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Hello everyone. Made a quick trip 300 miles downstate yesterday, just before my husband's older sister passed. She was at her daughters, and we stayed there, then back 300 miles today. Tired. We go down tomorrow or Thurs for visitation, then funeral possibly Friday. Lots of road miles. Hospice called it yesterday morning, so it went fast. She's in a better place. I know it's hard on my husband and two nieces. Thanks for your prayers.
up early on the east coast to welcome construction guys once again into my life. Soon it will end.
Hope everybody is well and doing ok with all of our challenges.
thanks for checking in Flex and Linda and Maxine. Linda, you are an angel to your dad and make sure you tell him everybody on the 'boat' says hi. where's the rest of the crew? We care about you and hope to see you here soon!
Had a great weekend in Myrtle Beach even with the rain. Mom is talking about going to FLorida with my brother for about three weeks. I may just get a little more of a break after all.
I'll be busy even if she goes to Florida since I have to help my friends daughter pack up at college some time the end of May.
It's nice to be working in the garden at this time of the year. I just got in from water my plants. My brother istalled the pump and fountain in my new pond and it sounds soooo relaxing. I'm determined if I am going to be trapped at home I am going to give myself some area of calm to escape to.
Don't work too hard my ship mates and take good care of yourselves!
well didnttake no nap . pa saw me laid down on the couch and he started wa waaa . hes gettin upset wanted to know where mom is . i told him longtime ago that shes passed away 20 yrs ago , he bawled like a baby and cried , i didnt want to tell him that again cuz it broke my heart , i told him i didnt know where she is . he got upset said he wanted to go to our old hometown where i grew up and go find her ! i told him its getting late and we could do that tmr . he demanded to get his shoes on and lets go ! i told him i ve got supper going and that we could go tmr . i had to leave the living room and hide from him for a while , he seems to be calmin down now , oh my , what a heartbreakin day .
hi bobbie , im doing ok . hope u are too . been gloomey weather , cant go out and play . starting toget cold . took pa to dr today and got his stiches taken out . (skincancer) 2 weeks ago he went to the hospital and had 3 diffrent spots on his ear face cancer spot removed . ; sad . it hurt when the dr took his stiches out , he was begin good . poor guy . well hubby and pa is nappin so i guess i better go take my nappy pooie too . take care !! linda
Hey Maxine! good for you. the garden is the best. It's raining here too and I won't be able to cut the grass until Thursday or Friday. I should just get a goat.
There's a lot of clothes to go through here also so I know what you mean!
Maxine here I have been spending a lot of time outside neating the place up and planting and weeding and watering it is such much more fun than housework and because today it is raining I am going through my husbands clothes to give to Goodwill and to a rehab place and some to a friend of my son in laws who wears the same size my husband did I tried consignment stores but one does not take used clothes and others are so fussy what they will take so it is easier to donate them. Hope all the crew are doing ok.
Giles, thanks for your sympathy. I read that book early on, upon learning about dad's diagnosis. However, it doesn't even being to touch mom's personality disorder, or mental illness, which is a game of its own. But its great for dement. The Alzheimer's Association has lots of materials available, too, as well as the NIH (National Institute of Health), and NIA (Natl. Inst. on Aging). The latter offer a host of materials for free or their website, and mail them out at no cost to you. I read everything I could get my hands on in the beginning. Hope that helps someone...
I have something that I want to share with EVERYONE on this board. We went to look at a Private Care Home for grandma last week and they gave us a really nice gift bag full of goodies. Among these goodies was a book that they highly recommended any and all caregivers to read. I have been reading it and it is SO informative. I wish someone would have told me about it 8 months ago. I look back now, knowing what I know, and see how much smoother everything could have gone and how much we screwed up. We did the best that we could with the info that we had, but I now know that we could have done so much better had we understood the nature of the disease called dementia.
The book is called "The 36-Hour Day" by Nancy L. Mace, M.A., and Peter V. Rabins, M.D., M.P.H.
Pirategal, I remember reading alot of your posts and thinking "yep, that's how I felt" or "yeah, I can relate to that". I think this book may really help you to understand what's going on and make it easier to cope with the situations.
