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My heart goes out to all. The trials sure feel big when we're in them. B321, God bless you for sharing your experience and your lovely heart. You are a blessing to all. Hope basement is a smooth chore. Miz, Praying that this is only a temp. recognition thing for you. Good days/bad days. Hope its just a bad day. SS, Praying you get some alone time with your dad to love & chat on each other. Lharde, Praying all goes well at the doc. Glad you were able to find a good chair for dad. Make sure you lift with your knees & not so much with your back. I'm sure you'll find a non-painful way to lift the chair. Tilt & slide? Bobbie, Thank you & God bless you dear heart.
Dad is on less meds than ever, now. His behaviors have staged down, and he's declined so, that he no longer resists care. The spunk is gone, except to resist walks with me, or go outside for Vit D. Bummer. Too much stimulus, or out of his comfort zone, or??? As for my home, that would be very hard on us, in this tiny place, filled with so much stuff. No extra beds, and the living room (what's left after furniture) would barely hold a bed and place for the rest of us to walk about. Not practical, feasible, and don't want to have to entertain mom, either. Wishing is one thing, but it all comes down to practicality. If they told me, 2 more days, I would consider a temporary move with hospice. To allow him to die, surrounded by loved ones and peace. Otherwise, I think he's getting the best care available, given the circumstances. That part is a blessing. Just hate Alzheimer's, though; stole my dad. Wonder when God will be ready for him? Till then, I'm so glad he's close (4 minutes away). Plan to go there in a few...
lhardebeck, those swallow tests are dumb. If he fails, do they suggest a feeding tube? FIL had one, but thankfully recovered his stroke, and started eating again. Guess it's better than death, if one wants artificial methods. Darn the decline!
howdy sailors . miz im sorry ur mom didnt know who u were this morning . :-( she smiles at you cuz she can tell ure a good person and she trusted u . bless you guys ! . took pa to dr this am . got blood work and chest xray, tmr he s going to the hospital for a swallowing test . no food or drinks after midnight . he wanted to go somewhere to pig out , daughter and i wasnt in mood to go there cuz he s hollarin a bit . told him tmr we ll go cuz i know he be starving tmr . he had mcdonald this am for bfast then left the dr s office he whine im hungry so took him to wendys for bacon cheeseburger and a frosty . now he s passed out . oh we got him a better wheelchair too . kinda dont like it cuz its heavy for me to pick it up but he said oh this is comfty , guess thats ok for me to lift that heavy ass thing to put in and out of the van . as long as my pa is comfty im happy . the old wheelchair belong to my stepmom and it cuts pa s elbow everytime he gets in it . fed up with it and got him a diffrent one . s.s i dont know if u believe this or not . seems like when one of the family members pass away ya got 2 more to pass away . always in the 3 s . sometime not but it seems like it always falls on the 3 and then dont get anymore for a long time and bam 3 more to go . sux !.. my aunt mary passed away last year i thought for sure pa was going to join her but he didnt . i thought he was going to join step mom 2 yrs ago but he didnt , thought he was going to join my brother almost 3 yrs ago but he didnt . i guess its all up to the lord . s.s im sorry u hated going to nursing home and havin a heart aches , now ure confuse about bringin him home and care for him . it might do u some good to be able to spend extra more time with him at home than in nh . but then again it might not be good , causes more heart ache to watch him at home . i keep my dad home so i know whats going on . he dont get the lovin care at nh theyre all strangers to him and its just a paycheck for them and they dont love my pa . i tell ya , it is not too bad cuz pa loves to sleep , theres time s he stay up 2 nights in a row starin at the tv , ready for bed pa ? noooo im watching tv ! oh ok ill lay on the couch so u hollar when ure ready for bed . but he never hollars , i wake up 4 am he s still watching tv . gotta go pee pa ? noooooo ready for bed pa ? nooooo . then he is hungry . it is a pleasure to keep him home with me . when he s at rehab i worry sick about him but he comes home im happy but its hell sometimes . maybe u should bring dad home and it may give u peace of mind . maybe ur dad wants to come home . or it could be the meds hes on to make him zombie ? pa s zombie alot of time when hes in rehab , lay his head on table tryin to eat , makes me so piss . sure they dont feed him ! that man loves to eat and i always try to be there when its time to eat so i can feed him when he s zombie . need hospital bed and need someone to show u how to do this and how to do that . its realy easy . i learn from my daughters and i have found a diffrent ways and they learn from me . dont wreck ur brain my friend . do what ur heart tells u . praying for you ..
bobbie glad ya found ya a man with a good hard back woohoo! now he can huff and puff up and down those stairs and sweat in 90 degree weather , oh lala . maybe he ll jump in the pool when the water fills up .
ok dreedin to take pa to hospital tmr for swallowing test , bet he will do a good job and they;ll find nuthing wrong with him . sometimes i think he cough and hack and choke for an attentions but again never know . so test tmr plz . will ck again later and do some laundry grrrr . xoox
Bobbie321, you are a trooper! I admire your diligence. No sitting around, feeling sorry for you. So glad you have some help, and don't have to tackle the whole project alone. Praise God for the treasures you find along the way, and for the ones in your heart that will remain.
Dear Miz, in her heart of hearts, she knows you. She knows she's safe, and loved. Confusion is a robber, but her heart cannot lie! God bless you for being such a wonderful daughter! And the patience thing is overrated. I'm sure your mom lost hers at some point when you were little. We all do, so don't kick yourself, or give it another thought. Get you some rest, and that will help you, sweetheart. You are under pressure, and are feeling it. Don't let your emotions get the better of you. Know you are also loved, and completely accepted here, by those of us who have the privilege of your friendship.
