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hi there . daughter came by and had 2 grandkids here . i thought mm no break for me , they didnt stay long and what i do , hop on this and catch up on my reading . pa tried to poop only a lit bit come out . daughter said that yogurt will stop him from poopin . i thought it helps to poop. daughter said he needs deposiory well poop is right there so i dont know about cramin that up in him . i laid him in bed and had him do leg excersise and move his butt around lift this that etc . he fell sleep . that wore him out . poor guy ! i told him he needs to tuck tummy in and out , excersise thos belly . then it hit me , maybe his tummy quit workin and he s on his way out ? but he still eats and loves to eat . gotta keep trying , told him we need to go see his doc about it he says nooooooooooo. he hate sgoing to dr . cuz he knows what they want from him so he says nooooooo. gonna feed him his fruit for lunch and hopefuly it ll work . i tried almost everything and poop come sout just a lit bit and hard too . i had to scoop it out ! dont want him in hospital , he did that few yrs ago and man it was a nightmare , thats one of other reason why he says noooooooo. fruit till he craps it all out ? i readthat asprain will make his poop tary hard . and im gonna quit givin him asprain for a while starting today . :-( come on poop !!!
SS as far as moving your dad into your home, it's a great idea if you have a LIVE IN caregiver. There is no way on god's green and Oily Earth that i would have been able to handle that on my own.
Mom was small but I still wouldn't have been able to turn her and change her alone.
Your dad will get to the point when he can no longer get out of bed and he will have to be turned every few hours. sara got up in the middle of the night to turn mom, bless her.
With all due respect to the agencies advertising here, I would contact an instructor of CNAs and Hospice nurses and ask them for the best folks they had in their classes. I tried to communicate with some of the agencies but their rules and regs didn't fit for mom and me. We literally wanted someone to become a member of our family while this was happening and that is what Sara gave us.
the financial aspect is insane. Live ins in NJ through agencies go for about 6,000 a month. Sara was here for 2 weeks and i wrote a check for 1300.00 and tried to give her more but she wouldn't take it, no kidding.
If Dad is at home you will need a LOT of help because everything will begin to stop for him but he will need a lot of help to keep him clean and fed so he's not in pain. It can take a long time to feed a dying person because they don't want to eat. They are separating from this world and letting go of food is a sure sign. We kept feeding mom baby food and stuff like that so her insides wouldn't hurt. It could take an hour or more just to get a little dish of rice pudding in. Kozy Shack rice pudding. get it in the dairy aisle. Feed them whatever they want. ice cream, chocolate... just break it up and put it on their tongue. Moms eyebrows would go up when she tasted something good.
Linda! What's up with pa today? I know you're worried. Miz? How's mom? I've been thinking about Pooh also because she just lost her nana.
OK... first the books. I read them all. They're booklets actually. The Eleventh hour will tell you EXACTLY what you and your loved one will experience while they are in the hours and minutes leading to death.
Gone From My sight is for the one to three months before death.
The other 2, A time to live: living with a life threatening illness and My Friend , I care which is about grief are both wonderful sources of info.
The author says that these are 'guidelines', but according to my experience with my mom, they are damn good guidelines.
I would order them all. I think around 12 bucks including shipping. These little books will remove so much stress from us the caregivers. Like i mentioned earlier I wish that I had had 'Gone from My sight' and the 'Eleventh Hour' before mom died. Not to be selfish but these booklets would have saved me from my terrors of worrying about doing the right thing. As it turned out, I did exactly the right thing.
The above statement is how I express my belief in God. How would I know what to do unless guided by a force beyond my comprehension? I am lucky because I don't have a lot of the additional stresses some of you have with the 'noise' of sibs that are clueless, etc. That 'noise' can keep you from hearing that little voice that is God.
Conclusion? Get all the books. they're worth it and when you guys have crossed that bridge you know for sure that there will be someone else who will need them. Like the lady on the boat who gave these to me. I was all no no, it's cool, etc etc. but she insisted and left the boat and went to her condo to pick these up specifically for me because someone had given them to her after her husband died. how kind and thoughtful. I was amazed at the information and her sweet heart.
SS: ok the APS. Firstly, my situation is different than yours because i am an only child so I don't have the idiot sis and brat that you are dealing with.
A person with dementia can be a real pinhead. They gravitate towards the people who are telling them that they're OK, etc etc and that is what the mean people (that never showed up to the funeral) were doing to my mom for the first 2+ years of this experience and that is what your sister is doing to your mom. She's probably telling her that 'you're ok, etc etc' and SS, the one who knows the score is thrown to the side.
It's not really that your mom is too dumb to see it but she's too SICK to see it and that's where this gets dicey. She's declared incompetent and you have to get back control.
I'm going to line out a few scenerios. You pick what might work for you.
The courts system is worthless in most of these situations so I think I'd back a U haul up to your fam home and empty that sucker and hide it. Sure it pisses you off but hey, you can see what's going on. Turn the heat down in the house to about 50 so the sheetrock won't crack and open all the cupboard doors that have plumbing (kitchen sink, etc) so the ambient heat will keep them from freezing. (If this situation lasts through winter)
One way or another i'd get me some man help and load that truck and call it a day with that BS. Store it somewhere and if they gripe just tell them that you won't turn them in to the police for stealing the silver and antiques and we'll just call it even go F yourself.
Another one is that you may need to file a protective order against your sister and go after her HARD because she is hurting your mom. Like I said, the courts sux, but you can get 'on record' for these illegal practices your greedy sis is up to.
Your mother and father's assets are for THEIR CARE, not for some brat to be spending it in FL. THIS IS THE POINT THAT EVERYBODY SEEMS TO MISS: The parents' assets are to be spent on the best care that those assets can provide.
If that means selling the silver to provide 2 months of skilled nursing home care well there you go. With that in mind you can see why what your sis and her spawn are doing is ILLEGAL. You, SS can respond accordingly. Call the cops on them.
Just remember you can't have it both ways. Can't empty the house and call cops. One or the other.
Your mother is incompetent to look after her own welfare, you sister is committing a crime by stealing from her mother and if you want this to truly stop you go and make so much noise about it and take the control back. That will involve a lot of energy and they are trying to see you as the bad guy and you will have to be calm, sane and have ice water flowing in your veins to pull this off.
My experience with APS was actually kind of amusing. The mean lady called them on me when they (mean lady and fam) began to realize that what they thought was the 'gravy train' had left the station without them.
My mom was in her bookstore and I wasn't there at the time. Mom still had enough snap to be alone in her store (I was next door in that big building probably working on something that was leaking) and this lady strolled in, asked mom what her name was and that there had been a complaint filed about 'your daughter' and asked if mom was ok. Mom saw through it thankfully and didn't come to get me because in the condition I was in at that time I probably would have handed the APS lady her ass and then lost control of the situation.
Here's where mom and I were VERY lucky. Mom realized in an instant that if she complained about me to this woman, the State would step in and all would be lost. thank God above for that particular instant of clarity. Mom was cool as a cucumber and the lady grilled her for a good half hour and mom didn't flinch and told the APS lady that I was doing a good job.... then ran to tell me what happened. i said see? You tell me MY mouth will get us in trouble... you watch what YOU say. Of course she'd forget and talk smack about me every now and again after that but everybody 'that mattered' saw what was going on and how happy my mom was getting her little bookstore jumping and her house all prettied up.
