Help me understand his side...

Just send him here......

JB, just a piece of information; if his mom has to go into a NH and there is a "community spouse" (the one who ISN'T going to a NH) they need to see an elder care attorney. There are ways of arranging assets so that the community spouse does not become impoverished. Lots of folks don't seem to realize this and rush into selling homes, when in fact, the home is a "non-countable asset". If you are communicating with him, you might want to mention this.

JBHavinFun, you are not listening. There won't be "IF he want to go do those thing".... he WON'T have the time or energy. All you will be doing is making him feel worse that he cannot carve out any time for such activities.

[Where is my helmet?]

I won’t be calling to ask. I will just offer up my support and the fact that I am here IF he wants to go do those things. Just letting him know the door is open. Does that sound reasonable, and then just give him space? Or should I say nothing at all?

JBHavinFun, it is time for some tough love. Go back to the post written by GardenArtist about a day in the life of a caregiver, pretend you are caring for a relative, and picture yourself in that role. Then re-read it again, this time using another relative. Tomorrow do the same thing. The day after the same thing.

Would you want one of your friends calling you up asking to go play tennis, have lunch, go to the movie? I bet you wouldn't. What if that caller calls you every 3rd day asking the same thing. Then every week asking for you to join him/her. Eventually you will ignore calls from the telephone number. You just don't have the physically energy nor the emotional energy to do "having fun" stuff.

LISTEN to us. We have been in the trenches. Been there, done that, haven't had time to wash the T-shirt. Some have had 24/7 hands-on caring.... others logistical caring... other caring from afar. It's all overwhelming. You wish you could clone yourself over and over so you can get at least one night sleep. Oh, now imagine if you had children to take of on weekends.

Note that 40% of caregivers pass away leaving behind the one they were caring. Not good odds. Your former boyfriend will be ok, but I would worry about his Dad. Heavens, he had to quit work which is devastating for someone to leave their career and not be able to bring in more income into the home. And not to be with one's peer group just to talk.

Food for thought. I know you will do the right thing.

Understandable. I guess my thought is to say my piece, let him know I am here, but not force anything including the friendship... and go from there. As in I won’t be reaching out to him much. Just give him space and let him come to me. I know I can’t sit and wait. And I wouldn’t hold my heart for the day things are better for him, but, at the very least stay open to it. I’m not sure if that makes sense. I feel like I can put my cards on the table to him, be supportive, and then let it go and hope for the best.

It sounds like you undoubtedly really love this guy. And it sounds like he was appreciative of your support, but like Countrymouse said, he is just not going to be able to put you first. And it's no one's fault, it just is what it is because of circumstances and responsibilities. I agree also that it's unfair to you to be tied to someone who can't put you first, regardless of how great they are as a person or friendship wise. Some people are good friends but would make poor life partners. You could easily spend years chasing after someone who can't give you what you need.

I am 36 and he is 40. And no I don’t have kids but grew close to his. I grew close with his whole family including his mom. She has mild/moderate dementia, with what seems to be a fast progression. Her agitation has gotten worse in the last few months. It was only within that time did he commit to helping her husband 2 days a week. With knowing his situation, now combined with everything you all have told me, I have a far deeper understanding for what he’s going through. It’s unique. It’s not a typical “just a single dad” situation. In fact our relationship was great until mom started getting worse. We do believe he’s in denial a bit and I know he’s trying to help as much as he can and internally resisting putting her in a home. That’s going to be a whole different issue cause most of their living funds (his mom and her husband), is from her income. Which will go to a care home and they’ll have to sell her house. My ex already expressed stress over this decision to be made and that her husband may not be making the best decisions.
He even blocked his sister on Facebook in winter when they were arguing over decisions for mom. Something he’s never done. He’s dealing with more than he ever has. All that being said, he is an amazing person and I want to stand by him. If he will let me. He did say he wanted to be friends, and his sister backed that up a couple times.