I don't like "hocking products" on places like this but this book has really helped me so much and I wanted to let all of you know that it's out there. Like I said, I really wish someone would have told me about it sooner. It would have made so much of the last 6--8 months much more bearable. And it's only $10 at Borders. I'm not sure where else it's sold. If you try to get it, try to get the fourth edition. The book has been around for 20 some years but the fourth edition has added materials that the previous editions did not. Hope this helps some of you the way its helping me.
dtflex, CONGRATULATIONS! so glad you're able to get away for even just a few days. You deserve it....we all do. I know you'll have a great time. And when family steps in to help like that....even just for a few days....most times it at least makes them aware and more sympathetic to what we go through EVERY DAY. Hope this is the case for you as well.
Secret Sister, I feel your pain. We aren't going through what you are. At least not at the same level. We know that certain family members are more concerned about "what we're gonna do with the house", "what we're gonna do with this or that" than they are concerned about grandma. It makes us sick to our stomachs. Fortunately for us in this case, they are all out of state and have distanced themselves for fear of being asked for help. It does suck when we need a sitter because our only option is paying out the wazoo for some stranger but it does come in handy when we hear about how some other families are acting. My heart goes out to you.
I'm not kidding. He's a genius at this stuff. go to the website and click on 'be on the show' You're a good writer and you make the issues come alive.
It is disgusting and it is wrong and it is going on all over the country. The Family court system, etc. Dr. Phil just did a show on how screwed up the Family Court System is and this shows a completely different angle on the same problem.
This is so vile. I know how much stuff was stolen out of my mom's house by people we were supposed to be able to trust.
I like deefer's plan also. big time.
love you and hope you get through this without totally hating mankind.
And yes, I filed accounting to the penny showing what debt was paid off, using my parent's assets. It was quite the ordeal, as you can imagine. I had to sell vehicles, insurance policies, liquidate IRAs and annuities, and more. It was an accounting nightmare that took endless hours of my life every day for over 2 years, only to be thanked by my mother by her saying I was abusing her. My husband and I spent our own money driving 200 miles back and forth for 3 years to care for their house, yard, their bodies, etc. We moved them both, and all their stuff. I have some record of mileage, but we chose not to submit it. The first judge gave me kudos for that. Mom hasn't a clue how much we've done. Sis came once, at my request, to move mom, when they got in a fight, mom hitting her in the face, knocking off her glasses. So I have a lovely couple of women in my family to deal with, don't I? And I have a very patient, supportive husband, thank God. But nice people get taken advantage of. I need to know what to do about that.
Thank you for that! I was mom's guardian for the last 2-1/2 years, and am still my dad's. At mom's request, I had an appraisal done in November. I was amazed that their things were worth so much more than I ever realized. Mom said she wanted stuff to stay in the family, and got a Psychiatrist to say she could make "some" decisions. Then as soon as she got a new guardian, the house I had locked (so no one could abscond the valuables), and the stuff I had preserved started disappearing the moment the new guardian went down there to do her inventory for the court. Mom was there with her when my 20 year old nephew loaded up the car with all the family silver, save a few pieces. And the guardian wrote that she was not responsible. I haven't approached the court, because mom lied about me, and said some nasty things to silence me. So, now it's become a war of who can get there first and take the most. Sis was there two weeks ago, and took all the stuff they talked about behind my back. Meanwhile, dad with Alzheimer's has NO say, and the house is still in his name. A 20 year old has thousands of $$$$$ of silver, when there's just my sister and me and him. I'm having a hard time with that. Then she went and took thousands of $$$$$ worth of antiques. I put stuff in a room with a lock on the door, and am waiting for the fallout from that. This is not right. I told the guardian, that if something happened to mom, dad's assets would be gone. (She has COPD, emyphema, PD, Cancer, etc.). I was designated by both mom and dad as executrix, but sis is taking whatever she wants, and both parents are alive. The summer taxes alone are $2,000.00 and the guardian said my sis and I have to pay them. So, I have a few valuables in case she doesn't, because it is NOT my responsibility to finance my parent's estate, if mom's giving money away to friends, spending foolishly, and dissipating her own estate. This is sickening.
