When you have to step in and start helping your aging parents, what are some things to think of? How to arrange things so you can help them but it doesn't cost you your health, and financial future of your family? I am the only child, daughter.
I am being careful as my dad is a narcissist (always has been) and would ideally like me to completely uproot my life just so he can keep his lifestyle. He can be pretty manipulative and nasty. My mom is a very nice person but she doesn't want to leave him even though he's taking a toll on her mental health.
Right now they can still take care of themselves but not necessarily of the country house they retired to. But they don't want to leave for their city apartment - my dad wants me to move countries instead so I can chop firewood for them, mow their lawn, do their gardening,... There is much more but the general idea is that he feels entitled to continuing their lifestyle and feels like I am obligated to make that happen sending me emails out of the blue like "You should think about what you’ll buy for our neighbors to thank them for helping us chop firewood instead of you.".
Anytime I offer a different way of helping (e.g. hiring help) than what my father wants there are always reasons why that wouldn't work or is not good enough.
He is also often complaining about how expensive everything is but doesn't take steps to secure their financial situation and again any time me or my partner give him some suggestions he shoots them down or makes up reasons why it's not feasible.
I feel like I will have to make them an offer - how I am able to help them - and make it a take it or leave it situation and set some rules like - if you want me to financially help you, you'll discuss your major expenses with me. I am just thinking of what that offer should look like and trying to gather the courage as it will likely get pretty nasty. I can't live with my dad and stay sane and I need to be careful with my finances as I have my own health issues to deal with. I have a lot of anxiety about this whole thing, my childhood was complicated and I don't want to revisit that, I feel like often times I am barely holding on as is.
I wish I had known how difficult of a transition it is. Had I known, I would have never stepped up to the plate.
Hindsight is 20/20, right? Most people find this forum far too late.
Best wishes to you as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
Fly in from another country to chop wood? Totally rediculous.
Dad, I am your *daughter*.
Not your lumberjack.
Not your gardener.. not your *insert here* as you need to.
Here are just some of my favorite Aging Care forum member quotes from recent times that may be relevant to your situation;
"The person needing the help
needs to be the one to compromise, not the ones helping". lkdrymom
"I am here show people the way, not be the way". JoAnn29
If the messaging from those ideas fail, then this;
"No hands-on, no financial, nothing". ZippyZee
I missed that key word. Good point.
OP, drive to the airport, take a plane and live on the opposite side of the Earth as your dad. :)
It doesn't matter whether he is truly a narcissist or he just has a domineering personality, any help you offer/give has to be on your terms or he will need to figure out some other ways to get things done (or do without). Full stop.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=oldest
People with very good hearts, who wanted to help their elderly parents with a few problems here and there…
1. Look up mission creep. You end up helping with more and more problems, even if you have boundaries, because who else will help? Unless you totally walk away and let APS take over, there will always be problems to solve. This is true, regardless of whether the parent later goes to a facility, or stays at home.
2. It’ll get harder and harder. Your parents are still independent. My mom was too. Then she wasn’t. The problems get bigger and bigger.
3. Try not to transition from daughter to caregiver. Even if your parents refuse to hire, hire anyway. Try as much as possible, to hire out the problems. Even so, not all problems can be hired out to someone else. You’ll probably still be stuck helping out.
4. Depending on how long (years) you help, and how hard/stressful, you’ll get very angry. You’ll be taken advantage of. Try to avoid all that by speaking clearly with your parents now. You should be compensated for your time and effort (if it’s taking up a huge amount of YOUR life).
5. Get their POA, will, in order.
6. Don’t sacrifice your life. Don’t be another sacrificed girl. Live your life. You’ll do great things with your life. Be healthy, happy. Time is precious: don’t give it all to others.
Your father has unrealistic and unreasonable expectations of you.
Seeing as he is self involved, he will lash out when you say "no, Dad, I can't possibly do that".
So? So he gets nasty. It should have NO bearing on how you live your life.
Here's the thing. Parents aren't entitled to command their adult children to do things. The sooner you make this clear to dad, the better you will be able to handling his selfish reactions.
There is a book called Boundaries by Townsend andxCloud. Get it and read it.