Focus on the love you have for your mom; nothing else. Please don't dwell so much on what your mom says, as much as your love and devotion to her. She needs you, and trusts you. That's all that matters. I am proud of you for being her angel. Guard your heart, and give it to Jesus. He sees your deeds, and will reward you openly. Take care, sweetie. I'm praying for you and sending hugs!
Trying to write something positive here but the words won't come. I am just so sorry. My heart aches for you. Try to be strong, cry when you can, find a reason to laugh, know that love is never ending.
I would say that you need to put your personal items where she can't get to them. It doesn't have to be far away to be inconvenient, but this is who your mom is. She wouldn't do that if she didn't have dementia-type problems. She just wanted to comb her hair and still knows that a brush has bristles.
Thank you so much, bobbie. In a sweet voice she asked me what my name is and said, "That's a pretty name." and then asked me what her name is and said the same. She asked me if I go to school and if she goes to school. Does she have a husband. Do I have a husband.
Hubby said to try not to look too much into it. That she may be okay later in the day. I don't know. God, I feel awful. I was so tired and not the most patient with her last night. I gotta get off here or I'm gonna cry and I want to keep busy. I'll write more later.
I am on my 2nd cup o joe, have already called my 'helper': big guy with strong back $10 an hour, one of the firehouse guys. Good guys in my experience.
going to empty the BASEMENT, finally the BASEMENT. Arg. going to throw the stuff on the front lawn, save what we can trash the rest and replace the pressure treated lumber that the monster shelves are sitting on. all will be well.
We are 90+ degrees and dry as a bone here right now so good opportunity.
OK now here's the cool stuff: I keep running across nautical/boat/ship/airplane doo dads.
did I tell you about the anchor? My ass is too kicked to page back and check...
Little plastic anchor on a black thread, like from a happy meal or whatever, right in my path as i walk in to the Shop Rite to get some baby food for mom. 2 days before she died.
Said anchor will hang in pilothouse.
There's more fo those little things but you get it.
I know you caregivers are experiencing the most difficult times in your lives. Vent your hearts out, and just keep communicating. bless your little spleens.
I'm still all over the map but getting better. thanks you guys.
SecretSister you are absolutley correct in your concern about things being said in front of someone who "appears" to be unresponsive. More than once while working at a hospital, I would pull a nurse out of a room and speak with them about the type of discussion that was going on in fron of the patient. We don't know what they hear or don't hear so it is always best to be mindful..just in case it's called respect. As far as the morphine goes, I know that it seems unnatural, but it is actually a blessing in many cases to both the patient and the family. When people are preparing to pass, their breathing frequently becomes labored, this can be very uncomfortable for the patient as well as difficult for the family to think that the patient is in distress. It is hard to watch our parents decline. I watched my father. I was fortunate that it was rather quick (six months) so we had little opportunity to make any decisions. He knew there was something wrong but didn't want to share with his family. He refused medical treatment. Do I feel cheated sometimes, yes. But it was his life and he lived and died the way he wanted to. My heart goes out to you and everyone here. You are right though, it is the natural order of things. Does it make it suck any less, no....But have faith. It does get better. He and the other family members who have such loving caregivers are blessed. Just remember that you can only do what you can do. I know it sounds simplistic but it is true. Rember to breathe....Just put one foot in front of the other...You will be o.k.
Bobbie, your words helped so much. I think of my SIL dying, just a couple months ago. We were there with her, almost to the end. At least her daughter was with her at the moment, and her son-in-law. We just stepped out to go to the airport to pick up her other daughter... And she went as she was meant to. The signs were all there. We were all beside her, talking, and she was breathing very heavy in her deep sleep.
I look back with regret. Her son-in-law is very loud and abrupt, to say the least. He spoke about how he knew she was going, because he just went through it with his mom dying to cancer... In retrospect, I was mortified. I hate it when they talk about them in front of them. I try to usher people out into the hallway when they want to talk to me about my dad. It seems so disrespectful, otherwise. Some say, "He can't understand..." But I wonder how much of that is true. Sometimes the way things are handled is incorrect, and not proper. Not decently, or in order. My husband's sister didn't have us holding her hand, and no sweet talk. Just the loud mouth blathering on, with us having driven down 5 hours to get there. Had it been my call, we would have sung hymns, or played soft music, and would have said very nice things to her, regardless of whether I thought she could hear, understand, etc. But I was in my husband's niece's living room, with her upstairs sleeping, and me not even getting a word in edgewise. And they gave her morphine every 3 hours...not natural, and far from peaceful. So Bobbie, I like your ideas better. And I will try to practice them with my dad in the days ahead.
He is being dressed, bathed, and washed, and groomed by CNAs, because he can no longer do these things himself. He can't cut his food, but can still pick up a fork or spoon, and cup. But, he can't tell a joke, and used to love to write and speak poetry. Though ambulatory, he walks slowly, and often with assistance. He wanders in and out of people's room (lost?), or around in circles, seemingly aimlessly. Looking, searching, or...wondering? He is speaking less and less with every passing week. I miss the chattering, even though it hasn't made sense for some time. I miss his smile, which is so fleeting, with few between. I want to go for walks, like we used to, but he declines. I want to push him about in a wheelchair, so he can go out for fresh air and sunshine, but he won't go. He just wants to go to the sofa, and lie down, right in the middle of the hallway, with others sitting about. I can hardly lie down with him, but could pull up a chair. I don't think I'd say much, with numerous demented people about. Power of suggestion may elicit some strange responses. If I spoke out about "going on ahead, or on to heaven...", etc., someone else may take me up on the suggestion. So, I am careful of what I say...most of the time. Sometimes I regret my interaction with the staff. It's different than being with someone in their own home. We are usually sitting at a table in the dining room, with wanderers in and out, or others eating there. I can't talk to dad like I would if we were in his own space.