This is the #1 reason, SS, that our situations are so totally different. You have snakes in your family and your mom has no moments of clarity that tell her she is getting screwed, about to get screwed or is doing the screwing.
That's why my heart goes out to you on a moment by moment basis. You are never far from my thoughts because i know how hard it was for me and I got some breaks and you are not getting any and I praise you for handling what you handle.
As far as being stolen from here's my story: All my Wedding Silver is gone, our massive coin collection is gone, cash, all the silver from the buffett in the dining room, I could go on but what's the point. Angry about it? omg. my fault. i didn't remove it and mom hid most of it on me so i couldn't help and it just disappeared bit by bit: construction guys coming across it while working on the house or building mostly. Believe me I have rooted through that entire old building with mom at my side saying: I don't know.... it could be here..... 11,000 sq ft of old plaster walls and hidey holes and it could be here.....I am still amazed that I'm not institutionalized.
The c#n! lady was responsible for a lot of the crap and that is a piece of unfinished biz that I will handle this coming week. She drove mom around to a bunch of different banks, etc and when she could clearly see what was going on as far as the dementia was concerned she did not step up and help me find the assets needed to care for my mom. She came to see mom while mom was dying and when mom died I called her and she made the phone call about herself and what she did to 'help mom' etc. typical . Since then, no phone call, no card no show at the services with two opportunities timewise. That one gets a lawyer too because i need to find the safe deposit boxes and this sna!ch knows where they are.
I would not worry about APS they have no power I never got a follow-up after that witch came to my house it turns out she was not a social worker only a case worker she had no right being there but I did report her to social service and a report was made against her and followed up with if APS comes to your home tell them to leave and do not answer any of their questions-I wish I had known this at the time,
You're hardly a windbag, Bob321, and I'm appreciative. I want to hear more about your APS story, what they did, what you did, and how to handle said mess.
I'm in a somewhat similar situation, and the people perpetrating the claims and false accusations about me are profiting $$$$ from it with my mom's money. And she's too dumb to see it. I am about ready to blow the whistle. Mom's given one woman a key to my dad and mom's house 200 miles away. WT...!? I'm so outraged by this whole scenario for several reasons. The sharks are swarming, because dad can't defend himself, and they put an intentional major legal wedge between mom and me. That's elder abuse, both financial and emotional, except they are accusing me of it (and profiting off mom!). The gall of some people. I will be consulting with yet another attorney, and my friend who happens to be State Police detective. The courts are useless! So, don't know if a Protective Order will work, or file charges with police downstate, or sue family for my inheritance, which they stole behind my back, with the help of mom's new guardian, who, btw is not known for honesty in the public arena. I was advised to move everything out of the house a while back, and my hubby was against it. Why pay for storage when an empty heated house held everything? My attorney told mom's PG that I needed to be there for the initial Inventory. Instead, nephew walked in and was handed $$$$$$$$$ of dollars worth of silver. More than two of everything, which should have gone to sis and me. Sis's son "wanted" it, according to mom, and she was only too willing to give the college boy, (who's many thousands of $$$$$$$$ in debt) what should have been the next of kin's (me) inheritance. So he's going on cruises, partying in Florida, and racking up the student loans. Mom's dementia and Personality Disorders sees nothing wrong with handing over to him valuable antiques and silver. The kid doesn't even ever visit her! Yet, she used us for 3 years to manipulate us, and use our own money meeting her insatiable needs. I saw it as "helping her," and she saw an opportunity. WOW! I got blindsided, by her, her "friends," my sister, and her son. I am trying to digest this, and that is so very difficult for me.
Also, mom was neglectful and abusive of/towards her husband, and I'm so glad I was able to move him away from her. The stupidest thing I did was move her closer to me. But at the time, I had no idea she was using me, and plotting her revenge.
Poetic Justice: Dad's Army Story: He and his buddy were walking on the beach (he was stationed in Hawaii). There were two girls on said beach. Dad said he flipped a coin, and lost. Translation: he married the coin flip, and lost BIG TIME. I heard that story retold to numerous listeners, all my life. I always hated it, but have a greater appreciation for it now. I always thought it was rude and disrespectful towards my mom, but now know the truth. His life was hell with her. They did their share of partying, though. More poetic justice: he spent every cent of her sizable inheritance, leaving her with major debt. I was mad, but have to laugh a little now. Did he know what he was doing? Was he planning and plotting revenge? OK, enough conspiracy for one night.
My sister and my life were in survival mode growing up with Mommy Dearest. Sis told me stories that enraged and enlightened me. Not only was dad's life hell, but ours were doubly so, because he was rarely home, and mom was an out-of-control drug addict and alcoholic. Dad was only home long enough to change clothes and sleep. He escaped into work, clubs, organizations, and Playboy magazines. And now he's escaped into Alzheimer's. I really don't know what to say to him. They caused us to live a lie. I do love him, and am thankful for these last days with him, but...many things will have to be left unsaid. No use dredging up the ugly past. I'm a new creature, and thank God, not where I was. And I feel pitifully sorry for dad. His disease has really stirred my compassions, and I feel very protective of him. Doing the best I can there. I contemplate bringing him to my house...which would really anger some family. Now that would be very poetic.
Bobbie, I'd really need to know how you dealt with APS. The only wind I see is in your sails.
Hey Maxine... I'll come and get you and you can sit your poor tired body down and float along with us all. June 26 I hope you get on with us and let us know how you're doing.
thanks Bobbi and SS and all for your kindnesses.
SS I know you hurt so much and what happened to you and what is happening now is wrong. The issue is time. Time is something you don't really have a lot of right now with your dad so say it even if it's wierd. It won't make much sense now but it will in about 5-10 years (maybe not even that long) I am so at peace with the death of my mom because we Dr. Phil'd all our stuff out. We had a bad bad time in the beginning of the process and I had horrible images in my head of her meaness and me being vindictive and mean back.
I don't like myself that way. i don't want to be always upset at someone or something. That's why i walked away from all that $ with the building/bookstore because it just wasn't worth it to live that way in that crappy town. Chuck that Farley.
In the beginning mom and her 'friends' said so many mean things and Adult Protective was called on me and it all made my life Hell for the first 2-3 years of caregiving. In addition to all of the construction I was doing that was breaking my body.
I heard this quote awhile back: Your opinion of me is none of my business.
I decided about then to not give a sh!! about what people thought about me or said about me. I just did my job. I worked on mom's building and her house. She gained weight and got better and better and she began to not be so mean. There was one lady that is just an absolute cu#! and mom would always act out in a mean way after they had hung out together though.
The other awful people is a family with 4 girls and a mean mom (mean to me) She's the one who called APS. mom was in the throes of dementia and said bad stuff about me to them and I heard from the mouth of one of the little girls that "You were stealing your mother's money and the cops had to straighten you out."
When Nik and Heather and I were reopening mom's bookstore upstairs in these amazing old law Offices not one of these people came to help or even stop by when we were open and mom was there every day. It turned out beautifully and one day we'll look at pictures.