She told the nursing home dad's gold wedding ring is missing (I gave it to her) and his gold college ring is gone. She also has a $9,000.00 she leaves unattended with her door open to an apartment complex. I think I need to have the police investigate "missing" items, so nothing comes back on me. There's fraud involved in other areas, too, but no one seems to care, except me. I'm just trying to cover myself, and have 2 years of taped conversations, emails, and pictures of every item. So, I have done a lot to document everything I can. Mom is delusional, and sneaky, and vindictive. Can't trust her. My sister is mean, vindictive, and backbiting. Can't trust her, either. Mom gives her "new family," and "new church family" lots of money, who are all "protecting her" from me. So, what's a daughter to do? Even the lawyer I hired took mom's money and did NOTHING for me. I hate this system. The judge like "professional" guardians, and hates family ones, so that's a closed door. In the county of origin where the house resides, I was a hero. Here, cast to the curb. Thank God I am still my dad's guardian, and don't want that compromised. I am the ONLY one who gives a rip about him, as mother never visits, and uses him as a prop in her production when she does. Even with Alzheimer's, he resists her. I don't want to make too many waves and lose his guardianship, too. He needs an advocate who has his best interests at heart. She neglected and abused him. I don't want to see it go to a guardian the nurses snicker about. So....that's why I'm scrambling to know what to do to protect the interests in a valuable estate. At least it's valuable in that it still 1/2 belongs to dad. No one else visits him, but sure spends time obsessing about getting the antiques. What's wrong with this picture? Everything! I grieve.
Talk to someone who deals with the elderly in your area. They will know who to talk to and how to go about dealing with all this behind your back sh!!t! I think it's disgusting and you should try to make everyone in this mess accountable. It will mean more trouble for you, but at this point I would be waging an all out war on them! If your mom is not legally competent to take care of her own affairs, then you should be able to do something about the blatant stealing and whatever else has been going on. Notify the courts that her appointed guardian has not acted in her best interest and tell them you want an investigation into all that has been going on. If you have proof of paying off their debt, file it in court. They may well make the rest of the family pay you back for their share. If there is anything of value left i the house, get pictures of it and file a stolen property complaint with the police when they come up missing. Some of this may sound drastic, but it will get your sister's attention fast. If she thinks she'll have to account for everything she has taken, she may change her tune. After all, the state can come back and look at Mom's financial records from the last 5 years. If she goes into a home and can no longer pay for her care, they will start looking into where all her assets went in the last 5 to 7 years. Your sister could end up owing money to the state for Mom's care! Good luck!
She is giving away everything to a daughter who hates her guts, thinks she's mental, and only wants stuff. Sis never did one thing over the past 2-1/2 years to help mom, but is now walking away with all the loot. My hubby and I paid all mom and dad's bills ($98,000.00 of credit card debt), cleaned their house, dejunked basement, offices, etc., moved my mom, carted her to appointments for 2-1/2 years, and the same for my dad, visit dad weekly 3-5 days, and care for everything, while the brats are walking off with all the expensive valuables... My dad has no say, and mom is vindictive towards me. She thinks she's getting one over on me by giving everything away to sis and her boy. My family disgusts me, and this is not right! If you could alert your loved one to someone taking advantage of them, wouldn't you? Or just let them get the jackpot, while you're stuck with all the work, grief, distrust, etc.? The courts aren't protecting mom, the guardian isn't, and my sister just wants the stuff. I need to do something. I can't just let this travesty continue. It's not right! And they expect me to clean out the house after they are done taking every valuable out of it. (Loads of garbage in every room, garage, two attics and basement.) So what would you do? I can't just play nice and take it. It is wicked and someone needs to stop it! My name is not doormat.
Gilis just a suggestion I would move her if it is disorganized the PT probably is also and another place might be more helpful with her rehab and in getting her to return to home as best as she can be and if the next one is not any better at least you know you did the best for her Pt was very different in the two nursing homes my husband was in -in one they all joked around and the other they took pride is their work and really gave the people lots of chances and encouraged them-good luck to you.
Been downstate caring for things... Mom's house had no burgular alarm, and little electricity on. And the water was turned off, as well as standing water on the basement floor. Had to take my hubby to fix it. Just got lawn service reinstated. Lots more antiques were gone when I arrived. So, we do all the work for 2-1/2 years, and the family walks away with all the goodies. That's real nice, huh? Then they leave the house with no electricity for the sump pump or alarm system. Wow, don't you just love it when you can't trust your own family, and mom is "getting worse," according to her guardian. Her mental cognition is slipping, an she is an "Incapacitated" individual, under court protection, and thinks I'm taking advantage of her? Now she says some of dad's jewerly is missing from her apartment. Hmmmmm. What else is missing? Sissy and her son have been very busy behind my back. Little does mom know...about her daughter's real feelings about her. Think I'll show mom the notebook full of emails from the past two years. I don't like my family.
