Has anyone else's family dynamic fallen apart after your parent's death?

This is common when my mother was a caregiver for my grandmother her and her sister & brother kept in contact and visited often, after my grandmother passed there has been no contact or communication, now I am my mother’s caregiver she has LBD and I don’t even know if her sister & brother are still living.
And if they are alive and pass we will never know. My mother is 92 her sister should be 95 and brother 87.

I Was in tears at your story, and I am crying as I type this. I just lost my mother on September 23, and we were very close. I lost my dad 5 years ago, but for some reason, it didn't hit me quite as hard. My Lord, I don't know what I would do if I lost my only brother. I only have a couple of friends, really. Your story breaks my heart, if there is some way we can communicate, exchange email addresses or something, or if the only way we can communicate is through this website, let it be done. I want to reach out to you, as another human being who shares your pain.

I am curious though: The brother who didn't work and lived with your parents rent free--did he take care of the house, the parents, and the million other things that need to be done for the elderly? Did he not work because he had given up his freedom to care for your parents while you were free to live your life relatively unfettered by your parents' needs? Looking at the situation from that perspective it would seem that he did all the "hard" work and you and your other brother rather got an equal share while he was made homeless.

I saw this happen when my grandparents died four years apart. My mom and her sister and brother had a huge fallen out. Usually it's over money. One sibling takes charge and other 2 disagree how it's handled. Grief is a huge factor also. You received some great advice here. Time to be strong and move on. Try not to Take it to personal. Men are wired different from women. They may not realize how you are feeling. So sorry for your loss. Take care😇

Sorry Mjustice98, sisters are not more inclined to be/stay closer. How I wish that were true. To
Caregiverhelp11, I agree with others here. Go find some friends, perhaps with a hobby you have? Your brothers have made their intentions clear. I say to myself "pff...it's their loss." I agree you are grieving loss of your mom and brother relationships at the same time. You have a choice to make-do you continue to mourn the loss of the 3 for the rest of your time on earth too? Or do you pick yourself up, pick some friends (bc you can't pick your family) and live the life you have left? Some people are using Covid as an excuse to not make active decisions. You can still go out while taking precautions. Or zoom or better yet get some therapy w/o having to leave your house if you still don't trust being out & about. Also, what will happen to your estate? I hope you consider agencies that don't treat you like your brothers do. Dr Phil has a saying that is one of my favorites "people treat you, the way you allow them to treat you."
I commend you for splitting the house proceeds 3 ways, it could have been way messier. You sound like a fair and honest person. Families don't appreciate that enough. Believe me, I and many others on this site could go on & on about family DYSfunction after death of our parents/family members. Hang in there!

Yes,absolutely lost everyone.Still an ongoing attack,..and I've done nothing wrong.
greedy relatives.Have health issues from stress,..I see people as mainly bad now.

Trust me I understand what you are going through and feeling. My older brother passed away from cancer 4 years ago. Since his death my family was torn apart. My sister (she’s 7 years older then I am but 11 months older then my brother who passed away) wasn’t ever really close with the family however was always around and popped in from time to time. My younger brother (he’s 7 years younger then me) completely stopped talking to my parents. I became the go between and communicator to the family to try and keep everyone somewhat in the other’s life. My parents have been divorced for 40 years and each had remarried. Anyways, since my brother passed the family has like I said torn apart and we used to be so close. Now my Mom had to be put into a nursing home because of her health (her husband passed away 7 years ago and she was alone living in her apartment at the age of 90). We all know it’s just a matter of time before our Mom passes yet still my brother will not have anything to do with my Mom and my sister is still doing her own thing blaming everyone else for her problems. I’m stressed beyond belief trying to keep my family in “the know” of my Mom’s situation with no real support. I’ve never felt so heartbroken with my family before. I feel so alone because of the how divided they’ve become. My Dad asks about my brother and I have to come up with excuses so as not to break my Dad’s heart. He’s trying to reach out to my brother but my brother shuts him out. My Mom (when I speak to her at the nursing home) asks for my brother and I have to make excuses. She’s fragile and I literally can’t break her heart. My sister again does what she feels is best for “herself” and goes about her business. I literally am the mediator for my family and a lot of the times I have to lie. I’m married and have 2 adult children and I’ve been truly blessed with that part of my life. So, as insane as it may sound I understand how you’re feeling. It’s heartbreaking and I have a void in my heart because my family hasn’t been the same family unit we used to be since my older brother passed away. There is a lot more to the story of my family’s division after my brother passed away, however, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone on what you’re going through. I rely on my faith for comfort strength. I wish you the best. You’ll be in my prayers.