OK here's the kicker: NONE of these people, one a family with 4 adopted girls that my mom helped happen financially (the Adoption) and the cu#! lady showed up for my mom's Services. Fri nite viewing and Sat service. Neither had the Ba!!s to face me but they did obviously have the indecency to disrespect my mom after all she had done for them.
Have to draw a line through their names. I do have legal biz with the fam because they have not returned papers that mom gave to them to 'safeguard' and when they learned that mom had dementia they still didn't step up and do the right thing so guess what. Lawyer time.
Remember a little while ago when I was talking about my aunt/birthmother? Well, I have drawn a line through her name. It is final. I choose not to be upset or hurt by her therefore she is gone. I walked away from $ there too. they wanted to leave me their house and stuff and so what? I don't want anybody's stuff. Chuck that Farley 2.
I'd rather live on a boat on a mooring somewhere on the cheap and not put up with it. Screw it.
How can you get over it all SS? Draw a line through a name. Stick to it. REALLY think it over and when you have made a decision, stick to it and forget it. It can be really hard to forgive but you work at it and do it. You just put that stuff in a little compartment and take it out and look at it once in a blue moon and the rest of the time, screw it. A lot of people suck and some of the ones we're related to can REALLY suck.
Tell your daddy that you love him because the other stuff just doesn't matter anymore. The closure you're looking for you are going to have to provide for yourself. Not fair, I know.
we can all tell you love him very very much by the way you write about him.
It's the time issue. You don't want to have worked all of this out after he is gone because that will make you nuts.
You are a good kid, SS and you are a good daughter.
You are such a kind caring person taking care of your Dad and grandchildren also and I love reading your post s you have such a nice way about and am so glad you are part of this group you are an inspiration for all of us may God give you extra strength.
austin ..yes that was me i mention steroid . my dr doesnt like me on it either . says its hard on ur liver . but man they are nice , pain goes away and then u feel so full of enegery , zoom zoom . :-) it gets worst when you come down from it . lazy and hurt all over again .
boy oh boy 3 grandkids whew lord i tell you they kept me going all day . 4 yrs old 3 yrs old and a 7 months old , 2 girls 1 boy , theyre a pleasure and such a darling , i got the kiddy pool out and they had a blast . i sure couldnt wait for thier mommy and daddy to come . i had them 9 hrs . told my daughter in law shes one hellva woman , lol
i felt bad for not giving pa attention . he s in bed now just dont feel good . am hoping tmr i ll get him out of the house and go for a joyride . all he wants to do is sleep , eat ,sleep. makes me want to get that book the eleventh hr bobbie321 mentioned . maybe im wrong ? i try to hurry and read every one s news today , bobbie i love reading yours . u always makes me smile . you make me feel like im on that barbara bee s boat ! i hope im spelling her name right .
Someone said something about steriods boy do they give me energy I would stay on them forever but my arthrities doc will not let me SS you put it so well about heaven when our pastor said we would be working in heaven another nurse and I both said no we want to sit on a cloud and eat cholate but seriously I can not wait to get rid of this old painful body, When I go for walks I talk to my friends who have gone ahead and tell them I have to sit and rest from time to time unlike them I am still draging this hurting body around I am so happy my husband believed in and loved The Lord after all those years of pain and suffering. I try to live each day as it is my last none of us are promised a tomarrow won't it be a joy to be in his presence. June 26 will be one year since God called the husband home. God bless you all esp. those who love and know God-he has many mansions and I believe he has one for the caregivers,
I remember when they first dignosed my mom with alzheimer's they had told me to put a lock on my fence and make sure up put a lock up high on the doors. Well I put a lock on my fence and at this time I was still working so when I got home a neighbor came and told me they saw her climb over the fence. It is about a 4ft. wooden fence and I have tried to climb over it and can't. She was trying to get back in the house. Forget about the back door. I wish I could have seen that.
Bobbie321, I saw some absolutely beautiful post cards of MI yesterday, and the Great Lakes. I wanted to send them to you so bad. If I had your address, I would, too! Would love to see the Barbara B navigate those waters, and give you a huge hug!
I just don't know what to do with my feelings of betrayal by my mother, sister and sister's son. They seem satisfied to spread lies, hate, and steal my inheritance. That they so rarely see my dad bothers me, too. How can people behave so??? I feel sorry for my dad, but he gets to escape through Alzheimer's. How do I escape?
Bobbie321, Thank you for your words of comfort. They are as salve to my soul. I am trying to absorb all you wrote.
I don't know what to say to my dad. We struggled almost all my life. He has no idea of my struggles, so I just take them to God. Dad was too busy, distracted, and struggling, himself. Mom made things hell for all of us. The anger I'm feeling right now is towards her. She has done me real wrong, publicly, in the past couple years, and I didn't know it. I was literally blindsided, while trying to be a good daughter, and "help" her. My sister turned out to be as wicked as her, and both are selfish, backstabbing, plotters, who have done me great evil. I am not processing this very well. Distance helps, but I am still in shock, realizing those I've loved have been, and are so wicked. And I believe they are jealous that I have a daily relationship with my dad. Mom rarely visits her husband. The nurses say she doesn't stay long.
Bob, damn you're good. My heart goes out to all of you. There are two books that I would like to recommend. The first is a book called "Death and Dying" by Elizabeth Kubler Ross, the other is called "Mourning Song" unfortnatley I can't remember the auther's name. Both books deal with this subject in an excellent manner. I read them both as a yong woman. They helped me to understand not only the process that the patient goes through, but also the process that families go through when faced with impending loss. Bob is right, as the body starts to shut down you will see a decreased intake first of food, and then liquids. This is because the body is no longer able to process them. As hard as this subject is to face, the more we know, the more we can move forward.There are many phases to grief, denial, anger, barganing and hopfully, acceptance. Hang in there all. I know it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it hurts....again, love, prayers and hugs to all.
It's the anticipatory grief my loving sister. Your dad is getting closer and you are coming to realize it.
Shock and Numbness are number 1 anger and bitterness will fade as quickly as you let it because what's coming now is going to be very very real. You literally cherish the moments you have. I do want to tell you that if he's up and moving around to get himself to the dining room you should have some time!
Don't choke back tears. cry your heart out because you have to. I cried with my mom because we knew what was coming and we didn't get all wrist slitting nuts but we did hold each other and cry and then as her time got closer I just sat there in a chair holding her hand and napping with my head on the bed with her. When I would start to get real blubbery I would just leave that part of the house and cry into my pillow.
The less anger you have in your heart for anything when it all goes down the better you will feel afterwards. Because there is an afterwards for us, the caregivers. I learned that what I thought was anger was actually grief and that helped me a lot. Losses come in many forms: lousy sibs, you lose out on a great sibling relationship; mean mom, you lose out on the loving mom deal, you name it and if we perceive it as a loss we're going to get angry and then grieve for it. The two can be confusing to us sometimes. as we move between our own worlds of anger, denial, etc etc.
when they become less and less responsive they are just getting ready to make the journey. they won't want to eat so that's why your dad tucking it in is a great sign and you hang on to that and be happy that you still have some time.