It was really neat yesterday at the nursing home. Dad said "my daughter" to the nurse. So, he really does know who I am. He's nicer to me than ever. My husband said it's because I'm the only friend he has. The nurses say things don't go well between he and his wife (my mom) if/when she visits. What people don't know, is that things never went well around mom. Now the rest of the world (except the one she's created) can see what I've been trying to say... But I'm just Chicken Little. The Guardian tells me mom is getting more and more forgetful. Next thing you know, mom will be placed...
Bobbie, sounds like you and your mom are both doing better these days. So happy for you. Sure, there are the "dementia days" mixed in...but isn't it great when they have good days!
Grandma is still in rehab so I'm really enjoying my time off. Unfortunately, she's not adjusting well and I'm not real happy with the facility that she's at. They are just SO DISORGANIZED. Nobody knows anything in there. When I ask a question, the only answer I ever get is that I have to talk to another person and that person (no matter who it is) is NEVER available. Hmmm. Now I'm shopping around at other facilities. Debating on how to handle it. I don't want to traumatize her by moving her unnecessarily but I'm just not completely comfortable with her where she's at. Breaks my heart to leave after I visit. The dementia, delusions, and hallucinations have accelerated since she's been there. She told me yesterday that I had to get her out of there right away. She doesn't like being raped. She has a completely lucid roommate that is with her all the time so I know it's just delusions but it's not like you can convince grandma of that. To her.....it's real! And I can see the fear on her face when the male aide comes to her room. She's had it out for him since the minute she got there her first day so I kind of feel sorry for this poor fella too. Just breaks my heart to see the fear and disappointment on her face when it's time for me to leave. Makes me wanna cry. My fear is that since it's due to the delusions, this fear is gonna follow her no matter where I place her to finish her rehab. I did find a place that only has one male aide and they assured me that due to her circumstances, they could make sure that he doesn't interact with her at all during her stay. They would make special provisions. They also have a permanent Memory Wing residence at this new facility that may come in handy in the event that she might settle in there. I'm thinking about moving her and hoping that the pros outway the cons in the long run. Geez, even when she's not here, I need a nice long boat ride and good stiff drink.
Bobbie, you bring the boat and I'll bring the Mai Tais!
Hope all of you have your "old toads" in bed and are enjoying what's left of your evening.
Good to see you! Glad you have fun on this thread, I know I do. You guys have really come through for me on many occasions. thank you thank you all
Good call with the clothes. they can help so many people and then you have less stuff!! Love the gardening. How many lawns do you have? Can you get a goat? You sound like you're in good form there, Maxine. You're the stuff.
I took mom out for a spa day today and she got a manicure, pedicure, facial and a lip/chin wax. She looks good. Lip's a little red but you know she got right into the big pedicure chair and then up on the table for the facial. She didn't blink. Laid there letting her nails dry while the lady gave her the queen's treatment. Had a great time. fire Engine Red X 20.
Mom's going to the little entertainment tomorrow in her chair wearing sandals to show off her toes. She actually has great looking feet.
Maybe she is settling down into the place and realizing that when she is there she actually gets to do more stuff because I have more soup to take her out for a few hours and have fun with her. I told her that when she gets sad, look down at her nails and she'll know that she's loved and fussed over. I know it's still dementia but I am grateful for the good days and the smile on my mother's face.
Hi Maxine here how are all my boat people doing. I am finally getting to getting rid of the husbands clothes the consignment store does not want used clothes so it will be Goodwill where I shop for myself and some to a place that takes in men with problems and will give some to someone who wears the size he did-he was a clothes horse so it will take some time. Have been working outside on my flower gardens and need to start mowing the lawns, God bless you all-this thread is so much fun.
I feel you my crewmate. My mom gives me the orneries daily and it is indeed frustrating and can get you pissed to the heights of pisstivity and sad because it's only getting worse and there's no fix.
I cry in my car and I work at having a smiley face on when i see mom because sometimes with the demented whatever is on your face they will reflect back to you. Of course when our moms are sitting there glaring at us like they wish we were dead, it's pretty rough and really takes a toll on us that they cannot comprehend because of the dementia and the selfishness that goes with it.
My mom is clueless about what it takes to keep her clean and fed and safe. She still maintains that she can live alone but she can't wipe her own butt.
Every day I go to be with her at the place and she is healthy and the caregivers fuss over her trying to get her to smile and relax but she wants to fume and stew. It's gotten to the point that I really think she's happier without my presence because when I show up she's angry at me and lets me and everybody else know it. Yesterday I broke down and cried in the back yard at the place and the caregivers came out to reassure me that she loves me because when I am not there she shows them my picture and tells them that I am her daughter. It's boiling down to where I guess she's better off without me but I come anyway and if she's being mean I come back later to catch the second show.