Sorry to say I found out I was adopted after my mom died. I am ok with the news now that I have had time to digest. My older sister and younger sister do not speak to each other now. My older sister new about my adoption where my younger sister and I did not. This was the final thing that divided them further apart. They are both in the same state I am not. So I am in the middle once again! They never saw eye to eye now they don’t even speak!
DL

There was a T'giving movie years back that had a scene I'll always think about. Two sisters had been arguing. One went to the other to smooth things out and the sister told her - if we were not related, we would never have been friends.

My family has always been extremely close and I know it's my mom who is the real glue. She always ensured there were family holidays with everyone present even during the hard times when it was only our immediate family seated at the table. (Long story, but there was a period of time we were totally broke and dad's family, who we lived closest to, made plans to do other things at holidays that did not include us).

As I travel this road of 24/7 caregiver with very little help from 4 siblings, I see everyone a little differently. I do love each one of them very much, but several times I've thought about - would we be friends if we weren't related. I do wonder what life without mom will become in regard to siblings.

The only thing I wonder about in your situation is did the brother live with parents and provide the 24/7 care for them? Maybe others could learn from that situation to consider that service when dividing up what's left from a life.

My family fell apart after my father's death, but unlike yours we were never really close. I tried to be, but the two older darlings of my mother (she didn't like my younger brother or me from our births) never wanted me or my younger brother in their lives. My trying was pointless and a waste of my life, if that's any help to you - that is, don't try if he's not open to you. That's the way the world is nowadays, so don't feel badly so much that it interferes with you enjoying your life when you are ready.

I am sorry for both of you. My son is in the same situation. He has some sort of disability that prevents him from moving forward with his life. Was your brother working? Was he your mothers care taker? Maybe he thought he deserved to continue to live there for a while?

Definitely happens. My entire family lives within 20 miles of each other. Mom is also here, living in memory care. Dad passed in 2019.

We spent many happy get togethers at parent's house over the years. Family was very close. Those gatherings stopped as mom's dementia grew worse and she was unwilling to have people to the house. Dad missed the gatherings, so my sister and stepped in and hosted them at our homes. But siblings also have elderly in laws and kids/grandkids who need their time/attention. Attendance at family gatherings is becoming hit or miss as time goes on. We have to pick and choose which family to spend holidays with. So gatherings where we all are together don't happen anymore. It just happens.

Yes,absolutely lost everyone.Still an ongoing attack,..and I've done nothing wrong.
greedy relatives.Have health issues from stress,..I see people as mainly bad now.I gave up my freedom,and worked hard looking after the home in and out,along with all the stress of caretaking a relative that couldn't walk or barely use their hands.The gredy sibling never offered help in those 3 years,..but continued to party on including staying in a tropical paradise for a month each year,..while I was literally killing myself to save my parent.Now I'm being dragged through the gravel for 0ver 2 years now...i have done nothing wrong,..it's GREEEED,..
I'm done with most people,..AND with 'Family' to heck with 'em all.

Yes,absolutely lost everyone.Still an ongoing attack,..and I've done nothing wrong.
greedy relatives.Have health issues from stress,..I see people as mainly bad now.I gave up my freedom,and worked hard looking after the home in and out,along with all the stress of caretaking a relative that couldn't walk or barely use their hands.The greedy sibling never offered help in those 3 years,..but continued to party on including staying in a tropical paradise for a month each year,..while I was literally killing myself to save my parent.Now I'm being dragged through the gravel for 0ver 2 years now...i have done nothing wrong,..it's GREEEED,..
I'm done with most people,..AND with 'Family' to heck with 'em all.