JB, I was wondering if he might have had a bit of guilt through associating spending time with you and the downturn with his mother. Even if he knows it's not entirely rational, it can be very hard to shake that kind of Portnoy-esque feeling of "I go out and enjoy myself and just look what happens..!"

I assume his mother's dementia is pretty early onset, is it? It's terribly sad and terribly hard on the entire family. And since he's a psychiatric nurse he'll have additional insight into what's ahead, with the realisation about to hit him that everything you thought you knew about patients all changes radically when it's your mother.

But. I am really sorry about his mother. But. She isn't the problem.

He's got two little girls. If you were my daughter, I would be deeply unhappy at the prospect of him as your long term partner.

I haven't asked how old you are? I assume you don't have kids of your own?

This boyfriend sounds like a really nice, really responsible, considerate man. All credit to him. But wouldn't it be better to quit while you're ahead? You've gained the experience of a good relationship. You've made a friend of a worthwhile person. So you've lost nothing, and you don't have to break your heart over a man who, with the best will in the world, can never put you first.

Also, I should add that he has reached out to me a few times since the break up. Twice at first to say he was sorry and see how I was. I was polite but kept it short. He called a few weeks ago and we just caught up. I didn’t bring up the break up at all. I haven’t shared once how I feel, or even telling him I understand.

I can’t stress enough THANK YOU to all of you who are continuing to respond and let me vent and help me change my perspective!

My apologies, he told me for months that I was HIS sanity support. Which was part of why the break up didn’t make sense in those initial first days. A lot didn’t make sense, and I was and still am heartbroken. It wasn’t until last night I realized I wasn’t looking at this from his point of view, and that was something I needed to better understand. At the surface, and many say, well having kids and a job is a part of life. He needs to learn how to deal with stress. Most people don’t understand the aspect of caring for his mom. It’s not full time, but her progression has been quick! And she’s getting more aggressive. In fact, a week after the break up he husband called my ex over to calm her down and got into a car accident! Let’s add that to his plate now! So here I am, trying to view things differently and honestly feeling terrible for acting in emotion in the last week of our relationship by asking for more of his time. I want to rectify myself with him, and ensure he knows I am not mad at him, I am here for him, and open to the friendship for however that needs to be.

JB, here's something you can do to fully appreciate the stress on him.

Do you work? If so, plan your evening to last until around midnight. Go grocery shopping for a fictionally ill parent, take the food to the parent's house, puree or microwave a meal, check out the house, tidy up, make the bed, pick up and take clothes for laundry, change the water bottle on an oxygen tank, fill the humidifier, check for clean clothes, sort out the junk mail and put it and the trash out for pickup.

Stop on the way home to pick up something medically that the fictional parent needs. Go to 2 - 3 stores to find the specific device or food needed. Stop at a laundrymat. Get home around 9 or 10, have a quick snack or microwaved meal. Do the laundry if you didn't do it at a laundrymat.

Clean up; pay yours and your parents bills; review your notes to see what you need to do tomorrow.

Go to bed, sleep about an hour and wake up in a panic when the phone rings at 1 am and the parent has fallen, or can't walk, or is vomiting, or has slid out of the chair and can't get up.

Call 911, get dressed and rush out to the hospital to provide medical history on the parent. Take notes, answer the same questions of the intake nurse, treating nurse and doctor, and again when it's determined to keep the patient overnight.

Stay until he or she is admitted, making sure that it's for admission and not just observation (as Medicare doesn't pay meds under an observational stay). Go home, w/o any sleep, get ready for work. Or call in sick and crash and sleep all day.

On your lunch hour, do online research to learn more about the parent's conditions. Make a list of questions to ask the nursing staff and doctor(s), if you can catch one while you're there.

Go back to the hospital after work, deal with the nurses for issues that have and haven't been addressed. Get the names of the doctors and call them when you get home to get more information on the plan of care.

Go to the parent's house to get the mail, check for security, be verbally assaulted by nosy neighbors who not only want to know where the parent is but whether or not you're going to take the garbage pails back and hide them as leaving them on the front patio offends them and devalues their investment, which is of more concern than your parent.