I just want to talk to him, but don't know what to say sometimes. I ask him questions, but he just stares. Why? On Father's Day, I told him, "I love you, Dad." I repeated this several times. No reaction. Did he not hear me? I sat there, looking searchingly into his eyes. I just want to grab him, throw him into my car, and drive away with him. I hate him being there. O, how I hate it more and more every day. But, when I think about all the logistics, it stops me cold, and makes me sooooooo sad. I think of hiring someone, getting a hospital bed, calling hospice, etc. This buzzes around my brain often. I hate the inconsistent staffing, and the thought of strangers getting paid to care for him. But...but...but...ugh! My brain hurts, because this recycles in my head continuously. Life ebbs and flows. There are sunrises, and sunsets. He is in the latter stage of Alzheimer's.
I should take some pictures of me and him. I could talk about them, and tell him how he impacted my life. At least it would give me something to talk about, other than, "How are you today?" Or listening to the nurse say, "He threw up yesterday." Gee, thanks for sharing... Then I come home and cry.
Went to a political debate tonight. 5 of 6 State Rep candidates there. Still, I thought of dad. I'm alive, and so is he, but not very active. I just miss him being...dare I say? Alive. I miss him working on a goal, or sharing a laugh. I can't remember the last time he laughed. I think it was April :( OK, I better go to sleep, since I'm being so melancholy.
Tomorrow's another day. I hope I have something more uplifting to report tomorrow. Maybe I'll tell you more about the debate, which was interesting.
Miz, love you, too. And Bobbie, and lhardebeck, and Austin, and Pirategal, and KelleyBean, and Rephil (miss you), and Pamela, and dtflex (where is she?), and... Wishing we were on the boat. Bobbie, every time I'm by the docks, I find myself hoping you're there. Perhaps someday. I'll run down. Hope it's soon. Sorry for those I forgot to mention, as it wasn't intentional. So glad you're all here. Thanks for reading to my ramblings, and for your support.
Bobbie, wonderful idea to pray for their comfort and peace. You're an angel.
bobbie, that looks like some really good stuff to share with us. You're so good and kind to do that. Such caring and compassion.
Went to the funeral today. The wonderful lady was only 67 years old and seemed more like 50. It rained like the dickens. Flooding in the streets and all. I'm so glad I went. My friend was grateful for my support. It's true that doing the right thing even if you don't really wanna is the best thing and sometimes the hardest thing to do. Was so exhausted when I got home and got a little nap. I'm major PMSing and not very patient right now. Wish I could get over this woe is me s*&$. Hubby mowed the neighbors lawn this morning so that's a good sign.
oh bobbie . :-( . its very touchin what u have been thruu . now this is something i gotta do just like u did . ill sit there and be thinkin of you and what you have said . you write very good and pour ur heart out real good . youre a blessing !! and am so glad to get to know you . YOU are so speical ! am so glad u went over to ur friend s house and chowed down . youre right people are suppose to bring you a dish or 2 so u can eat . but who in heck wanna eat ? when my mom passed away 20 yrs ago , i tried to eat ugh there s no taste to it . no desire to eat . blahhhhhh
i feel like i dont need to get the eleventh hr book , cuz i have you . im learning what youre going thru and i believe im gonna do what you just did . youre my book !! :-) when i get on i always look for ur name and read it first . ok sis in law just pop in at yahoo . gonna chit chat with her . ill keep u guys posted about dad s visit to dr . goodnite sailors , xoxo
Friend invited me to dinner at her house and at first I was all man, I'm beat, blah blah and then I remembered that I'm not eating and I said yo, I'll be there.
it made me think that back in the day when someone died, people would just show up and put something in your freezer with a note: 350 for an hour... and people did the covered dish thing.
That was the first thing to go, my appetite and then you're not taking care of yourself and then you start to feel like sh!! and you feel lik sh!! anyway simply because of what's going on: picking out a casket... the arrangements.
I think we're getting closer to another and I'm just going to say this without preamble and I mean absolutely no disrespect to anyone or their belief system.
Some of these beloved people are getting ready to die and that is what you're observing. The physical shut down of different senses and they will begin to literally appear as if they are standing in both worlds, for in a sense they are.
bkbooks.com don't wait and don't be scared. I just did it and you all got me through it and now it's going to happen again in a few weeks, months or whenever and we're all going to get through it together but we can learn from each other, just like we learned caregiving by ourselves and from each other.
Had I those books I would have handled things differently. All the way from saving mom and me stress and saving $. No kidding.
I am coming to peace that mom isn't suffering anymore and those of you who have already been there understand what I mean. She died with dignity and in the most organic way with as much peace and love that we could create. I miss her like crazy and am beginning to understand that mom is 'safe and sound' cause Jesus has got this handled, and it is time to take care of me for a minute. Maybe I'll come in handly with something else. You never know.
And here's what I learned about the praying: Pray they don't suffer. Pray that you can keep enough food in their stomachs that their insides don't hurt. they'll be hard to feed and you'll need patience and some help.
when you change them out because they won't be able to help themselves at all, don't make stinky noises and be disgusted, just knock it around with them like: These are a very attractive color. Very Southwestern.