Thank God I have had these few weeks of respite but I leave for the east coast this coming Fri (can't miss the plane this time) and I will be gone for 5 weeks to complete the business. I am fearful that my mom is giving up. I am hanging out with her every day because I will be gone before she knows it and then all I can do is talk to her a few times a day on the horn.
Flex, at the end of the day we can't decide anyone's happiness but our own. I hear you with the platitudes of 'just go along... etc.etc.' but these people have no earthly idea what this is all about and how difficult and soul sucking dealing with this S*** on a daily/hourly basis is. Forgive them that and if they start up with bs, I empower you to tell them to shut the F*** up until they have something useful to say, like "I'm coming over now with a pitcher of margaritas!"
The way mom looks at the caregivers and me is chilling. They are Asian and speak to each other in their own language and sweethearts but she has always been paranoid about people talking and I know that she's suspicious that they are talking about her and plotting against her. For what, who knows.
I also know the pain of knocking yourself out to provide a favorite meal or activity only to have the whole thing go down the drain because of whatever.
Today when I go over to the place with some BLTs for mom I am going to try the 'ignore' tactic. When she starts glaring and being mean, I'm not going to take it to heart and I'm not going to try and figure out what she's talking about.
If your mom is anything like mine, most of our energy goes into trying to decipher wtf they're talking about and it's usually NOTHING. We're trying so hard to give our moms the respect of listening to them and we CAN'T because they will kill us with their insanity. We never know where the truth is and that in and of itself is the most crazy making and stressful situation we can find ourselves in.
I have learned through this experience that what my mom has to say doesn't matter. I love her and I desperately want her to be happy but the truth is that no matter what I do she will not be happy. She tells me that she wants to be with me and those few days I had her here at the apt to give her the extra healing she needed it was only pleasant for a day and then it was back to being contrary and refusing her meds and acting out. I just don't have the soup to deal with that right now and I don't think I'm going to ever have the soup to be her primary caregiver again. She has broken her toy.
As far as advice? Vent. Get it out because everything YOU are feeling is valid. this is a suck deal and YOU have the right to bitch and gripe and moan and this is the place! Tell people that are giving you bs statements to go pee up a rope and feel free to cut others off in the middle of a sentence because you do not have to listen to it.
Now... onto more pleasant things. You are the one near Baltimore's Inner Harbor? Or is it Charleston. i don't remember but we will be moving the boat up the East Coast and I say let's get together. To me it is vitally important to have some fun planned for the future. For those of us on this thread who have bonded I am all for some for real boat time and i hope that we will see each other in the flesh! Plenty of room on the boat and if you guys can get to the various ports of call we will be in business because boat rooms are already paid for!
Good to see you Miz! I look forward to all of our sisters, secret and otherwise! to be joining us on the boat for real.
Hang in Flex.don't get sucked in. It's Spring and beautiful outside and draw that into your heart to push away the bs.
Dtflex, My heart goes out to you. It's so hard to deal with dementia and takes so much patience. What I have found out is the best thing and what I try to do is not correct Mom if it's something that doesn't matter anyway. Most of the time, that is the case. It's not always easy and I still find myself correcting her sometimes. But I try... Hang in there, sweetie. Think about the boat. :)
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up early on the east coast to welcome construction guys once again into my life. Soon it will end.
Hope everybody is well and doing ok with all of our challenges.
thanks for checking in Flex and Linda and Maxine.
Linda, you are an angel to your dad and make sure you tell him everybody on the 'boat' says hi.
where's the rest of the crew? We care about you and hope to see you here soon!
lovbob
Had a great weekend in Myrtle Beach even with the rain. Mom is talking about going to FLorida with my brother for about three weeks. I may just get a little more of a break after all.
I'll be busy even if she goes to Florida since I have to help my friends daughter pack up at college some time the end of May.
It's nice to be working in the garden at this time of the year. I just got in from water my plants. My brother istalled the pump and fountain in my new pond and it sounds soooo relaxing. I'm determined if I am going to be trapped at home I am going to give myself some area of calm to escape to.