Hold your tongue and try not to tell them to mind their own business.

Repeat daily until you really, truly feel the mental and physical exhaustion. If it doesn't happen in a week, consider yourself lucky.

When you're so exhausted that you don't feel safe driving, come straight home after work and go to bed, only to be awakened by calls from people, especially relatives, who won't bother to come to the hospital but want to spend 1/2 hour talking about what else you should be doing, or their own medical problems, or whatever.

Fall asleep in a chair after deciding not to take any more calls. Wake up and take a shower, then back to bed.

Repeat for several days. At the end of a week, your back aches from sitting in hospital chairs, your legs are tired from walking on hospital floors, which are notoriously not comfortable for the feet. Your parent is seriously ill; he/she may need surgery, or may need to go to a SNF for rehab, or directly into PC or hospice. You're worried sick about your parent, wondering about medical insurance, thinking of how you need to restructure your life to visit regularly, how you're going to get through another day of work, ....and more issues.

(I lost 2 jobs b/c of taking time off to care for my parents.)

Do you feel like going kayaking?

And that's not even dealing with dementia, which compounds the situation several fold.

JB,

If you were or are needing your ex to be YOUR “sanity support” ,if I read that right, that’s probably not going to happen while he is caregiving. Even as a friend.

Yeah kayaking is his peaceful place. When I talked to him Monday he is anxiously awaiting warmer weather here because I know he wants to do those things. For himself and with his girls. I haven’t mentioned anything about us still doing them, but his sister has said she’s sure he will still want to with me. I think I just want him to know I don’t hate him, nor do I want him to feel like he needs to be distant from me because of my pain. His sister has said how bad he feels for hurting me. If this were him cheating, it would be totally different. I know to be a strong partner for any relationship, I need to be selfless even in my own pain (which I can work on myself).

JB, it is better not to mention tennis or kayaking because he won't have the energy to do either, and that would upset him more. If you go on vacations, do not tell him, again it would upset him because he is unable to do that.

Caregiving is extremely exhausting. If someone kept saying to me, oh lets go to the movies or out to lunch, I would think THEY ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME, I am tired, can't do it. What part don't they understand.

Time to step back to the sideline and let him make the first move when and if he has time. Working outside the home, then taking care of his mother, then having parent responsibly for his daughters, is overwhelming. Give him some space.

Thanks for the update and explanation. I see your point.

I don't want to be critical, but tennis and kayaking are both energy expending activities. Kayaking is I think more relaxing, but given his schedule, he may not even have the effort to fix a meal when he gets home. And he has a demanding job, which is probably taxing his energy as well.

You all have been the best! To be honest I’ve spent a considerable amount of time on those typical break up sites and it just wasn’t hitting what I needed. We didn’t break up cause the relationship wasn’t working. We were both happy. Just a week before the break up he said he saw a future for us!
Let me further explain why I want to write a letting expressing my understanding and apology. In the week prior to the break up he was taking more than normal time for himself and I didn’t fully understand what was going on. He didn’t mention prior to that how much he felt affected and pressured due to his moms recent incident. I acted emotional and that’s when I asked him if he saw a future with us. A few days letter I said “I hope sometime soon I can be more than a once a week girlfriend.” He agreed and apologized, at that point he mentioned the thought of putting his mom in a home shook him up. While I know he felt the need to simplify, I now look back and realize that my emotional reaction surely didn’t help. And I want to just clear myself and apologize, and tell him I am here to support him, and when he wants to, I’d still be open to playing tennis or kayaking. 2 activities he loves to do and we did together.
Thoughts? I don’t want to stir up the past, I don’t want to crowd him, but I don’t want him to feel I hate him either.

Just read Moose's post, with good insights as to continuing fatigue post death. That fatigue can be significant, compromising, and totally encompassing. He will need time to distress, but will also be dealing with estate issues, so there's a different kind of stress.

Don't be concerned if he doesn't initiate contact for some time. It may turn out that this sort of cooling off period results in a stronger relationship in the future.