Say what you've got to say now. that's something you don't wait for. Tell him how much you love him over and over and how happy you are that he is your dad. Maybe it won't look like he's responding but he will hear you and it will make him feel good and peaceful.
this sux. no way around it and this will happen. No way around that either.
I will tell you Sailors that you are the very people that have helped me so much it's hard to truly express it. I am grateful and thankful daily for this site and this crew. We indeed have a fine crew.
We're going to be here for you Anne. Don't you ever forget that.
For those of us who feel that they are 'getting close', let the rest of us know so we can send our hearts out to you.
Just keep writing and venting SS and getting it out. We're all here for you.
When it gets too intense, close your eyes and think about the boat because I'm coming to get you.
Jolly J, you sound like a loving Caregiver! Thanks for joining us on these threads. I can relate to a lot of what you say. I'm watching my dad succumb to Alzheimer's more every day. Ugh! :(
I know I am brand new to this forum (thanks for the welcomes!) and certainly no expert on any of this. I only know from the experience with my daddy (Alzheimer's) that the end, while extremely painful for him and us, was a blessing. We knew he would be in heaven because he had already lived through hell with the Alzheimer's. That said, it has been 22 years and I still can't sing How Great Thou Art because it was his favorite song.
I know God is watching over us. A few months back, Daddy told me in a dream that Mom wouldn't be able to be left alone forever. As it turns out, no one realized it but she had fallen and broken a rib. Now, over the last couple months, things have fallen into place so that I could leave my job and bring her to live with me. She is my job now and I'm happy for it and I'm sure the Lord had a hand in it all. I dread the end and yet I welcome it for her because she has been waiting so long to be with Daddy. She mentions it every day - just waiting for the Lord to take her. Now if she just wasn't so darn healthy! :)
Even being with her 24x7, she has still manage to do something to her left thumb and it is swollen. Not badly enough that she is complaining, nor does she want any medicine for it (she takes no meds at all), but I can't help wondering how in the world she did it???? She can't remember so I guess I'll just go with the flow and keep an eye on it.
Thanks, godhelpus. Not sure about designated tasks, but I'll be one of those with both hands raised in the air, saying Praise the Lord!
Down here, though...different story. Just came from the nursing home. Dad was up, and had eaten a good lunch, late. He's been sleeping through the regular meal times. He's also refusing meds. Some don't know the others have been crushing them. Some lab results came back from yesterday, and he has elevated BUN levels. The RN told me this indicates the beginnings of kidney failure. Every day, it seems there is something new to add to my share of grief and feelings of impending loss. He is just not the same guy. His eyes don't sparkle, and he can't respond very well, at all. He did manage to indicate he needed a kleenex, as I saw a very wet upper lip, and him trying to get my attention. He can not ask for them as you an I would. My dad used to write poetry. Now, I am. Often, I find myself choking back tears.
Heaven's looking sweeter all the time. There, we will never have to say goodbye, and there, no disease. O, how I long for release, some days. Sorry to sound so melancholy; it's just that things are pressing in, and I am feeling like escaping. Don't know why, but my emotions are extremely intense lately. Wierd. Feel like I'm going to explode, or the dam's about to burst. I've been feeling shock and numbness, and acute emotional pain. Anticipatory grief? Bitterness? Anger? I don't know. It doesn't feel good at all.
Miz, Use a sock full of oatmeal & sqwish in the tub. The solids will stay in the sock & not too much of a mess to clean up after. (Disposable sock / stocking). The more you sqwish the better. The longer you soak the better.
SS, AMEN to that. You are on fire for our Lord. Thanks. I'm ready anytime God is too. Some days more than others. Hubby and I would like to be park rangers in His kingdom but He knows which assignment is best for us. Maybe gardeners?
Bob321, I would greatly appreciate ANY words you may have to bless us with regarding the last hours / days. I have not been exposed to any of that and would love any knowledge I can get up front. I seem to be finding out the caregiver stuff after the fact and I've learned so much here just in the past few weeks. Maybe a thread dedicated to endings? And another to grief? I come from a small family with huge gen. gaps. I haven't experienced children or cargiving other than pets. Things ended badly with dad and I don't want it go that way with mom. Been at this for 11 yrs. now with mom & still feel inept at times. I understand the hurdles get closer together as we go, but I would like a blueprint. I've always been efficient and in control before & now I'm not. The inevitable will happen but knowledge is key and I am a sponge. Thank you, Thank you.
No freaking out here and I'm glad your mom was able to have you in her last days!
Luckily, I worked in a nursing home in the past so I haven't seen anything that has shocked me. My 94 year old mom is not dealing with Alzheimer's as my Daddy did but her mind is wandering away. Most days she knows I am her daughter although she can no longer come up with names. The good thing is, when we put the locks on, she quickly forgot that she was ever able to get into the cabinets.
The Bahamas sound wonderful. Thanks for your nomination. I defer to my husband for the preaching, though I do like to speak the truth in love. And my little one can do the piano music for our hymn sign. He just did his first offeratory at church on Sunday night, and did very well, with his God-given 9 year old talent. Brought tears to my eyes.
I do love the way you write, Bob 321. You have a special gift for encouragement, and humor, and making people feel special. You are a gift. Thanks for your love and friendship. You knit hearts together, and that's amazing. What a treasure you are.
Yes, I was hoping to hear from some who haven't posted here in a while, and wondering about some of those same Caregiving angels, myself. All aboard!!
Welcome Jolly J. what a great name! I just lost my mom and am referencing the experience. Didn't want to freak you out..... read around on this thread. there are some amazing caregivers here with hearts so big and burdens so heavy. they're smart ones too!
My mom regarded any type of seal, lock closed area as a game and she was smart too. She would figure out how to open it. She was not, however, a wanderer at all nor was she interested in imbibing cleaning fliuds. She like to play with my make up and 'things' on the bathroom counter, so It was part of her fun and i didn't want to take her fun away. This thread got started because she came out of the bathroom and I was walking in to brush my teeth and there you go.....
About 4 days before she passed, I gave her one of those plastic kid's bottles with the swirly straw on the outside,and a screw down lid. She took a couple of sips and I turned my back and she had opened it up. i just laughed and said: at least you had the decency to pour it all over your special underwear (Depends). She cracked up. It was a game for her.
OK to answer the thought of a thread about the physical aspect of dying. There's things a dying person/body goes through in the weeks and days and hours leading to death. that's what I'm talking about. Everybody in town was so surprised that I 'knew' that mom was close but that's why she and I worked so hard to get her into her own bed.
I think that it's important to know these things so you can help them make the transistion sweetly and peacefully. That's what I tried to do for my mom.
the lady on the boat (omg what a sweetheart) who had just lost her husband not a year ago and gave me a set of booklets that are very very good. I read the one titled the Eleventh Hour and it spoke exactly of what mom went through the weeks, days, hours leading to her death. I was amazed that all of the steps were there and that I had witnessed them.
I didn't have the book at that time but could have used it to relieve stress. I knew in my gut that she was going and that putting her in the hospital and freaking out would be cruel to her but i paced and worried and prayed that I was making the right decisions and tried to think of what I would want. I think I would want peace and being comfortable and Sara was spectactular at turning mom and patiently feeding her so mom wouldn't hurt on the insides. And keeping her clean and shiny.
