Here It Comes...

I knew she wouldn't keep quiet long. I call to say how are things after almost two weeks since her surgery and haven't been able to see her. And though she has been saying "fine", this time she says how she is hooked up to a machine that keeps her blood from clotting (why couldn't she had said that before?) and how the boyfriend is getting "home sick". So, this to me are signals that she is trying to send me that she will soon need my help. Instead, I asked her what will she do if he goes home (he lives several states away down south--she's up north) and she says she should be "okay" by then. "By then", means the end of the month that he plans to leave. I am now uneasy and said to make sure she has a plan "B", because I know damn well that is too soon for her to be autonomous. Though the machine is supposed to come off early next week, she still hasn't had a chance to learn how to walk again with the new hip. I told her she needs to have that plan "B" and she relented that she plans to have home care. At some point, she called me "selfish". First, I denied being so, but then I said, "You know what, yes because I am taking care of my life." For anyone who doesn't know, I have to work and go to school and I am in the middle of mid-terms. She also said I am always trying to run things, and I let her know I am tired of her not planning ahead; this is not something that I invented, it is a necessary evil, I said in so many words. Anyway, I told her I am tired of going through this with her and said I hope she feels better and hung up. In the meantime, I think the boyfriend heard everything because she has a thing with putting me on speaker for some reason. She probably wants him to "see" how I speak to her. I didn't want him to hear any of this drama because what he's doing is wonderful of him (I think he does get paid something from her, but I think he should for giving up his own everyday life to do what professionals get paid for). But I bet he is tired himself because of how she talks to those who get too close to her. I was so upset when I called afterwards to see how my (paternal) grandmother was doing--a routine I tend to do with both--I spilled the beans to her for the umpteenth time of the talk I had with my mother. I am also still kind of upset with my grandmother too, because of how she yelled at me when my mother had her accident almost two months ago and it put me in harm's way going to her unlocked and dark apartment to secure it. All I hear are the complaints while I have to figure how to keep myself together. So, I don't want to go through this crazy miserable-go-round again, especially I have also been fighting the flu off and on and trying to keep up with work and school. And doing very well in school! I keep saying that, but I'm repeating it because I'm not stopping for anyone, and I knew this talk today with my mother was coming! At least I got my grandmother, who usually doesn't try to speak on my side, agree that my mother is a grown woman and she has to deal with it, and to only do what I can. I also said how I have to worry about her, don't forget. And I'm not even retired! What one person can be expected to do all that? I just thank God that she does have her niece who is retired. Anyway, I told my grandmother please don't hate me because she may hear how I may have to turn my mother down if it comes to the point of one of her emergencies. I know my mother, and that is what she will end up recklessly doing that pulls me in. I'm the planner type (so is my grandmother who is doing better than my mom!) so I can't stand getting caught up in my mother's mess. Not to mention, a sister who hasn't been there enough, but acts holier than thou, whom may chime in and I may have to both end up verbally and physically fighting to defend myself. All while I'm busy trying to make my "selfish" life better. Ugh.