At this point, I would just give him the space he needs. Let him know you'll help (if you can), but leave it up to him to reach out to you if he does need help. Think carefully about how to word this, because although he doesn't seem like the kind to involve you in hands on care, other people in your situation have been sucked into involvement with caregiving and then resented it.

You can also think of this as a sort of cooling off period, for both of you to refocus, sort out your feelings, and give him the space he needs for what arguably is a priority time in his life.

It might help to read some of the frustration posts here; they'll offer good insights into what others are going through, how time has become so precious because others just can't keep up with all the demands of caregiving.

In the long run, he'll respect you for that more than trying to continue to be involved.
He seems to be a "stand up" and responsible young man. Let him know that, compliment him. If he's like many of us caregivers, he probably could benefit from noncommittal reinforcement.

When I was really frazzled and stretched thin, just a simple comment from someone who understood could brighten my day. But the meddlers, the ones who tried to tell me what I should be doing, just irritated me. I dropped them as friends, at least temporarily, as they just compounded the frustration and stress I was feeling.

I'm getting pushed like that now, and I still resent it.

Just as your ex needs support and understanding, so do you. You asked great questions and asked for support and understanding. That's huge. Give yourself great credit! The support from this site is immeasurable, as you've discovered. 

While you believe having fun would be good for him, keep in mind fun takes energy, energy he sounds like he just doesn't have.

Another thought: Even after his mom does pass--which could take years--you'll need to go easy. (I was my mom's live-in caregiver and my mom passed a month ago. My exhaustion is total. Tonight is a bingo night in my tiny town. I'm going, but I wish something even this simple was next week. Perhaps then I'd find the energy to look forward to it.) He'll need time and space to recover. You sound so caring. I hope you both can get through this terrible time with your concern for each other intact and you can take off together stronger and closer. Best wishes.

Don't apologise. Why should you apologise for being bewildered and upset? You've nothing to apologise for.

YOU don't need to explain a thing. He may not have intended to hurt you; in fact I'm sure he didn't, I'm sure that avoiding harm to you was a major motive for his deciding to stop the relationship. But all the same he did hurt you, and you are entitled to blame him for that, purely within the bounds that he embarked on a relationship and then chose to end the relationship, and that was painful to you.

Understanding and forgiving a person does not mean pretending that they didn't get anything wrong.

By all means send him a letter - better yet, send him a card with a really nice picture on it - but just tell him he is a good person whose kindness and dedication you admire, and that you wish him well.

Then "all" you have to do is walk the walk! Big hugs to you.

This really isn't your fault, you know.

Thank you again everyone for your comments and helpful words. Please don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a please help me get him back message. Of course being heartbroken those thoughts race through my head daily. But I decided that was not the right approach. I wanted to understand his side, and since I am no where near that, I wanted to hear from those who were. So I could change my own thought patterns, resolve, and accept with greater support and compassion for someone who is so important to me. That’s all! I don’t want him out of my life, yet I feel so incredibly helpless on what to do. Someone who I once talked to daily and was a sanity support (as he said), is now pushing me away. I accept now, with greater understanding his decision just based on these replies alone. If anything, I feel even more compelled to send him my letter of apology and support surrounding the break up that I never did. Apologizing for any unwarranted pressure I put on him, and expressing that I understand his decision and don’t blame him. A letter written a month ago but never sent. I’ve just been trying to give him space and not stir anything up. Now I feel like a jerk for not sending it sooner. Keep the advice coming, it really does help!

JB, reading your post I did wonder why exactly you wanted to understand better what he is going through.

I hoped it was to help you reconcile yourself to his decision.
I hoped it wasn't so that you could try to get him to change his mind.

But, alas, it is indeed because you don't want to let him go.

This thoughtful, well-informed and nurturing young man has looked at his priorities and recognised that he cannot give you the time or the status in his life that he believes you deserve.

He is right. Isn't he? Don't you deserve to form a lasting relationship with someone who is not bound to place at least four other people ahead of you?