I posted here that I didn't think she would last the night and she died 12:10pm having made it through that night.
Miz! didja try the oatmeal?
Linda! how's your pa doing? You recovered from the kids yet?
godhelps! Listen....you are a doll. thank you so much for your words of encouragement on my wall. I do have a set of nards but am also known for making a total Jackass out of myself on a somewhat regular basis
Teristeve... wow, what you have experienced at such a young age and how you coped. amazing. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It really means a lot to me and i truly appreciate it.
SecSis, you know I love you kiddo. You are an angel and a good preacher. I nominate you to do a little service on Sunday mornings while we're moored in the Bahamas. You down?
Pirate! how are you girl?
Where's Pamela
Tennessee? what's going on. Are you ok? where's your daughter? I miss her posts. Maxine don't break your hump out there in the garden. Sit down and enjoy yourself a minute. When exactly is your husband's anniversary? You know we'll be thinking of you. got a lot of respect for you kid.
Olivia! Deef? Who am I missing here.
Would really love to hear from KelleyBean on the thread.
Tennessee, Linda and Kelley: Know the perfect spot for the angel on the boat. Thanks again guys.
SS I know you wanted to know about the Service which was beautiful. Still hard to write about and I get cried out but I'll tell that one in a few days.
It really was beautiful though and the angel was on mom's casket and everybody remarked how beautiful it was.
I am experiencing the 'oh, I've got to tell mom this' sensation. that takes years to go away i learned after my daddy's death.
OK: going back to work on the paperwork to make this all go.
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pa tried to poop only a lit bit come out . daughter said that yogurt will stop him from poopin . i thought it helps to poop. daughter said he needs deposiory well poop is right there so i dont know about cramin that up in him .
i laid him in bed and had him do leg excersise and move his butt around lift this that etc . he fell sleep . that wore him out . poor guy ! i told him he needs to tuck tummy in and out , excersise thos belly .
then it hit me , maybe his tummy quit workin and he s on his way out ? but he still eats and loves to eat .
gotta keep trying , told him we need to go see his doc about it he says nooooooooooo. he hate sgoing to dr . cuz he knows what they want from him so he says nooooooo.
gonna feed him his fruit for lunch and hopefuly it ll work .
i tried almost everything and poop come sout just a lit bit and hard too . i had to scoop it out ! dont want him in hospital , he did that few yrs ago and man it was a nightmare , thats one of other reason why he says noooooooo.
fruit till he craps it all out ? i readthat asprain will make his poop tary hard . and im gonna quit givin him asprain for a while starting today .
:-( come on poop !!!
SS as far as moving your dad into your home, it's a great idea if you have a LIVE IN caregiver.
There is no way on god's green and Oily Earth that i would have been able to handle that on my own.
Mom was small but I still wouldn't have been able to turn her and change her alone.
Your dad will get to the point when he can no longer get out of bed and he will have to be turned every few hours. sara got up in the middle of the night to turn mom, bless her.
With all due respect to the agencies advertising here, I would contact an instructor of CNAs and Hospice nurses and ask them for the best folks they had in their classes.
I tried to communicate with some of the agencies but their rules and regs didn't fit for mom and me. We literally wanted someone to become a member of our family while this was happening and that is what Sara gave us.
the financial aspect is insane. Live ins in NJ through agencies go for about 6,000 a month.
Sara was here for 2 weeks and i wrote a check for 1300.00 and tried to give her more but she wouldn't take it, no kidding.
If Dad is at home you will need a LOT of help because everything will begin to stop for him but he will need a lot of help to keep him clean and fed so he's not in pain. It can take a long time to feed a dying person because they don't want to eat. They are separating from this world and letting go of food is a sure sign. We kept feeding mom baby food and stuff like that so her insides wouldn't hurt. It could take an hour or more just to get a little dish of rice pudding in.
Kozy Shack rice pudding. get it in the dairy aisle. Feed them whatever they want. ice cream, chocolate... just break it up and put it on their tongue. Moms eyebrows would go up when she tasted something good.
Linda! What's up with pa today? I know you're worried.
Miz? How's mom?
I've been thinking about Pooh also because she just lost her nana.
love you guys,
lovbob
Hugs, everyone!
OK... first the books.
I read them all. They're booklets actually.
The Eleventh hour will tell you EXACTLY what you and your loved one will experience while they are in the hours and minutes leading to death.
Gone From My sight is for the one to three months before death.
The other 2, A time to live: living with a life threatening illness and My Friend , I care which is about grief are both wonderful sources of info.
The author says that these are 'guidelines', but according to my experience with my mom, they are damn good guidelines.
I would order them all. I think around 12 bucks including shipping.
These little books will remove so much stress from us the caregivers. Like i mentioned earlier I wish that I had had 'Gone from My sight' and the 'Eleventh Hour' before mom died. Not to be selfish but these booklets would have saved me from my terrors of worrying about doing the right thing. As it turned out, I did exactly the right thing.
The above statement is how I express my belief in God. How would I know what to do unless guided by a force beyond my comprehension? I am lucky because I don't have a lot of the additional stresses some of you have with the 'noise' of sibs that are clueless, etc. That 'noise' can keep you from hearing that little voice that is God.
Conclusion? Get all the books. they're worth it and when you guys have crossed that bridge you know for sure that there will be someone else who will need them. Like the lady on the boat who gave these to me.
I was all no no, it's cool, etc etc. but she insisted and left the boat and went to her condo to pick these up specifically for me because someone had given them to her after her husband died. how kind and thoughtful. I was amazed at the information and her sweet heart.
SS: ok the APS.
Firstly, my situation is different than yours because i am an only child so I don't have the idiot sis and brat that you are dealing with.
A person with dementia can be a real pinhead. They gravitate towards the people who are telling them that they're OK, etc etc and that is what the mean people (that never showed up to the funeral) were doing to my mom for the first 2+ years of this experience and that is what your sister is doing to your mom. She's probably telling her that 'you're ok, etc etc' and SS, the one who knows the score is thrown to the side.
It's not really that your mom is too dumb to see it but she's too SICK to see it and that's where this gets dicey. She's declared incompetent and you have to get back control.
I'm going to line out a few scenerios. You pick what might work for you.
The courts system is worthless in most of these situations so I think I'd back a U haul up to your fam home and empty that sucker and hide it. Sure it pisses you off but hey, you can see what's going on.
Turn the heat down in the house to about 50 so the sheetrock won't crack and open all the cupboard doors that have plumbing (kitchen sink, etc) so the ambient heat will keep them from freezing. (If this situation lasts through winter)
One way or another i'd get me some man help and load that truck and call it a day with that BS. Store it somewhere and if they gripe just tell them that you won't turn them in to the police for stealing the silver and antiques and we'll just call it even go F yourself.
Another one is that you may need to file a protective order against your sister and go after her HARD because she is hurting your mom. Like I said, the courts sux, but you can get 'on record' for these illegal practices your greedy sis is up to.
Your mother and father's assets are for THEIR CARE, not for some brat to be spending it in FL.
THIS IS THE POINT THAT EVERYBODY SEEMS TO MISS: The parents' assets are to be spent on the best care that those assets can provide.