Keep interacting and there will come a time when the responses will slowly go away. With mom I had her grip on my hand. She was holding me tight all the way to the end. Everybody will be different in how they progress through these stages, but there are stanges non the less. Hospice nurses are amazing because they witness this process so much and can usually give you good comfort in just know that you're doing ok helping this person die. i would just sit there and hold mom's hand and put my head on the bed next to her. Get a comfy chair and make the room pretty.
make sure you call good friends and have a 'party' if you can pull it off because i know how tired you all are. Get people to come up and say goodbye. Of course if your loved one starts shouting 'Get the F outta here!!', best to sh!!can that idea....
Pray that you can lie there with them and hold them when they go so they die at peace in the arms of someone who loves them.
Pray that you will have the courage to hold them long enough so some idiot doesn't code a 90 year old lady who's going to die in two days instead of today. Coding on old people really hurts them, but if they're laying there and are developing red spots on their bodies even when they are being turned every 2 hours, when the breathing changes, they become more and more unresponsive, mouth will start to hang open and you can see it coming. And it must come.
Pray for it to come in peace.
The lady in the books compares it to a labor. you are helping them through a physical labor just like when they were born. Good way to see it and they can hear you so you tell them all the good stuff. Tell them that everything is taken care of, they have no worries, You love them, if you have to go, you go on ahead. I wish you would stay here and play with me. I love you so much and you are still safe and sound.
Right after her 'death grimace' My mom's head turned toward me and she had a little smile, and she slowly closed her eyes. no kidding.
Don't be alarmed because all people/bodies go through what is called a 'death grimace'. With mom, she opened her eyes real wide and before I read the books I thought she looked scared, but it's simply the 'death grimace' everybody gets one. now there's a coffee table book.....omg.
remember, some stuff is still going to be funny to me. I can't help it. gotta bear with me and don't forget that this is the GROSSED OUT Thread!!!
I have been writing this off and on all day and now I'm back from my friend's dinner and I can feel myself getting stronger.
ok Ladies, Please don't forget that i'm coming to get you. I need to be goal oriented and you guys are my goal. on the boat. baby.
This will post and then I'll have to catch up on everybody else's day.
Thank you, ladies! godhelpus, we're all in the same boat. I appreciate your compassion. You, too, lhardebeck. Hope your dad gets some help tomorrow. Keep us posted.
I'm feeling like Orphan Annie these days. I have this longing to call my mom or sister, but neither are trustworthy; in fact, far from it. I "accidentally" got a doctor's letter in the mail (for my mom) recently, to a Endocrinology, Diabetes, & Metabolic Bone Disease Specialist's office. I am considering calling her PG to see what's up. I am tempted to call mom, but just thinking about calling her causes great anxiety. Saw her at an outdoor concert this weekend, and wanted to flee (so I retreated). Don't know if she saw me. I have to mail her some paperwork soon, so we'll have contact regarding my dad. I'd love to know what is going on with my mom, but can't take the punishment involved with contact. That's even sadder than what's going on with my dad. I do pray things were different. So much damage has been done, and I really don't know how to handle it, emotionally. Hence, numb zone. I simply don't know how I'm supposed to react to this dysfunctional family. No one else I know acts like them. Ugh!
I got a nasty email from my sister the other day, following one by someone who hacked into my gmail account, sending a Viagra link to all my contacts, including my Pastor. How humiliating and infuriorating, but also kind of funny. My sister demanded, "Why would you send us that?" I replied that I didn't. Should have just left her guessing. Ironic that some idiot would choose to discredit a Christian in that fashion. What a crude and wicked world! Wonder what my other "friends" thought when they received it? Actually, I warned a couple. My State Police friend laughed, but his wife didn't think it was so funny, and made him apologize. Satan really is a creep! I was horrified to know that email went out to my buddies. On the other hand, it did kind of make me laugh (while cringing). The devil has a whacked sense of humor.
s.s am sorry to hear that ur dad just isnt himself . bless ur heart feeling that way even tho he is still alive . errie feeling , feeling sad and griefing for the happy dad u once had , then i think why are they still livin even tho theire mind is shuttin down . sad sad situations .
pa woke up and his pee smelling stroinger than ever , amoniea smell . glad he s going to dr tmr at 9 am . get him cked out . fearin its uti again . he s real slow today , still eating bfast , usualy he woofs down on bfast but today nah he s real slow . thats ok , take ur time pa . :-( i hate that thinking and feelings we all are having . headin for more sader times .
lord give us strenght and for our parents who s not feeling good . amen
SS, Hugs & prayers. This may be a good time to pray with your dad. Hold his hand and lend support. "If any two agree in prayer.....". He may be trying to distance himself to protect you from his internal battles. Stay close and hang on dear sister. Make sure all your armor is on before you pray with him. Be prayed up yourself first. God be with you.
Bobbie, I think you're right about the books. I looked at the order form yesterday, and am considering it. Perhaps when I find it again in the piles of paperwork? Regarding his hands, he clasps and unclasps them, repeatedly. Just like he makes sideways jaw motions. Very strange. I'm not liking what I'm seeing. Thank you for your tender compassion, dear Bobbie. Hope your days is less crazy than you anticipated. God bless you through the trials.
Thanks for your encouragement, and sweet thoughts, Miz. You are a good friend. I'm sure you'll be a strength and blessing to your friend tomorrow, during her (or his?) grieving.