Don't work too hard my ship mates and take good care of yourselves!
i told him i didnt know where she is . he got upset said he wanted to go to our old hometown where i grew up and go find her ! i told him its getting late and we could do that tmr .
he demanded to get his shoes on and lets go ! i told him i ve got supper going and that we could go tmr . i had to leave the living room and hide from him for a while , he seems to be calmin down now ,
oh my , what a heartbreakin day .
well hubby and pa is nappin so i guess i better go take my nappy pooie too .
take care !! linda
It's raining here too and I won't be able to cut the grass until Thursday or Friday. I should just get a goat.
There's a lot of clothes to go through here also so I know what you mean!
lovbob
anybody out there? I'm working on the house and just wanted to find out how everybody is.
SS?, Miz?, Pamela?, Giles?, Flex?, Maxine?, Rep?, KB?, Linda?
Forgive me if i missed anybody but haven't heard from some for awhile and hope all is ok.
lovbob
I am in NJ after some very drama filled, interesting days in LA.
Mom is ok and so am I but whew! more about that later.
Giles! Great Book, an absolute must read and another one is "I'm Still Here" about Dementia and communication among other good info.
Hang in there everybody, I love you all and wonder where some of our sailors are and how they are doing.
Crew Call!!!!
lovbob
The book is called "The 36-Hour Day" by Nancy L. Mace, M.A., and Peter V. Rabins, M.D., M.P.H.
Pirategal, I remember reading alot of your posts and thinking "yep, that's how I felt" or "yeah, I can relate to that". I think this book may really help you to understand what's going on and make it easier to cope with the situations.
I don't like "hocking products" on places like this but this book has really helped me so much and I wanted to let all of you know that it's out there. Like I said, I really wish someone would have told me about it sooner. It would have made so much of the last 6--8 months much more bearable. And it's only $10 at Borders. I'm not sure where else it's sold. If you try to get it, try to get the fourth edition. The book has been around for 20 some years but the fourth edition has added materials that the previous editions did not. Hope this helps some of you the way its helping me.
Secret Sister, I feel your pain. We aren't going through what you are. At least not at the same level. We know that certain family members are more concerned about "what we're gonna do with the house", "what we're gonna do with this or that" than they are concerned about grandma. It makes us sick to our stomachs. Fortunately for us in this case, they are all out of state and have distanced themselves for fear of being asked for help. It does suck when we need a sitter because our only option is paying out the wazoo for some stranger but it does come in handy when we hear about how some other families are acting. My heart goes out to you.
Dtflex, sounds great! Hope you have an AWESOME weekend!
Blessings, everyone!
It looks like I missed the boat!
Good news! I am getting away to Myrtle Beach tomorrow and Sunday. My brother is in town and he is taking care of mom for the weekend.
I hope you all have a good weekend and I'll catch up with you Monday.
Appreciate your support.
I'm not kidding. He's a genius at this stuff.
go to the website and click on 'be on the show'
You're a good writer and you make the issues come alive.
It is disgusting and it is wrong and it is going on all over the country. The Family court system, etc.
Dr. Phil just did a show on how screwed up the Family Court System is and this shows a completely different angle on the same problem.
This is so vile. I know how much stuff was stolen out of my mom's house by people we were supposed to be able to trust.
I like deefer's plan also. big time.
love you and hope you get through this without totally hating mankind.
lovbob
She told the nursing home dad's gold wedding ring is missing (I gave it to her) and his gold college ring is gone. She also has a $9,000.00 she leaves unattended with her door open to an apartment complex. I think I need to have the police investigate "missing" items, so nothing comes back on me. There's fraud involved in other areas, too, but no one seems to care, except me. I'm just trying to cover myself, and have 2 years of taped conversations, emails, and pictures of every item. So, I have done a lot to document everything I can. Mom is delusional, and sneaky, and vindictive. Can't trust her. My sister is mean, vindictive, and backbiting. Can't trust her, either. Mom gives her "new family," and "new church family" lots of money, who are all "protecting her" from me. So, what's a daughter to do? Even the lawyer I hired took mom's money and did NOTHING for me. I hate this system. The judge like "professional" guardians, and hates family ones, so that's a closed door. In the county of origin where the house resides, I was a hero. Here, cast to the curb. Thank God I am still my dad's guardian, and don't want that compromised. I am the ONLY one who gives a rip about him, as mother never visits, and uses him as a prop in her production when she does. Even with Alzheimer's, he resists her. I don't want to make too many waves and lose his guardianship, too. He needs an advocate who has his best interests at heart. She neglected and abused him. I don't want to see it go to a guardian the nurses snicker about. So....that's why I'm scrambling to know what to do to protect the interests in a valuable estate. At least it's valuable in that it still 1/2 belongs to dad. No one else visits him, but sure spends time obsessing about getting the antiques. What's wrong with this picture? Everything! I grieve.
