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Oh Bobbie. I am so very sorry. I too am in tears as I write this. It just breaks my heart for you. You have been there for her and with her and if the end had to come it came in the right way. I wish I could hug you. I'm sending a big long hug to you. Take good care. Please let us know how you are doing. So much love to you.
God bless you sweet Bobbie. I am so sorry for your loss, as I know it must grieve you something fierce. Praying the Lord comfort you at this time. Sis, I will keep you in my heart and prayers, and wish I could do more. Could you post some memorial info, so we can get in touch with you, or attend, if possible? If there's anything I could do to help, please know I will. Love you, sweet lady, SS
Oh my Bobbie. Something guided me to this thread today because I was on this site all day yesterday and didn't touch this thread.
I am amazed at the fact that you were able to be there with your mom as she transcended, you were truly there at the very end and that must make you feel wonderful knowing that. You've lived my dream and although I feel sadness, I also rejoice for you. What a daughter you've been and what inspiration you've given to me.
Go ahead and take the time that you need, we'll be right here for you.
Oh Bobbie, I am just in tears....! Be strong be brave, I know it is hard. WE are here with you. I am sure you will be with all of us when we go through the same thing. You did good! I will think of you all day and eve! I can't stop crying for you right now. Peace be with you right now.
My beloved Mama left us at 12:08 pm East Coast time.
She died in her own home and in her own bed holding my hand and looking straight into my eyes with her beautiful blue eyes.
I told her how beautiful she was and how many people's lives she had influenced. I thanked her for being my mama and told her I was sorry for all the bad stuff I did. She was struggling for breath and I asked her if she saw Daddy. Her breathing became less labored and i told her it's ok. Go with Daddy. And she did.
I thank God for folks like you and your loving ways with your children. Please don't ever stop and continue to be kind when you are elderly. I didn't have that opportunity as a child or as an adult. Having become a caregiver to my Mother now is an experience that I was totally unprepared for. She on the other hand is having great fun with it and me. If a person has been sinful and wicked thier whole life; you can't very well ask them to change at 90. It breaks my heart daily but I'm hanging in there and trying to do all as I would for the Lord.
Thanks, Tennessee. They are precious gifts, aren't they? Our son is into Tae Kwon Do, so they have that in common, too. The piano thing is definitely of God, as his piano teacher prayed with him the first time we met, when a church paid for 1/2 the lessons back then. She still prays for each of her students. He has lots of natural talent, which comes from above. Sounds like your daughter does, too.
Our little one plays at the nursing home often, including ukulele, penny whistle, and guitar. He is exposed to a lot, too, including the gross stuff, the emotional drama of caring for elderly loved ones, and family situations. The important thing is perspective, and loving guidance (for each of us).
Bobbie, hope today is a better one for you and your mom! God bless each and every one of you ladies!
Thank you SS I knew you would understand since you have one close to the same age,kids can keep you straight alright;I had her late in life also and she has been pure joy.I like reading about your son and his accomplishments.Mine is into dance and Karate and art-saving and helping wildlife is a big passion.My dad bought her a piano,because he wanted her to learn to play,so far she hasn't shown much interest in that,so I very much admire your son for sticking with it.
Thank you bobbi and oliver,she has had some grief counseling,but I use this forum to further explain some of the unexplainable things that have occurred in her life while caregiving.She has been through it all and seen it all through her caregiving assitance,she was a daddys girl,like alot of us are.She does want to make a difference and do something of nobility-which rules out the legal system. She also knows by now if somebody doesn't like me that they will attack her to hurt me.Its hard to explain to a kid about adults and all of there failings-the legal system brought that discussion on.THE discussion of the 78 year old swinging man with 3 girlfriends and massage parlors was quiet a challenge to me,morals and responsibility with money came up in that discussion.Living on a farm something is always being born and something is always passing away-even that never gets easy-animals also grieve the dealth of another.
tennessee I think it's great what you are doing with the little girl. I think everybody needs to beable to express themselves. I was not raised that way so sometimes it is hard for me. Good Job.
Tennesse, you must be very proud of your daughter. For someone that young to be able to express themselvs that well says something not only about her, but her upbringing as well. It's a good thing. Who knows, maybe by reading the posts on this site she will one day come up with some new treatment, or approach to dealing with the difficulties of aging parents. If nothing else, she has certainly learned compassion.
