Hi AC Forum,
I feel like I run the gamut of emotions on a weekly basis. I think that is a difficult side of this caregiving. Not being able to fully satisfy - or not being able to satisfy for what should be a normnal period of time. And on the same token know that each day you go down this path you just running to the finish line.
It's the craziest and horrible life as I am not able to live my life, yet I have a hard time thinking of my mom living with less. Also not being the face of which she says to at first seeing her and asking her how she is, "Better now that I see you!" Knowing that you are the comfort in their sight. Yet what it takes from one feels enormous - emotionally, monetarily, physically.
How are you doing?
LastOne
If you are all financially independent, why isn't your mother taking care of her own needs and living either by herself with assistance or in a facility?
No, you can't go back, as you write, but why can't you go forward to a different and better way of life?
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You are not alone as you can see from many others on this site that share similar fates. I can completely understand how you have had to give up your life and your paycheck to care for your Dad and not just shove him into a nursing home. I also have two brothers that have painted me in a similar light and have no clue what it's like having little money because you cannot work a normal job anymore and have ZERO freedom. They think we are mooching off our parents and feel we SHOULD be doing everything because we live with them. That allows them to feel justified in doing nothing at all and go about their lives with freedom, vacations, money from their jobs and having social lives. My mother chose me to live with and be her caregiver and that just brought out the worst in them. I did not talk her into it, I would have been fine if she had chosen one of them over me. They would have put her in a home and she would have been broke in less than 8 years (especially in over priced California) and then what? She also spent her life as an RN working in those very facilities and they were fine thinking she should just go back and be a resident this time. Cruel. Well, it has certainly been revealing of their true nature and when Mom does pass, I want nothing more to do with them.
You are not alone. Try to keep remembering no matter what your sister say's, you ARE doing the right thing and you have a good heart for the sacrifice you have chosen to make. Please do try to care for yourself as much as possible, hard as that seems to be, it is critical or you will end up compromising your own health in the long run, even if it means getting a caregiver for a few hours of respite once a week or whatever is necessary for your own sanity. 😊
Sounds like you are doing your best to make sure she is happy and it is no fault of your own that she is not. Hard as it is, you can't take it personally, let her comments roll off your back or make a joke out of it, I make sarcastic comments to my Mom when she say's or does something ridiculous until she starts laughing. The same joke may happen over and over but I have to remember her memory is not longer than a minute with somethings. I won't say somedays I still feel like banging my head against a wall and screaming but I know things are not going to get better, they will get worse. So, my survival is to A) Don't take it personally. B) Joke about her ridiculousness. It does no good to do the "tit for tat" as it is a waste of time. Both of you end up getting upset. You did the right thing by not letting the Nursing Home be able to take her house away for financial leverage and you are also making sure she is being attended to. Let's face it, getting old can really stink and it's hard to come to terms with other people having to help you do the very basic things necessary to make it through the day. I would be crabby too (and I am sure I will be) if I live long enough to rely on others, and I pray I don't live that long! 😉 Hang in there, I find laughing saves the day so it is imperative to turn things around with a silly response!
All that balancing has to be very difficult and exhausting. I hope you can get in some good hours of sleep. Blessings to you and your mom...
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You are too young to have 'all' this stress on your shoulders. I once asked my youngest brother how he ever studied in a disfunctional family (after I left... he was left alone). He said when he studied he "closed his bedroom door" (he went on to get double degree with a Masters). I hope you can close the door (and, your mind) more often, so you can concentrate and focus on your life. There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty (nothing you can do will change this situation with your mother and grandmother). I also hope you can go out with a friend (or friends) once in a while (make it once a week!), because you absolutely need a social network in your own age group for you to thrive and be healthy. As difficult as this all is for you, you 'need' to start a life of your own... step by step (but, start now). You have your life before you. It's your birth right... Be Happy... and, Best Wishes for a successful degree and career! Blessings.
You are an amazing daughter. I can identify with so much of you what you are writing about. I know its hard being the strong one. The good one. And having your siblings dump everything on you. I'm so sorry. I know you are doing the very best you can. It is overwhelming. I hope you can find some respite care. And try to find some time for yourself. My father has since passed away but reading other's stories has given me comfort.
*BIG HUGS* Thanks for understanding and validating my feelings, sorry you have experienced the same thing, yeah we will make it, one way or the other, we will survive. I try to listen to what my body and mind tells me now my body is telling me to climb in bed, read a book and escape for a while. Feel free to reach out anytime!