If that means selling the silver to provide 2 months of skilled nursing home care well there you go. With that in mind you can see why what your sis and her spawn are doing is ILLEGAL. You, SS can respond accordingly. Call the cops on them.
Just remember you can't have it both ways. Can't empty the house and call cops. One or the other.
Your mother is incompetent to look after her own welfare, you sister is committing a crime by stealing from her mother and if you want this to truly stop you go and make so much noise about it and take the control back. That will involve a lot of energy and they are trying to see you as the bad guy and you will have to be calm, sane and have ice water flowing in your veins to pull this off.
My experience with APS was actually kind of amusing. The mean lady called them on me when they (mean lady and fam) began to realize that what they thought was the 'gravy train' had left the station without them.
My mom was in her bookstore and I wasn't there at the time. Mom still had enough snap to be alone in her store (I was next door in that big building probably working on something that was leaking) and this lady strolled in, asked mom what her name was and that there had been a complaint filed about 'your daughter' and asked if mom was ok. Mom saw through it thankfully and didn't come to get me because in the condition I was in at that time I probably would have handed the APS lady her ass and then lost control of the situation.
Here's where mom and I were VERY lucky. Mom realized in an instant that if she complained about me to this woman, the State would step in and all would be lost. thank God above for that particular instant of clarity.
Mom was cool as a cucumber and the lady grilled her for a good half hour and mom didn't flinch and told the APS lady that I was doing a good job.... then ran to tell me what happened. i said see? You tell me MY mouth will get us in trouble... you watch what YOU say. Of course she'd forget and talk smack about me every now and again after that but everybody 'that mattered' saw what was going on and how happy my mom was getting her little bookstore jumping and her house all prettied up.
This is the #1 reason, SS, that our situations are so totally different. You have snakes in your family and your mom has no moments of clarity that tell her she is getting screwed, about to get screwed or is doing the screwing.
That's why my heart goes out to you on a moment by moment basis. You are never far from my thoughts because i know how hard it was for me and I got some breaks and you are not getting any and I praise you for handling what you handle.
As far as being stolen from here's my story: All my Wedding Silver is gone, our massive coin collection is gone, cash, all the silver from the buffett in the dining room, I could go on but what's the point.
Angry about it? omg. my fault. i didn't remove it and mom hid most of it on me so i couldn't help and it just disappeared bit by bit: construction guys coming across it while working on the house or building mostly. Believe me I have rooted through that entire old building with mom at my side saying: I don't know.... it could be here..... 11,000 sq ft of old plaster walls and hidey holes and it could be here.....I am still amazed that I'm not institutionalized.
The c#n! lady was responsible for a lot of the crap and that is a piece of unfinished biz that I will handle this coming week. She drove mom around to a bunch of different banks, etc and when she could clearly see what was going on as far as the dementia was concerned she did not step up and help me find the assets needed to care for my mom. She came to see mom while mom was dying and when mom died I called her and she made the phone call about herself and what she did to 'help mom' etc. typical . Since then, no phone call, no card no show at the services with two opportunities timewise. That one gets a lawyer too because i need to find the safe deposit boxes and this sna!ch knows where they are.
Lawyer on horn. brb.
lovbob
Bob321, which of those books have you read? I was thinking about ordering...
I'm in a somewhat similar situation, and the people perpetrating the claims and false accusations about me are profiting $$$$ from it with my mom's money. And she's too dumb to see it. I am about ready to blow the whistle. Mom's given one woman a key to my dad and mom's house 200 miles away. WT...!? I'm so outraged by this whole scenario for several reasons. The sharks are swarming, because dad can't defend himself, and they put an intentional major legal wedge between mom and me. That's elder abuse, both financial and emotional, except they are accusing me of it (and profiting off mom!). The gall of some people. I will be consulting with yet another attorney, and my friend who happens to be State Police detective. The courts are useless! So, don't know if a Protective Order will work, or file charges with police downstate, or sue family for my inheritance, which they stole behind my back, with the help of mom's new guardian, who, btw is not known for honesty in the public arena. I was advised to move everything out of the house a while back, and my hubby was against it. Why pay for storage when an empty heated house held everything? My attorney told mom's PG that I needed to be there for the initial Inventory. Instead, nephew walked in and was handed $$$$$$$$$ of dollars worth of silver. More than two of everything, which should have gone to sis and me. Sis's son "wanted" it, according to mom, and she was only too willing to give the college boy, (who's many thousands of $$$$$$$$ in debt) what should have been the next of kin's (me) inheritance. So he's going on cruises, partying in Florida, and racking up the student loans. Mom's dementia and Personality Disorders sees nothing wrong with handing over to him valuable antiques and silver. The kid doesn't even ever visit her! Yet, she used us for 3 years to manipulate us, and use our own money meeting her insatiable needs. I saw it as "helping her," and she saw an opportunity. WOW! I got blindsided, by her, her "friends," my sister, and her son. I am trying to digest this, and that is so very difficult for me.
Also, mom was neglectful and abusive of/towards her husband, and I'm so glad I was able to move him away from her. The stupidest thing I did was move her closer to me. But at the time, I had no idea she was using me, and plotting her revenge.
Poetic Justice: Dad's Army Story: He and his buddy were walking on the beach (he was stationed in Hawaii). There were two girls on said beach. Dad said he flipped a coin, and lost. Translation: he married the coin flip, and lost BIG TIME. I heard that story retold to numerous listeners, all my life. I always hated it, but have a greater appreciation for it now. I always thought it was rude and disrespectful towards my mom, but now know the truth. His life was hell with her. They did their share of partying, though. More poetic justice: he spent every cent of her sizable inheritance, leaving her with major debt. I was mad, but have to laugh a little now. Did he know what he was doing? Was he planning and plotting revenge? OK, enough conspiracy for one night.
My sister and my life were in survival mode growing up with Mommy Dearest. Sis told me stories that enraged and enlightened me. Not only was dad's life hell, but ours were doubly so, because he was rarely home, and mom was an out-of-control drug addict and alcoholic. Dad was only home long enough to change clothes and sleep. He escaped into work, clubs, organizations, and Playboy magazines. And now he's escaped into Alzheimer's. I really don't know what to say to him. They caused us to live a lie. I do love him, and am thankful for these last days with him, but...many things will have to be left unsaid. No use dredging up the ugly past. I'm a new creature, and thank God, not where I was. And I feel pitifully sorry for dad. His disease has really stirred my compassions, and I feel very protective of him. Doing the best I can there. I contemplate bringing him to my house...which would really anger some family. Now that would be very poetic.
Bobbie, I'd really need to know how you dealt with APS. The only wind I see is in your sails.
love,
miz
It's good to see you. How is your Husband's poison ivy?
up to his hoo-hahs in Quaker Oats?
the books will help tremendously. You kiss your mom for me and Linda you kiss your pa for me too.
lovbob
love
miz
Linda! Thanks for the love gurl!
the Eleventh Hour
A caring guideline for the hours to minutes before death.
Barbara Karnes, RN
PO Box 822139
Vancouver, Washington 98682
She has a few others:
Gone From My sight the dying experience
My Friend, I Care, the grief experience
A time to Live: living with a life-Threatening Illness.