I saw my dad today, in the dining room. He wouldn't eat, except two bites of applesauce. He wouldn't talk, or anything. He seems so strange to me. I can't put my finger on it, but it's like he's mad or something. De'javu on that feeling. It is becoming increasingly uncomfortable to go visit. I'm doing all the work to reach him, it seems. No smile. No communication. And he just gets up from the table and walks away, down to the hallway sofa, and goes to sleep. Not good. I am just in shock, and numb by his behaviors. He's grinding his teeth back and forth (gnashing?), and doing weird things with his fingers. And he's wandering about, confused. I've seen the decline in others, and I don't want to see my dad go through all that. He will, though. I keep thinking, "I miss my dad," (even though he's still alive). What an eerie feeling. I can scarce desribe all this.
And I went to Probate today, to review his accounting. It was nitpicked apart, so they sent me home to contact the company who's providing his annuities. They're demanding exact values. Another setback...in the endless appeasement process. Numb about all that, too. And I'm feelin like a hostage by it. Ahhhhhh! They don't understand, and keep asking the same question a gazillion times. That person drives me to argue. Won't listen to me or hubby, but demands we cater to her system, even though the annuity doesn't work that way! And they expect I comply. Kinda reminds me of things going on...elsewhere.
miz , good to hear from you , am glad ure going to the visitations.. ure so sweet to know ur friends will need you . thats what i call it a true friend . i dont think im going to take any steriod , gonna soak in bathtub full of proxide , i heard its good for ur skin . and get liquid bandaid an doc myself up . smother em ! i realy dig and scratch em , hope ur patio sets comes in real soon . shall enjoy em before the leaves starts fallin . pa s lazy today , so was i , guess thats a good thing , need to build my strenght back , am still worn out from camping . itch itch .. god bless you all , xoxo
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The trials sure feel big when we're in them.
B321,
God bless you for sharing your experience and your lovely heart. You are a blessing to all. Hope basement is a smooth chore.
Miz,
Praying that this is only a temp. recognition thing for you. Good days/bad days. Hope its just a bad day.
SS,
Praying you get some alone time with your dad to love & chat on each other.
Lharde,
Praying all goes well at the doc. Glad you were able to find a good chair for dad. Make sure you lift with your knees & not so much with your back. I'm sure you'll find a non-painful way to lift the chair. Tilt & slide?
Bobbie,
Thank you & God bless you dear heart.
lhardebeck, those swallow tests are dumb. If he fails, do they suggest a feeding tube? FIL had one, but thankfully recovered his stroke, and started eating again. Guess it's better than death, if one wants artificial methods. Darn the decline!
Sorry when it came into my email this a.m., I thought it was new. I'll be more watchful. Thanks for the heads-up.
miz im sorry ur mom didnt know who u were this morning . :-( she smiles at you cuz she can tell ure a good person and she trusted u . bless you guys ! .
took pa to dr this am . got blood work and chest xray, tmr he s going to the hospital for a swallowing test . no food or drinks after midnight . he wanted to go somewhere to pig out , daughter and i wasnt in mood to go there cuz he s hollarin a bit . told him tmr we ll go cuz i know he be starving tmr . he had mcdonald this am for bfast then left the dr s office he whine im hungry so took him to wendys for bacon cheeseburger and a frosty . now he s passed out .
oh we got him a better wheelchair too . kinda dont like it cuz its heavy for me to pick it up but he said oh this is comfty , guess thats ok for me to lift that heavy ass thing to put in and out of the van . as long as my pa is comfty im happy . the old wheelchair belong to my stepmom and it cuts pa s elbow everytime he gets in it . fed up with it and got him a diffrent one .
s.s i dont know if u believe this or not . seems like when one of the family members pass away ya got 2 more to pass away . always in the 3 s . sometime not but it seems like it always falls on the 3 and then dont get anymore for a long time and bam 3 more to go . sux !..
my aunt mary passed away last year i thought for sure pa was going to join her but he didnt . i thought he was going to join step mom 2 yrs ago but he didnt , thought he was going to join my brother almost 3 yrs ago but he didnt . i guess its all up to the lord .
s.s im sorry u hated going to nursing home and havin a heart aches , now ure confuse about bringin him home and care for him . it might do u some good to be able to spend extra more time with him at home than in nh . but then again it might not be good , causes more heart ache to watch him at home . i keep my dad home so i know whats going on . he dont get the lovin care at nh theyre all strangers to him and its just a paycheck for them and they dont love my pa . i tell ya , it is not too bad cuz pa loves to sleep , theres time s he stay up 2 nights in a row starin at the tv , ready for bed pa ? noooo im watching tv ! oh ok ill lay on the couch so u hollar when ure ready for bed . but he never hollars , i wake up 4 am he s still watching tv . gotta go pee pa ? noooooo ready for bed pa ? nooooo . then he is hungry . it is a pleasure to keep him home with me . when he s at rehab i worry sick about him but he comes home im happy but its hell sometimes .
maybe u should bring dad home and it may give u peace of mind . maybe ur dad wants to come home . or it could be the meds hes on to make him zombie ? pa s zombie alot of time when hes in rehab , lay his head on table tryin to eat , makes me so piss . sure they dont feed him ! that man loves to eat and i always try to be there when its time to eat so i can feed him when he s zombie .
need hospital bed and need someone to show u how to do this and how to do that . its realy easy . i learn from my daughters and i have found a diffrent ways and they learn from me .
dont wreck ur brain my friend . do what ur heart tells u . praying for you ..
bobbie glad ya found ya a man with a good hard back woohoo! now he can huff and puff up and down those stairs and sweat in 90 degree weather , oh lala . maybe he ll jump in the pool when the water fills up .
ok dreedin to take pa to hospital tmr for swallowing test , bet he will do a good job and they;ll find nuthing wrong with him . sometimes i think he cough and hack and choke for an attentions but again never know . so test tmr plz .
will ck again later and do some laundry grrrr . xoox
Can't wait to see you on the boat!!!
