do what they need, as they are my support system and the family's future. When I fail to put these guys first, this is the only time when I feel guilty.
- Do what I need to, to ensure we can take care of ourselves. I work full time in a professional career, and it's a big part of who I am. The paycheck is mandatory.
- Take care of myself, which includes NOT doing certain things, like being a door mat.
- I am allowed to do what is possible for me. Not what is supposed to be possible by TV daughters in TV families, or what is possible for other people in different situations. I am not omnipotent, and it all just is not possible at the same time.
- I am allowed to have boundaries and say no. My mother said No to me more times than I can count as part of growing up, and the same word is necessary as she ages for a lot of the same reasons!
- I am allowed to be an adult. I do not need to take that subservient, compliant, calculating and adjusting child's position any more. Her feelings are her problem. I am grown with obligations and am not "on call". I am not responsible for her happiness or any other feeling. I *am* responsible for her safety and that is all.
It has taken me a lifetime of work to get to the point where I don't feel responsible for how her day went, or trying to be a certain way to keep her from being upset with me, or denying my real "truth" just to make sure she doesn't fly off the handle and make us all pay hell.
My therapist helped me understand I can let myself out of jail. And I'm not going back in there.
I wish that everyone here could connect with a good therapist to help clear things up and set matters straight.
I also think "if my kids do this to me when I'm old, will I be OK with it". And that's how I try to gauge my choices now. I don't intend to be an emotional sink-hole or manipulator or hateful obligation who controls them. I want them to live their lives and be happy. I will have had my turn by then.
I have vowed not to call my mother in the NH, maybe go to see her no more than once a week and concentrate on rebuilding my life. Lifting out of my deep depression, this morning I'm taking my dogs to the dog park to meet up with friends and this afternoon I'll do some gardening. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I've got a way to go yet but I won't give in. You can't put a price on freedom and peace of mind.
As she could no longer manage alone - she has Parkinsons, has had strokes and unknown to me until last year, has had dementia for a number of years - four years ago I gave up my home and career and moved 200km to live in her gloomy cold basement to care for her. I couldn't go anywhere without getting a tirade over something or nothing on my return. The only saving grace was when she could no longer get down the stairs to come after me. My life consisted of cooking, cleaning, waiting on her and being verbally abused at every turn, when I wasn't racing her to hospitals due to increasing falls and injuries. Last September she had a really bad fall at 2.a.m. and was in hospital. It was clear that she needed 24 hour care. I looked at a number of nursing homes and, planning to move into the country, found a lovely one in a small village (she went there in October), bought a wee cottage on 2 acres not far away and moved in after Christmas. In January I broke my toe and for the next 3 months spent all my time running back to the city house to get it cleared and renovated (she never spent a penny on it and it was cosmetically rough) ready for sale. To start with she liked the nursing home but she quickly showed her true colours, being mean, demanding, manipulative and nasty to the staff and other residents and playing people off against each other. I'm all she has and she has no friends - drove away the very few she had over the years.
She's now refusing to eat much because "the food isn't to my liking". I've offered to take her something she'd like but she says she doesn't want it. I've taken her a little fruit which she always loved but she throws it out and screams at me never to bring it again. Two months ago she fell, broke her hip and can't walk any more. Since then she's deteriorated terribly, just skin and bone and even more hateful than ever, I dread calling her because she's so nasty and argumentative and it upsets me for the rest of the day. I've had it up to here and then some.
Yes, you're right, it's guilt because we're supposed to take care of our parents but she flatly refused to lift a finger to take care of hers as it was just too much trouble when she was living in a fancy house nearby, driving an expensive car, shopping for nice clothes and generally having a good time.
I give up. I've promised myself I will not call her or go to see her unless and until she can be pleasant and reasonable (fat chance!) before the stress makes me really ill. I just want to get on with rebuilding my life and enjoy the peace and quiet of the countryside with my dogs.