They end up being about 3 bucks a copy.
lovbob
Hey Maxine... I'll come and get you and you can sit your poor tired body down and float along with us all. June 26 I hope you get on with us and let us know how you're doing.
thanks Bobbi and SS and all for your kindnesses.
SS I know you hurt so much and what happened to you and what is happening now is wrong. The issue is time. Time is something you don't really have a lot of right now with your dad so say it even if it's wierd. It won't make much sense now but it will in about 5-10 years (maybe not even that long)
I am so at peace with the death of my mom because we Dr. Phil'd all our stuff out. We had a bad bad time in the beginning of the process and I had horrible images in my head of her meaness and me being vindictive and mean back.
I don't like myself that way. i don't want to be always upset at someone or something. That's why i walked away from all that $ with the building/bookstore because it just wasn't worth it to live that way in that crappy town. Chuck that Farley.
In the beginning mom and her 'friends' said so many mean things and Adult Protective was called on me and it all made my life Hell for the first 2-3 years of caregiving. In addition to all of the construction I was doing that was breaking my body.
I heard this quote awhile back:
Your opinion of me is none of my business.
I decided about then to not give a sh!! about what people thought about me or said about me. I just did my job. I worked on mom's building and her house. She gained weight and got better and better and she began to not be so mean. There was one lady that is just an absolute cu#! and mom would always act out in a mean way after they had hung out together though.
The other awful people is a family with 4 girls and a mean mom (mean to me) She's the one who called APS. mom was in the throes of dementia and said bad stuff about me to them and I heard from the mouth of one of the little girls that "You were stealing your mother's money and the cops had to straighten you out."
When Nik and Heather and I were reopening mom's bookstore upstairs in these amazing old law Offices not one of these people came to help or even stop by when we were open and mom was there every day.
It turned out beautifully and one day we'll look at pictures.
OK here's the kicker: NONE of these people, one a family with 4 adopted girls that my mom helped happen financially (the Adoption) and the cu#! lady showed up for my mom's Services. Fri nite viewing and Sat service. Neither had the Ba!!s to face me but they did obviously have the indecency to disrespect my mom after all she had done for them.
Have to draw a line through their names. I do have legal biz with the fam because they have not returned papers that mom gave to them to 'safeguard' and when they learned that mom had dementia they still didn't step up and do the right thing so guess what. Lawyer time.
Remember a little while ago when I was talking about my aunt/birthmother? Well, I have drawn a line through her name. It is final. I choose not to be upset or hurt by her therefore she is gone. I walked away from $ there too. they wanted to leave me their house and stuff and so what? I don't want anybody's stuff. Chuck that Farley 2.
I'd rather live on a boat on a mooring somewhere on the cheap and not put up with it. Screw it.
How can you get over it all SS? Draw a line through a name. Stick to it.
REALLY think it over and when you have made a decision, stick to it and forget it. It can be really hard to forgive but you work at it and do it. You just put that stuff in a little compartment and take it out and look at it once in a blue moon and the rest of the time, screw it. A lot of people suck and some of the ones we're related to can REALLY suck.
Tell your daddy that you love him because the other stuff just doesn't matter anymore. The closure you're looking for you are going to have to provide for yourself. Not fair, I know.
we can all tell you love him very very much by the way you write about him.
It's the time issue. You don't want to have worked all of this out after he is gone because that will make you nuts.
You are a good kid, SS and you are a good daughter.
Man, I'm a windbag tonight.
Love you guys,
lovbob
boy oh boy 3 grandkids whew lord i tell you they kept me going all day . 4 yrs old 3 yrs old and a 7 months old , 2 girls 1 boy , theyre a pleasure and such a darling , i got the kiddy pool out and they had a blast . i sure couldnt wait for thier mommy and daddy to come . i had them 9 hrs .
told my daughter in law shes one hellva woman , lol
i felt bad for not giving pa attention . he s in bed now just dont feel good . am hoping tmr i ll get him out of the house and go for a joyride . all he wants to do is sleep , eat ,sleep. makes me want to get that book the eleventh hr bobbie321 mentioned . maybe im wrong ? i try to hurry and read every one s news today , bobbie i love reading yours . u always makes me smile . you make me feel like im on that barbara bee s boat ! i hope im spelling her name right .
god bless you all !!
Thank you for your words of comfort. They are as salve to my soul. I am trying to absorb all you wrote.
I don't know what to say to my dad. We struggled almost all my life. He has no idea of my struggles, so I just take them to God. Dad was too busy, distracted, and struggling, himself. Mom made things hell for all of us. The anger I'm feeling right now is towards her. She has done me real wrong, publicly, in the past couple years, and I didn't know it. I was literally blindsided, while trying to be a good daughter, and "help" her. My sister turned out to be as wicked as her, and both are selfish, backstabbing, plotters, who have done me great evil. I am not processing this very well. Distance helps, but I am still in shock, realizing those I've loved have been, and are so wicked. And I believe they are jealous that I have a daily relationship with my dad. Mom rarely visits her husband. The nurses say she doesn't stay long.
It's the anticipatory grief my loving sister. Your dad is getting closer and you are coming to realize it.
Shock and Numbness are number 1
anger and bitterness will fade as quickly as you let it because what's coming now is going to be very very real. You literally cherish the moments you have. I do want to tell you that if he's up and moving around to get himself to the dining room you should have some time!
Don't choke back tears. cry your heart out because you have to. I cried with my mom because we knew what was coming and we didn't get all wrist slitting nuts but we did hold each other and cry and then as her time got closer I just sat there in a chair holding her hand and napping with my head on the bed with her.
When I would start to get real blubbery I would just leave that part of the house and cry into my pillow.
The less anger you have in your heart for anything when it all goes down the better you will feel afterwards. Because there is an afterwards for us, the caregivers. I learned that what I thought was anger was actually grief and that helped me a lot. Losses come in many forms: lousy sibs, you lose out on a great sibling relationship; mean mom, you lose out on the loving mom deal, you name it and if we perceive it as a loss we're going to get angry and then grieve for it. The two can be confusing to us sometimes. as we move between our own worlds of anger, denial, etc etc.
when they become less and less responsive they are just getting ready to make the journey. they won't want to eat so that's why your dad tucking it in is a great sign and you hang on to that and be happy that you still have some time.
Say what you've got to say now. that's something you don't wait for. Tell him how much you love him over and over and how happy you are that he is your dad. Maybe it won't look like he's responding but he will hear you and it will make him feel good and peaceful.
this sux. no way around it and this will happen.
No way around that either.
I will tell you Sailors that you are the very people that have helped me so much it's hard to truly express it. I am grateful and thankful daily for this site and this crew. We indeed have a fine crew.
We're going to be here for you Anne. Don't you ever forget that.
For those of us who feel that they are 'getting close', let the rest of us know so we can send our hearts out to you.
Just keep writing and venting SS and getting it out. We're all here for you.
When it gets too intense, close your eyes and think about the boat because I'm coming to get you.