Focus on the love you have for your mom; nothing else. Please don't dwell so much on what your mom says, as much as your love and devotion to her. She needs you, and trusts you. That's all that matters. I am proud of you for being her angel. Guard your heart, and give it to Jesus. He sees your deeds, and will reward you openly. Take care, sweetie. I'm praying for you and sending hugs!
Hubby said to try not to look too much into it. That she may be okay later in the day. I don't know. God, I feel awful. I was so tired and not the most patient with her last night. I gotta get off here or I'm gonna cry and I want to keep busy. I'll write more later.
love,
miz
I am so sorry. omg that is so sad. we love you Miz, omg.
sux beyond.
She may recognize you tomorrow or you can tease her and try to make her smile.
With one lady at mom's place i literally introduced myself every day.
love you Miz. angels and prayers.
lovbob
I am on my 2nd cup o joe, have already called my 'helper': big guy with strong back $10 an hour, one of the firehouse guys. Good guys in my experience.
going to empty the BASEMENT, finally the BASEMENT. Arg.
going to throw the stuff on the front lawn, save what we can trash the rest and replace the pressure treated lumber that the monster shelves are sitting on. all will be well.
We are 90+ degrees and dry as a bone here right now so good opportunity.
OK now here's the cool stuff:
I keep running across nautical/boat/ship/airplane doo dads.
did I tell you about the anchor? My ass is too kicked to page back and check...
Little plastic anchor on a black thread, like from a happy meal or whatever, right in my path as i walk in to the Shop Rite to get some baby food for mom. 2 days before she died.
Said anchor will hang in pilothouse.
There's more fo those little things but you get it.
I know you caregivers are experiencing the most difficult times in your lives. Vent your hearts out, and just keep communicating. bless your little spleens.
I'm still all over the map but getting better. thanks you guys.
lovbob
Night, all.
I look back with regret. Her son-in-law is very loud and abrupt, to say the least. He spoke about how he knew she was going, because he just went through it with his mom dying to cancer... In retrospect, I was mortified. I hate it when they talk about them in front of them. I try to usher people out into the hallway when they want to talk to me about my dad. It seems so disrespectful, otherwise. Some say, "He can't understand..." But I wonder how much of that is true. Sometimes the way things are handled is incorrect, and not proper. Not decently, or in order. My husband's sister didn't have us holding her hand, and no sweet talk. Just the loud mouth blathering on, with us having driven down 5 hours to get there. Had it been my call, we would have sung hymns, or played soft music, and would have said very nice things to her, regardless of whether I thought she could hear, understand, etc. But I was in my husband's niece's living room, with her upstairs sleeping, and me not even getting a word in edgewise. And they gave her morphine every 3 hours...not natural, and far from peaceful. So Bobbie, I like your ideas better. And I will try to practice them with my dad in the days ahead.
He is being dressed, bathed, and washed, and groomed by CNAs, because he can no longer do these things himself. He can't cut his food, but can still pick up a fork or spoon, and cup. But, he can't tell a joke, and used to love to write and speak poetry. Though ambulatory, he walks slowly, and often with assistance. He wanders in and out of people's room (lost?), or around in circles, seemingly aimlessly. Looking, searching, or...wondering? He is speaking less and less with every passing week. I miss the chattering, even though it hasn't made sense for some time. I miss his smile, which is so fleeting, with few between. I want to go for walks, like we used to, but he declines. I want to push him about in a wheelchair, so he can go out for fresh air and sunshine, but he won't go. He just wants to go to the sofa, and lie down, right in the middle of the hallway, with others sitting about. I can hardly lie down with him, but could pull up a chair. I don't think I'd say much, with numerous demented people about. Power of suggestion may elicit some strange responses. If I spoke out about "going on ahead, or on to heaven...", etc., someone else may take me up on the suggestion. So, I am careful of what I say...most of the time. Sometimes I regret my interaction with the staff. It's different than being with someone in their own home. We are usually sitting at a table in the dining room, with wanderers in and out, or others eating there. I can't talk to dad like I would if we were in his own space.
I just want to talk to him, but don't know what to say sometimes. I ask him questions, but he just stares. Why? On Father's Day, I told him, "I love you, Dad." I repeated this several times. No reaction. Did he not hear me? I sat there, looking searchingly into his eyes. I just want to grab him, throw him into my car, and drive away with him. I hate him being there. O, how I hate it more and more every day. But, when I think about all the logistics, it stops me cold, and makes me sooooooo sad. I think of hiring someone, getting a hospital bed, calling hospice, etc. This buzzes around my brain often. I hate the inconsistent staffing, and the thought of strangers getting paid to care for him. But...but...but...ugh! My brain hurts, because this recycles in my head continuously. Life ebbs and flows. There are sunrises, and sunsets. He is in the latter stage of Alzheimer's.
I should take some pictures of me and him. I could talk about them, and tell him how he impacted my life. At least it would give me something to talk about, other than, "How are you today?" Or listening to the nurse say, "He threw up yesterday." Gee, thanks for sharing... Then I come home and cry.