I am sorry for what you are enduring - it is so hard and lonely. I have learned the hard way that sometimes in life, we are forced to do something that is most likely the hardest thing we ever did - WALK AWAY FROM CERTAIN PEOPLE AND NEVER LOOK BACK AND MOVE ON TO A NEW LIFE. I don't think you had the close bond you think you had and hoped for. In this case, cut your losses and walk away. I had to do this and while it was horribly difficult, over time it was the best thing in the world I ever did. Believe me, there is a new life and a better tomorrow out there. Cut your losses and move on. Develop new friendships and interests and your life will be happier and more peaceful. Don't wait.

Yes,absolutely lost everyone.Still an ongoing attack,..and I've done nothing wrong.They even turned anyone they could convince against me.Lied about me..
GREEEEDY relatives.Have health issues from stress,..I see people as mainly bad now.I gave up my freedom,and worked hard looking after the home in and out,lawns,hedges,handyman duties,along with trying to maintain my job as best I could...lost 10 pounds doing all this,..along with all the EXTREME stress of caretaking a relative that couldn't walk or barely use their hands.The greedy sibling never offered help in those 3 years,..but continued to party on including staying in a tropical paradise for a month each year,..while I was literally killing myself to save my parent.Now I'm being dragged through the gravel for 0ver 2 years now...i have done nothing wrong,..it's GREEEED,..
I'm done with most people,..AND with 'Family' to heck with 'em all.

I am learning how caring for an elderly parent can put a huge wedge between siblings. My sister and I used to be best friends but since mom has needed more care, I have pulled away from her. Lots of hurt, anger, and resentment. I honestly believe that when mom is gone, there will be little reason for us to have any kind of relationship. It feels like a death.

I would encourage you to create a life for yourself. Get involved with a group. If that seems difficult, find something you can do by yourself. What activities do you enjoy? Gardening, reading, cooking, baking, exercise? I know with COVID everything seems to have stopped, but the more you can stay busy/active doing things you love, the more content you will feel. Try to stay connected with people who know what you're going through. It helps tremendously to know you're not alone.


God Bless you in your journey. He sees you and knows your struggles.

Yes, you aren't the only one.

Yes, my family became distant (and sometimes resentful and bitter) too, after mom died. Dad died 3 years before mom; however, mom was the one who insisted we family members get together for holidays, so to please her, we accommodated her wishes. Mom's favorite child was my younger brother who lived with my parents into his 40's. My younger brother FINALLY found a strong-willed woman who was willing to put up with him and keep him sober. However, when mom started going downhill, younger brother would not do any actual care-giving -- would not take her to doctor appointments saying she could not get her into his truck but would not accept the platform step so she could, which is what I used for her to get into my SUV. I became primary care-giver even though mom really did not want me there. Younger brother WOULD bring her (on occasion) some special foods she liked or a special gift and she ate it up, bragging to all the family who called about how wonderful he was to her. Younger brother considered those gestures as fulfillment of his part of the "care-giving" duties. Older brother was still working during the first 5 years of her care, but once he retired, he DID pick up prescriptions and helped with getting her to Doctor Appointments. However, once mom died and the house had to be sold and proceeds split, my two brothers fought like cats & dogs. Family designated to receive money felt they should get MORE (when they hardly did anything over the 7 years of care involved). I DID made a LONG LIST of everything major thing I did to care for mom and when they started in about they should have gotten more, I showed them the list. I also showed them the asset total and what each beneficiary's portion was, after Executor of Will portion was taken (which was not nearly as much as the law allowed). Some were surprised at how little mom & dad had left. Our parents did not leave Life Insurance money, and the house was so neglected and needed so many major repairs we had to sell it "as is." So split 4 ways, the paper showed them how little there was to begin with. That helped. But we have drifted apart and I've learned to do what another person suggested -- I've made friends and moved on with my life. Life is too short to hold grudges. Bitterness will make you sick, which will lead to cancer. So you just have to let it go. To let go, I personally had a day where I forgave them, one by one, of the terrible things they said or did to me, then stopped thinking about it. These days, my older brother calls & stays in touch each week and has thanked me for all that I did. I rarely hear from my younger brother -- I have to reach out to him by text and he gives a short un-detailed response. It is what it is and only God can change their hearts.