Love you guys,
lovbob
I know God is watching over us. A few months back, Daddy told me in a dream that Mom wouldn't be able to be left alone forever. As it turns out, no one realized it but she had fallen and broken a rib. Now, over the last couple months, things have fallen into place so that I could leave my job and bring her to live with me. She is my job now and I'm happy for it and I'm sure the Lord had a hand in it all. I dread the end and yet I welcome it for her because she has been waiting so long to be with Daddy. She mentions it every day - just waiting for the Lord to take her. Now if she just wasn't so darn healthy! :)
Even being with her 24x7, she has still manage to do something to her left thumb and it is swollen. Not badly enough that she is complaining, nor does she want any medicine for it (she takes no meds at all), but I can't help wondering how in the world she did it???? She can't remember so I guess I'll just go with the flow and keep an eye on it.
Down here, though...different story. Just came from the nursing home. Dad was up, and had eaten a good lunch, late. He's been sleeping through the regular meal times. He's also refusing meds. Some don't know the others have been crushing them. Some lab results came back from yesterday, and he has elevated BUN levels. The RN told me this indicates the beginnings of kidney failure. Every day, it seems there is something new to add to my share of grief and feelings of impending loss. He is just not the same guy. His eyes don't sparkle, and he can't respond very well, at all. He did manage to indicate he needed a kleenex, as I saw a very wet upper lip, and him trying to get my attention. He can not ask for them as you an I would. My dad used to write poetry. Now, I am. Often, I find myself choking back tears.
Heaven's looking sweeter all the time. There, we will never have to say goodbye, and there, no disease. O, how I long for release, some days. Sorry to sound so melancholy; it's just that things are pressing in, and I am feeling like escaping. Don't know why, but my emotions are extremely intense lately. Wierd. Feel like I'm going to explode, or the dam's about to burst. I've been feeling shock and numbness, and acute emotional pain. Anticipatory grief? Bitterness? Anger? I don't know. It doesn't feel good at all.
SS, AMEN to that. You are on fire for our Lord. Thanks. I'm ready anytime God is too. Some days more than others. Hubby and I would like to be park rangers in His kingdom but He knows which assignment is best for us. Maybe gardeners?
Bob321, I would greatly appreciate ANY words you may have to bless us with regarding the last hours / days. I have not been exposed to any of that and would love any knowledge I can get up front. I seem to be finding out the caregiver stuff after the fact and I've learned so much here just in the past few weeks. Maybe a thread dedicated to endings? And another to grief? I come from a small family with huge gen. gaps. I haven't experienced children or cargiving other than pets. Things ended badly with dad and I don't want it go that way with mom. Been at this for 11 yrs. now with mom & still feel inept at times. I understand the hurdles get closer together as we go, but I would like a blueprint. I've always been efficient and in control before & now I'm not. The inevitable will happen but knowledge is key and I am a sponge. Thank you, Thank you.
JollyJ, Welcome. This is a blessed place.
Luckily, I worked in a nursing home in the past so I haven't seen anything that has shocked me. My 94 year old mom is not dealing with Alzheimer's as my Daddy did but her mind is wandering away. Most days she knows I am her daughter although she can no longer come up with names. The good thing is, when we put the locks on, she quickly forgot that she was ever able to get into the cabinets.
The Bahamas sound wonderful. Thanks for your nomination. I defer to my husband for the preaching, though I do like to speak the truth in love. And my little one can do the piano music for our hymn sign. He just did his first offeratory at church on Sunday night, and did very well, with his God-given 9 year old talent. Brought tears to my eyes.
I do love the way you write, Bob 321. You have a special gift for encouragement, and humor, and making people feel special. You are a gift. Thanks for your love and friendship. You knit hearts together, and that's amazing. What a treasure you are.
Yes, I was hoping to hear from some who haven't posted here in a while, and wondering about some of those same Caregiving angels, myself. All aboard!!
Welcome Jolly J. what a great name! I just lost my mom and am referencing the experience. Didn't want to freak you out.....
read around on this thread. there are some amazing caregivers here with hearts so big and burdens so heavy. they're smart ones too!
My mom regarded any type of seal, lock closed area as a game and she was smart too. She would figure out how to open it. She was not, however, a wanderer at all nor was she interested in imbibing cleaning fliuds. She like to play with my make up and 'things' on the bathroom counter, so It was part of her fun and i didn't want to take her fun away.
This thread got started because she came out of the bathroom and I was walking in to brush my teeth and there you go.....
About 4 days before she passed, I gave her one of those plastic kid's bottles with the swirly straw on the outside,and a screw down lid. She took a couple of sips and I turned my back and she had opened it up. i just laughed and said: at least you had the decency to pour it all over your special underwear (Depends). She cracked up. It was a game for her.
OK to answer the thought of a thread about the physical aspect of dying.
There's things a dying person/body goes through in the weeks and days and hours leading to death. that's what I'm talking about.
Everybody in town was so surprised that I 'knew' that mom was close but that's why she and I worked so hard to get her into her own bed.
I think that it's important to know these things so you can help them make the transistion sweetly and peacefully. That's what I tried to do for my mom.
the lady on the boat (omg what a sweetheart) who had just lost her husband not a year ago and gave me a set of booklets that are very very good.
I read the one titled the Eleventh Hour and it spoke exactly of what mom went through the weeks, days, hours leading to her death. I was amazed that all of the steps were there and that I had witnessed them.
I didn't have the book at that time but could have used it to relieve stress. I knew in my gut that she was going and that putting her in the hospital and freaking out would be cruel to her but i paced and worried and prayed that I was making the right decisions and tried to think of what I would want. I think I would want peace and being comfortable and Sara was spectactular at turning mom and patiently feeding her so mom wouldn't hurt on the insides. And keeping her clean and shiny.
I posted here that I didn't think she would last the night and she died 12:10pm having made it through that night.
Miz! didja try the oatmeal?
Linda! how's your pa doing? You recovered from the kids yet?
godhelps! Listen....you are a doll. thank you so much for your words of encouragement on my wall. I do have a set of nards but am also known for making a total Jackass out of myself on a somewhat regular basis
Teristeve... wow, what you have experienced at such a young age and how you coped. amazing. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It really means a lot to me and i truly appreciate it.
SecSis, you know I love you kiddo. You are an angel and a good preacher. I nominate you to do a little service on Sunday mornings while we're moored in the Bahamas. You down?
Pirate! how are you girl?
Where's Pamela
Tennessee? what's going on. Are you ok? where's your daughter? I miss her posts.
Maxine don't break your hump out there in the garden. Sit down and enjoy yourself a minute.
When exactly is your husband's anniversary? You know we'll be thinking of you. got a lot of respect for you kid.
Olivia! Deef? Who am I missing here.
Would really love to hear from KelleyBean on the thread.
Tennessee, Linda and Kelley: Know the perfect spot for the angel on the boat. Thanks again guys.
SS I know you wanted to know about the Service which was beautiful. Still hard to write about and I get cried out but I'll tell that one in a few days.
It really was beautiful though and the angel was on mom's casket and everybody remarked how beautiful it was.
I am experiencing the 'oh, I've got to tell mom this' sensation. that takes years to go away i learned after my daddy's death.
OK: going back to work on the paperwork to make this all go.
Thank you all everytime for being here.
lovbob