Went to a political debate tonight. 5 of 6 State Rep candidates there. Still, I thought of dad. I'm alive, and so is he, but not very active. I just miss him being...dare I say? Alive. I miss him working on a goal, or sharing a laugh. I can't remember the last time he laughed. I think it was April :( OK, I better go to sleep, since I'm being so melancholy.
Tomorrow's another day. I hope I have something more uplifting to report tomorrow. Maybe I'll tell you more about the debate, which was interesting.
Miz, love you, too. And Bobbie, and lhardebeck, and Austin, and Pirategal, and KelleyBean, and Rephil (miss you), and Pamela, and dtflex (where is she?), and... Wishing we were on the boat. Bobbie, every time I'm by the docks, I find myself hoping you're there. Perhaps someday. I'll run down. Hope it's soon. Sorry for those I forgot to mention, as it wasn't intentional. So glad you're all here. Thanks for reading to my ramblings, and for your support.
Bobbie, wonderful idea to pray for their comfort and peace. You're an angel.
Hugs, everyone.
bobbie, that looks like some really good stuff to share with us. You're so good and kind to do that. Such caring and compassion.
Went to the funeral today. The wonderful lady was only 67 years old and seemed more like 50. It rained like the dickens. Flooding in the streets and all. I'm so glad I went. My friend was grateful for my support. It's true that doing the right thing even if you don't really wanna is the best thing and sometimes the hardest thing to do. Was so exhausted when I got home and got a little nap. I'm major PMSing and not very patient right now. Wish I could get over this woe is me s*&$. Hubby mowed the neighbors lawn this morning so that's a good sign.
See yas tomorrow. Love yas!!
miz
now this is something i gotta do just like u did . ill sit there and be thinkin of you and what you have said .
you write very good and pour ur heart out real good . youre a blessing !! and am so glad to get to know you . YOU are so speical !
am so glad u went over to ur friend s house and chowed down .
youre right people are suppose to bring you a dish or 2 so u can eat .
but who in heck wanna eat ? when my mom passed away 20 yrs ago , i tried to eat ugh there s no taste to it . no desire to eat . blahhhhhh
i feel like i dont need to get the eleventh hr book , cuz i have you . im learning what youre going thru and i believe im gonna do what you just did . youre my book !! :-) when i get on i always look for ur name and read it first .
ok sis in law just pop in at yahoo . gonna chit chat with her .
ill keep u guys posted about dad s visit to dr . goodnite sailors , xoxo
Home from my appts of the day. Spanked.
Friend invited me to dinner at her house and at first I was all man, I'm beat, blah blah and then I remembered that I'm not eating and I said yo, I'll be there.
it made me think that back in the day when someone died, people would just show up and put something in your freezer with a note: 350 for an hour... and people did the covered dish thing.
That was the first thing to go, my appetite and then you're not taking care of yourself and then you start to feel like sh!! and you feel lik sh!! anyway simply because of what's going on: picking out a casket... the arrangements.
I think we're getting closer to another and I'm just going to say this without preamble and I mean absolutely no disrespect to anyone or their belief system.
Some of these beloved people are getting ready to die and that is what you're observing. The physical shut down of different senses and they will begin to literally appear as if they are standing in both worlds, for in a sense they are.
bkbooks.com don't wait and don't be scared.
I just did it and you all got me through it and now it's going to happen again in a few weeks, months or whenever and we're all going to get through it together but we can learn from each other, just like we learned caregiving by ourselves and from each other.
Had I those books I would have handled things differently. All the way from saving mom and me stress and saving $. No kidding.
I am coming to peace that mom isn't suffering anymore and those of you who have already been there understand what I mean. She died with dignity and in the most organic way with as much peace and love that we could create. I miss her like crazy and am beginning to understand that mom is 'safe and sound' cause Jesus has got this handled, and it is time to take care of me for a minute. Maybe I'll come in handly with something else. You never know.
And here's what I learned about the praying:
Pray they don't suffer.
Pray that you can keep enough food in their stomachs that their insides don't hurt. they'll be hard to feed and you'll need patience and some help.
when you change them out because they won't be able to help themselves at all, don't make stinky noises and be disgusted, just knock it around with them like: These are a very attractive color. Very Southwestern.
Keep interacting and there will come a time when the responses will slowly go away. With mom I had her grip on my hand. She was holding me tight all the way to the end. Everybody will be different in how they progress through these stages, but there are stanges non the less. Hospice nurses are amazing because they witness this process so much and can usually give you good comfort in just know that you're doing ok helping this person die.
i would just sit there and hold mom's hand and put my head on the bed next to her. Get a comfy chair and make the room pretty.
make sure you call good friends and have a 'party' if you can pull it off because i know how tired you all are.
Get people to come up and say goodbye.
Of course if your loved one starts shouting 'Get the F outta here!!', best to sh!!can that idea....
Pray that you can lie there with them and hold them when they go so they die at peace in the arms of someone who loves them.
Pray that you will have the courage to hold them long enough so some idiot doesn't code a 90 year old lady who's going to die in two days instead of today. Coding on old people really hurts them, but if they're laying there and are developing red spots on their bodies even when they are being turned every 2 hours, when the breathing changes, they become more and more unresponsive, mouth will start to hang open and you can see it coming. And it must come.
Pray for it to come in peace.
The lady in the books compares it to a labor. you are helping them through a physical labor just like when they were born. Good way to see it and they can hear you so you tell them all the good stuff.