If there is anything of value left i the house, get pictures of it and file a stolen property complaint with the police when they come up missing. Some of this may sound drastic, but it will get your sister's attention fast. If she thinks she'll have to account for everything she has taken, she may change her tune. After all, the state can come back and look at Mom's financial records from the last 5 years. If she goes into a home and can no longer pay for her care, they will start looking into where all her assets went in the last 5 to 7 years. Your sister could end up owing money to the state for Mom's care! Good luck!
My dad has no say, and mom is vindictive towards me. She thinks she's getting one over on me by giving everything away to sis and her boy. My family disgusts me, and this is not right! If you could alert your loved one to someone taking advantage of them, wouldn't you? Or just let them get the jackpot, while you're stuck with all the work, grief, distrust, etc.? The courts aren't protecting mom, the guardian isn't, and my sister just wants the stuff. I need to do something. I can't just let this travesty continue. It's not right! And they expect me to clean out the house after they are done taking every valuable out of it. (Loads of garbage in every room, garage, two attics and basement.) So what would you do? I can't just play nice and take it. It is wicked and someone needs to stop it! My name is not doormat.
SS don't do that, it would be mean and cruel and why hurt your mom when she is already hurting and disappearing.
I'm just saying.
It was really neat yesterday at the nursing home. Dad said "my daughter" to the nurse. So, he really does know who I am. He's nicer to me than ever. My husband said it's because I'm the only friend he has. The nurses say things don't go well between he and his wife (my mom) if/when she visits. What people don't know, is that things never went well around mom. Now the rest of the world (except the one she's created) can see what I've been trying to say... But I'm just Chicken Little. The Guardian tells me mom is getting more and more forgetful. Next thing you know, mom will be placed...
Keep going Maxine. You're doin' great!
Bobbie, sounds like you and your mom are both doing better these days. So happy for you. Sure, there are the "dementia days" mixed in...but isn't it great when they have good days!
Grandma is still in rehab so I'm really enjoying my time off. Unfortunately, she's not adjusting well and I'm not real happy with the facility that she's at. They are just SO DISORGANIZED. Nobody knows anything in there. When I ask a question, the only answer I ever get is that I have to talk to another person and that person (no matter who it is) is NEVER available. Hmmm. Now I'm shopping around at other facilities. Debating on how to handle it. I don't want to traumatize her by moving her unnecessarily but I'm just not completely comfortable with her where she's at. Breaks my heart to leave after I visit. The dementia, delusions, and hallucinations have accelerated since she's been there. She told me yesterday that I had to get her out of there right away. She doesn't like being raped. She has a completely lucid roommate that is with her all the time so I know it's just delusions but it's not like you can convince grandma of that. To her.....it's real! And I can see the fear on her face when the male aide comes to her room. She's had it out for him since the minute she got there her first day so I kind of feel sorry for this poor fella too. Just breaks my heart to see the fear and disappointment on her face when it's time for me to leave. Makes me wanna cry. My fear is that since it's due to the delusions, this fear is gonna follow her no matter where I place her to finish her rehab. I did find a place that only has one male aide and they assured me that due to her circumstances, they could make sure that he doesn't interact with her at all during her stay. They would make special provisions. They also have a permanent Memory Wing residence at this new facility that may come in handy in the event that she might settle in there. I'm thinking about moving her and hoping that the pros outway the cons in the long run. Geez, even when she's not here, I need a nice long boat ride and good stiff drink.
Bobbie, you bring the boat and I'll bring the Mai Tais!
Hope all of you have your "old toads" in bed and are enjoying what's left of your evening.
Good to see you! Glad you have fun on this thread, I know I do. You guys have really come through for me on many occasions. thank you thank you all
Good call with the clothes. they can help so many people and then you have less stuff!!
Love the gardening. How many lawns do you have? Can you get a goat?
You sound like you're in good form there, Maxine. You're the stuff.
I took mom out for a spa day today and she got a manicure, pedicure, facial and a lip/chin wax. She looks good. Lip's a little red but you know she got right into the big pedicure chair and then up on the table for the facial. She didn't blink. Laid there letting her nails dry while the lady gave her the queen's treatment. Had a great time. fire Engine Red X 20.