Bobbie,She understands what you are going through,so she knew you would get to it sooner or later,as your mom has taught you, you can go any where or do anything I have taught her the same.She has been wanting to talk to you about the boat for some time,school and activities keep her busy-she's in a college prep school and they are quite aggressive in their studies,but we are out on summer break now.She feels like ya'll have alot in common,it's true you both are very smart people and you both like boats,humor was very important between her and her dad also.Shes also a animal rescuer,shes saved dogs,cats,owls,a fawn--DID YOU KNOW that you had to wipe a baby deers butt to make it go to the bathroom if the mother is not around to do it-I JUST SAID TO MY SELF ANOTHER BEHIND TO WIPE.We are also very worried about our friends on the gulf and that oil.She'll read your post in the morning.thanks
Hi, BOBBIE-Sorry about your day being rough-hope tomorrow will be better for you.Little girl is my 10 year old daughter who help with the caregiving efforts of my dad and her dad,shes been around sick folk since the day she was born,so she has opinions-strong opinions.She reads a good majority of these threads and when my words are misspelled,you can bet she hasn't proof read anything I wrote.She's in bed now, but I gave her permission to leave you a note,she partically likes when you talk about the boat.
Tennessee, I just read your beautiful post about Farmers.
I also found and answered your daughter's posts on my wall. Sorry it took me all day and I hope she is not upset. You know we will need a little kid on the boat! Little kids keep us sane in the middle of our pain because they represent our collective future.
It was so hot today, and I slept so little last night, that I did nothing...and slept off and on. I did visit my dad later, but he was sleeping, again, as usual. I'm getting tired of that, as I haven't visited with him in some time, except to watch him sleep. That is getting old. I want to see for myself how he's doing.
My little boy kept asking to go to the beach today. We took him, and he went in the water. It was nice a cool down there, and there were lots of boats out. Bobbie, you would have loved it. Hope your evening is better.
I started a thread for fathers day encouraging alittle girl who lost her dad and granddad to express her feelings,since fathers day is around the corner,but there are some who are discouraging her to do this. Maybe some of you are uncomfortable with the fact a little girl has been through more than most adults,maybe some of you are raised to believe children should not express there feelings because they are only children,mine has earned the right to express herself and she is also smart enough to know when someone is slamming her.Shes learned with the lawyers that adults act a whole lot worst than children.NOW, I'm going to keep encouraging her,so I'm sorry if it makes some un-comfortable.
You very often have to intervene in NH's you never can be sure the aides report what they see to the nurses that is why it is inportant to have your loved one in one where they can be checked on often and I usually do not sign in because someone can call the unit and tell them you are on the way to the unit esp. if someone is sitting where you sign in. As long as you are calm and polite they should not mind questions remember most NH's get up to or more than 400 dollars a day for a filled bed and 250 dollars for a bed hold while a pt. is in the hospital unless they are on medicaide; and no pills should be crushed unless a pharmisist agrees if you are not sure get the name of the pill and check at your pharmacy-do not assume the nurse knows which one can be crushed.
Nope, he's in a NH, and they just take vitals, etc. He was limping, so that's why the Xray. His gait has slowed. You have to realize, he's on a Dementia unit, and all the residents are confused and non-verbal to some extent. They haven't done a CT scan because his symptoms aren't extraordinary, but "normal." They have an Xray lab come in for films. Will know the results tomorrow. He's fallen many times, and has been confined to bed just as many. That's part of the process with Alzheimer's. Just watching general decline. We'll see if anything more comes of it.
I didn't see your ealier posts so I don't know if he went to an ER? Iwould think that if someone is non-verbal or confused and not able to report accurately, that it would be in the physicians's best interest to check him out pretty much from head to toe. Did they do a CT or any other studies to see if any internal damage was done?
Yes, following our instincts is good advice, and don't just let "experts" tell you what for. They aren't always right, even doctors, who are PRACTICING Physicians. It's an art, not a science, since each individual case is distinct. We know our loved ones best, and can read signs others might miss.
I just went to see my dad again. He was in bed, and only wanted to sleep. That's never a good sign. He had an Xray today, to determine the cause of his slowed pace after his fall. Tell me, why did they wait 5 days to do this?! Incredible. If there is a problem, I will file a complaint.
We or someone that we trust have got keep eyes open. My mother was in n/h after major abdominal surgery. I don't live in the same state, but I'd call daily and was noticing mom was becoming short of breath and she was complaining that her wound had a foul odor. I spoke with nurses as well as nursing sup. They kept telling me everything was fine. Shortly after she wound up in ICU with Septic Shock from, you guessed it...her abdominal wound..had to undergo major debridment, rehab for several months and then came to live with me for her woundcare etc until she got well enough to run away back to her own home.
Glad the recital touched your heart so sweetly. We need those moments to keep us. I too had trouble with a doc my mom was seeing when I first got involved in her care. He happened to be a cardiologist and was using mom as a cash cow. She got 2 heart stints that may or may not have been needed and when I found out that she was in his office twice a month and that they were giving her THREE chemical stress tests a year I yanked him from her care. Although she has a little angina her heart is in good shape. Thank God I found out; He may have killed her. That was ten years ago and although mom likes the attention the Doctors give; I like to think God had me intervene just in time. In any case beware of the Docs; they can be just as money hungry as anyone else. That we have wisdom and know when to say no.