So sorry to hear this; yet , I know exactly where you stand. The death of any parent(s) or any elder(s) who were the glue and compass for the family can bring out the worst in those siblings who don't want to grow up, accept responsibility and be fair. I have discovered that many of the feelings that come out during these circumstances were actually already there but not openly expressed in front of the matriarch or patriarch. We are led to believe that our siblings are our automatic friends and on occasions this couldn't be farther from the truth! A person who is selfish, inconsiderate or just plain rotten and related to you is still all of those descriptors regardless of you sharing a set of parents.

Give yourself permission to only accept relationships in your life that are fruitful, positive, supportive and meaningful; apply that to include relatives. Learn to love and care for them from a distance without compromising yourself. Do not allow them to ignore or overstep your boundaries. You deserve to be emotionally safe and if they don't contribute to that, keep them outside your safety circle!

You have my sympathy. I too, had two brothers. As adults, we were friendly but not close. As the only girl, and a nurse to boot, I was expected to see to the care of elderly parents. I expected that . Did not resent it in any way. I did not have either of them in my home, but closely supervised and assisted their care in hospital or, briefly, in skilled care facility. Brothers voiced disapproval of some of my actions, but they were not present for anything but giving advice. I followed my mother's end of life wishes as I promised her (unwritten, to the horror of my lawyer brother). So there was strain in our relationships.
But the final blow came when my father left me more in his will (I don't know how much more) than he did to the boys. Why should I get more, they reasoned. After all, they had wives and children, therefore financial burdens I did not have as a single woman. (Of course they each had six figure incomes. I did not!)
The brothers never forgave me...as if I somehow deliberately influenced my father to favor me.! One, in particular made some really unkind remarks. Like you, I was very sad because I felt like I had lost my whole family. Not just parents, but siblings as well.

Time has passed. I've developed friendships and helpful associations outside family. You must do the same. The hurt is still there, but I've put it in the past. And I know my father never anticipated the fall-out that developed in our family. Both brothers have passed on and I attended their funerals, meeting peaceably with their spouses and children. Amazingly, now that I am old, a nephew, who seems to bear me no ill-will, has become quite helpful to me. And I am on distant but amicable terms with both sisters-in-law (in their late 80's and 90's) But know this: those who are the most faithful friends are OFTEN not those related by blood.

Dear Caregiver11

The previous comments from mommycare are well thought out and applicable...
You are not alone in having feelings of many kinds that can overwhelm you for short periods of time. You will find yourself coming to terms with how you feel with time, good friends to talk with who will listen, perhaps even some counsel from a psychologist for a bit...

Our family also broke up after placing our Mom into longterm care. The family was broken long before this but basic civility was maintained on behalf of our parents... There is grief, many pronged when not only do we lose our parent, but the dream we had of our siblings. The loss of what we had assumed about them, had hoped for in any ongoing relationships with them. There is also anger when siblings do not keep up their obligations, or steal from the parent, or bully other siblings, or hold their power of power of attorney, or executor, or guardian over the heads of other siblings. There is anger and hurt when a sibling just doesn't care and you realize this during a crisis with your family.  

I know finding people to become friends with is hard, but not impossible. Be brave and reach out to others as you have done on the chat site here. Over my (over 50 ++++) years I eventually learned to find other people whom I share interests with. Some times that worked sometimes not....I found a 30 + year friend by arguing over which variety of Nasturtium repelled aphids better!! 

I found a great heart friend by sharing tears of loss that just poured out at the sight of her gift of a plate of her apple tarts.  There are wonderful people around us always....just let them in Many of us long time Caregivers also need to know and accept its healthy to accept kindness and care and love from others who genuinely like you for you...  Day by Day...