Tell them that everything is taken care of, they have no worries, You love them, if you have to go, you go on ahead. I wish you would stay here and play with me. I love you so much and you are still safe and sound.
Right after her 'death grimace' My mom's head turned toward me and she had a little smile, and she slowly closed her eyes. no kidding.
Don't be alarmed because all people/bodies go through what is called a 'death grimace'. With mom, she opened her eyes real wide and before I read the books I thought she looked scared, but it's simply the 'death grimace' everybody gets one. now there's a coffee table book.....omg.
remember, some stuff is still going to be funny to me. I can't help it. gotta bear with me and don't forget that this is the GROSSED OUT Thread!!!
I have been writing this off and on all day and now I'm back from my friend's dinner and I can feel myself getting stronger.
ok Ladies,
Please don't forget that i'm coming to get you. I need to be goal oriented and you guys are my goal. on the boat. baby.
This will post and then I'll have to catch up on everybody else's day.
lovbob
Yes, the devil is putting in some overtime.
He knows his time is short, but we've read the end of the BOOK & we know how it ends for him and all the wicked.
Hang on sis.
I'm feeling like Orphan Annie these days. I have this longing to call my mom or sister, but neither are trustworthy; in fact, far from it. I "accidentally" got a doctor's letter in the mail (for my mom) recently, to a Endocrinology, Diabetes, & Metabolic Bone Disease Specialist's office. I am considering calling her PG to see what's up. I am tempted to call mom, but just thinking about calling her causes great anxiety. Saw her at an outdoor concert this weekend, and wanted to flee (so I retreated). Don't know if she saw me. I have to mail her some paperwork soon, so we'll have contact regarding my dad. I'd love to know what is going on with my mom, but can't take the punishment involved with contact. That's even sadder than what's going on with my dad. I do pray things were different. So much damage has been done, and I really don't know how to handle it, emotionally. Hence, numb zone. I simply don't know how I'm supposed to react to this dysfunctional family. No one else I know acts like them. Ugh!
I got a nasty email from my sister the other day, following one by someone who hacked into my gmail account, sending a Viagra link to all my contacts, including my Pastor. How humiliating and infuriorating, but also kind of funny. My sister demanded, "Why would you send us that?" I replied that I didn't. Should have just left her guessing. Ironic that some idiot would choose to discredit a Christian in that fashion. What a crude and wicked world! Wonder what my other "friends" thought when they received it? Actually, I warned a couple. My State Police friend laughed, but his wife didn't think it was so funny, and made him apologize. Satan really is a creep! I was horrified to know that email went out to my buddies. On the other hand, it did kind of make me laugh (while cringing). The devil has a whacked sense of humor.
errie feeling , feeling sad and griefing for the happy dad u once had ,
then i think why are they still livin even tho theire mind is shuttin down . sad sad situations .
pa woke up and his pee smelling stroinger than ever , amoniea smell . glad he s going to dr tmr at 9 am . get him cked out . fearin its uti again .
he s real slow today , still eating bfast , usualy he woofs down on bfast but today nah he s real slow . thats ok , take ur time pa . :-(
i hate that thinking and feelings we all are having . headin for more sader times .
lord give us strenght and for our parents who s not feeling good . amen
Hugs & prayers. This may be a good time to pray with your dad. Hold his hand and lend support. "If any two agree in prayer.....". He may be trying to distance himself to protect you from his internal battles. Stay close and hang on dear sister. Make sure all your armor is on before you pray with him. Be prayed up yourself first.
God be with you.
once again I am so sorry for all that you have to endure.
Describe to me what your dad is doing with his fingers...?
SS, I don't want to alarm you but maybe you should get those books i referenced:
gone from my sight
the eleventh hour.
I wished that I had had them for mom. They will bring you (believe it or not) peace.
Hello to all...crazy day ahead and will check in later.
lovbob
I saw my dad today, in the dining room. He wouldn't eat, except two bites of applesauce. He wouldn't talk, or anything. He seems so strange to me. I can't put my finger on it, but it's like he's mad or something. De'javu on that feeling. It is becoming increasingly uncomfortable to go visit. I'm doing all the work to reach him, it seems. No smile. No communication. And he just gets up from the table and walks away, down to the hallway sofa, and goes to sleep. Not good. I am just in shock, and numb by his behaviors. He's grinding his teeth back and forth (gnashing?), and doing weird things with his fingers. And he's wandering about, confused. I've seen the decline in others, and I don't want to see my dad go through all that. He will, though. I keep thinking, "I miss my dad," (even though he's still alive). What an eerie feeling. I can scarce desribe all this.
And I went to Probate today, to review his accounting. It was nitpicked apart, so they sent me home to contact the company who's providing his annuities. They're demanding exact values. Another setback...in the endless appeasement process. Numb about all that, too. And I'm feelin like a hostage by it. Ahhhhhh! They don't understand, and keep asking the same question a gazillion times. That person drives me to argue. Won't listen to me or hubby, but demands we cater to her system, even though the annuity doesn't work that way! And they expect I comply. Kinda reminds me of things going on...elsewhere.
i dont think im going to take any steriod , gonna soak in bathtub full of proxide , i heard its good for ur skin . and get liquid bandaid an doc myself up . smother em ! i realy dig and scratch em ,
hope ur patio sets comes in real soon . shall enjoy em before the leaves starts fallin .
pa s lazy today , so was i , guess thats a good thing , need to build my strenght back , am still worn out from camping . itch itch ..
god bless you all , xoxo