You can like and respect and even admire his clear-headedness; and it is just one of life's ironies that his evident sense of responsibility makes him all the more attractive as a human being. But his life makes him a poor choice of partner for you. He knows that, and he has let you go. Accept it, do not add to his burden.

JB, do you have a good relationship with your Mom? What if each time you saw her there was new and disturbing evidence of cognitive decline? What if she thought you were her sister, with whom she was estranged? Or she insists to be taken to visit her mother who died 14 years ago? Or you've barely been in the door a minute and she starts throwing things at you, screaming that you lied -- and you have no idea at all what this is about. She keeps claiming someone is stealing her things while in fact she is hiding them. First she has trouble finding the words she wants to use, and later little she says makes sense? You walk into her house and it smells terrible. She is incontinent and refuses to wear disposable undies. She falls down frequently, and can't get up by herself. She screams her head off when anyone suggests a shower.

What if it were your mom? Would you have the emotional energy to nurture an important romantic relationship?

This man certainly does have a lot on his plate and should be commended for not leading you on and being truthful. How long were you together? What was your relationship like? Was he stressed and preoccupied with worry all the time?
I think it’s nice that you’ve kept in touch after the breakup but right now I would give him his space.
This could work to your advantage in that absence does make the heart grow fonder. I don’t want to give you false hope, but you never know. He may find he needs you in his life & reconnect.
Before you give him that space, however maybe you could fix up a basket of items to help him cope with a bit of humor - like a box of soothing teabags, for example, or a GC for a massage or less expensive items that would have some connection with the challenges he is facing but not too personal. Maybe a little book of everyday inspirational phrases. If you do this, do it with no strings attached. Then just leave him be and let him make the next contact.
In the interim,however, don’t put your life on hold. Go out with friends, go to the gym etc and realize this relationship may be at the end and move forward.
Good luck to you!

Dear JB,

I know its hard to find a good man. Maybe let him know that you really care and ask if there is anything you could to help him. Or let him know you'll wait for things to settle down. There is a lot on his shoulders and understandably stressful. Even without kids I found it really hard just to care for my own elderly parents. There wasn't too much room for fun in my mind. I hope things work out for you and him.

JB,

Watching a parent deteriorate with dementia is excruciating.

You being “light and fun” may be in itself stressful to your ex. As family caregivers normally we need quiet understanding, someone to listen or vent to. We don’t have a drop of energy for fun.

I suggest giving your ex some space. Be supportive, call and check on him. Then let him contact you in return.

Wow... this has by far been the most supportive help site. So many say let him go and move on. I don’t want to! It’s so rare to find someone good. But I do know that I need to understand and respect what he’s going through. I always did when we were together. Does anyone have any recommendations so he doesn’t shut me out completely? I’ve tried to just give him space. Haven’t contacted him much, nor said anything about the break up. He called me shortly after the break up and I kept it light and fun. I called him yesterday as I was on vacation for 2 weeks and again, light and fun. I don’t want to lose him and I don’t know what to do. Any advice on male caregivers... clearly he shut down vs seeking or keeping support.

I would still be his friend and forget about any more intense relationship during this challenging and traumatic time for him. Even though you've broken up, he probably still needs a friend, someone who doesn't need anything from him, but rather is there go give him support and understanding.

I found myself having less and less patience for meddlers, complainers, and people with negative energy. So I avoided them, quit calling them, and spent more time with people who actually understood caregiving.

As to what he's going through, he most likely feels overwhelmed, dividing his attention between his demanding job, his family and his mother. He's probably emotionally and physically exhausted, stressed to the point that it's difficult to focus on anything that's not absolutely necessary. And he probably doesn't want to discuss his feelings; it's hard for someone to tell another that he or she just can't be a priority now - family comes first.

I only had my father, his house and my house (and some meddlers) to deal with; I wasn't working (for pay), but I was overwhelmed. And with that came less clear thinking, less clear focus, more fatigue, more down time needed as the demands increased but my ability to provide care decreased.

That's when I had to just "jettison" all noncritical activities. I think your friend reached that point when the breakup occurred.