Mom's going to the little entertainment tomorrow in her chair wearing sandals to show off her toes. She actually has great looking feet.
Maybe she is settling down into the place and realizing that when she is there she actually gets to do more stuff because I have more soup to take her out for a few hours and have fun with her. I told her that when she gets sad, look down at her nails and she'll know that she's loved and fussed over. I know it's still dementia but I am grateful for the good days and the smile on my mother's face.
Love you guys,
lovbob
I feel you my crewmate. My mom gives me the orneries daily and it is indeed frustrating and can get you pissed to the heights of pisstivity and sad because it's only getting worse and there's no fix.
I cry in my car and I work at having a smiley face on when i see mom because sometimes with the demented whatever is on your face they will reflect back to you. Of course when our moms are sitting there glaring at us like they wish we were dead, it's pretty rough and really takes a toll on us that they cannot comprehend because of the dementia and the selfishness that goes with it.
My mom is clueless about what it takes to keep her clean and fed and safe. She still maintains that she can live alone but she can't wipe her own butt.
Every day I go to be with her at the place and she is healthy and the caregivers fuss over her trying to get her to smile and relax but she wants to fume and stew. It's gotten to the point that I really think she's happier without my presence because when I show up she's angry at me and lets me and everybody else know it. Yesterday I broke down and cried in the back yard at the place and the caregivers came out to reassure me that she loves me because when I am not there she shows them my picture and tells them that I am her daughter. It's boiling down to where I guess she's better off without me but I come anyway and if she's being mean I come back later to catch the second show.
Thank God I have had these few weeks of respite but I leave for the east coast this coming Fri (can't miss the plane this time) and I will be gone for 5 weeks to complete the business. I am fearful that my mom is giving up. I am hanging out with her every day because I will be gone before she knows it and then all I can do is talk to her a few times a day on the horn.
Flex, at the end of the day we can't decide anyone's happiness but our own. I hear you with the platitudes of 'just go along... etc.etc.' but these people have no earthly idea what this is all about and how difficult and soul sucking dealing with this S*** on a daily/hourly basis is. Forgive them that and if they start up with bs, I empower you to tell them to shut the F*** up until they have something useful to say, like "I'm coming over now with a pitcher of margaritas!"
The way mom looks at the caregivers and me is chilling. They are Asian and speak to each other in their own language and sweethearts but she has always been paranoid about people talking and I know that she's suspicious that they are talking about her and plotting against her. For what, who knows.
I also know the pain of knocking yourself out to provide a favorite meal or activity only to have the whole thing go down the drain because of whatever.
Today when I go over to the place with some BLTs for mom I am going to try the 'ignore' tactic. When she starts glaring and being mean, I'm not going to take it to heart and I'm not going to try and figure out what she's talking about.
If your mom is anything like mine, most of our energy goes into trying to decipher wtf they're talking about and it's usually NOTHING. We're trying so hard to give our moms the respect of listening to them and we CAN'T because they will kill us with their insanity. We never know where the truth is and that in and of itself is the most crazy making and stressful situation we can find ourselves in.
I have learned through this experience that what my mom has to say doesn't matter. I love her and I desperately want her to be happy but the truth is that no matter what I do she will not be happy. She tells me that she wants to be with me and those few days I had her here at the apt to give her the extra healing she needed it was only pleasant for a day and then it was back to being contrary and refusing her meds and acting out. I just don't have the soup to deal with that right now and I don't think I'm going to ever have the soup to be her primary caregiver again. She has broken her toy.
As far as advice? Vent. Get it out because everything YOU are feeling is valid. this is a suck deal and YOU have the right to bitch and gripe and moan and this is the place! Tell people that are giving you bs statements to go pee up a rope and feel free to cut others off in the middle of a sentence because you do not have to listen to it.
Now... onto more pleasant things. You are the one near Baltimore's Inner Harbor? Or is it Charleston. i don't remember but we will be moving the boat up the East Coast and I say let's get together. To me it is vitally important to have some fun planned for the future. For those of us on this thread who have bonded I am all for some for real boat time and i hope that we will see each other in the flesh! Plenty of room on the boat and if you guys can get to the various ports of call we will be in business because boat rooms are already paid for!
Good to see you Miz! I look forward to all of our sisters, secret and otherwise! to be joining us on the boat for real.
Hang in Flex.don't get sucked in. It's Spring and beautiful outside and draw that into your heart to push away the bs.
lovbob