Grieving hurts

As many of you know, I respond often to people writing here for suggestions, support, ideas, education. I am in the process of grieving - like molasses in the slowest of motion - with my friend (89) currently in a nursing home. I've known him for around 20-22 years. We were a couple for the first 6 months and then became friends. His life long PTSD / ongoing severe depression and anxiety (due to him being assaulted / brutally attacked in the service for being Jewish) took its deep toil on our relationship. I was told today by the Hospice nurse that he has a month or less . . . or a few months. He is a kind, gentle soul and a naturally talented fine artist, when he happened to pick up a paint brush in a desk drawer after having a breakdown (in his 50s - I didn't know him then.). Over the last 4-6 years, I progressively took on more responsibility to care for him, handling everything - legally: healthcare, finances, coordinating socialization visits, clearing out his 7 room (Sect 8) apt which took me over a year ... coordinating/working with Hospice, hiring/training caregivers, cataloguing almost 200 of his paintings and prints. I find the grief process hurts in ways nothing else does - although intellectually I understand it (I lean towards Buddhism/Taoism), emotionally, it is another story. I've never known anyone growing old (over 20-22 years). The one quality I know for sure now is that he finally understood what it means to be unconditionally loved (by me). He never had that and often told me (even now) "no one has ever cared for me as you do." This is the greatest gift I could give him. For this I am grateful, even though I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and depressed over the last few years with ongoing responsibilities. I wasn't about to let him become a ward of the state and me shut out of his life (due to Hippa laws), when he needed me most. I know it must be much more difficult to be married to a person and go through this - although this is my process. He knows I've always wanted a little dog (toy poodle) - and he always wanted to buy me this dog (now, he actually can and will some day). I asked him if I could name him Jerry. He always thought that was funny. One day I will get my little "Jerry" and know s/he is a gift from my Jerry. I embrace everyone going through this grief - and it is such a drawn out process, esp when one loses their cognitive functioning. I feel this is my extended family.
Thank you all for being here.

Gena / Touch Matters

P.S. Touch does matter. Give or get a hug, or a hand or foot massage today.