If you have concerns, then chances are pretty good you have a reason to feel that way. It's a good idea to follow the gut. You are your mother's best advocate. You have a right to ask questions about your mother's care and to have those questions answered especially when it comes to health and safety (lack of med orders, need for follow-up not happening in a timely manner). Unfortunately, just because someone has a professional title, doesn't always mean they have the patients best interest at heart.
Bobbie and SS: I can relate to what you are going through! It is sad to know how we all have to face the inevitable with our parents but we have to know that we are all doing our very best. There are times when our best is better than at other times, but we still deserve the "golden heart award" because our hearts are in the work and support that we give. My husband and I moved in with my in-laws (alz and dem). We have lived there for 4 months and it seems like four years. I have aged considerably. I never realized what a thankless job this is. Not that I wanted rewards and constant gratitude, but an occasional acknowledgement or thanks is appreciated. It is so very hard to have to see your parents struggle with basic living and personal hygiene. It is extremely difficult for me to handle this with my in-laws. We have never been close - always kind and civil and have had happy memories, but also had lots of disagreements through the years. These they probably remember!! Had to literally pick my father-in-law off the bedroom floor after he passed out. Then helped him in and out of the shower. Tried to keep my eyes averted to save his dignity but he really did not seem to care or to know. It was strange for me, but I think I will handle it easier the next time. We had part of their big sale over the past 3 whole days. We have spent about 3 full weeks preparing for it but it did not go real well especially with them there. We also had our 3 yr old granddaughter and a family cook out. Too much in four days. I am wiped out. We all need more rest than we can get!! Maybe this is why we slept a lot during our childhood and teen years! First times at anything are always hard and we all are learning as we go. Each day brings a new challenge and a new hurdle (sometimes it is each hour)! Keep up the good work and keep singing!! It helps.
Deefer, my dad's in a NH, so he has constant monitoring. Thank God, b/c he needs almost total care. I could not meet his needs. It's getting harder to visit, because he is so unresponsive lately. The smile is really fading. He's also incontinent, and has disgusting table manners (or the lack thereof.) Still, it's dad, so I go. Don't want to neglect to visit him. Sometimes I wonder what he's thinking. His language is so disjointed and I cant understand a thing he tries to say. Weird!
Bobbie: our son did two songs: Sweet Hour of Prayer, and Canon in D. It made me cry listening to him. You would never know he's only 9.
Hope you all have a great week, despite the gross things happening with your loved ones.
Called the place last night to see if grandma took her meds any yesterday and they said that she refused all day long until her 9pm meds last night. She goes to bed around 6pm so they have to wake her up to take her bedtime pills. Between them having crushed them and mixing them in with pudding and her being half asleep still, SHE ATE THE PUDDING. Unfortunately, most of her nighttime meds are calcium, potassium, tylenol, etc. I know that the place doesn't have a "crush order" because I called her fam. doc. today and he didn't know about her not taking pills. The place hadn't notified him. I know for a fact that her calcium, potassium, and coumadin can't be crushed but I'm pretty sure they've been doing it. Not that she's taken most of what they crushed anyways. Called in after breakfast this morning and they said that she didn't want to get out of bed or take her meds but after they got her up and dressed, she finally agreed. So maybe the worst of it is over. That's 2 pill times in a row now that she's taken them, it's a start. But then again, with dementia, you never know what's coming next. There really aren't any "patterns". lol Her ER discharge paperwork said to have family doc follow up in 1-2 days and schedule an MRI for early this week. Talked to docs office today and the girl said that she'll be out to see him "sometime later this week" and that he won't schedule the MRI until after he's seen her. Should I be concerned about this? He was usually pretty good about seeing her when she was to be seen. If an ER doc saw her while she was having one of these episodes and said she needs an MRI to locate the cause, my reasoning would be that the fam doc could schedule the MRI for beginning of the week anyways even if he won't actually be seeing her til later in the week. Our whole family has had qualms about her family doc before but she has always refused to switch doctors. I don't know if I'm right in being concerned about his lack of interest this week or whether my prior prejudices about him are clouding my judgment. Oh the drama. It's ALWAYS something. The girls said that she's still in a grumpy mood today but it's already 10am and she hasn't cursed at anyone yet today. That's an improvement. LOL I'm thankful even for the small things! Got too busy to visit yesterday while my daughter was in school and was afraid to take her along to visit when grandma is like that so I'll have to make sure that I get in to see her for awhile today. Maybe it'll help. Maybe it'll make it worse. Who knows!
I hope all of you have a good day with your parents.