We all have crosses to bare. We don’t choose our siblings as we do our friends. We are all different and react to loss in different ways. The family dynamic is not always what it seems. Disfunction is not alway obvious. Our lives go in different directions and are impacted by different experiences. But, we have choices. We can bring the hurt and disappointment with us all the days of our lives or with some help, walk away from it. Something that has helped me over time is the belief that I, PERSONALLY , am not responsible for the actions of others and that they can be greedy, nasty, shellfish and thoughtless people and it has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with me.

Yes and our attorney told me this is not uncommon. Same thing over the sale of the house as I was the oldest and executor. Only complication was my uncle lived downstairs, and he didn't want to buy out our half of the house (3 children) when my Dad died, so he went to live with his girlfriend. My youngest brother (in his 50's) didn't talk to me for 4 years and we will never be close again. The only upside of it is that I grew closer to my other brother because he sided with me. Neither one of us wanted another house to take care of which needed a new roof, furnace, etc. It is very hard and a damn shame.

Imho, it has for me as I rarely hear from my sole sibling. He runs a law practice - I get that he's busy, but it gets old having a one-way convo. Prayers sent.

My family imploded when my parents got sick. Things worsened after their death. This has been very difficult as I believed my foundation was my family.

To say I loved my siblings is an understatement. They were my world. A couple of my siblings treated my parents terribly, however. My parents mourned these relationships and eventually came to peace with their sorrow.

Over the course of about 30 years, I evolved into Mom and Dad’s caretaker and was logically designated their executor. The sibs all vanished when the “good times” became scarce.

They did not conceal deep seeded bitterness and said things along the lines of, “ Well since you were the favorite, you shouldn’t need any help from us now.“ (This abandonment when I needed them most was excrutiating).

My parents, through great foresight, had already planned to exclude a couple of them from the estate. This resulted in a lawsuit targeted against me (as executor) which was costly, both emotionally and financially. The case was thrown out of court before any trial and my siblings lost on two attempted appeals. My parents’ intent prevailed since the lawyers were able to defend their will completely.

No one could predict that one of the “good” siblings that benefited from this positive hard-earned result would later throw a fit because she felt she didn’t get her money fast enough! My Mom and Dad would have been so ashamed by her reaction.

My parents were both generous and fair. There was noting inequitable about their choices. In fact, the siblings who sued behaved so ugly in the lawsuit that my parents’ wisdom was confirmed.

I’m frequently asked whether I resent my parents for making their bold decision. I respect them more. They were able to see through my siblings in a way that I was not. Their actions taught me that it is okay to break ties. Grudges have their place —when someone’s behavior is bad and there is no hope for rehabilitation.

i know you are mourning the loss of your siblings too. Mourn them and move on to happiness. Like my siblings, they probably never really were there for you in the first place.

There is a website you can go to for comfort and find that you are not alone in coping with the death of a loved one. Or having problems with siblings after a death. Also there is information on how to cope with loneliness. JW.ORG website. The content is all free to download. Enjoy

I am so sorry that you have been isolated with COVID. The fact your parents have passed did not cause you to lose your brothers. There were most likely problems in your relationships before your parents' passed. Continue to reach out; they are also grieving. Please consider attending a grief group - online if need be - to deal with your loss. People in these groups understand loss and ways to handle it. Also reach out into your community, your faith group, and groups for folks with similar interests. Everybody needs friends in their lives and people that are like siblings, even if they are not blood relatives.

I am really sorry, yor not alone, i have no immediate family now after my fathr died, but i have a child, and im married, but it still hurts, but life goes on and it gets easier, again, im so sorry that happened to you.

I am curious about the live-in brother's situation too. There seems to be one person in every family who gives up everything - career, social life, hopes and dreams, freedom, ultimately health - to care for an elderly parent. And this sacrifice is not only not appreciated, but other people regard this martyr as some kind of freeloader.