I've been reading the posts regrding difficulties with getting meds down. I'm wondering if liquid,suppositories or patch might be an option. I'm sure it's already been thought about but you do need to make sure that the meds can be crushed. Some cannot. Facilities (to the best of my knowledge) need to have a "crush order" so that meds can be crushed.
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Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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I am amazed at the fact that you were able to be there with your mom as she transcended, you were truly there at the very end and that must make you feel wonderful knowing that. You've lived my dream and although I feel sadness, I also rejoice for you. What a daughter you've been and what inspiration you've given to me.
Go ahead and take the time that you need, we'll be right here for you.
Love and so much respect to you Bobbie.....Pam
She died in her own home and in her own bed holding my hand and looking straight into my eyes with her beautiful blue eyes.
I told her how beautiful she was and how many people's lives she had influenced. I thanked her for being my mama and told her I was sorry for all the bad stuff I did. She was struggling for breath and I asked her if she saw Daddy. Her breathing became less labored and i told her it's ok. Go with Daddy. And she did.
Indeed I am heartbroken.
Thank you my sisters in grief.
lovbob
orphan
Hope you are all having a wonderful week, and things are going well for you and your loved ones.
Our little one plays at the nursing home often, including ukulele, penny whistle, and guitar. He is exposed to a lot, too, including the gross stuff, the emotional drama of caring for elderly loved ones, and family situations. The important thing is perspective, and loving guidance (for each of us).
Bobbie, hope today is a better one for you and your mom! God bless each and every one of you ladies!
I think it's great what you are doing with the little girl. I think everybody needs to beable to express themselves. I was not raised that way so sometimes it is hard for me. Good Job.
I also found and answered your daughter's posts on my wall. Sorry it took me all day and I hope she is not upset. You know we will need a little kid on the boat! Little kids keep us sane in the middle of our pain because they represent our collective future.
more later,
lovbob
It was so hot today, and I slept so little last night, that I did nothing...and slept off and on. I did visit my dad later, but he was sleeping, again, as usual. I'm getting tired of that, as I haven't visited with him in some time, except to watch him sleep. That is getting old. I want to see for myself how he's doing.
My little boy kept asking to go to the beach today. We took him, and he went in the water. It was nice a cool down there, and there were lots of boats out. Bobbie, you would have loved it. Hope your evening is better.
This has been a rough day.
Tennessee.... what am I missing about a little girl? Bless her heart why would anyone make her feel unwelcome?
BRB
I just went to see my dad again. He was in bed, and only wanted to sleep. That's never a good sign. He had an Xray today, to determine the cause of his slowed pace after his fall. Tell me, why did they wait 5 days to do this?! Incredible. If there is a problem, I will file a complaint.
I too had trouble with a doc my mom was seeing when I first got involved in her care. He happened to be a cardiologist and was using mom as a cash cow. She got 2 heart stints that may or may not have been needed and when I found out that she was in his office twice a month and that they were giving her THREE chemical stress tests a year I yanked him from her care. Although she has a little angina her heart is in good shape. Thank God I found out; He may have killed her. That was ten years ago and although mom likes the attention the Doctors give; I like to think God had me intervene just in time. In any case beware of the Docs; they can be just as money hungry as anyone else. That we have wisdom and know when to say no.
I can relate to what you are going through! It is sad to know how we all have to face the inevitable with our parents but we have to know that we are all doing our very best. There are times when our best is better than at other times, but we still deserve the "golden heart award" because our hearts are in the work and support that we give.
My husband and I moved in with my in-laws (alz and dem). We have lived there for 4 months and it seems like four years. I have aged considerably. I never realized what a thankless job this is. Not that I wanted rewards and constant gratitude, but an occasional acknowledgement or thanks is appreciated. It is so very hard to have to see your parents struggle with basic living and personal hygiene. It is extremely difficult for me to handle this with my in-laws. We have never been close - always kind and civil and have had happy memories, but also had lots of disagreements through the years. These they probably remember!!
Had to literally pick my father-in-law off the bedroom floor after he passed out. Then helped him in and out of the shower. Tried to keep my eyes averted to save his dignity but he really did not seem to care or to know. It was strange for me, but I think I will handle it easier the next time.
We had part of their big sale over the past 3 whole days. We have spent about 3 full weeks preparing for it but it did not go real well especially with them there. We also had our 3 yr old granddaughter and a family cook out. Too much in four days. I am wiped out.
We all need more rest than we can get!! Maybe this is why we slept a lot during our childhood and teen years!
First times at anything are always hard and we all are learning as we go. Each day brings a new challenge and a new hurdle (sometimes it is each hour)!
Keep up the good work and keep singing!! It helps.
Tand S
Bobbie: our son did two songs: Sweet Hour of Prayer, and Canon in D. It made me cry listening to him. You would never know he's only 9.
Hope you all have a great week, despite the gross things happening with your loved ones.
I hope all of you have a good day with your parents.
Amy